My Forever Family
by lberkeley6
Summary: What if Edward also lied to the Cullens in New Moon? This lie leaves Bella to create a family on her own, and finds Carlisle struggling as he attempts to preserve a family slipping away. B&C POVs, but not slash. Maybe BxE, if he can redeeem himself!
1. Chapter 1  New Beginnings Bella

**Authors note: I'm taking some liberties with this, I know. Before we begin, let's assume the following:**

**1). Edward and Bella have sex.**

**2). Jacob is a werewolf by the time Edward leaves in New Moon. Bella just doesn't know it yet.**

**3). The story will be told from Bella and Carlisle's POVs, but this is not a slash story. It's emphasis is building a family out of the rubble... Edward will be around, but not for awhile. That's kind of the whole point. **

**Alright, I think that's all I needed to clear up. Now, of course, let me add: Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer, and I'm chillin' in her sandbox for awhile. **

**Chapter 1 – New Beginnings** (Bella)

It's funny the things that can motivate you.

Since Edward's abrupt departure in the forest, I have been completely removed from what's been happening around me. I'm vaguely aware of being moved, of being bathed, of being cared for, but it's all happening in a haze. It's happening around me, but doesn't seem to be happening to me. I can't feel it – can't connect with it. My thoughts seem to be swirling around listless and disconnected – because I'm so confused that I just have trouble latching onto anything real. Because I don't think I understand what's real. Because if Edward's love isn't real – if our love isn't real – then I certainly don't know what is. So my thoughts spin, alone in confusion and despair, trying to make sense of my new reality. My new understanding of reality. I'm unclear as to how much time has passed, unaware of how I'm affecting others, unconcerned about my physical health or any of my surroundings.

That is, until I begin to gag.

The gag reflect can't be fought, can't be controlled past a certain point. And apparently, my body has reached that point. Without even really thinking about it, I find myself shooting out of bed in a desperate attempt to get to the bathroom. Because it's been several days – maybe longer – since I've used my legs, I make it a step and a half before collapsing on my bedroom floor. I hit the ground hard, and the urge to vomit becomes unbearable. I grab the trashcan under my bedside table, and thankfully get it into position seconds before I throw up.

Again and again, I am sick, lying prone on my floor, barely able to hold myself up enough to clear the edge of the trashcan. There is nothing in my stomach to bring up, so instead I find myself choking on bile and the tears and snot that are running down my face as I lie there miserably on the floor. Once the sensation passes, I lower my upper half down to the ground, and curl away from the trashcan. I lay, facing the baseboard of my little room, and find myself suddenly remembering everything:

Vampires exist.

I fell in love with a vampire.

I fell in love with his vampire family.

They saved my life when I was stalked and attacked by other vampires.

My vampire took me to prom.

My vampire decided he wouldn't make me his vampire.

I loved him anyway.

We were happy – deliriously happy.

My vampire has less control than he claimed.

My vampire caved to my wishes the way any 17 year-old boy would, given the opportunity.

We beat the odds and the gloomy predictions, and loved each other physically and emotionally.

Often.

My vampire family threw me a party for my birthday.

My vampire brother tried to drink me.

My vampire boyfriend rescued me, and his vampire doctor father stitched me up.

My vampire boyfriend decided that my human nature was a problem for him and his family.

My vampire boyfriend didn't really love me and needed a new distraction.

My vampire boyfriend felt that it was time for him and his vampire family to move on.

My vampire boyfriend broke my heart, stole my soul, and left me in the woods.

Someone found me, brought me home.

Someone had cared for me, worried about me, and tried to nurse me back to health.

That someone wasn't part of my vampire family.

As I lie here on the floor, coming to terms with my new understanding of reality, I am overwhelmed by how alone I feel.

I know Charlie is downstairs, and I know he is probably worried. I know he loves me, but I also know that he has no idea how to show it. How to verbalize it. How to make me feel it. I think of the ironically warm embrace of Esme, the gentle kindness of Carlisle, the boisterous enthusiasm of Emmett, the pushy playfulness of Alice, and I realize that this is what I've come to expect of familial love. And it's gone. Even the tolerance shown by Jasper and Rosalie is love in a way. Not for me, but for their family. They loved the rest enough to put up with me. I miss my family. I really need them.

And as much as I'm grieving for Edward, I am grieving differently, but almost more intensely, for everyone else.

I never felt good enough for Edward. I never felt like his equal in our relationship. I never felt like he could possibly understand how much I loved him. And in facing the honesty that can only be found face-planted, covered in your own snot and vomit on the floor in your underwear, I realize that he never really tried to understand it. He assumed that I wasn't an equal because I was human. He assumed I couldn't love him as much because I was human. He told me I wasn't good enough – I assume at least in part because I was human. And he wouldn't consent to change me, so in many ways, our parting was inevitable. Was I happy about it – no, I was devastated. But a part of me was resigned to it. Because I knew it from the beginning, and because I had allowed it. I had allowed him to make decisions for us, and had spent just as much time focusing on our differences as he had.

The family was different. I enjoyed being mothered by Esme – it was such a refreshing change from the relationship I had with Renee, where I behaved as the adult. I enjoyed the tender care and thoughtful words from Carlisle – the advice offered with a softness that helped me to stop and really think through his perspective. It was so different than the direct and often terse communication with Charlie. I loved the playfulness of Alice and Emmett, and how very special I felt under their care and attention. I never had siblings, or even close friends, and in them, I found both. And now, alone on this cold floor, I found myself awake and alert and grieving my lost family, and my lost future. It was difficult to imagine ever pulling myself up and facing life without them.

* * *

><p>Eventually, I did get up. I thought about returning to bed, but now that I awake and aware, I realized that I was feeling stifled in the smallness of my bedroom, my house, my little world. Life had been so vibrant and extraordinary for awhile – and now it just seemed small and plain. Not unlike how I saw myself. I pulled myself up, made my way on unsteady legs to the bathroom for a shower, and took the first steps in piecing myself back together again.<p>

When I returned from the bathroom, I found my bed stripped and remade, with Sue Clearwater perched on the end of it. I was surprised to see her, but grateful it was her and not Charlie.

"Bella," she said softly, "it's good to see you up and about, sweetie. You had us pretty worried there for awhile."

I stopped to really look at her. She had bags under her eyes and she looked drawn. The Sue I remembered was always smiling and full of life, just like her son Seth. I wondered if I had been the reason for her sleepless nights.

"I'm sorry, Sue," I replied quietly. "I… I don't know exactly what happened." The last part of this was said in a whisper. I realized I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"You were gone for two days. Your father was frantic. Sam found you in the woods, curled up in a ball and half-frozen to death. That was a week ago. You've been nearly catatonic since then. You don't remember any of that?" Sue spoke quietly, but there was the hint of an accusation in there.

"I… remember going for a walk. I… Edward… we…" I sputtered, stopping when I realized I wasn't ready to go back to the conversation that changed everything. "I got lost. It gets a little hazy after that." Again, I was whispering.

Sue's eyes had hardened with the mention of Edward. Her back stiffened as she said, "Are you telling me that Edward Cullen couldn't find his way out of the woods? I think of him as being… very able to navigate in the woods… and aware of his surroundings. I wouldn't expect him to get lost." The way she said it sounded harsh, and accusatory. It almost seemed as if she knew the Cullen's secret. But that would be crazy.

I gulped. Here it goes. "Edward left…. He left me there. We broke up. He left."

Silence.

Sue's eyes got big, and then she let out of a breath I hadn't even realized she'd been holding. It almost sounded like she said, "_thank god_" as she exhaled, but again, I couldn't be sure. And I couldn't imagine Sue having such a strong opinion on Edward. I mean, I didn't even think she knew him.

"Bella," she said cautiously, "Bella , did he try to… hurt you… or make you do something you weren't comfortable with?"

"NO," I whisper-shouted. "No. Edward wouldn't do that. He was always careful with me. Worried about my safety. That wasn't it. He just… he just didn't think I fit into his world. He didn't… he didn't love me, Sue."

The tears started leaking again, and as Sue reached for me and pulled me to sit by her on my bed, they turned into sobs. Loud, sloppy, wet sobs shook my body with a violence that only grief can cause. Sue wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me to her side. I found myself clinging to her with everything I had, and she soothed and shushed me as she let me cry. Her gentle touch on my hair, her arm wrapped firmly around me – I found it reminded me of another – my vampire mother – and my sobs began again, only louder. I looked up at Sue, needing confirmation of what I already knew.

"They've left, haven't they?" I said between sobs. "The Cullens have left Forks – all of them. Haven't they?"

"Yes, dear girl, they have. According to the hospital, there was a family emergency, and they were compelled to leave rather abruptly. Seems like a strange coincidence, doesn't it," Sue said, with a raised eyebrow as she looked down at me. I shuttered at her implication, and found myself wondering… _does she know_? Though it made no sense, I somehow thought that she might.

"I don't think it's a coincidence, Sue. And neither do you." It wasn't a question. Not really. I took a deep breath and looked up at her. She was looking down at me, studying my face, and thinking hard.

Finally, she whispered, "No. I don't." There was a long pause, and then she asked, "How long have you known about them, Bella?"

I looked at her. I was still safely tucked under her arm, and clinging to her shirt. I realized that she might be one of the only people I would ever be able to talk to about this. She was my link to the fact that it was real. It really happened. I had promised never to betray the Cullens, but they left me. I needed someone who could understand what had happened. I needed to be able to acknowledge the truth.

"Almost since I arrived. I figured it out a couple of months after I got here," I replied shakily. I then tucked my head back under her chin, awaiting her judgment.

"You knew they were vampires, and you still befriended them. Dated them. Cared for them. Bella, what were you thinking?" It wasn't meant to be an accusation, and was delivered so softly that I almost couldn't hear it, but it still stung. I found myself pulling out of Sue's embrace, standing, and pacing back in forth across my bedroom floor, still wearing nothing more than my towel.

"It happened so fast. I was drawn to Edward from the moment I saw him. I couldn't get him out of my head," I rationalized to her. I was talking quietly, as I was well-aware of Charlie downstairs. I was, however, gesturing wildly with my arms as I spoke. "I tried to ignore him. And he tried to push me away. Over and over again, he would push me away. I kept coming back. I couldn't stay away from him. And finally, one day, he acknowledged that he was struggling to stay away from me as well. I didn't know what he was at that point, but I knew something was different, and I also knew that I didn't care. How do you fight something like that, Sue? I couldn't fight it."

"How did you get him to tell you?" Sue asked. "I thought they weren't allowed to reveal themselves for what they really are."

My eyes widened as I took in the amount of knowledge Sue had. I wasn't expecting her to be familiar with the vampire codes of conduct.

"Um, well… I guessed, actually. I put together some of the stories that Jake told me about the Quileute with observations I made on my own. I cornered him and told him my suspicions. It was a pretty awkward conversation, but he didn't deny it. And once he saw that I wasn't running away screaming, he opened up and began to let me into his world. It wasn't without its challenges, but we made it work. At least… I thought we did."

With that last revelation, I sunk into the rocking chair in the corner, the one that Edward had filled so many nights here in my room while watching me sleep, and I felt the tears begin again. They were quiet, gentle tears this time, as I found myself staring out the window that was Edward's entrance to my world for so long. I wasn't wrong, I told myself. There had been good days. Good nights. I didn't understand it, but then again, I guess I didn't need to. Edward had made another decision for us – his last, it would seem.

Sue watched me in silence for awhile, and then gathered up some clothes for me, and placed them on the end of my bed. "I'm sorry you are hurting, Bella," she said quietly. "Though I can't help being relieved to have the Cullens out of Forks and away from both you and the reservation, I do know that losing love – especially your first love – is painful, and I'm so sorry for that pain, my dear. I know you need time to grieve, but I would encourage you to look to your friends and your father for comfort and help, not retreat inside yourself again. It's not fair to you, and it hurts those around you when you won't let them help you. Your father is downstairs, where he's been for the past week, quietly suffering in the knowledge that he can't help you, and that even if he could, he doesn't know how to help. He's there for you, Bella. You might need to show him how to help, but he'll be there in whatever capacity you need him, if you'll only let him in. So will I. So will Jake. You have friends who care. I hope you will remember that."

I looked at her, taking in her sincere expression, sad eyes, and quiet determination. "I will, Sue. Thank you for being here," I answered quietly.

She smiled as she opened the door to leave. "You're welcome, sweetie. Now get dressed and come have breakfast – we need to get some food in you." With that, she left me to my thoughts.

* * *

><p>After contemplating my conversation with Sue for a few minutes, I got up, pulled on the clothes she left for me, noticing that they were too big, and made my way downstairs. I still felt terrible – my head was pounding, presumably from all the crying, and my body felt weak and frail. As I hit the first floor landing, I caught a whiff of coffee and bacon, and before I knew it, I found myself sprinting towards the downstairs bathroom. I made it this time, and fell to my knees for a second time today to lose my lunch. As I hovered over the toilet choking on my own bile, I felt Sue behind me, gently scooping my hair back out of my way, and holding it with her hand. Her other hand began rubbing small circles on my back, and I found myself timing my breathing to her movements until the spell passed. As I leaned back, she handed me a damp washcloth, which I gratefully ran over my face, and then turned to look at her. Her face was a study of concern.<p>

"Thank you," I gasped out, as I took another pass with the washcloth over my face. "I'm not sure what is wrong with me."

"You haven't eaten more than broth in a week, Bella. You've been hypothermic and catatonic for days. I'm sure your body will take some time to adjust to your new-found mobility. Let's take it slow, and see if we can't get some food in you that will stay down. Ok?"

I nodded, and she helped me to my feet. As I made it to the kitchen, I remembered to breathe through my mouth, and finally made eye contact with Charlie. Before me was a broken man. Charlie had aged 20 years in 7 days, and I was responsible. I saw the evidence of Sue's earlier words reflected in Charlie's eyes, and without even really realizing I was doing it, I lunged for him, wrapping my arms around his waist and clinging to his back for dear life. Instinctively, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt one hand come up and tuck my head tenderly under his chin. He kept his hand over my hair, rocking somewhat stiltedly back and forth between feet. It was a new experience for me – being held like this, comforted like this, by Charlie. I liked it. I also found that it made me giggle a little. As a little squeak of a giggle escaped my lips, Charlie pulled me back so he could see my face. I saw the confusion in his – apparently, he didn't know what was funny about this moment. His serious expression squashed the giggle, and I felt compelled to offer an explanation.

"I'm sorry, Da..Charlie. I didn't mean to worry you," I spoke earnestly. "Thank you for finding me, helping me. I… got a little lost, I guess. Both in the woods, and in my head. I… I didn't mean to scare you." It wasn't enough, but it was a start.

Charlie sighed, and then pulled me back to his chest. I found that I liked being there. "You had me scared to death, kid," Charlie whispered softly. "When I came home and couldn't find you... Thank god those boys from the reservation stepped up and formed that search party. It could have been days otherwise. You can't do that to me again, Bella. I don't… I don't think I can handle it again." He sounded so sad, so broken.

"I know, Charlie. I know. I just… we just went for a walk, and then… and then it was over, and he was gone, and I just didn't know what to do, or where to go, and then it was dark, and I just… I don't know, I couldn't deal, and I didn't want to… I mean, I… I just don't know." My explanation trailed off. I wasn't making any sense anyhow. I shrugged half-heartedly.

Charlie pulled me back so he could look in my eyes again. "We? Who were you out in the woods with, Bella? Is there someone else out there?" He looked confused, but more than that, he looked concerned.

"No…" I took a deep breath, knowing that he was NOT going to like this. "I was with Edward. He left."

I was right. As he contemplated my words, his face got red. Then it got redder. Finally, just before I thought the vein on his forehead would burst, he hollered, "Are you telling me that Edward Cullen took you out there and just left you there? What was he thinking? What were you thinking?" Charlie was building up steam, and his voice was louder than I'd ever heard him before. "Bella, I know we've been down this road before, but this time I mean it. You cannot see that boy anymore. I won't have it!"

At this I broke. The quiet whispers from earlier were gone, it seemed. "You don't need to worry about it anymore, Charlie," I hollered back, my voice loud and tinged with a touch of hysteria. "Edward left me.! He broke up with me, and then he left me! He wants nothing to do with me! He doesn't love me. I'm not good enough for him. He's gone. It's not a problem anymore!" By the time I was done, I was screaming, crying, and I'm sure I had an angry vein on my forehead to match my father's. I pushed away from him and again began to pace in circles, hold my chest as I attempted to keep my heart from breaking out of my chest.

Charlie appeared frozen for a second, before moving quickly to the phone, the whole time muttering, "That's not acceptable. I'm calling Carlisle right this second. I won't have anyone treat my little girl that way. If you don't want to be with someone, there are other ways of handling it. I can't believe that boy."

I interrupted what I'm couldn't have gone on for some time with an update for Charlie on my new reality. "Carlisle isn't there, Charlie. They've left. All the Cullens are gone."

Charlie swung around and looked at me. "What? That can't be. They have jobs, the kids have school. You don't just up and move away on a whim!"

"They are gone, Charlie. Call the hospital if you want, but I'm telling you, they are gone!" I screamed the last bit, and then, all of a sudden, my energy was sapped, and I slumped against the wall. "They are gone. It's not a problem anymore," I said quietly, my arms back wrapped around my chest. Sue came over, put her arm around my shoulders, and brought me to the kitchen table. Charlie watched in silence as she placed breakfast before me, and rubbed my shoulders as I ate. When I was done, I stumbled back upstairs, collapsed on my bed, and slept.

* * *

><p>Charlie did call the hospital, and confirmed my story. He simmered down, went back to work, and got on with his life. He kept a pretty close watch on me for a few days, but once he was convinced I was on the road to mental recovery, he picked up his normal schedule, leaving me alone with my thoughts more than I would like. Sue checked on me a couple more times, but she had responsibilities too. I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a discussion about me returning to school, but I was avoiding it. I didn't think I could go back there. I wasn't ready to face all the snickers and stares, and I wasn't ready to explain what had happened to anyone. The more people who knew, the more real it became.<p>

I had another problem to deal with as well. While I was coming to terms with my vampire-less existence, I couldn't shake the nasty stomach bug I seemed to have picked up in the woods. Keeping food down was proving to be a challenge, and as a result, I was often lethargic and achy. I had headaches and cramps and generally felt gross all day long, but the highlight was the vomiting which accompanied almost every meal. On the one hand, it kept me from returning to school. On the other, it was pretty gross.

Charlie didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to go to a doctor, so he handled it the way he handled my initial illness. He called Sue.

"Bella," Sue began, as she sat on the edge of my bed. "You need to go to a doctor. This is more than a simple stomach bug or the flu – it's been two weeks and you're still not able to keep much of anything down. It's not good for you. Your father is worried, and so am I. Please, let me make an appointment for you." Her voice was calm, but there was a touch of anxiety underneath it.

"Sue, I'm fine. No fever, so no infection. I've just got a bug. Aside from the actual throwing up, I don't even feel that bad," I rationalized. I had a feeling it wasn't going to work. The stink-eye she gave me informed me I was correct.

"Bella, either you haul your butt downtown and see someone this week, or I will make an appointment for you, and drag you there myself. Now, your father and I would like to let you handle this on your terms, but if you won't, we will treat you like the child you are behaving as. I'm sure there is a simple explanation, but we can't solve the problem if we don't know what it is. You have to see reason on this, Bella!" Her voice was even, but firm.

Realizing the discussion had ended, I begrudgingly agreed. "Fine, Sue. I'll handle it tomorrow, ok?"

"Thank you, sweetie. I hate to be strict on this, but your health is important to us. You are a good girl, and we all want you to experience all life has to offer."

I sighed. I didn't really know what to think about that. I appreciated the thought, of course, but I felt like I had lost my chance at "experiencing all life had to offer". In my heart, those experiences belonged with another family, in another reality. But I was trying to be positive, so I smiled and thanked her.

"Oh, by the way, Bella, Jake was asking about you yesterday. He wanted to know if you were up for a visit. I wasn't sure, so I'm leaving the ball in your court, but I know he'd like to see you," Sue added.

A thought occurred to me. "Sue, does Jake know. About the Cullens, I mean?"

Sue looked at me for a moment and then save a small nod. "The Quileute legends are true, Bella. We all know about the Cullens." With that, she gave a small nod, and walked out of my room.

* * *

><p>The next day I found myself sitting in my car outside Forks Community Hospital. Being here reminded me of them. Specifically, it reminded me of Carlisle.<p>

I don't know what, but for some reason, I found myself outrageously angry at him. He allowed Edward to do this. To play with my feelings. To dangle his family and my potential future in front of me, always knowing it was possible he would take it away. He left in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye, and he took the entire family with him. Carlisle was in charge of them – they wouldn't have gone without his directive. I felt my anger grow.

But more than that, I was hurt. Carlisle made me feel special. Made me feel cherished. Had that not been real? It must not have been, because how else could he have left without saying goodbye. Without offering his explanation and apologies. Without his gentle touch and soft words wishing me well. He meant so very much to me, and it stung to think that it wasn't reciprocated. It felt so real, so true. But here I was, sitting in the parking lot alone, so perhaps it was all a lie, or worse, a distraction. I decided I couldn't go in there – it was too much. I backed the car out of the lot, and made my way to Port Angeles. They had a walk-in clinic. That would do just fine, I presumed.

Once there, I made my way in, and went through the normal procedures. Height and weight were recorded. Blood was drawn. I was proud of myself for not vomiting at the sight of it – rather, for the first time ever, I found myself somewhat mesmerized by the sight. Strange. I was taken to an exam room where I was given the standard paper gown. I changed, and was poked and prodded. I explained about my recent emotional stress, and the physical symptoms that accompanied it. Nothing was unusual or unexpected.

At least, that was until the results came back in. As soon as the doctor came back in, I knew it was bad. She was a young physician's assistant, and she had an apology on her face before the words ever came out of her mouth. She was looking at me with pity. As she sat on the rolling stool in front of me, I saw her drawn in her breath, and I found that I was holding mine.

"Miss Swan, I have the results of your blood work here," she began, "and it would seem that you are pregnant."

Silence. What could I possibly say to that.

"If you'd like, we can do an ultrasound here to determine how far along you are more specifically, but based on your hormone levels and the tightness of your uterus as experienced during the external physical exam, I would estimate about 10-12 weeks."

Wait, what? 10-12 weeks is 3 months. Edward and I had only been having sex for a little over 6 weeks. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to tell her that it was impossible, because the only person I had slept with was a vampire, who couldn't get me pregnant. I wanted to tell her that even if he could, we hadn't been together that long. But instead, I just stared at her dumbly, because it suddenly occurred to me – _holy shit, I'm pregnant_!

"Miss Swan, I do realize this is probably a surprise, but would you like to do an ultrasound now, or schedule it with your regular physician?"

All of a sudden, the reality that I really, really didn't know what was going on hit me. Like a ton of bricks. _I was pregnant. Having a baby. Edward's baby. Could I do an ultrasound? What on earth would they see? How was this possible? What was I going to tell Charlie? CHARLIE!_ Before I knew it, my thoughts were spiraling out of control, and I was hyperventilating. The doctor was quick to lay me back on the bed, and coach me through my breathing until it was under control.

"Ok, Miss Swan, I think you've got enough to process today. Why don't we wait on the ultrasound until you've had a chance to digest the news," she said soothingly, nodding along with her words in an effort to get me to agree. I slowly nodded, still gasping for air like a fish out of water. She handed me a bottle of orange juice, and suggested I drink it to help restore my blood sugar. I complied. I wasn't sure I was capable of independent thought for a moment, until she said, "Is there someone I can call for you? Someone to pick you up? A friend, a family member… the baby's father…?"

This brought me back to reality fast. I hopped off the table, making a beeline for my clothes.

"No, thank you, I'm fine. I've got to go. My car is out front. I'll be fine. Thanks for the information, and your help. I'll, uh, I'll schedule an appointment with my doctor when I get home, I promise!" I was rambling while getting dressed as fast as I could. She looked at me with concern, and then pulled her card out and set it on the table.

"Ok, Miss Swan. I'll leave you to get ready. Here's my card if you have any questions." She looked at me with uncertainty for a second before adding, "There are some things you should do, precautions you should make, to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby. I'd be happy to talk about those things with you any time. I'd also recommend you get a baby book to walk you through what to expect, that is.. if.. if you are planning to continue the pregnancy."

My eyes flew to hers with that statement, and I saw the question there.

"I… of course. Of course I plan to have my baby," I said to her immediately, my hand instinctively flying to cover my abdomen. In part because I couldn't imagine getting rid of the one piece of Edward I had still in my possession, and in part because, quite honestly, I had no idea if I _could_ get rid of it. Literally. I was way out of my element here. Because if there was one thing I knew, it's that this wasn't going to be an ordinary pregnancy.

"Ok, then. Good. That's great. Um, congratulations, then!"

With that, the doctor was gone, and I think both of us were relieved at that. I stood there a minute, processing the news and trying to figure out where I went from here. Obviously, I wasn't going to start with Charlie. I think the news might actually kill him. I thought about Sue. She was the logical choice, but my heart hurt at telling her this news as well. Besides, that would put her in a terrible position if I wanted her to keep it from Charlie. My thoughts turned to my friends. After weighing my options, I came to the conclusion that I really only had one choice. With a deep breath, I picked up my phone.

"Hey, it's Bella," I said, my voice a little shaky with the news I was carrying. "I was wondering if I could come over there for awhile. Something's happened, and I'm not sure what to do…." After an enthusiastic response, I felt feel a tiny bit hopeful that maybe I wasn't alone in all of this.

"Thanks, Jake – see you in an hour."


	2. Chapter 2 New Beginnings Carlisle

Chapter 2 – New Beginnings (Carlisle)

Having nearly 400 years of personal history behind you tends to help keep everything in perspective. Usually. And yet, it seems like every time Edward comes storming into my office with a crisis that involves Bella, we all, myself included, fly off the handle. Today, I fear, is no exception. And yet, upon reflection, I still don't know that there was any other choice.

I was just finishing up my monthly tracking reports when Edward burst through my office door. While that wasn't the normal way of things, I wasn't instantly alarmed by the nature of his arrival, as he had a flare for the dramatic. Before looking up from my files, I raised my eyebrow in quiet rebuke and offered silently the thought, _have you forgotten to knock_?

"Edward, son, come in, sit down. I was just wrapping up some paperwork," I said aloud as I gestured to the sofa, and rose to shut the door behind him. In his current state, I was worried that if he attempted it, I would be purchasing a new door for the hospital, as well as scrambling for a suitable explanation.

"Carlisle, we need to go. We need to leave Forks. Immediately. I've been foolish, and I'm afraid I've endangered the family, and I'm worried that if we don't leave soon, it will be difficult to extricate ourselves from here without raising suspicion," Edward said quickly, forceful, but quietly. He sat down heavily on the sofa, and pinched the bridge of his nose with his one hand, resting his other arm on the armrest wearily.

"Son, what has happened? What could possibly have occurred to cause such a change in position from you? We all love Forks, and I know Esme and Rosalie would especially hate to leave it now. Please explain what has transpired." In my head, I thought pointedly, _does this have something to do with Bella?_

Edward took a deep breath, blew it out, nodded once shortly, and then said quietly, "Bella and I are no longer together. The incident surrounding her birthday has proven too much, and it would seem that she is finally aware of the differences between human and vampire. She has found her sense of self-preservation, and wishes nothing more to do with us. We frighten her, and she has asked us to leave. I think we should honor those wishes."

I sat stunned. I couldn't believe. I couldn't imagine it. From any other human on the planet, this reaction would be anticipated, expected, normal. But our Bella had seen us at our worst, and moved beyond the horrors revealed to her with a quiet grace that I greatly admired. Our Bella had shown us a devotion unparalleled by any other human I'd ever known in my 400 years on this earth. Our Bella was a fighter, and up until this point, had been fighting for us. I simply didn't understand.

"Edward," I found myself almost stuttering, something highly unusual for a 400 year old vampire, "are you certain you understood her correctly? Bella has been our strongest supporter – she fits seamlessly into the family, and we all are as fond of her as can be. Are you certain there is no mistake, no room for reconciliation? She seemed calm after the incident. I just... I just can't imagine what you are saying to be the whole truth of it."

My last sentence was a mistake. I knew it the moment I said it, but it was already on its way out.

"Are you implying that I'm being dishonest, Carlisle?" Edward was almost shouting, and I shot him a look with a silent rebuke, _watch your volume and your tone, Edward. We are not at home_.

He nodded once, and then continued in an angry, but controlled voice. "I know that you are fond of Bella, but would you let that cloud your judgment to the point that you would doubt me? I have never betrayed your trust on a matter of importance such as this. Your hesitancy leaves us in jeopardy, for she is emotional and afraid, and young girls who are controlled by fear often do desperate things. Please, time is of the essence, I'm afraid." Edward was in part scolding, in part begging me to see the picture before us. I did not want to believe his words.

"I don't mean to doubt you, Edward," I soothed. "You know it brings me no joy. I value your opinion, and I'm sure you have a solid understanding of what has transpired, but it just doesn't seem like our Bella to have such a change of heart so quickly and completely. What did she say exactly?"

Edward winced and looked away. I hated to ask him to relive the moment, but I needed to know so that I might understand. _Edward, I'm sorry to ask it, but to uproot the family, to leave Bella behind – it will be devastating. We must be sure_, I thought. I hoped my eyes told of my regret as I silently implored him to share his discussion with me.

"You wish to know, Carlisle? I shall tell you then." Edward again took a deep breath and turned away as he began.

"She said that it was something different when she could believe that we were the _good_ vampires, protecting her from the ones who would hurt her. It was easier to overlook the differences between us as we acted human enough, and it had been hard to believe the truth of our claims of danger before her birthday. When Jasper lunged at her, and when I shoved her too hard, the reality of the situation was laid out plain before her. There was no denying the truth. There are no _good_ vampires – our instincts are the same. Just because Jasper's last name is Cullen doesn't mean that he is, at his core, any different than Laurent or another vampire. Just as my strength cannot always be controlled as we had hoped it could – I sent her flying into a glass table! I did not keep her safe. My instincts caused her harm. It wasn't my intent, but it was the reality. It scared her, more than she let on. The more she reflected, the harder it became to see us as equals, and the closer we resembled those of legend. She has greater understanding that not only do we attract danger from others, but we present a danger ourselves. All of this is true and just – I cannot fault her thinking or logic. Can you, Carlisle? Can you honestly disagree with this assessment of us?"

Edward turned to me then, eyes locking on mine. I could tell he wanted me to find a flaw in this argument – that on some level, he hoped that I could see an error in what he had said. The problem was, at its core, the argument was sound. It was not safe for Bella, or any human, to stay too close to us. We were a danger, latent or immediate, to those we came in contact with. We fought it every day, but it was our nature. I suddenly felt every single one of my 400 years.

"Edward," I sighed, as I leaned against my desk and faced him, "I will admit there is truth in what you have laid out before me. We cannot guarantee her safety or deny that our instincts are anything other than dangerous to her, or anyone else who may cross our path in the wrong moment." I sighed, ran my hand over my face, and through my hair, and then crossed my arms in front of me.

"I just struggle with the knowledge that Bella sees us this way. I was hesitant about bringing her so closely into our family at first, but her genuine kindness and understanding made it easy to accept her. It's hard to imagine such a complete change of heart." I truly felt as though I might cry – I couldn't imagine what Edward was feeling at this moment. _This must be heartbreaking for you, son. I am so sorry_, I thought in a whisper.

"Never underestimate the power of fear," Edward replied seriously. "It causes you to do, to think, unimaginable things." Again, he turned his back on me and stared out the window.

I knew his words were true. I saw wars fought over fear. Relationships destroyed over fear. Cruelty beyond belief handed out because of fear. And yet, I still struggled to imagine our brave little Bella, who stood up to human and vampire alike with fierce intensity, afraid of anything. Especially us.

Heartbroken, I sighed and looked down, asking the next logical question. "Must we leave? Even if she wishes us to stay away, I can't imagine that she would reveal our secrets. She is a good girl, a thoughtful girl – I can't believe she would expose us."

Now I was the one with that look in my eyes – I was begging him to tell me that even if she was afraid, she still held the love and loyalty I had always seen in her. _Please Edward, please tell me that she is not truly lost to us_, I thought. _It will be more than any of us can take, I fear_.

Edward sighed, and without turning around said, "I don't think she would speak out of turn, but I cannot be certain. And she is close with the Quileute, without knowing why that is a danger to us. I fear for repercussions that we cannot predict, Carlisle. I am not sure it is wise to stay. Not to mention that she has a father who can make life in Forks difficult for us, and this is not our first offense, in his mind. I think it would be safer for us to depart before it has a chance to get complicated."

Again, I found myself running my hand wearily over my face, and leaving it there for a moment. I hoped it would hide the future I saw before us. Packing in the night, making poor excuses, leaving as the villains we strived so hard against. I hated it. I hated that what Edward said made sense. It was a terrible position to be in. And I simply loathed the idea of leaving my baby girl behind.

For that is what she had become. In some ways, more than any of the others, I saw her as mine and Esme's. With the possible exception of Edward, the others were essentially adults when they were changed, and needed very little in the way of parenting. They humored us for the sake of our cover story, but in their hearts and minds, they were adults and our peers and we respected that. Bella was different. She was content to be doted on by both Esme and me. She seemed to revel in our attentions, and bask at our approval and praise. From her, I felt such a strong love, a childlike admiration, and I truly hoped she would be with our family, fulfilling that role, for eternity. Wife and mate to Edward of course, but also daughter to Esme and me as well. The idea of leaving her beyond was heartbreaking. I almost couldn't breathe for how very much it pained me. And I knew that if I felt this way, Esme would be beyond consoling. It may very well destroy her.

It wasn't a decision I could make on my own. I was desperate to keep her, but also anxious to honor her wishes, however much I might dislike them. I was concerned about the family reaction, and petrified of losing my mate over an innocent girl who had slipped into our hearts while we weren't looking. For once, I didn't know what to do, and so I decided to let democracy decide.

"Let's go home, Edward, and discuss it with the family," I said wearily, gathering my briefcase and coat from my desk. "I understand your concerns and agree with them, but I fear I'm not thinking objectively about this, and would like to hear what the others have to say."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose again, a sure sign he was frustrated with me. It seemed to me that he almost wanted to leave, but I knew that could not be the case. I would never leave Esme alone, regardless of the circumstances, unattended and unprotected. I was sure he felt the same. The only thing I could fathom was that he had underplayed her sense of urgency, and that her words were driving him to escape Forks in the hopes he could outrun them. I didn't think he would, but I understood the need to try.

* * *

><p>We arrived home to find Alice pacing on the steps. I wondered briefly what she had seen, but didn't dwell on it, as she would not hold back her opinions and we would know soon enough.<p>

"Edward, what have you done?" she shrieked, racing at him with breakneck speed, and peppering his chest with a series of punches. "Bella is no longer appearing in my future, and I see the family living a despondent life in New York. What the hell has happened to make that the future I see before me?"

Edward looked startled, yet resigned to Alice's prediction. I saw an emotion I couldn't quite place briefly cross his face – was it relief? That didn't make sense to me, but I definitely couldn't be sure of what I was seeing or thinking at this point. I was officially rattled at the idea of leaving Bella behind.

"Alice, Edward," I began patiently, "let's take this inside and discuss it with the others. We will need to come to a resolution as a family." With that, I trudged up the steps and opened the front door. Esme was waiting for me, and the look on her face could only be described as horror. She hadn't said a word, and yet I suspected that tonight would be one of the longest of my very long life.

"Carlisle," Esme whispered as I made my way into her arms, "what has happened? Is Bella ok?"

It didn't surprise me a bit that her first thought was of Bella. Our little human daughter took up a good bit of both of our thoughts. I didn't really know what to say, so I tucked Esme's head under my chin, pulled her close, and just breathed her in for a minute, steadying myself.

"Edward has some news that affects us all," I said with a sigh. "I think everyone should come down for a family meeting." I spoke at a normal volume, knowing that I would be heard by all. Sure enough, as I stood in the comfort of my Esme's arms, I heard the steps coming downstairs and in from the outside, and felt more than saw everyone move past me into the dining room. Gathering my strength, I pulled apart from my wife, sucked in a deep breath, and entered the dining room, pulling out Esme's seat and then taking my own.

"Edward has some news he wishes to share, and then we have some difficult decisions to make as a family. Before we begin, I would like to ask you all to do your best to remain calm during this discussion, as I am sure we will all be feeling a bit raw, and the last thing I think we want to do is hurt each other. Agreed?" I looked around the table, and saw the silent nods and confused faces. Except for Edward and Alice, who both looked like they were facing the executioner's blade.

"Edward, son, can you update everyone on your evening?" I asked. _I'm sorry to make you relive it again, but hopefully this will be the last time_, I thought quietly. I got a slight nod, and then Edward began his tale. It was decidedly less dramatic than the version he laid out before me, and I realized that he must have just come from Bella when he burst into my office. The thought brought me great sadness. I also realized that we had immediately moved into family strategy, and I hadn't spent any time discussing his feelings on the matter, or sharing mine. I hoped to remedy that after the meeting tonight.

When he was finished, the room was quiet for a moment. _Again, Edward, I'm so very sorry, son, _I thought_. I'm here if you'd like to discuss your feelings on this once we find a resolution for the family_, I offered. Edward glanced at me, frowned, and looked down at the table. I sighed. Getting him to open up was always a challenge.

Emmett was the first to speak, and per usual, he got right to the heart of it. "So either we stay in Forks, and risk making Bella sad or mad, and force a confrontation with the Chief of Police or a pack of werewolves, or we high-tail it out of town and start over somewhere new, knowing that Eddie here is going to be a miserable pain-in-the-ass for awhile. Is that what we're talking about here?"

Edward shot Emmett a look, but then pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Basically, yes. That's the jist of it."

Rosalie spoke next. "Well, it seems obvious then. We leave. We can't risk the safety of this family for Bella, especially when she doesn't even _want_ us to risk ourselves for her. I didn't think it was wise to be so exposed before she came to her senses, but now, it certainly makes no sense. Let's get out of here while we still can!"

It was silent for a minute as everyone processed the painful truth behind Rosalie's words before Jasper spoke. "Edward, brother, you can never know how sorry I am for bringing this to your door." Edward started to interrupt, but Jasper raised a hand to stop him and continued.

"That goes for all of you. My behavior, my lack of control, has caused this, and I do not know how to make amends. Edward, you are talking about leaving your mate, your love, because of something I've done – I am so very sorry. Carlisle, Esme – I know, I feel the way you feel about Bella – it's beautiful and pure. I hate that my actions would take that from you." I inhaled sharply at his words, knowing the truth in them. I heard a small sob escape Esme before her hand came up to cover her mouth. I feared looking at her, knowing the hurt I would see there.

"Alice, my wife, my mate, my life," Jasper continued, nearly sobbing himself, "my actions have robbed you of your best friend, your first real friend, and your sister. I see it as my honor, my duty, to give you only the best in life, and here I have taken something you love so deeply from you. I don't know how to undo what I've done, but I will spend forever trying to make it right. I am so very sorry." His words, and the despair within them, caused Alice to fly out of her seat and into his arms. He clung to her with everything he had, and I realized as I watched them that no one would make it out of this decision unscathed. We would all break from this.

He looked at Alice as he spoke next, but his words were for everyone. "I hate that my actions have caused this, but since it is done, and cannot be undone, I must say that I fear for the safety of our family, of our secret, now that Bella has removed herself from us. I have felt only loyalty and deep love from her in the past, but she is young and naïve, and doesn't know the depths either her father or the Quileute would go to in protecting or avenging her. I think Bella could still be trusted, but I don't think they could. I think Rosalie is correct. I think we should leave." With his vote made, Jasper put his head down, resting his check on the top of Alice's head and closing his eyes.

Silence. No one knew what to say.

"Alice, shall I assume you wish to stay?" I asked cautiously. She was curled up on Jasper's lap, and being unusually quiet.

"I don't know what to do, Carlisle," she whispered softly. "The future I see shows us in New York, without Bella, so it would seem that's what we decide. It just looks so bleak without her." She paused, and then began again. "I can't see her at all. No matter how I manipulate things, Bella's future is blank. I can only hope this means she's decided not to let me see her future anymore – that's the only explanation I can think of. And if that's the case, maybe she does mean to cut us out," Alice finished with a sob. "It's so hard to believe. I just don't believe it, but I don't see it ending any other way!"

Emmett spoke up then, low and seriously. "I can't believe it either. Bella loves us, she loves every single one of us. I don't know what else happened, Edward, but I just can't believe that what happened with Jasper was enough to send her running for the hills. She loves us!" Emmett was insistent. I felt a rush of love for him, seeing how much he loved the little human girl that was his sister. She could have no better big brother than Emmett, and I always thought she knew that and loved him all the more for it. Now I wasn't sure, and it broke my heart to think it, just as I'm sure it broke his.

Edward hopped up from his chair, and paced to the window, facing away from us. He pinched the bridge of his nose yet again, and then explained, "Emmett, I know she loved us. I do. But sometimes that isn't enough. She is right to be afraid of us. She is right to be uncomfortable around us. She is right to want to distance herself from people who hurt her, over and over again. How she forgave what happened in Phoenix, I have no idea, but she shouldn't have. She should have run away then. She's finally come to her senses, and I will not sit there and insist that she stay with us when she doesn't want to, especially not when it's in her best interests. I love her – I will always love her – you know that it's true. I only want what is best for Bella. And I think that we need to leave to give her the peace of mind she needs, and the safety she deserves."

Silence reigned again. I hadn't said much, but there was one person who had said nothing. I turned to look at her, and felt my chest crush at the grief evident on her face.

"Esme," I choked. "Esme, please say something."

She looked at me for a long time, almost as if she was seeing me for the first time. Then she spent some time looking at each of us around the table. I know she saw our grief, I know she felt it, and yet before she even spoke, I knew she was furious with us all for even thinking of walking away. Bella was her baby, too.

Finally, she spoke. "What do you want me to say, Carlisle?" Her voice was even, but flat. I had never heard it like this before, especially not directed at me.

"You've all already decided, haven't you? In fact, I wonder if this discussion was even necessary. It seems as though you and Edward decided before you even walked through the door tonight what was going to happen. Well, I think it's deplorable. She is ours, Carlisle!" Esme was now in hysterics – sobbing invisible tears as she made her point.

"She is our baby, as much as she is Edward's mate! He may have fought for her and lost, but I haven't been given the chance. I want to fight for my baby girl and see her tell me to my face that she doesn't love me. That she wants us to leave. I can't even believe we are having this discussion without her. She should be here, representing herself. Only then will I believe that my Bella could feel this way, say these things. This is all wrong!"

With that, Esme also stood, and made it nearly to the doorway before I caught her. I held her against me tightly. She fought at first, sobbing as she pushed against me, before finally collapsing into my arms, and clinging to me with everything she had. "I don't want to lose her, she's my baby girl," she wailed into my chest. Her pain was eating me alive, and everyone else in the room as well. I looked over at Jasper, and he was doubled over from the effects of Esme's meltdown.

Still holding her and rocking her gently, I turned slightly back to the room and said, "Jasper, go outside. Go for a hunt. Edward, you and Alice go with him. All three of you need some air." They exchanged glances, stood, and exited via the back door. Rosalie and Emmett stayed at the table, awaiting instruction.

"Rosalie, Emmett – can you please head out to the house in Ithaca? We'll start there and see how we go. Pack up two of the cars and go separately. We will follow you as soon as we can make our leave." I whispered the words, hoping to ease the sting of them. It didn't work. Rosalie nodded. Emmett frowned, looked down at the table for a minute, and then looked up and gently said, "Ok, Carlisle. We'll take care of it." With that, they were both off.

I held my wife to my chest another few minutes, letting each of her sobs echo in my heart. I hated this too, but the family was looking to me for guidance, and I had to err on the side of caution. I would never begrudge Edward for bringing Bella into our life, for she was an unexpected ray of sunshine in what had been a somewhat monotonous existence. But the pain of losing her was threatening to destroy the family that had been my greatest comfort for the past century, and of that, I was truly afraid.

I vowed to do everything in my power to keep the family together through these turbulent times. I suspected it would be some time before Esme and I could have a rational conversation about the decision I made tonight, in part because of her anger, and in part because of my guilt. I hoped with time, the pain would ease and our family would be restored. For now, there was much to be done. We were leaving Forks – tonight.


	3. Chapter 3 A Man's Decision Bella

Chapter 3 – A Man's Decision (Bella)

I was proud of myself for finding my way to Jake's house all on my own. Normally, when I came to La Push, Charlie was driving, and I was staring out the window not paying a lick of attention and dreading the upcoming fishing expedition we were surely headed to. This trip found me intensely focused on the road, however, in hopes that I could distract myself from thinking about either of the other things on my mind: _Edward leaving_, and of course, _Edward leaving me pregnant_. I really didn't know how to process either concept.

So with great care and deliberation, I made my way through the reservation towards Jake's house. I didn't dwell on what I would tell him. I suspected I would blurt it out in a moment of panic – and it didn't matter anyways. There was probably no graceful way to tell a family friend/mild acquaintance that you were pregnant with an absent vampire's baby, and gee, you were hoping he'd have some advice on that. Yeah, it wasn't a conversation I could plan out.

I stopped in front of the little red house that was scattered through memories of my time with Dad. Jake and I had been the best of friends as children. Neither of us was big on email, so between me living in Phoenix and then dating vampires in Forks, we really hadn't had the chance to get close as adults. I had suspected for some time that he wanted more from me than I was willing to give, so it just seemed easier to avoid the problem.

Looking across the muddy yard, I couldn't help but wonder: _what would Edward think of me turning to Jacob in my time of need?_ I suspected he would hate it. The rift between the Cullens and the Quileute was only now beginning to make sense, but I was very clear on Edward's position about them – they were dangerous, and I should stay away. _And yet, Edward was no longer here to offer his opinions_, I realized with that familiar burning in my chest. Therefore, I chose to disregard them and found myself exiting the truck and making my way up the gravel pathway.

Before I could even knock, the door flew open and I felt myself getting swooped up in Jacob's arms. It was a familiar feeling, but it reminded me of Emmett. _Oh, Emmett._

"Bells! It's great to see you! I can't believe I finally got you down here" he said enthusiastically, while continuing to swing me around in his arms.

I felt the tell-tale nausea returning, and tried to escape his embrace. "Jake, put me down. I mean it! I'm going to be sick!"

That did it. Instantly, my feet touched the ground, but the damage was done. I turned to the bushes on the side of the path, and expelled my meager breakfast. I felt Jake's hands on my shoulders, supporting me as I stood hunched over and vomiting. When I was done, I took a deep breath and looked up at the concerned face above me.

"Sorry about that," I said shakily. "I didn't see that one coming until it was too late to stop it." I chuckled, hoping to ease the tension on Jake's face. It didn't work.

"Jeez, Bella! I'm so sorry. I swear, it was an accident! I didn't think I was swinging you so hard!" Jake cried, with concern and regret etched on his face.

Poor guy. He thought this was his fault.

"No worries, Jake. It's fine. It wasn't your fault. I've been sick a few weeks, and the littlest things set me off. It's, ah, yeah, it's actually the reason I wanted to talk with you today…" I trailed off, looking away. I figured that we might as well get down to it.

"What? How I can help, Bells? I mean, I want to help, but I don't really know what I can do? Do you, I don't know, do you need some soup or something?" He looked so puzzled, but eager to please. I found myself touched at his earnestness.

"No Jake," I chuckled. "It's more complicated than that." I paused, not wanting to go into details on the front stoop. "Is there someplace private we could talk for a few minutes?"

He looked at me for a minute, and then shrugged and nodded. "Sure, let's head to my garage. No one ever really goes in there. I've also got some bottled water in the mini-fridge, which I'm guessing you could use right about now, huh?"

I smiled. "That would be great, Jake. Thanks."

We made our way over to the garage in silence, but it was comfortable. I felt safe with Jacob, like the time spent apart had meant nothing at all. I also appreciated having a couple of minutes to pull myself together. It had been an emotional day, and it wasn't over yet. Not even close.

"Grab a seat, Bells," he said, gesturing to a bench lining the far wall. He made his way over to the fridge, and pulled out a couple of waters, handing me one. He then sat down next to me, opened his bottle, and took a long draw of water. He was waiting for me to begin.

I mirrored his actions, took a deep breath, and began.

"So, I'm guessing you heard about my little disappearing act a couple of weeks ago, right?" This seemed as good a place to start as any.

Jake shot me a sideways glance, then faced forward and replied, "Sure, sure. I was in the search party. You were a pretty big mess when we found you, Bells. I'm glad everything was ok."

"Have you heard any rumors about what I was doing out there, Jake? Have you talked to Sue? Has Charlie given your dad the low-down on what happened?" I didn't want to relive details better left locked away unless I had to.

He didn't turn to look at me this time. He sighed, and flatly stated, "Rumor has it you were in the woods with Cullen, and he left you there. Then he skipped town. All of them did." He paused, waiting for me to respond. When I didn't, he added, "Is that about the truth of things?"

Now it was my turn to glance in his direction. There was a harshness to his tone that hadn't been there before. It was not unlike the way Edward sounded when he talked about Jake. I took it as a sign to tread carefully.

"Yeah, that's pretty much dead on. I kind of fell apart. I still don't know," I stopped, as my voice caught, took another deep breath, and began again. "I still don't know everything that happened, but when I finally came around, Sue was waiting for me, and we had a little chat. She uh, she told me that the Quileute legends were true, and she knew, uh, she knew all about the Cullens."

My last sentence came out more as a question than a statement, because I needed Jake to confirm his knowledge before I felt I could speak freely.

"Yeah, that's right," Jake said, still not looking at me. "She told me you knew what they were and didn't care." He paused, looked down to the ground and said quietly, "She said you loved them even knowing what they were."

My heart broke for him as my silence confirmed his statement. He looked miserable.

"I'm sorry Jake," I whispered softly after a minute. "I can't help it. Even now, even after everything that's happened, I ache for him. For them. I wish I could turn it off – make it go away, but I can't. When I sleep, I dream of him. Everything in Forks reminds me of them. Even you – the way you greeted me at the door a few minutes ago – it reminded me so much of Emmett that I almost couldn't stand it. They are everywhere. And yet," I whispered, looking to the ground myself, "they are nowhere. I'm sorry."

Jake glanced at me then, and asked, "Is that why you puked? Because I reminded you of Emmett? Wait, he's the big one, right?" Jake looked slightly proud at the comparison.

A little giggle escaped me at his words. "Yes, Emmett is the big one. And no, that's not why I was sick. That's something else entirely." Realizing that I had to keep the story moving, I added, "we'll get to that in a minute."

I began again.

"So, you know about the Cullens, and you know I've been dating Edward, right?" I looked over at him for confirmation. He nodded without looking up from the ground.

"And you know Edward is gone – they are all gone, and I'm sure you agree that if they don't want to be found, I'm not going to be able to find them, right?"

At this, Jake raised his eyes, and looked me dead in the eyes.

"Why on earth would you want to find them? After everything they did? Knowing he left you here – that they left you here? Let it go, Bella, Jeez! There are plenty of other people you could be with, good people. You deserve someone good, someone who will cherish you and put you first, and _not_ someone who will leave you alone in the woods to fend for yourself. Not someone who can't see how amazing you are! You deserve better than that, Bella!" Jake was on his feet by this point, hovering over me and all but yelling.

Tears sprang to my eyes at his words, and the knowledge that he thought he could be that person for me. I wished it were that simple.

"Jake," I said softly, with tears still leaking down my face, "it's not that simple. My mind knows you are probably right, hell, it knows that you _are_ right, but my heart, well, it wants what it wants. Even though it knows it can't have it. He's it for me, Jake. I need you to acknowledge that."

He looked at me for a long moment, and then turned his back to me. Still seated on the bench, I saw his shoulders rise and fall as he collected himself.

"Why, Bella?" he asked lowly. "What does it matter? You know what you want, _who_ you want. Why do you care what I think?"

I took a deep breath. "Because something has happened and it involves the Cullens. I need someone who knows what they are, and who is willing to keep that secret. I need your help, Jake."

Even as I said it, I knew it wasn't fair. It was cruel to involve him in this, knowing his feelings for me. But I was desperate.

He rounded on me then, and quietly, but with deadly seriousness he asked, "You came here to ask me to help you protect them? They are our mortal enemies, Bella! I can't help you with that! Hell, I would be the first one to go after them should they get anywhere near here." He paused and looked directly at me and finished with, "I can't help you with that, Bella. I won't."

A sob slipped out before I could control it. I knew it was foolish to ask, and beyond heartless to push, but I had to. I needed him.

"I'm not asking you to help them, Jacob," I said weakly. "I'm asking you to help me. I'm in trouble, and I really need a friend. But it involves the Cullens, too. And I won't betray their secret to save my own skin. Please, Jake! There are only so many people I can turn to, and I can't let Charlie know. Sue or Billy would tell him, Jake. Charlie can't know. He can't. At least not until I figure out what the hell I'm going to do!"

I was openly crying now, as my eyes remained on his, pleading. I'm sure he heard the desperation in my voice, and as his eyes roamed over my broken and exhausted frame shaking from stress and the force of my sobs, I saw him cave. I saw his resignation before he could verbalize it. In his defeat, I saw my hope staring back at me.

"Shit, Bells," he groaned, taking his seat next to me. "Stop crying, ok? I'll do anything you want if you just stop crying."

I chuckled through my tears at the truth of that statement, and then I found myself crying all over again, this time in gratitude. I truly did not deserve this amazing man beside me, and I knew it.

"Thank you," I gasped through my tears. "Thank you. I'm so scared, Jake. I don't know what I'm going to do!"

He pulled me to him, and held me softly for a minute. He started to rock me a little, in what I'm sure would have been a soothing gesture if not for my perpetual nausea.

"Jake, no rocking," I muttered into his chest. "I don't want to throw up on you again."

I heard him snicker at me, and the rocking stopped. We stayed like that for a minute or so, and then he said quietly, "I think you need to tell me what's going on now, Bella. What have I just agreed to?"

I pulled back and studied his face. He looked concerned, but interested. Open. Ready.

I was not ready. Because I knew once I verbalized it to him, to anyone, it became real.

Oh, god.

"Jake," I began, and then stopped. _Oh god, here we go_. "Jake, the thing is, I, um, well, Edward and I, we uh, dated for awhile, and so um, you know, we…" I raised my eyebrows and waived my hand, hoping he would get the idea and not make me say it. He looked at me in confusion.

"I know you dated, Bells, but I don't…" I could see the wheels turning and I saw it on his face when it clicked. "_You slept with him_!" he yelled disbelievingly.

I nodded, looking down. He rose to his feet again, and looked at me, "How is that even possible? He's not human, Bella. _He's not human_. How did that even happen without him crushing you to death? What were you thinking? You're lucky he didn't kill you!" The volume of his declarations had decreased some, but not much.

"Jake," I admonished with a flush to my cheeks, "shut up! If I had wanted Billy and the entire rest of the reservation to know, I would have taken out an ad! We were dating, it happens. Get over it."

"Hey, look, you are the one who brought it up. I don't want to know this shit, Bella," Jake exclaimed. He paused, and then looked at me with an expression I couldn't place. "Why _did _you bring it up?"

"Um, well, see, he was my first… you know…" I stuttered embarrassingly. "My only…, you know…" Jake had a hand over his face at this point, and the other was firmly at his side, squeezing into tight fists.

"Bell-la," he dragged out, "why on earth are you telling me this? I _really_ don't want to know this shit."

"Because I'm pregnant," I whispered.

* * *

><p>They say that the truth will set you free.<p>

I discovered that in my case, the truth would not set me free, but rather, a two-ton werewolf in the form of my new/old best friend.

Turns out, when Sue said the Quileute legends were true, she meant the entire legend was true. In my self-centeredness, I failed to connect those dots. So I was rather startled when my news transformed the boy I grew up with into a monstrous wolf.

Which is how found myself huddled between the bench and the mini-fridge, curled up in a ball, clutching my abdomen in protection and also terror. I was trapped in Jake's garage with a giant wolf who was snarling and drooling at me as he stalked circles around the beat-up old VW Rabbit that Jake had been restoring.

After a few minutes, when the wolf made no motion towards me, I found myself wondering, _is Jake actually in there_? I figured there was no time like the present to find out, because he didn't seem to be leaving.

"Um, Jake," I asked, just barely above a whisper. "Jake, uh, are you in there? Um, do you think you could, uh, come back and talk about this with me? I don't, ah, I don't really know what's going on, and I'm a little freaked out." My voice was shaky, but I was doing my best to sound friendly. I didn't want him to think I was scared of him, even though, of course, I was petrified.

The wolf stopped making laps around the car and faced me for a second. His head turned slightly like he was thinking through a puzzle. Then a low growl began rumbling from deep within him. I scooted as far back against the wall as I could, even as I knew it wouldn't do me any good.

The Jake-wolf turned suddenly, and took two giant strides to the door of the garage. He then remained still, perched, as if he were waiting for something. I didn't hear anything myself, but whatever it was, I suspected I wasn't going to like it.

"Jake," I whispered. "What is going on? Talk to me!"

I was ignored. Completely.

Another minute passed. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I was beginning to get frustrated instead of scared when all of a sudden, I heard it. It sounded like a horses galloping. From the woods across from Jacob's garage I saw four shadowy figures emerge. More wolves. _Shit_.

"Jake, Jake, what are they doing here? Make them go away!" I cried, terrified. This was definitely not what I bargained for.

The other wolves moved closer, and Jake snarled. One of the outside wolves snarled back. Then silence.

It seemed as though it was quiet for a long time, but I knew something was going on between Jake and the wolves. His hackles were raised, his stance was defensive, and he was poised for attack. I didn't understand what had happened, but the occasional snarl or grunt let me know that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

After a couple of minutes with no perceptible change, I heard voices approach. Billy, Sue, and another woman I didn't recognize were headed our way. They looked pissed.

Billy was the first to speak.

"Sam, stand down. That's an order." I looked at Billy Black in wonder. I knew he was the Chief, but it never occurred to me what that distinction meant. As I saw the four dark wolves slink back into the woods, I gained a new respect for Billy Black.

"Jacob, I need you to phase back. Sue?" Billy glanced at Sue, who stepped forward and into the garage. Jake didn't stop her. She placed what looked like a pair of sweatpants on the hood of the car, and then slowly made her way towards me.

My eyes were on the wolf that was Jake. He moved behind the car, and in a flash, my friend, Jacob, was back before me. He reached for the black cotton, and after a moment, emerged from behind the car in…black sweatpants. Okay, then. I decided to process that later.

"Bella," Sue said softly, as she approached the little nook I had found myself curled up in, "can you come out? Everything is ok, I promise."

I looked at her and saw no deception. I also saw no wolves.

"I think," I whispered, "I think I might need a hand." I had been curled up tight for what was only a few minutes, but my muscles were screaming from the intensity of my hold, and my heart was racing. I occurred to me that this couldn't possibly be good for the baby.

_The baby!_ My eyes darted to Sue, to Billy, and finally to Jake. I didn't understand what had happened, but somehow Sue and Billy knew enough to come find us. Did they know about the baby somehow? I saw only compassion and concern on Sue and Billy's face, so I decided that either way, there was no sense staying put. I grabbed the hand that Sue was offering, and let her pull me to my feet.

It took me a moment to steady myself, and then I made eye contact again, "Thank you," I said more clearly. "I guess we have a lot to talk about, huh?"

She gave me small smile, nodded, and then put an arm around my shoulder. I found myself facing Billy and Jake. Billy looked concerned. Jake, well, he looked embarrassed. Afraid. _Oh, Jake_. He was afraid of my reaction.

I took a deep breath and approached him. He eyed me warily.

"You ok, Jake? I mean, that doesn't hurt or anything, does it?"

He looked at me like I'd grown two heads for a moment, and then threw back his head and laughed. Loudly. I found myself offering a small smile in return.

"Honestly, Bella?" he asked. "I just turned into a werewolf in front of your eyes, snarled at you for five minutes, revealed your secret to the entire pack nearly getting us both killed, and you want to know if I'm okay?" He laughed again. "You are something else, Bells!"

I gave him a chuckle, as I started towards him. "Hey, I dated a vampire. It takes a lot more than that to weird me out," I said playfully. I found myself in a gentle embrace, and let myself accept it for a minute as I processed all that had happened. I was doing ok, until I caught the last piece of his statement.

"Wait, what?" I asked as I pulled away. "You revealed my secret to the whole pack? What the fuck, Jake? How… when?" I could feel frustration and confusion blooming. "Why would you do that? Did you miss the part where I didn't want anyone else to know?"

"Bella," Billy said calmly as he rolled closer. "I think Jake and I need to explain a few things. Beginning with the fact that when he phases, his thoughts are connected to the other members of the pack. He didn't choose to tell them – it was simply there for the taking. It was out of his control."

I looked at Billy and saw the seriousness of his words.

"Ugh, ok fine," I groaned. "What else do I need to know about all this?"

Billy smirked, and Sue and Jake chuckled. "There are probably a few things we should go over," Billy said. He paused, shot a pointed look at my abdomen, raised an eyebrow, and asked, "And I believe you have something you need to discuss with us as well?"

I sighed. This day was not going as I had planned.

"I suppose I do, Billy. I suppose I do," I replied.

"Fine. Let's go inside then, and clear the air," Billy remarked as he turned and rolled out of the garage. As he exited, he stopped in front of the other woman who had come with him and Sue to intercede against the wolves.

"Emily," he said, looking at her, "I'd like you to meet Bella. I'm sure you two will be fast friends. Bella," he said, without turning around, "meet Emily. She's Sam's wife. She's also the midwife here on the reservation."

* * *

><p>Our conversation was much more straightforward than my discussion with Jake. Billy and Sue kept us on task, and Emily listened rather than spoke. I found her quiet strength soothing.<p>

The plan was simple in theory, complex in reality. We agreed on the following course of action:

Step 1: I would get a full physical, with ultrasound, under an assumed name in Seattle at a walk-in clinic. Somewhere that wouldn't ask questions, and wouldn't follow-up. Just so we knew what we were dealing with. Jake agreed to come with me. I was terrified.

"I never thought I'd be impersonating a baby-daddy to a vampire kid, Bells," he joked, trying to cheer me up. "I wonder if he'll have my complexion?" he finished as he batted his eyes. I gave him a smirk as I replied, "I'm pretty confident that he'll take after his Mama, Jake – pasty white."

He frowned at that, probably realizing that the baby would take after both parents if he were white as chalk, and then shrugged it off, replying, "Well, let's just hope he doesn't sparkle. That shit's just weird."

I laughed. Out loud. Because it was true. The sparkling was weird.

My hand found my belly and I watched it resting there. "Do you think he'll be ok, Jake? I mean, I don't really know how this is possible, but I… I really want him to be ok," I said softly. I looked up, only to find Jake looking down at my hand and belly too.

"I don't know, Bells, I don't know," he said softly. "But I promised I'd do anything I can to help, and I will. I, uh, I'd really like to meet that baby of yours one day, too," he said with a small smile as he met my eyes.

It was a pretty great moment.

Step 2 of the plan was a little more tricky. Sue had a friend who ran a school for troubled teens in California. She was going to suggest to Charlie that I go and get some help. I was going to be agreeable, citing too many memories in Forks, and not enough emotional strength to deal with Renee. Then, instead of going, Sue and Billy were going to find me a place to tuck away for awhile until we knew what we were dealing with. Time was of the essence, as I needed to be out of Charlie's house before I couldn't hide my pregnancy. We all agreed that even without the whole supernatural element to this, Charlie wasn't ready to handle my news. I mean, even before the "accident" in Phoenix and my little jaunt in the woods, Charlie could barely handle having a teenage daughter under his roof. Handling a pregnant teenage daughter with loads of secrets, health issues, and supernatural creatures all up in her business simply seemed too much to ask. And neither Billy nor I felt we could fill him in on the complete truth of things.

Step 3 involved research. Jake and I were going to do research on Quileute and vampire legends. While in Seattle, we would go to the library and see if we couldn't find an oral history, a ghost story, a fable – anything to help give us an indication about what to expect out of this pregnancy. It certainly wasn't going to be reliable, but anything was better than nothing.

Step 4 involved Emily. She was going to serve as my physician once we knew what we were dealing with. We all agreed that this was not a case for Forks Community Hospital.

She was also going to work her magic to convince Sam that my unborn child posed no threat to the pack of werewolves desperate to destroy it. That was what Jake had been discussing with Sam and the others in the garage. That's why he was so on edge. They saw the vampire baby as a threat, and they wished to destroy it. Regardless of the impact it had on my life, my survival.

Billy, Sue, Jake, and Emily agreed to help and protect me. _Your father was a good man_, Billy said, _and he always looked out for Jake and his sisters_. Billy said he was proud to have the opportunity to return the favor.

As I listened to Billy speak with such respect for Charlie, and felt the care he showed towards me, I realized that there were lots of kinds of family. Maybe I was being welcomed into a new one, even as I mourned my absent vampires. Sue cared for Charlie, she cared for me, and I could tell she cared for the wolves in the woods, despite her irritation with them. Billy ruled with a firm hand, but a kind heart. And Jake… Jake was so furious at the thought of Edward and me together that he literally exploded into a wolf. And yet that same Jake was holding my hand and assuring me that we'd make it all work. We'd figure it out. It would be ok.

My heart ached for Edward, but I realized that my baby might still have a family, even if he couldn't have a father. They might be werewolves, but they'd still be family. It was the first sense of peace I could remember feeling for weeks.

We had a plan. And Jake promised to stay by my side until there was a resolution, one way or another. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that I had a few strong allies fighting in my corner. It was a start.


	4. Chapter 4 A Man's Decision Carlisle

**Chapter 4 – A Man's Decision (Carlisle)**

The move had good smoothly, however rushed we might have been. In the chaos of removing ourselves from Forks, we packed only the essentials that would fit in the cars, sealed the house, and made our excuses to the hospital and school. We had become experts at the quick getaway.

All of our houses were fitted with electronic rolling shutters, originally designed for hurricanes, but wonderful for ensuring security and privacy. By lowering the shutters and locking the door, we could be certain of the safety of our belongings until we could arrange for a proper move. We learned long ago that security systems were unstable, and we didn't want the police appearing onto our property because a tree had knocked out a window and the alarm had been tripped. Especially after we had "disappeared" and couldn't be reached. The shutters provided a convenient solution. So with some hasty packing and the draping of furniture, we found we could leave rather quickly without concern. Eventually, we would have to make a decision about whether to keep the house in Forks, but I knew emotions were too raw at present to even begin that discussion.

Upon arrival in Ithaca, the family moved automatically into our roles.

Esme took inventory on the furniture, design, and structure of the house, and began to update and remodel as needed. It had been nearly 70 years since we'd been in this home, and there was much to be done. Furthermore, Esme desperately needed the distraction. She had been extremely reserved since we departed Forks, and I found myself hoping that this project would bring her out of her thoughts a bit. I missed her companionship, and I craved her comfort.

Edward introduced himself around town at key locations, reading the thoughts of those he encountered for any sign that they remembered us from our previous time in Ithaca. It would seem that either we were not terribly memorable, or the population had turned over enough since our last appearance. I suspected the latter was closer to the truth. This was a helpful task for the family, but it also was important for Edward, as it kept him away from the family for much of the day, and as such, away from our thoughts. I knew Bella was never far from my mind, and I suspected I was not the only one dwelling on the loss to our family. When he was home, Edward tended to isolate himself on the third floor, as far from us as possible. I found I could not blame him.

Emmett was attempting a brave face, as he used his strength and enthusiasm to help unpack and arrange furniture. He sought silly distractions and engaged various family members in his antics to provide levity and reduce tension. His efforts were much appreciated, if not always successful. One of the things I always admired about Emmett was his ability to seek the best in people, in circumstances. Among us, he was unique in his enthusiasm for the vampire lifestyle, and his positivity was especially helpful with Rosalie and Edward. He translated that into helping the family settle in to our new home as best he could. It was a commendable effort, especially since I knew he missed the girl he dubbed his baby sister.

Alice and Rosalie assisted Esme with her redecorating. Rosalie was far more cooperative and pleasant than was typical for her after a move – she strongly disliked upheaval. I suspected that as much as she showcased her disapproval for Bella, there was a small part of her that was proud of the girl for choosing her humanity. Knowing Rosalie, she would be uncomfortable with this feeling, and therefore eager to move past her thoughts on it.

Alice was struggling more with our departure. The redecorating kept her busy, but I could tell her mind was regularly flickering for a glimpse of what was to come. So far, she had not seen anything noteworthy. I sensed a mounting frustration from our normally bright star. She was also, rightfully so, worried about Jasper. I was as well.

Jasper was hurting. Always. It would seem that between his own guilt over the incident that prompted Bella's shift in heart, and the hurt and sadness the rest of us were feeling, Jasper was near collapse with grief and guilt. He spent a good deal of time hunting, and lingered in the forest much longer than was necessary most days. I wanted to offer him consolation, but he thus far had not been receptive to it. He would accept Alice's embrace and soothing touch, but even her words seemed to incite rather than relieve his pain.

As for me, I found myself feeling isolated. Esme, Edward, and Jasper were struggling mightily with our decision to leave, and yet would accept no comfort or reprieve from their pain. Alice had no suggestions on a path to lead us from the misery we found ourselves in, and in decision-making, I had come to rely on her insight for guidance and found myself at a loss without her by my side. Emmett and Rosalie were fighting to make this move a success and to pull the rest of the family from their sulking, and yet, I found that I struggled to participate. The truth of the matter was, I was hurting too, and I also found myself grieving in memories and what might have been. I really felt no better about it all than Edward or Esme, though I suspect I hid my battered heart a bit better.

The reality was, we left Bella and we left Forks, but it would be some time before either left us. I just hoped we could wait it out.

* * *

><p>In the days that followed our move, each of us kept busy enough. New clothes were needed, furniture purchased, flooring replaced, identification changed, and of course, we slowly began to integrate with the community. I found a position with an out-patient surgery clinic, which would not be enough to keep me busy, but was something to fill a part of my time. I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to return to the hospital – I suspected that I already had an employment file on record somewhere, and didn't want to risk discovery. Also, if we decided not to stay in Ithaca, it would be easier to leave the smaller practice. Forks Community Hospital was not pleased at my disappearing act, and I didn't want to handle myself that way again, if I could avoid it.<p>

However, eventually the house was settled and then came the question, _what to do next?_ The rest of the family resisted making any decisions about school. None of them really seemed to have the heart for it, and I found I couldn't argue. The problem with this, of course, was that it left far too much free time for a family on the edge of a crisis.

We had been in Ithaca two weeks when I came home to find Rosalie and Alice slumped on the sofa watching some deplorable television show about unfortunate fashion decisions, and girls who needed makeovers. I found myself wondering if it were possible for a vampire's brain to rot. If so, I suspected my girls were well on their way.

I made my way over to the kitchen area, where I found Esme baking cookies. I raised an eyebrow at her, afraid to comment further. She glanced up at me just in time to catch the look, and frowned before looking down, and continuing her efforts.

"What?" she asked, somewhat defensively. "I can't bake? We just remodeled the kitchen – it seems only right that I put it to use."

I tossed my jacket and briefcase on the small table in the corner, and slowly made my way over to her. Standing behind her, I gently put my hands around her waist and drew her to me. I was pleased to feel her lean back into me, accepting my touch with her body if not her hands. He hands were covered in flour and dough, and I was fine with them staying on the center island where they were.

"Of course you can, my love," I murmured into her ear. "It just caught me by surprise. I just didn't expect that we'd be doing much cooking now that…" I found myself trailing off. I didn't want to complete the sentence, and I'm sure she didn't want me to. Her head came down and I felt her shoulders slump from within my embrace. Her posture screamed grief.

I held her closer, frustrated at myself for speaking out of turn. I placed a gentle kiss on her neck and whispered, "I'm sorry, love. Truly." After a long pause, I added, "I think it's wonderful that you're baking. I bet there are some little ones on the children's ward at the hospital that would love to see these beautiful cookies."

She raised her head, and turned it slightly so that she could see me over her shoulder. "I know it's silly, Carlisle. I just wanted to do something familiar, soothing. And I loved baking for her. I loved caring for her. It gave me such peace to be able to do that for her," she whispered, her voice laced with a longing I knew I could never fill. "I just wanted to feel close to her somehow."

It was as much as she'd let me into her thoughts since we'd left Forks. And now I wondered if she was actually protecting me with her silence, because the anguish I felt from her words was crushing. I found myself choking back a sob, as I firmly kissed her forehead, leaving my lips to linger there.

"I know, sweetheart," I said against her skin. "I know."

We stay in that moment for awhile, just holding each other, sharing our grief silently. It had been the longest conversation we'd had in weeks, and no words were even spoken. Our embrace was saying what we could not put to words.

The moment ended with a loud growl from the third floor, and the quick pounding of feet down the steps.

"I can't believe, you, Rose!"

Edward had come flying down the stairs and was now looming over Rosalie and Alice on the sofa, hands balled into fists at his side, as the fiery expression on his face told of trouble.

"Whatever, Edward. It's true. If you don't like it, you can get the hell out of my head!" Rose shot back from her seat.

I pulled myself from Esme and made my way into the living room.

"Edward, Rosalie," I spoke, striving for patience. "May I inquiry as to what's going on?"

"Edward's acting like a child," was Rosalie's reply, somewhat impatiently.

"Rosalie is a bitch," Edward spat out at the same time, with far more ire to his tone.

"Edward!" I admonished. "Surely there is some other way you can verbalize your problem. Now, tell me, what is going on?"

"Rosalie," Edward said, with a low, dangerous air to his voice, "disapproves of Bella's wardrobe. Rosalie," he continued after taking a breath, "thinks that Bella's fashion sense is pathetic. Rosalie would like to register Bella for this awful television program and Rosalie thinks it would hilarious to watch Bella's embarrassment as her choices are criticized on national television. That, Carlisle, is what is going on," Edward finished. He had not taken his eyes off of Rosalie, and his low growl could once again be heard in the back of his throat.

"Are you telling me it's not true, Edward? Are you telling me your little human princess is really a fashionista in disguise? Do you think that next year all the designers will be added oversized hoodies and baggy jeans to their lines? Really, Edward? Really?" Rosalie asked while glaring back at Edward.

"And besides," she continued, "what does it matter? It's not like she can hear me? I just thought she could use a makeover. I wasn't suggesting we take her out back and shoot her! Settle down, Edward! Don't be so melodramatic!"

Edward's growl increased. He was not backing down.

"She may not be a stuck-up snob like some people," Edward retorted, "but she's true to herself and is an amazing woman with an unbelievable soul, and I won't have you talk about her like that. She doesn't deserve your harsh words and cruel judgment, Rose. She's better than that!"

"She doesn't deserve it? She's put this family through hell! She is a scared little child who wanted to play with the big bad vampires, and then ran away when it got too difficult for her. That would have been fine, except that she's broken everyone's heart in the process. We are broken because of her, Edward! Our family is in ruins because your little innocent plaything took us all for a ride. Eternity is not long enough to undo the damage she's caused. So don't sit there and tell me that she's better than that! Don't stand there and protect her, because she definitely would not do the same for you!"

Edward looked like he might literally tear Rosalie's head off. I understood his frustration, but this was not a proportional response to her cruelty.

"Edward," I directed, as I made my way closer, "stand down. While Rosalie's comments are crass and thoughtless, they do not deserve this reaction," I stated calmly, while eyeballing Rosalie to let her know my thoughts on her comments. "Especially when you consider that she never verbalized her opinions until prompted. She is entitled to her thoughts, Edward, however much you might disagree with them."

I put a gentle hand on his shoulder. It was immediately, and forcefully, shrugged off.

He turned away, and with his back to both of us replied, "She's wrong. My Bella deserves only the best. Beyond what we could ever give her. Rosalie doesn't know what she's talking about." The words were said quietly, but with a great deal of force. I was amazed that despite the hurt he felt, he could hold her in such high esteem. It made my heart ache for him.

"I would not disagree, Edward," I said calmly. "I'm proud of you for continuing to champion her despite what has occurred. I too wish only to dwell on the positive associations with our Bella. However, just like you, we are all hurting, and entitled to our feelings, however unpleasant they may sometimes be. We cannot all be as magnanimous as you."

I turned to Rosalie then, and addressed her. "Rosalie, I respect your thoughts and feelings regarding everything that has happened, and appreciate that your perspective is different than the majority because you never warmed to Bella. I would ask, however, that you attempt to be respectful of the fact that everyone else is grieving."

She rolled her eyes at me. "I didn't say a word, Carlisle. Not until Edward launched a confrontation."

"True, Rosalie, true," I conceded in a patient tone. "Perhaps, though, you could work a little harder to keep thoughts of Bella from your mind? I would hate to think you were purposefully goading Edward, knowing he's just lost his mate and is hurting. Surely, that's not what has happened, but I'm sure you can see how it might appear that way," I stated it, deciding to take a more passive route. We'd had enough conflict today.

Rosalie stood up with a huff. "Fine. Bella's not worth all this fuss, anyways," she snipped as she stomped off. "Emmett," she called from the bottom of the stairs, "let's go for a run. I need to get out of here!"

I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration, as I took a deep breath. I found these little skirmishes exhausting.

I opened my eyes to see Alice, still and quiet, on the sofa looking at me. She took a deep breath, looked forlornly at Edward, who was still facing away, and then got up from the sofa and headed upstairs without a word.

* * *

><p>It only got worse from there. Jasper almost couldn't be the house anymore, which left Alice upset and torn between a family who missed her and a spouse who needed her.<p>

Esme moved through the family quietly, speaking only when spoken to, and not offering much of her thoughts even then. She rarely engaged anyone other than me, and even then, it was more often with touch than with words. I was reassured that she took comfort in my embrace, but was concerned that our lovemaking was often frantic and desperate, born out of pure need and a desire to relieve the tension ever present in our home and relationship. It was followed with long silences as we lay together, trapped in our own heads. Even with her arms wrapped around me, I found that I missed my wife.

Emmett and Rosalie were stubbornly pretending that nothing was wrong. They spent long days together, hunting, playing the woods, shopping and exploring our new surroundings. They appeared content and relaxed. I suspected it was a mask, and I found it irritating. For someone known for my patience and compassion, I found I was running low on both most days.

Edward was in the worst shape, though not in the way I expected.

I've had the misfortune to spend time with vampires who've lost their mates, and they generally exist as little more than a shell of their former selves. I recalled my old friend Marcus, one of the leaders of the Volturi, who lost his partner Didyme. Getting him to show interest in anything was a feat, and engaging him in conversation of any sort was a chore. When she was destroyed, his soul simply seemed to go along with hers. I guess I expected the same from Edward, but that was not the reality of it.

Edward was volatile. Some moments found him quiet and contemplative, almost content in reflection. It seemed as though he was fondly reminiscing, without a care in the world. In a flash, however, his anger would rise, provoked by almost nothing – an errant thought, a triggered memory, and he would lash out at whomever, or whatever had prompted the memory. And still other times, he would sink into what could only be described as a pool of pain – it wasn't depression, it was more than that. He would literally be drowning in his suffering. For me, his longtime father-figure and friend, these episodes were almost unbearable. He sought no relief, he accepted no comfort. He almost seemed to bask in his heartbreak. Edward was, simply put, a mess.

I knew I would have to address it, because it was both destructive to his mental health, and also to the family dynamic. No one could relax with Edward around, and everyone felt guilty at being relieved when he would leave the house. And if there was one thing this family did not need more of, it was guilt.

* * *

><p>As it turns out, Edward would be the one to initiate the conversation about his suffering. However, it didn't go as I had expected or wished.<p>

I asked Edward to go hunting with me. He had not been diligent in his hunting, and I was worried about him not feeding regularly enough. He was reluctant to go, but eventually I wore him down. I was glad I did – as we raced through the forest, I was well aware of his waning strength – I could easily keep pace with him, which was unusual. Once we brought down our kills, a herd of deer between us, we slowly made our way back home. It was mostly done in silence, which was not unusual with Edward, or anyone else, these days.

The southern ridge of the valley we were feeding in ran alongside a major highway, and we were moving along the ridge when Edward abruptly turned, paused, and stopped.

"Hold on, Carlisle," he said. "Alice and Jasper are just beyond the ridge. Alice wants us to wait for them."

I suspected I knew why.

Alice was fearful that the more Jasper alienated himself from the family, the more likely he would be to slip up and return to a more traditional diet. And yet, getting Jasper anywhere near the house was a challenge these days.

Edward and I glanced at each other meaningfully, _put your game face on!_, the look said.

"Excellent," I said aloud, so that both Alice and Jasper would know they were welcomed to join us.

After a moment passed, they emerged from a crop of trees along the edge of the ridge. They made a strange couple. Alice was in her designer apparel, perfectly coiffed, and dancing alongside Jasper gracefully. Jasper was a little rough around the edges. He came home to shower on occasion, but it had been a few days. His clothes told of time spent in the woods – there were mud stains around his ankles and on his elbows, and a few tears where a predator's claws had left a mark during the hunt. He didn't look bad, exactly. He just looked defeated. I found myself wishing he would talk through his pain with me, and let me share some of his burden. I knew he never would.

"Carlisle, Edward," Jasper began. "Good to see you all. Have a good hunt?"

"Sure," Edward replied for us. "Although we didn't see much besides deer. We did manage quite a few of those, though," he said with a smirk and a sideways glance at me. I smiled in return.

"Yeah, we went a little farther out," Jasper commented. "Another couple hundred miles, and we found some bear and elk. Not too bad."

"Plus, it's nice to stretch the legs, right?" Alice added. "It's really quite lovely up here."

I nodded, having forgotten that Alice and Jasper hadn't been with us the last time we lived in Ithaca.

"Yes, I always did like it here. It's very peaceful, and yet, not too removed from civilization. And I much prefer the snow to the rain," I added. Then I checked myself – would my mention of the rain bring up painful memories of Forks? I shot a glance at Edward to catch his reaction.

Edward gave a long blink, sighed, and looked down.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," I said. "I wasn't thinking."

"No, Carlisle, it's fine," he replied. "And," he said after a moment, "I too prefer the snow to rain, on most occasions, anyhow." He gave me a small smile. I could see the pain in it, but I could also see that he was trying to be positive.

I shot a look at Jasper. His face was drawn into a wince. I didn't know if he was feeling Edward's pain or his own, but he definitely looked uncomfortable. I felt terrible.

"Jasper, son," I began, "I'm so sorry. I really am. Please, let me help somehow."

"It's fine, Carlisle," he replied tersely. "It's nothing new, and I'm handling it. Don't worry about it." Even as he said it, though, you could see the hurt in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

Alice sighed. "Let's get back to the house," she said, encouraging us on. "This one here," gesturing to Jasper, "really needs a shower!" She was trying to lighten the mood. It worked, somewhat.

We walked in silence for a few minutes, moving closer to the road as we approached our community, though never within eyeshot of any cars that might be driving by. From the cars that passed, we could hear snippets of conversations, songs, and the occasional book on tape. Traffic was light, so it wasn't bothersome.

We'd just rounded the final bend before our house came into view, when we heard it. A car traveling alongside us was playing classical music. Debussy. I recognized it as Claire de Lune.

In the moment I pinpointed the gentle strains of the song, Jasper stumbled and collapsed, clutching his chest and heaving. Alice and I moved to him, not understanding what was wrong.

"Jasper!" she cried, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Jasper, what is it?" Alice was frantic. We were both kneeling before him now, hands on either shoulder, trying to support him.

"Son, please," I implored, "tell us what has happened. How can we ease your pain?"

Jasper raised his head slightly, and whispered, "Edward, oh god…"

I spun my head around, and looked to my other son. He was facing away, but from all appearances, he seemed alright. I got up from kneeling by Jasper, leaving Alice to soothe him, and tread lightly over towards Edward's still frame.

"Edward," I began softly, "son, speak to me. What is going on? Are you alright?"

He turned his head slowly. He looked at me for a long time without saying anything. His eyes revealed nothing. And then, in a flash, it was all there. The grief, the pain, the unendurable suffering flashed right before me in his eyes, and I could see what Jasper felt. Edward was consumed.

"Oh, Edward, son," I cried, pulling him to me and wrapping my arms around him. "Why didn't you say something? Let us help you, let us soothe you. Edward, you don't have to go through this alone! Please, son, please, talk to me!"

He fought my embrace for a moment, and then relinquished the tight control he had on his emotions with a heavy sob. I felt his arms come around my waste, and his head drop to my shoulder.

"I can't, Carlisle, I can't," he cried. "If I acknowledge it, it will consume me. It's already consuming me. I cannot fight this – it hurts so much. It hurts so much!" The agony in his voice was beyond measure.

"Oh, Edward, Edward," I tried to soothe. "I'm so sorry, so sorry! Tell me. Is there something I can do to make it better? Something to make it bearable? I want to help you, I would do anything to ease this for you, son." I was desperate to offer comfort to my first son and longtime friend.

He pulled away then, and stepped aside. As he moved, his eyes caught sight of Jasper, still hunched over on the ground with Alice kneeling by his side. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration, and breathed out a heavy, deep sigh.

"Jasper, brother," he said quietly. "I am so sorry. I am hurting you so very much. I wish I could turn it off, make it stop. Truly, I try." He paused, and said even more softly, "I just don't know how. I never expected it would be this hard."

"What happened, Edward?" Alice asked quietly. "What brought this on just now? You were doing okay until just a minute ago. What changed?" It was a good question, and I was curious to know the answer myself.

Edward turned away, from her, and me, and barely exhaled the word, "Debussy."

The song playing in the car. Claire du Lune.

I didn't understand.

"Edward," I asked gently, "What about it? What about Debussy? We want to help, to understand. Maybe we can help make things easier for you if we understood."

He replied quietly, almost as if he was in a trance. It took me a moment to understand that he was revisiting a memory – a good one. "It was playing in the car, the day I took Bella home from Biology. They day she was sick from… from blood-typing." He paused, "I was so surprised that she would recognize it and appreciate it – she always surprised me with her reaction to things," he finished softly.

He was silent another minute, as we all stood processing his words. "We had one of our first real conversations that day. Her scent was overwhelming in the car. It lingered for days." He was talking so low, it was as if he'd forgotten we were there. He was silent another minute and then he turned quickly to face the three of us.

"Carlisle," he said, decidedly, "you want to know how you can help, how you can make it better?" His look was piercing.

"Yes, Edward, son," I confirmed. "Tell me what you need to ease you through this troubled time. I will do my best to oblige you. I hate to see you suffering so, and I know it impacts others as well." I didn't call Jasper out directly, but the implication was obvious.

"I need your permission. I promised you, years ago," he paused, gathering his breath, and his courage, it seemed. "I promised you that I would never leave this family again." _Oh god, please Edward, no! _I thought, seeing immediately where this was going.

"I promised you and Esme that I would not abandon this family again, and I meant it, Carlisle, I did. I meant it with every fiber of my being. But, but how could I anticipate what has come to pass? How could I know this would happen? I couldn't!" he cried, gesturing with his hands as he begged me to understand.

"It's too much, Carlisle, too much," he continued. "Every day, I see, I hear the pain of everyone around me. Alice, Emmett, you," he choked on a sob. "I know how you are hurting. I see it in your eyes. And Esme, oh god, Carlisle," he was crying now, "Esme is consumed with grief, and I am responsible for that. It is my fault this family is broken into a million pieces, and I can't get out from underneath it. I miss Bella to the point I can barely breathe, and I feel so awful for bringing this pain to your doorstep, and I am slowly but surely killing poor Jasper here!" He was screaming now.

"Look at him, Carlisle," he hollered, waving in Jasper's direction. "Look at what I've done to him. What I do to him every day! It's not right. It's not fair to him, and honestly, it can't continue. I will break. He will break. And if he keeps channeling my feelings on the rest of you, you all will break too! Every one of us will crumble under the weight of this grief!"

He paused for a minute. I stood in horror awaiting the rest of his speech. I couldn't believe what he was asking of me.

"Let me go. Let me leave here. The memories are everywhere. Mine, yours, Alice's," again, he gestured in Alice's direction. "Do you have any idea how many memories Alice has with Bella? They did so much together, and I have it playing in my head all day long! It's too much, Carlisle, too much! And yet, I couldn't possibly ask Alice to forgo those good memories. That's," he stopped, choking on another sob, "that's all she has left. Those memories. They are so precious to her. To you. To Esme. I cannot ask you to give them up, but I cannot handle seeing them anymore. It's too much, Carlisle, too much!"

With that, my first son, my first companion flung himself to my feet. He was literally on his knees begging for me to free him of his commitment to this family. I didn't know what to do!

"Edward," I choked out. "Edward, I…" I stopped, still not knowing what to say. I put my hand on his head which was now leaning against my thigh, and silently cried with him.

Finally, I tried again. "Edward, I… do you know what it will do to your mother if you leave?" I was horrified at the idea that I would have to break this news to Esme. "She has lost a daughter, and now, you are asking her to give up a son! I don't think she can handle that, Edward," I was almost begging now. I did not want him to go. But I did not want him to suffer, either. I did not know what to do.

"Carlisle," he said tiredly, "she has already lost me. I'm here in body only. You know this. I know you do. She has four others who want and need her love and attention, but all I want now is peace, and I can't find it here."

I recognized the truth in what he was saying. I also recognized that it was incredibly selfish for me to ask him to stay, knowing the pain he was in. Knowing the pain he brought to others. But he was my son, and I did not want him to leave me again.

"Edward, son," I finally replied. "I will not hold you to us if you wish to leave. I want you to stay. But if you cannot stay, I want you to promise to keep us apprised of your location, your safety. We will not rest unless we know you are surviving wherever you are. Promise me, Edward. Promise me you will stay in touch with us, and that we will not lose you entirely." I was begging him, as I moved my hand from atop his head to the side of his face, cupping his cheek.

He looked up at me, eyes filled with pain, but also relief. "I promise, Carlisle. I promise. You will not lose me, and you will always be front and center in my heart. I promise," he finished with a whisper.

We stared at each other a long time. I hoped he saw the love I had for him, the sacrifice I was making for him reflected in my eyes. My heart was breaking again, and I wondered if he could see that too. _Be safe, my son_, I thought. _I love you, and will always pray for your safe return. You will always be welcomed in my home_, I told him silently.

"I know, Carlisle," he said aloud. "I love you, too. Thank you for releasing me. I am so very sorry for all that I have done, and left undone."

As he stood to embrace me, I found myself studying him. There was so much weight on his shoulders. I didn't know how he managed it. Perhaps that was the problem – he wasn't able to. I took in his face, his eyes, his beautiful features looking so boyish and broken, and said a small prayer for him as I took him into a final embrace. _Be safe, son, and know that I am always here for you_.

He squeezed me tightly, and then went to release me. Before he could, I had a parting thought for him, which I said aloud for emphasis, and also for Alice and Jasper's benefit should they ever decide to leave this family. "Edward, before you go, you must speak to your mother. Esme deserves to hear this from you. Promise me, you will show her the honor and courtesy of explaining yourself before you go?"

He looked down at the ground and nodded once. And with no further word, he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5  Research Bella

Chapter 3 – Research (Bella)

Since my visit to the reservation, things had been moving rather quickly.

Jake had some work commitments he couldn't get out of, so our plan to head to Seattle was delayed by a few days. In retrospect, this was probably a good thing. It gave me a little bit of time to process everything that was happening, and it also allowed me to lay the groundwork with Charlie for my departure.

Actually, that part came rather naturally. I was waking up several times a night with nightmares of the Cullens – it varied, but the reoccurring theme was that one or more of them was leaving me on the edge of a precipice, laughing as they walked away. Sometimes, they were even teasing me. I awoke in sobs, often with Charlie perched on the edge of the bed trying to comfort me. Sometimes, these nightmares resulted in a round of vomiting, which added to the credibility of my claim that I wasn't handling the breakup very well. I suspected that when Sue finally mentioned her friend in California, Charlie would be over the moon to get me out of the house.

During the day, I spent a great deal of time online, researching mythical vampire pregnancies. Because I remained behind my bedroom door most of the day, Charlie was convinced I was depressed. I didn't correct him.

My research was laughable. At least, I hoped it was. By most accounts, it was impossible for a vampire to have a baby. However, not everyone thought so, and by the power of the internet, I had more than enough superstitious tales at my fingertips. I found thousands of stories about vampires impregnating humans. They were all ridiculous. Most of them were very Bram Stoker-esque, and therefore, they automatically got placed in the least credible pile. My vampire didn't have fangs, and he didn't sleep in a coffin. My logic was that if we couldn't even start from a place of fact, the chances that we would end up there were slim.

Therefore, I had a rating system: the yellow notebook was research that hinged on some sliver of truth. The vampires described were fast, had red eyes, were cold to the touch, didn't sleep, and were strong. There were even a few that mentioned the reflective properties of their skin. The yellow notebook was where I put the knowledge I found from sources that might not be entirely crazy.

The black notebook was for the other crap I found out there. Most of it made no sense and wasn't very helpful, but I was looking for trends, so I wrote it all down.

I also had a red notebook – in essence, it was my own personal pregnancy log. I detailed what I experienced, when I experienced it. I had asked Jake to take a picture of my belly that day out at the reservation, and put it in the notebook with the marking 6wks (doctors estimate 11-12 wks). I described how I was feeling and any other observations I had, and wrote any comparisons that were relevant from the baby book I got at the library. Again, I was looking for trends.

The information going into the yellow notebook was minimal, but it was concerning. I kept coming across rumors of South American vampires who enjoyed using pregnancy as a tool to build their own armies out of their progeny. Aside from simply being cruel, these stories were unpleasant to read because the mothers always died. Apparently, the babies chewed and tore their way out of the womb. Lovely.

I also ran across accounts from Eskimos of a vampire who raised his half-human offspring and formed his own small coven. While there was no mention of the chewing of the womb, there was still the death of the mother mentioned in passing towards the end. Again, not great news.

It went on and on. Some stories were complete, but not detailed. Some were detailed, but not complete. But the overall picture I was getting was that I was personally in serious jeopardy, and that my pregnancy was not going to last very long.

Between the lack of sleep, the constant nausea, and the information I was getting, it was hard to remain positive.

I found myself anxious to get to Seattle to see if the big library over there would have any more news. I also found myself wondering where else to go for information. Jake had checked the Quileute legends, but there was no mention of my circumstance. And I didn't know if there was a vampire library somewhere around, but even if there was, it just seemed like a bad idea to walk in there alone as a human. Or with my best friend, their mortal enemy, the werewolf.

Sigh… If only I knew friendly vampires with hundreds of years of history at their disposal who would welcome me into their home with no qualms and try to assist me. _Oh, right._

* * *

><p>The day for our trip to Seattle had finally arrived, and Jake was driving my big red truck as I stared out the window in thought. Two new things had just happened, and I wasn't really handling either as gracefully as I could.<p>

The first was that my nightmares had morphed into horrors that involved babies bursting out of their mother's belly, much like the scene from _Alien_. While the emotional turmoil of the Cullens leaving in my dreams had been profound, the destruction of my body and life at the hands of my angry and violent fetus was actually more terrifying. Charlie found the bloodcurdling screams that woke us both every night pretty terrifying also.

The second was, in some ways, even worse. Almost overnight, it seemed I had developed a little baby bump. One day it was invisible, the next day it was there. It was small – I'm not sure anyone else would notice it – but I could tell. My abdomen felt hard and was just slightly bowed out from my hip bones. It scared the crap out of me. It also fascinated me. I couldn't stop touching it.

I was trying to reconcile the research and nightmares with the hard mass in my belly, and finding that it was difficult to do. Because really, even if every horrible thing I read was true, it was still my baby in there. Mine and Edward's. And despite how scared I was, I was already hopelessly in love with it.

I was pulled away from my thoughts by Jake attempting to engage me in conversation. We had nearly finished our four hour car ride, and I had managed to ignore him entirely for most of it. I really was a selfish person.

"You feelin' ok, Bells?" he asked in concern. "You've been pretty quiet over there."

I turned to look at him, and I was again overwhelmed by how kind and patient he was. I did not deserve it.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Just thinking…" my voice trailed off. I felt my hand move to my belly again, and sighed.

"What do you think we'll see today, Jake? Do you think they can tell if it's a boy or girl? I mean, do you think it will look normal?"

He gave me a reassuring smile as he nodded.

"Sure, sure, Bells. I mean, even if it is all vamped out, vampires still look like humans, right? It's not like you have the Loch Ness Monster in there or anything, right?" he said with a chuckle.

"True enough," I gave him a small smile in agreement. "I just… some of the research I found has me kind of freaking out. I mean, even the stuff that starts with the right facts is totally messed up, Jake. I've been having nightmares about it for days. And yet, sitting here, all I want is to know that he or she is ok, you know? I'm so confused. And overwhelmed. It's just so much to take in, you know?"

He nodded again, and took his hand from the wheel and grabbed mine which was resting on the seat next to him.

"Yeah, I know. I hear pregnancy is scary when it's not a half-vampire in there, so yeah, I totally get what you're saying, Bells. I just... I think we should just try to roll with it. I mean, we don't have enough information to really plan out anything, and stress probably isn't good for you or the baby, you know? I just think you should try to save the freaking out for when we have something to freak out about. 'Cause right now, it's all just a bunch of maybes, you know?"

He squeezed my hand, and then put it back on the seat, using his now free hand to steer the car down the exit ramp.

"How'd you get to be so smart, Jacob Black?" I asked with a smile.

"I hang out with this older chick. She's pretty cool, for being so old and matronly," he said with a smirk.

I swatted him across the shoulder, and he grinned in response.

We were quiet again for awhile, and I tried to take Jake's advice. No use worrying until I had something concrete. In the safety of the truck, that was easily managed. As we pulled into the parking lot behind a less than attractive emergency clinic in the not-so-nice part of town, I found myself silently chanting, _don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out_. It was becoming harder to take my own advice.

We entered the clinic and sat filling out paperwork. I borrowed Jake's sister Rebecca's ID and we were using her information. That way, any billing or follow-up information would go to Billy's house, not Charlie's. I didn't really look like Rebecca at all, but I sincerely doubted that anyone gave a second glance at the ID as I passed it over.

I noticed the irony of the harsh fluorescent lighting doing little more than accenting the dinginess of the office. It made me sad to think that my baby might become accustomed to places like this. Sneaking around meant that I would probably always find myself in subpar situations, even if I could afford better. Which currently, I really couldn't. And that was one thing that Jake couldn't help with - he and Billy had little more than I did in the way of financial resources.

I found myself chuckling as I imagined what Edward's reaction would be towards this treatment facility for either me or his child. He would be horrified. I could almost hear him place the imaginary phone call to Carlisle to plead with him to come home and see me at once, as he would not have _his_ Bella or _his_ child being cared for in these _deplorable _conditions. The scenario in my mind made me smile for a minute, but then, remembering where I was, and who I was with, the smile faded as reality returned.

I only had a minute to brood before I heard Rebecca Black being called. Jake nudged me to remind me to stand, and then stood as well to follow me back. I shot him a questioning glance.

"You're coming with me… back there?" I asked. I don't know why, but I hadn't expected that.

"Uh, hell yes, I'm coming back there with you," he replied. "We don't know who's back there, and I'm not leaving you alone in this place, Bella," he said pointedly. He started walking towards the nurse who had called my name. I paused another second and then followed them both. He was right.

Much like the week prior, I was weighed and measured, peed in a cup, and then given a small paper gown to change into. Jake was made to wait outside. I let him back in when I was done, and together we sat in silence waiting for what would come.

Billy had been right about sending us here.

The doctor barely glanced at me. My pregnancy wasn't of interest to him, and his cursory exam revealed that I was about sixteen weeks along, which was consistent with the progressive trend I had observed in my journal. I was pretty much at a double-pace for this pregnancy, if everything held firm. Instead of forty weeks, I anticipated twenty. Of which, I had already experienced eight. It was moving really fast.

Jake never left the room, but spent much of the appointment standing in the corner facing the wall. I didn't think he needed to be a part of my pelvic exam. Neither did he.

The doctor's only other comments were that my abdomen was exceptionally firm and that I was distended slightly beyond normal size. I thought this was interesting since I only noticed the bump a few days ago, but he said off-handedly, as though it would be of very little importance to me, that the baby's growth would begin to really pick up about this time. _Thanks, doc_.

He then stepped out to pull in the lab technician to perform the ultrasound as I changed back into my clothes. I left my jeans unbuttoned and rolled down, per his parting instructions. Jake stood facing the corner until I was done. The equipment looked dated, as did the technician. She showed no more interest in us than the doctor. I was relieved on the one hand, and yet again, saddened on the other. _I want the best for my baby, not this crappy walk-in clinic_, I found myself pouting silently.

Once again back on the table, I beckoned Jake over to join me. I knew he was curious, but more than that, I was suddenly so very scared. _What would we see?_ Jake grabbed my hand with one of his, and put his other hand on my head, gently rubbing my hair. His hand was big enough that it almost covered my whole head. I took in every ounce of comfort he was offering, clinging to him like a life buoy.

"Ok, hun, it's gonna be cold here in a sec," the technician said mechanically, as she prepped the ultrasound wand. She then held a bottle over my belly and squeezed. _Damn, that's cold!_ She was right about that one. I flinched, and Jake squeezed my hand. I looked up at him, and he offered me a small smile. He was nervous, too.

The technician flipped on the screen, which responded with a low hum. She placed the wand on the lower part of my belly and pressed firmly. Instantly, the screen came to life, but it wasn't what I was expecting. There were lots of shadows, and shades of grey, but there wasn't the definitive white outline of a fetus that the baby books described. I shot a glance at Jake in panic, but he didn't seem to realize anything was unusual.

"Hmm, that's strange," the technician said, with only the slightest of interest in her voice. "I'm definitely picking up the placenta here, and the amniotic sack here, but I can't get a good reading on the fetus within. Hmmm," she continued muttering as she drove the wand around my belly.

"Wait, what does that mean?" Jacob asked, his voice laced with concern. "I don't understand what you're saying. Is there something wrong?"

She looked up at us then, seemingly startled by our presence. It was like she just realized that we were actual people that she was interacting with.

"Oh, um, well, it's not necessarily a bad thing," she hedged, "just unusual. The size and shape of the uterus is within normal ranges, and the placenta appears to be attached and of a healthy size," she continued, "but I'm not able to see the baby within the amniotic sac, which is a bit unusual," she finished.

"How unusual?" Jake pushed. I was glad to have him here, doing the talking for us, because I was inwardly freaking out and not really participating verbally. I don't know what I expected, but I think deep down, I just assumed everything would be fine. Clearly, that was not the case, and I needed to work on catching up to reality.

"Well," the technician answered, while continuing to search with the wand on my belly, "I'll admit I've never seen anything quite like this before. It sometimes happens that an amniotic membrane is thicker or thinner than normal, but I've never seen one so thick that the ultrasound can't penetrate it. Hmmmm," she finished eloquently, still scooting around on my belly.

Jake and I exchanged glances. Whatever he saw in my face must have worried him, because he leaned forward, kissed my forehead, and said softly, "It's ok, Bella. It's going to be ok."

His gentle words let loose something in me, and without even really realizing it, I found tears streaming down my face. _Something was wrong. Something was wrong with my baby!_

"No, no, Bella," Jake spoke hastily in a low voice, just a few inches from my face, "we don't know that anything is wrong. We don't know that!" His words made me realize I had spoken my last thoughts aloud.

He squeezed my hand, and continued, "Come on, now, Bells. We knew there was a chance things might be," he paused, glancing up at the technician, whose eyes were fixated on the screen, still in search of my baby, "different. It would foolish to think otherwise. But she said all the other stuff looked great, so we need to focus on that. Focus on the good news, Bella, and we can let Emily help us figure out the rest, ok?"

I nodded, but my heart wasn't in it. Tears continued to track down my cheeks, and finalized I verbalized my newest concern.

"Are we sure he's even in there, Jake? I mean, if we can't see him, how do we know he's alive, he's ok? I need to know that he's ok," I was now sobbing, and squeezing Jake's hand so hard that if he wasn't a werewolf, it probably would have really hurt him.

Jake lifted his eyes to the technician.

"Excuse me," he said. She turned to face us, again, seemingly surprised we were engaging her. "Can you tell with that thing," Jake waved towards the wand still in her hand on my abdomen, "if the baby is moving? Can you see any sign of a heartbeat, even if you can't actually see the heartbeat? We're uh, we're kind of freaking out over here."

"Oh, of course dear," she exclaimed quietly. "How silly of me."

She flipped a switch on the monitor, and then we heard it, _thump – thump- thump- thump_, over and over again. It sounded fast. And strong.

"Is that," I started, but couldn't bring myself to finish the thought, for fear I was wrong.

"Yes, sweetie," the technician actually smiled at me as she replied. "That's the little one's heartbeat. It's nice and strong."

I gave a short laugh, trying to memorize the amazing sound I was hearing. I was still crying, but now I was crying with a big smile on my face. I glanced at Jake, only to see a big smile on his face as well.

"Listen, Jake," I said through my sobs, "it's his heartbeat. He has a heartbeat!" I almost couldn't believe it.

"I know, Bells, I know. I hear it," he replied. "It sounds fucking amazing!"

"Hmmm," the technician interjected. I didn't like the sound of that.

"What?" Jake asked for me. "What do you see?"

She glanced up at us, and then back to the monitor. "It looks like the heartbeat is a little erratic. That's unusual."

She must have seen the panic on my face, because she was quick to clarify, "It doesn't mean anything is wrong, necessarily. It's just not quite the normal pattern. Hmmm," she murmured again while moving the wand around some more, "it might just be an echo from the amniotic sac. Like I said, I've never really seen one this thick before."

Her words weren't exactly comforting, but I decided that I was going to take my earlier advice and _not freak out_. She had reached the depth of her knowledge, and I knew we were done here. We had learned that my baby had an erratic heartbeat and a thick amniotic sac, and was growing at about twice the normal rate. Otherwise, things appeared healthy. That was about all I could hope for, all things considered.

"Can you, I don't know, print out a picture or something?" I asked. I seemed to remember that it was standard to have an ultrasound picture up on the refrigerator. Although we certainly would not be doing that at Charlie's. Still, I wanted some proof that this was happening, and I wanted this documented in my red notebook.

She gave me a long look, and then smiled. "I'm happy to print you a couple of pictures, even if they don't show much," she said, pushing fiddling with the computer to begin the process. "But since you can't really see much, I have a better idea," she said.

She glanced around furtively, and then asked, "Do you have $10.00?"

"Um, yes," I replied with a question in my voice. Was she going to make me pay for my pictures?

"Well, um, I can download the video of this onto a flash drive for you, and you can take it with you to hear the heartbeat since you can't really see anything with the pictures," she explained.

"The only thing is, we can't just give away flash drives. My boss will notice and I'll get in trouble. But if you wanted to buy a flash drive from us, I could then replace the one you take today. I mean, only if you want to," she finished in a hurry, as though she thought we would be upset about her offer.

"Yes, absolutely!" I all but yelled at her. "Please, that would be amazing! Thank you!"

She gave me a soft laugh. "Ok, I'll be right back," she said.

While she was gone, I had Jake rummage through my purse for the money. I still had blue goop on my belly, so I wasn't going anywhere just yet. Once she came back, we made the sale, cleaned me up, and Jake and I nodded along politely as the technician instructed me to see a specialist and gave me some pamphlets on what to eat and things to avoid.

Finally, we were out of there, and I left with tangible proof in the form of two ultrasound pictures and a video on a flash drive that I was going to be a mommy. It was pretty exciting.

As we walked back to the car, I felt myself getting a little giddy. I grabbed Jacob by his arm, and wrapped my arm around his so we were linked at the elbows. I pushed him playfully with my body - he humored me by pretending to stumble. We both giggled a little at the absurdity of it all.

"Thank you for coming with me, Jake. I would have been a mess in there without you," I said gratefully.

"Sure thing, Bells. Glad to do it. It was pretty cool, actually. And one day, after this all works out, I'm gonna be able to tell that little guy or girl in there that I saw them first. You and me, we were the first to see them and to know for sure that they were real. That's pretty awesome if you ask me," Jake said enthusiastically.

It was pretty awesome.

But it also made me think about who wasn't with me today. Edward should have been there. Edward should have been holding my hand and stroking my hair. Edward should have been soothing my nerves and cheering me up. And Carlisle should have been the one with the wand, eager to study this unexpected phenomenon and also to see his grandchild. That's how it should have happened.

I sighed. I wasn't feeling playful anymore. I was feeling tired. And sad. Both for me and my baby, who would never experience the amazing life of the Cullen family, but also for the Cullens - all of them. They were missing something so amazing, and even if I didn't have them, at least I had the opportunity to be a part of this miracle. I found that I felt sorry for Edward and his family. They would live an eternity and never experience something this extraordinary, and they could have. Should have, even.

I hoped they were happy wherever they were.

* * *

><p>The library in Seattle had a surprisingly large collection of vampire reading in their Mythology section. Jake and I were there for over three hours, just skimming book after book, looking for information. Most of what we found could be tossed in the black notebook without much investigation, but there were a couple of accounts that we made copies of to take home and review in more detail. While the news wasn't good, it was beginning to become consistent.<p>

Frustrated and tired, Jake and I stopped for lunch. We grabbed fast food and then pulled the truck over along a scenic overlook. It was actually a pretty nice day for mid-November, and so we flipped the tailgate on the truck and sat in the back, eating our lunch, watching the water, and processing everything we've learned.

"It would seem that we know approximately when the baby is going to come, assuming there are no accidents or issues," Jake began. "That's the good news. We have a date we can plan around."

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so, but by all accounts, the birth of the baby is going to kill me, so it feels like a ticking time bomb in some respects," I commented. "I mean, I don't mean to be morbid, but I find myself wondering if I'll ever even get to meet him or her," I finished.

"You will," Jake said softly. "I know you will."

"I hope so, Jake, I really do," I replied.

We were both silent for a few minutes, still working through our thoughts.

"You always call the baby a boy," he commented after a few minutes. "Any particular reason for that?"

I thought about it for a minute. I hadn't even realized I was doing that.

"No, I don't think so. I mean, I guess in my head it's a boy. When I picture him, he looks exactly like Edward, but in miniature. But that's not because I care about it being a boy or girl, I don't think. It's more... well, it's more because I keep thinking of this as _Edward's_ baby, so of course, in my head, he looks like Edward." I was rambling.

"I know that doesn't make any sense. I just, well, I don't want to call him an 'it'. This baby is already unusual enough being half-vampire - calling him an 'it' makes it feel that much more _inhuman_, if you know what I mean?"

Jake nodded. "Sure, sure. Makes total sense." He paused. "The pamphlet that the ultrasound lady gave us said that you uh, you might start feeling him, uh move or kick or something around now. Has, uh, has that happened yet?"

I looked at him in surprise. I read something similiar in my baby book, so the information wasn't new, but I was surprised by Jake's interest, and how he seemed embarassed to ask me about it. Huh.

"No, Jake," I replied. "I know to expect it any time, but I haven't felt anything unusual yet. If my response to hearing the baby's heartbeat is any indication, I will most likely have a meltdown when I finally feel him move, and you will be getting a phone call to come pick me up off the floor, so you can be sure I'll keep you posted," I said with a small chuckle.

He chuckled too, nodding his head. "Fair enough. Happy to scrape you up off the floor, Bells. Anytime," he said with a smile.

"Just out of curiosity," I asked, "why were you so embarassed to ask me that? It's a fair question. It's not like you wanted to hear about my hemorrhoids or anything," I said with a laugh.

Jake turned bright red, while pinching his eyes shut and shaking his head. I laughed harder.

"Jeez, Bella," he finally replied with a chuckle and a grimace. "Gross!" He paused, formulating his answer. "I wasn't sure if it was too personal to ask about the baby that way. I mean, I'm not really sure where the boundaries are with this whole thing. I mean, we've already crossed well over my comfort zone," he said with a smirk, "but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to pry. It's really none of my business, but, I mean, I just..." Jake stuttered, "I don't know, I'm curious, and I like knowing what's going on."

Jake was bright red now, and definitely not making eye contact. In fact, he was ripping his poor french fry apart inch by inch.

He was so sweet.

"Jake," I began as I placed my hand on his arm to encourage him to stop shredding the french fry, "I hate to break it to you, but things are going to get a whole lot more awkward from here." His eyes shot up to meet mine, and he looked at me quizzically.

"Think about it," I continued, "in the next twelve weeks, I"m going to feel my vampire baby move, swell up like a house, continue to vomit and probably have all sort of other side effects we don't know about yet, lie to my father, end up living at some shack down by First Beach hiding out from Charlie, and then, at some point, we're going to have to figure out how to get this baby out of me, preferably before it breaks me in half and/or chews its way out of me, and whether I survive that or not, there's bound to be a fair amount of bodily fluids and invasion of my personal space, all of which I'm counting on you to be there for. Oh, and there will be a baby. I don't know if vampire babies pee, poop, breastfeed and/or vomit, but I'm guessing there will be some of that involved as well."

Jakes face blanched. He looked like he might pass out.

"So while I really appreciate your interest in protecting my privacy," I finished my little rant, "I think we've both got to get over it. I think the boundaries went out the door when I told you I lost my virginity to my vampire boyfriend and then got pregnant, and you exploded into a wolf in response. Ok?"

I looked at him casually, like I hadn't just blown his mind. It took him a minute to gather himself.

"Uh, ok. I mean, yeah, right, of course." Jake was still working out the mental images I had given him. I suspected he would begin having his own nightmares tonight.

"So, that being said," I asked, "do you have any more questions for me right now?" I smiled innocently at him.

I should have known better. Jake recovered quickly.

"Just one, Bells," he paused, and then broke out into a huge grin as he asked, "do you really have hemorrhoids?"

* * *

><p>The ride home was quiet.<p>

After awhile, I pulled out my yellow notebook and started to read and record the relevant information we copied at the library. Jake watched me from the corner of his eye as he drove.

"Bells?" he asked thoughtfully.

"Hmm?" I didn't look up from my notes.

"I was thinking about all of your notes and stuff, and well, it all seems like total crap information, you know? I mean, if I turned in a term paper where ninety percent of my data came from barely acknowledged internet sources, I'm pretty sure I'd fail. Even these books here," he said, gesturing with one hand to the copies in my lap, "are more fiction than anything else, really."

I huffed.

"While I don't disagree with your logic, Jacob," I reponded with a slight edge to my voice, "I don't know what you'd have me do. I mean, it's not like I can just call up the AMA and ask for their standard vampire-human birthing procedure. I don't know what else to do, so I'm just trying to be as thorough as possible. I'm open to other suggestions if you have any."

I looked at him expectantly. His eyes stayed on the road, and he didn't reply.

Not thinking he was going to respond, I lowered my head, and continued with my notes. That is, until I heard him take in a deep breath.

"Well," he started, sounding unsure, "I just wonder if maybe we're going about this wrong. I mean, maybe instead of checking human sources for this stuff, we should try..." Jake took a long pause before continuing, "vampire sources," he finished quietly.

I looked up at him, and stared at him. "Are you telling me that you know of a vampire resource, Jacob?" I was testy and rude, but I was also tired and frustrated, hormonal, and really needed to pee. I also wasn't entirely kidding about the hemorrhoids. The joys of pregnancy.

"Because if you do, I'd really like to hear about it. In fact, I'd really like to have heard about it a week ago, Jacob!"

Yes, I was being a bitch.

He ran his hand over his face, a sign he was trying not to yell at me. I deserved it, but I couldn't seem to help myself.

Finally, he pulled his hand away, and said something so obvious that I felt like a fool.

"What about the Cullens, Bella? They left overnight - there is no way they could pack up the whole house in one night. Don't you think that the fancy Doc has a few books in his collection? Maybe one of those would shed some light on this mess we're in." He was exasperated with me, and yet, I could tell, he was also nervous about my reaction.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

I was such an idiot.

Carlisle's study flashed before my eyes. Two of the four walls were completely covered in bookshelves. I never really paid attention to the content of those books.

I almost wanted to cry. It was such a simple idea.

We wouldn't even have to break in - I still had the front door key on my keychain!


	6. Chapter 6 Research Carlisle

Chapter 6 – Research (Carlisle)

Things had been quiet since Edward's departure.

Esme had handled Edward's news with far more grace and kindness than anyone should ever have to demonstrate during such a time. She loved him, recognized his agony, and, as only a mother can, was willing to do anything to ease his burden, including letting him go.

Her quiet strength left me breathless.

Once he was out of range, however, the damn burst, and my lovely bride was sidelined with her own grief for days. She had lost two of her children, and not just any two. She lost the two who indulged in her mothering the most. Being younger and emotionally hampered, Bella and Edward openly sought the comfort that Esme offered. The others respected Esme and as such, humored her maternal nature, but they did not crave her attentions the way Edward and Bella both did.

Bella opened up to Esme's gentle affection in a way that was hard for her to do with others after years of neglect by Renee and the lack of understanding exhibited by Charlie. Edward's volatile emotions could rarely be soothed by anyone other than myself and later Bella, but Esme held a special power over him. He loathed to upset her.

Watching her suffer was unbearable, and I found myself repeatedly seeking a way out of this dark time in our family. I simply didn't know how to proceed. My most likely confidants were both absent – Edward in body, and Esme in spirit. Left to my own devices, I felt the quagmire threatening to pull me under. I never realized how dependent I had become on my family until I watched them slip away from me.

Another week found Rosalie and Emmett flickering in and out of the house, and Ithaca, with regularity. They were employing the time-tested theory of distraction to keep them from dwelling on all that had happened. Though she struggled to hide it, I knew Rosalie was concerned for our family unit. She prized her connection to the family more than she would ever admit openly.

Emmett – well, Emmett really liked to be happy. Emmett was uncomfortable with life's unpleasantries, so Emmett was striving to find his happiness by keeping Rosalie distracted, and by turning a blind eye to the daily activities and emotions of our home.

I didn't blame them. It seemed to be working for them.

Jasper and Alice seemed to be holding steady in managing their emotions. At least, this is what I perceived from my study of them.

They were around the house more, and Jasper seemed to have better control now that he wasn't wrestling with Edward's overwhelming despair. Alice seemed distracted, but not beyond reason. I thought things were looking up for them.

* * *

><p>Nearly ten days after he left, Edward called to check in. He didn't have much to report, and was in no mood to linger on the phone.<p>

"I've landed in Brazil, Carlisle," he informed me merely moments into our call. "I mean to stay here awhile."

"That's an interested choice, Edward," I commented, craving more information but not wanting to push too hard. "What made you decide on Brazil?"

There was a long pause.

"I've been looking for somewhere quiet. Somewhere where I can escape from everyone's thoughts. I just cannot manage everyone else's thoughts on top of my own, Carlisle. I am haunted enough. I needed to be somewhere quiet," Edward spoke quietly, but firmly.

"And you have found that place, son?" I asked.

"I think so. I'm out in the rainforest, near a waterfall. The noise from the falls helps to block out wandering minds. Not that many wander this far. And I find the water soothing. It's very remote, but I've been here a few days, and I intend to stay awhile," he replied.

"I would imagine that there is ample opportunity to hunt, then, being as remote as it sounds," I stated, but it was really more of a question. I wanted to make sure that Edward was taking proper care of himself.

"Uh, yes, Carlisle, there should be plenty of opportunity to feed, I'm sure," Edward sounded distracted, distant. I had my answer.

"Edward, son, when was the last time you hunted?" I asked.

I could hear him take a deep breath and blow it out forcefully. "It's been awhile, Carlisle. I just haven't had it in me." He sounded worn, and a touch defensive.

"I know, son, truly, I do," I replied. I was feeling pretty worn down also. "But you promised you would care for yourself. It's imperative that you uphold your end of the bargain, Edward. Your mother and I worry enough as it is," I finished. It was a low blow, but he was not behaving responsibly.

Another sigh, this one given in exasperation. "Fine, Carlisle, I will go tonight," he replied in mild distain.

"Edward?" I needed confirmation.

"I will, I promise. I will take care of myself," he answered, knowing what I needed to hear.

"Thank you, son," I said in relief. "I know you are struggling, but it will only be harder to carry on if you are physically weakened. I speak from experience on this, Edward." I remembered with clarity those early days after my transformation, not being able to make sense of what was happening to me, and the despair that only lifted once I finally found an animal I could feed upon.

"I know, Carlisle, I know," he replied. There was a pause. "How are things there?" he asked hesitantly.

I took in another long breath, and searched for the positive spin on our reality.

"Emmett and Rosalie are doing an admirable job of exploring the area. Rosalie has found the shopping in Manhattan to be up to her standards, which is a relief for us all," I said with a light chuckle. "Alice and Jasper are home more often, which brings comfort to your mother, and while I wouldn't say they are thriving, they do seem to be holding their own," I added.

"Good," Edward replied, with relief in his voice. Then, with a note of trepidation, he asked, "And Esme?"

I sighed.

"She's holding on, Edward, she's holding on." That was as much as I could offer.

It was his turn to sigh.

"And you, Carlisle?" he asked softly. "I know this has taken its toll on you as well, though you do an admirable job of masking your distress."

I felt overwhelmed at his statement. With a rush, so many emotions hit me, that it nearly caused me to drop the phone. Instead, I lowered myself onto the armchair next to me, and rested my head in my hands, even as one hand continued to hold the phone to my ear.

Before me flashed a beaming Bella, waving at me from her ridiculous truck. Esme dancing with me in the kitchen the night of Bella's eighteenth birthday, followed by Esme now, curled up on the bed upstairs and staring blankly out the window. I saw Edward's eyes the night I released him from the family – the pain and agony. And I saw Jasper curled in a ball of misery at my feet. Feeling every inch of how far we'd fallen in that single moment took my breath and my speech away. I didn't know how to answer. I wasn't sure I could.

"Carlisle?" Edward asked again, "are you still there?"

I cleared my throat. "Yes, I'm still here," I said brokenly. I paused again, trying to collect myself.

"I'm hurting, Edward," I finally replied, "the same as you are. I am truly overwhelmed by the level of suffering we've all been through, and cannot see my way through to a peaceful outcome for us. My heart aches for Bella, and for you, and it struggles with watching my mate agonize as she does. I don't know how to bring us out of this misery, but I strive every day to find a way."

Edward was quiet. Finally, he breathed, "Oh, Carlisle, I am so very sorry."

"There is nothing to apologize for, son," I replied. "I just miss our girl, and am overwhelmed at how one little human girl can topple a family of vampires as steady and strong as ours. And yet," I found myself whispering so that I would not let out a cry, "even knowing the power she holds over us, I would give anything to have her back with us again. My arms ache for her just as yours do, just as Esme's do. I cannot fault her for our rejection, for she is right to be fearful. It's simply that I took great comfort in knowing that we were worthy of her affection. Losing that affection has been unexpectedly difficult. For all of us, I know."

Again, I was met with silence for awhile. I felt my heart ache for my son so far away, who could not accept any comfort for his grief, even as he offered me the opportunity to share my own.

Finally, I heard a very weak and broken, "I think I should go, Carlisle."

I nodded for a moment before realizing that Edward could not see my compliance.

"Very well, son," I replied softly. "Thank you for checking in, and asking after us. I hope it won't be too long before I have the pleasure to speak with you again."

"Of course. I will call again soon. Goodbye, Carlisle," he said with a soft finality.

"Goodbye, Edward," I answered in turn.

The phone clicked and I pulled it away from my ear, staring at it for a moment. My despair hung heavy in the air.

* * *

><p>That night, after Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett set off for a hunt, I drew in a deep breath and made my way upstairs to check in on my wife.<p>

She was seated in the window, with her knees pulled up to her chest, and arms wrapped securely around her legs. Her eyes were on the tree line outside the window. I wondered if she was actually seeing anything, or just lost in her own reflections.

I cleared my throat in the doorway, and her eyes darted over in my direction before returning to her view. "May I come in, my dear?" I inquired gently.

"Of course, darling," she said softly, without turning her head. "It is, after all, your room as well." Her words were not meant to be cruel, and yet the forced casualness stung. I did not want my wife to humor me.

I crossed over the room, and sat on the windowsill beside her feet. I spent a moment on them. She had such dainty toes. Her nails were painted a bring pink – it seemed too cheery for the tone of the house these days. Not being able to resist, my hand reached for her foot, and meeting no resistance, I gently pulled one foot, and then the other, onto my lap. My hands began to massage small circles on her feet, ankles and calves. She leaned back against the sill, watching my hands work, still saying nothing.

For a few minutes we were both silent, both watching my hands work on her little feet. The air felt heavy between us.

"You spoke to Edward today," she finally said quietly. It wasn't a question, as she could hear every word spoken from her bedroom. I nodded in confirmation.

"Do you think," she asked quietly, while moving her head to stare back out the window, "that he'll ever come home again? That we'll ever be as we were before?" Her voice wobbled with emotion.

I found myself staring out the window as well, hesitant to respond. Finally, I offered the best I could under the circumstances. "I don't know, Esme, I really don't."

She nodded, and drew her bottom lip in between her teeth. It was a move reminiscent of Bella, and made me smile, then frown. _Bella certainly did leave her mark upon us all, _I thought.

"I am not sure we can ever be what we were, love," I continued softly. "I think that time has passed for us." It was the truth of things, as much as it pained me to acknowledge it. "I hope with some time, and healing, we can build ourselves back up into a new version of ourselves, of our family, but I am quite certain it will never be the same as before."

She nodded, still not making eye contact.

"As for Edward, I think he must spend some time coming to grips with everything that has happened. If he is able to do that, able to process it, then yes, I am hopeful he will return," I said encouragingly, giving her foot a little extra squeeze in reassurance. "He loves us all very much. Especially you. He would hate to know how you are grieving him."

She turned to look at me then. Her eyes flashed with fury, but it was quickly contained, and in its place I only saw sadness.

"It's not just Edward I am grieving for, Carlisle. You know that," she said simply. There was no accusation in her words, but I felt accused all the same. It had been my decision that removed us from Forks.

"I do," I acknowledged softly, as my hands made their way up and down her calves with gently caresses. There seemed to be nothing more to say.

We were silent for a good bit longer, and then she offered softly, "He loves you very much as well, Carlisle. I hope you know that."

I nodded, not making eye contact.

More silence.

Then, so very softly, my wife asked me, "Do you think," she paused, gathering her courage, "do you think that Bella ever really loved us the way we loved her?"

My eyes flew to her face, and the misery and longing I saw there was too much. Without another thought, I swept her into my embrace, and wrapped my whole being around her. We were a tangled mess of limbs, me still seated on the window sill, and my wife perched firmly on my lap. I could feel silent sobs emanating from her, and I pulled her face up from my chest with both hands.

Forcing eye contact with my grieving wife, I declared forcefully, "Yes, Esme, I do. I absolutely do. Please don't ever doubt that! Please. I know it feels as though she is lost to us, but try to remember those moments we had with her. Her grateful smiles, soft teasing, endless questions, gently touches, silly playfulness, unwavering determination, and the fierce devotion she always exhibited. She was our girl, Esme, through and through. I know her heart was true to us. I believe it. I cannot think otherwise. Please, don't doubt our girl. She may be human, but I am convinced her ability to love rivaled ours, and she loved us. I know she did."

I was speaking forcefully for Esme's benefit, but also my own. I needed to believe that Bella loved us as we loved her. With everything else so uncertain, I found myself clinging to the idea that we were worthy of that love.

Esme searched my face, and then offered me a small smile. It warmed me from the inside. She took one of my hands from her face, and offered me a kiss on the inside of my palm.

"I believe you, Carlisle," she said softly. "I do. I promise, I do."

I nodded, and then pulled her back to my chest. I just needed her close to me.

* * *

><p>I attempted more of these small moments with Esme in the days that followed, trying to draw her out of her time alone. She was receptive to visitors, but made no effort to leave her room. I was increasingly worried about her.<p>

Another few days passed, and I found myself needing a hunt. The emotional strain on the family took a great deal of energy from us all, and regular hunting was paramount to assure that we could handle that strain. I asked Esme to join me, but she was uninterested. I wanted to nag her into submission, but felt that it was in my best interests to let her come to me. I would go alone.

As I made my way though the clearing that framed our back yard, I saw Alice and Jasper emerge from the trees. I greeted them, and invited them along.

"Thank you, Carlisle," Jasper answered, "but we have just finished," he said.

He then shot Alice a glance, and she gave him a subtle nod.

"Carlisle," Jasper began again, hesitantly, "there is somethin' that Alice and I would like to discuss with you, if you have a minute?" He looked uncertain. "We could surely wait until you're done hunting if you prefer," he added, trailing off at the end.

They both looked concerned, but determined. I figured it would weigh on my mind during my hunt, so it was best to identify what was going on immediately.

"Of course, Jasper," I replied, and then looked to Alice, "Alice. I would be happy to entertain whatever is on your mind. Go ahead," I waived him on.

They exchanged glances. Alice began speaking then.

"I've been giving some thought to our time in Phoenix…" she paused, and then continued, "and the information that James shared about knowing me, knowing my past."

I was surprised by her words. Immediately, I admonished myself for being so thoughtless. We had been so caught up in Edward and Bella's dramatics that we hadn't paid proper attention to that which was important to Alice.

"Alice," I began, my voice laced with regret, "I apologize. I'm afraid we got distracted. Of course, you would be concerned about the information James inadvertently handed over. I am sorry that we haven't had the opportunity to discuss it earlier."

I hoped she could see my sincerity. I hated that we had neglected her.

"No, no," Alice corrected me, "there is no need for apologies, Carlisle! Like you, I have been otherwise focused since then as well. It hadn't really occurred to me until recently. We've just, well, we've just had so much time on our hands that my mind has begun to wander." She looked at me apologetically.

"Well, that certainly makes sense, Alice. Of course you would want to know about your past. We all have the need to connect with our roots," I stated encouragingly. I wasn't sure where she was headed with this.

"Yes, well, that's the thing, Carlisle," Alice said hesitantly. "I'd like to do a little research on who I am. I mean, who I was, back before I became a vampire. I think I'd like to know where I came from."

Again, I nodded. It made perfect sense to me.

Jasper spoke up then, after exchanging another glance with Alice. "The thing is, Carlisle, we've been talkin' about it, and we've decided that maybe Alice should do her research, ah, in person. We think it would be good for her to learn about it all first-hand."

It took me a minute to figure out what he was saying.

Oh.

They were going to leave.

_Oh, Esme! She would be heartbroken once again._

With a heavy heart, I took an appraising look at them both.

"You are leaving, aren't you?" I asked. They both nodded solemnly.

"When?"

"We were hoping to leave without delay," Jasper confirmed. "Alice is anxious to get started, and foresees a rainy winter down in Mississippi. We'd like to take advantage of that."

I nodded sadly, looking down and away.

"And am I correct in my presumption that you'll be going with her, Jasper?" I said it as a question, although I already knew the answer.

He nodded. "Yes, I think that would be best. We rely on each other as you know, but also," he paused and took a deep breath, "it's still rather hard to be in the house, Carlisle." His last sentence hit with the force of a brick. I thought he had been doing better. My heart ached for him.

Even as I felt my guilt and remorse bloom, I saw Jasper wince. Immediately, I began apologizing.

"Jasper, oh Jasper," I said hurriedly with remorse laced through my words, "I didn't realize. I am so sorry. I thought things were improving. Things seemed to be improving, son!"

He smiled sadly at me, with the hint of a wince still on his face. "I know, Carlisle, I know. It's not your fault, or anyone else's. It's entirely my own. My weakness caused the incident with Bella, resulting in our separation from her. Even without Edward's overwhelming grief, anger, guilt and general state of despair, I am consumed with my own guilt. I punish myself every day for not being strong enough to resist the draw of Bella's blood, and my guilt, combined with everything else is just too much to bear, Carlisle." He stopped to pull in a breath.

"Do you know that Alice misses Bella and Edward every second of every day? They were her best friends, and they are gone. She also feels guilty for not being able to see, and therefore prevent, the incident on Bella's birthday," Jasper explained.

"Alice," I scolded, as I turned to face her, "you must know that what happened isn't your fault. It was an accident, pure and simple!"

She smiled sadly at me. "My brain understands what you are saying, Carlisle, but my heart, well, it just feels like I've let the family down. It's my job to prevent this kind of thing from happening. And now," she choked out, "and now I can't see her at all. I can't help her at all. I'm so sorry for letting you down, Carlisle! For letting everyone down!" she finished with a great sob.

I moved to take my littlest daughter into my arms. She embraced me fiercely, and I found myself wondering why we didn't hug more often. Alice gave excellent hugs. I gave her soft kiss on the forehead and whispered over and over, _it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault_. She clung to me and nodded, clearly needing my absolution.

Jasper continued his explanation as I soothed Alice.

"I'm sure you know the Esme is beside herself with grief and guilt as well. What you may not know, Carlisle, is that Esme is also extremely angry. I'm not even sure she recognizes how furious she is. I would never normally betray her confidence by sharing her feelings, but I think you need to be prepared. When she can avoid her anger no longer, I suspect it will be a difficult force to control. She's nearing an explosion, Carlisle. I just thought you should know."

I pondered his words for a minute. I understood the guilt and grief, but I struggled with the anger. I wasn't sure what the root cause for it was. _Poor Esme_, I found myself thinking.

"And you," Jasper waved in my direction, "you are also trying to suppress a good deal of guilt and grief, Carlisle. It's rather intense from where I'm standing," Jasper commented.

I nodded, and then placed another brief kiss to Alice's forehead. I didn't want to let her go, knowing that it might be some time before I held her again.

"I know," I said softly. "I've been trying to manage it, but it would seem I'm not doing as well as I thought," I said wryly.

Jasper smirked. "You get points for trying, Carlisle. I do appreciate the effort. Perhaps with me gone," he continued more seriously, "you and Esme can both take some time to process your feelings, rather than mask them. I feel as though it's the only way to move forward at this point."

I took in his words and couldn't fault his logic. We certainly were making no progress towards a resolution with our current approach.

"Thank you, Jasper, for sharing your thoughts with me. I will need to reflect on that some before I can determine the best way to proceed, but I do appreciate your trust in me, all the same," I offered seriously. "I hope you find a measure of peace in your journey."

Jasper nodded, and Alice pulled herself from my embrace, and lithely moved into his. With a small waiver in her voice, Alice interjected, "we will go speak to Esme, and we won't leave until we're sure she's alright. You should go hunting. She will need your strength when you return."

I nodded. I approached them both once more, and gave them each a final kiss on the forehead in parting.

As I moved past them, I had a final thought for Jasper.

"Jasper, son, I want you to know that it wasn't your fault either, what happened with Bella. I hope you can feel my sincerity son, because I speak only the truth. Accidents happen, and there is simply not always a rhyme or reason to the course of things. This is one of those times. I hope you find that truth within yourself. Please know, you will both always be welcomed into my home, and I hope you find your way back here without delay."

Not expecting a reply, I continued on into the woods. My family was fracturing, and I hadn't a clue how to stop the steady decline that seemed inevitable.


	7. Chapter 7 Planning for the Future Bella

Chapter 7 – Planning for the Future (Bella)

As the truck pulled down the long winding driveway that led to the Cullen's home, I found myself wondering somewhat bitterly, _will this day ever end?_

I was exhausted.

The day had been long and busy, and every time I thought the worst was past, another hurdle would be raised in front of us. Though it really didn't seem as though it could get worse than revisiting my past at the home of my former would-be family. The only good news was that I was so physically and emotionally drained that I didn't even have the energy to freak out at what we were doing.

Jake pulled the truck to a stop right by the front door, but neither of us made a move to get out. The house looked unwelcoming, as I'm sure it was intended to. The Cullens had industrial steel storm shutters drawn over all of the windows, and even in just the few weeks they had been gone, the yard looked overgrown and uncared for. _Esme would be beside herself,_ I found myself thinking sadly.

Jake cleared his throat. I turned to look at him. He had a strange expression on his face.

'What?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Nothin', Bells. It's all good. So, are we doing this thing?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Jake," I said disbelievingly.

He grinned, and then said sheepishly, "It's really nothing, I promise. It just, ah, well, it stinks around here. We haven't even gotten out of the car, and I can already smell them," he said, as if that explained everything.

I took a whiff. I didn't notice anything different.

"What are you talking about, Jake?"

He chuckled again. "Vamps smell, Bells. They smell all sickly sweet, kind of like cotton candy," he explained. "I can already smell them. I'm sure the house is gonna be intense, all boarded up like that," he finished.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Whatever, Jake. Let's get this over with."

We excited the car, and made our way to the stoop. I couldn't help but notice how eerily quiet it was, especially considering that we were surrounded by the forest. It seemed unnaturally quiet. I guess the wildlife had decided not to get too close. Probably wise.

I put my key in the lock, and paused. I couldn't help but acknowledge that this was the first time I had ever actually used this key. Normally, the house was unlocked. Normally, someone was home. Normally, Edward was with me. _Sigh_.

Shaking off those depressing thoughts, I turned the key, and sure enough, the door gave way. I took a step inside, and was surprised to find that, aside from the draped furniture, it didn't look remarkably different. Jake had been right – they really hadn't packed much in their hasty departure.

I asked Jake to give me a minute as I wandered through the house. Curiosity was overriding grief and anger in this moment. It really did look as though they'd simply gone away on vacation.

Some things were missing. Esme's vase, which she had taken from her human life and which had belonged to her mother, was no longer on the side table by the door. Carlisle's massive wooden cross was also gone, as was Alice's sewing machine and much of her clothing. Rosalie had done an impressive job removing her clothes as well.

Esme seemed not to have bothered with clothes. I'd only been in her room once before, but I could tell that her jewelry box was gone, as was a small box that contained some of Carlisle's personal items. Here again, not everything had been taken, though, giving the impression that they might return any moment. A familiar pair of Esme's beautiful yet restrained high heels lay by the foot of the bed, and resting quietly on Carlisle's bedside table was his pair of Cullen cufflinks and the shirt they presumably came from lay draped over the chair in the corner. The scene made me sad. I could almost imagine him wearily laying the items down after a long day of work, in preparation for a long night of packing. Sometimes, Carlisle was so beautifully human. It made me ache for him.

In Edward's room, the only thing I could find noticeably absent was a small wooden box which contained his mementos. All of his music, his CD's his guitar, even his piano, remained in the house. His books remained on their shelves, including his journals, which I knew he valued above most everything else. I wonder if he packed at all.

Standing alone in his room for the first time in nearly a month, I found myself lost in memories. We had learned to love each other here. We had teased and trusted, and danced and made love here. We shared ourselves here. Our history was just as much in these walls as in my small bedroom at Charlie's, and yet without Edward here with me, it felt so cold. I ran my hand along the binding of Edward's journals. I desperately wanted to read them. It seemed like such an incredible invasion of privacy, but I found myself aching to hear his voice, his perspective, and I knew it was within these tombs. The temptation was great.

I forced myself away, and made my way over to the wall of music. Curious, I turned on the CD player (one thing Edward did take was his iPod), and pushed play. I wondered what he listened to as he packed to leave me.

I recognized it instantly. The gentle hum of Claire de Lune rolled out of the speakers. It was so soft, so beautiful, and I found that it filled me with immense love, and terrible pain. _How could he leave me? How could he throw away all that we had together?_ This exquisite soundtrack to our love burned within me, and I felt gentle tears run down my cheeks. I missed him so very much. _Edward_, my heart was screaming silently, _Edward where are you?_ I knew I may never know the answer, but that didn't stop the question from repeating itself, over and over again.

It was in this small moment alone in Edward's room where I first felt it. With my head and heart nearly consumed in Debussy's measured beauty and the memories swirling at the surface of my mind, I almost missed it. There came a small nudge, gentle and tentative, from within me, centered just below my belly button.

Instantly, I froze, except for my hands which flew to my belly. My baby had moved. _My baby kicked me! _Still as could be, I stood with my hands pressed firmly against my abdomen, waiting. Waiting to feel it again.

A minute passed. Then another.

Just when I thought I had imagined it, another little push came from within me. It was extraordinary! I felt a gasp and a sob escape my mouth, even as one hand moved from my belly to silence my mouth. _My baby was moving! Holy shit! _

And in that moment, I was exhilarated. This was real, this was happening, and without even having the words to verbalize it, I felt certain that this baby had felt connected not just to me, but to his father and our love, and that had been what he wanted to tell me with his little kick. _Oh sweet one_, I felt myself thinking, _I hope you know how very loved you are. I will spend my forever making sure you know it_, I vowed.

Standing in Edward's house, in Edward's room, with his child in my belly making himself known for the first time, I also made another vow.

My parents never made me feel like a mistake, regardless of their other flaws. They never disparaged each other in front of me, and I knew that they had a respect for each other. In this quiet moment, I vowed that I would do everything to make sure my child felt wanted, loved, and more than anything else, I would make sure my child knew he was not a mistake. I know I had not been planned, but I saw in the way my parents cherished me that I was never a mistake to them. I wanted to give my baby that.

"Hello, little one," I said softly, looking down at my hand on my belly. "I'm your Mama." Saying it aloud was terrifying, but also so exciting. "I'm your Mama," I said it again, "and I am so lucky to have you. I love you, little one." I stopped to wipe away a few errant tears that were sliding down my face.

I was rewarded with another little bump against my hand. My teary smile grew into a wide grin, and I replied to the nudge, saying, "thank you for coming out to say hello!"

The last three weeks had been a mess, but in this moment, my life felt pretty perfect.

* * *

><p>Jake was poking around in the den during my brief assessment of the house and my big revelation upstairs. It would seem that Emmett left his Xbox, and Jake felt like he needed to test it out to see if it still worked.<p>

He called to me from the first floor. "Bells, can you believe these guys? I mean, they have no plans to come back, and yet the air conditioning is on, the power's still on, and they even still have cable and wireless internet. We don't even have this stuff at my house, and we _live _there. I can't decide if I'm totally impressed, or completely disgusted at all this waste! Get your butt down here and play me in Mortal Kombat!"

I sighed, and made my way back downstairs, hoping Jake hadn't broken anything.

He was seated on the floor, legs crossed in front of him as he leaned against the coffee table. The large screen TV was on, as was the Xbox. Based on the frenetic movement of his fingers and arms, Jake was one of the competitors on the screen. Based on his screwed up face and occasional grunt of dissatisfaction, he was losing.

I watched him for a moment, remembering how very young he really was. How young I really was. We shouldn't have been planning pregnancies, we should have been playing video games on the floor. _Oh well_, I though, _I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything_. One nudge made all the difference.

"Jake," I said, when it seemed like he'd officially been killed off in his game, "guess what?" I was smiling pretty big, and it caught his attention.

"What? What could possibly have you smiling like that?" he asked, looking up at me from the floor.

"I felt him! I felt him move. Just now, upstairs in Edward's room. He kicked me. Three times, Jake, I felt him three times!" I was beaming, and my hands were over my stomach, cradling my little one with joy.

Jake's face broke into an amazing smile, and in one move he was up and standing before me.

"Whoa, Bells! That's awesome!" His hand came out as if to feel for himself, but he paused, unsure.

I grabbed his big mitt of a hand and pulled it to my belly. I put his palm flush against my abdomen, and pressed gently with my hand on top of his. He looked nervous, but excited.

"Give him a minute," I said when nothing happened. "He might be shy. He's still getting used to all this."

Jake's eyes remained on our hands, even as his head nodded in understanding. We stood another minute, and just when I felt a bit of disappointment beginning to bloom, it happened. I little kick, just a tiny bump, but it was enough.

Jake's eyes flew up to mine, and they were dancing with joy, and shock. He had a huge grin all over his face, and he said in amazement, "Whoa, I felt that. I mean, whoa!"

I laughed, so happy to have someone to share this feeling with. It was too exciting not to share. My laugh earned us another kick. We both laughed that time.

"That is so cool, Bells. It makes it feel real or something, you know?"

I smiled at him. "Yeah, I definitely had a moment when I first felt it. I can't explain how crazy in love I am with him already, Jake. It's wild."

"Yeah, I hear ya," he replied. "It's pretty cool, even if it is a crazy vampire monster in there, Bells. I mean, I think it's gonna be great, you know?"

I smiled at him. "I think so, too. And Jake, just so you know, we may have a teeny tiny vampire monster in here," I said, glancing down at my belly again, "but it's my little monster, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure I get to actually be a part of his life."

"I'm right there with you, Bells," Jake replied. And then he leaned down, and spoke into my belly button, "and you too, Lil'M."

"Lil'M?" I said questioningly.

"Yeah," he looked at me with a big grin, "Lil'M, you know, street lingo for Little Monster. That's his official name until you come up with something better."

Jake looked pretty proud of himself.

I shook my head. But secretly, I kind of loved it. My baby had a nickname.

* * *

><p>Eventually, we got to work.<p>

It felt all kinds of wrong to invite Jake upstairs, but we were there to raid Carlisle's library, so there was no real way around taking him up there.

True to my memory, there were simply thousands of books.

I couldn't quite figure out Carlisle's filing system, which meant we literally poured over everything. Jake wouldn't let me up on the ladder, citing danger to the baby. I wanted to roll my eyes at him, but it was kind of adorable, so allowed him to have his way, and instead I plopped myself on the floor behind Carlisle's desk. There were cabinets at the floor level, and I was curious about what was hidden within.

As I opened up the first one, I saw what looked to be photo albums. _But that couldn't be right, could it?_ Edward always made a point to not have his picture taken, so I had assumed it was a vampire rule. Opening the first album, it would appear I was wrong.

Page after page, I found various combinations of Cullens over the decades. There was one of Carlisle in a fuzzy black and white photo in front of a ferris wheel. The caption said _Chicago World Fair, 1893_. He looked so somber. And then I remembered – he hadn't found his family members yet. Carlisle was alone. My heart let out a little pang for him, and for his three hundred years of solitude. _Poor Carlisle_.

Another favorite was one of Carlisle and Edward standing behind a desk, both studying a book in front of them. They were concentrating so hard, each with similar looks on their faces. I suspected Esme took the photo. You could almost feel her love for them captured in the picture. It made me smile. I would guess it was from the 1930's.

There was a lovely picture of Esme and Rosalie, both in poodle skirts and Mary Jane shoes, grinning widely at each other. I loved this picture, because it was so rare to see Rosalie really smile like that. I wondered what had caused their joy.

More and more pictures whizzed by. I laughed aloud at one of Alice, in full hippie regalia, adjusting Edward's collar. Edward was in bellbottoms and had a scowl like none other on his face. It looked like they were going to a costume party, but I suspected they were actually going out in the late 1960's. It was so typical of Alice to fuss over him like that.

As I poured through the album, I felt more nudges from within. I decided that Lil'M must like it when I laughed. Or could somehow feel when I was thinking of his family. I resolved to make copies of some of these pictures so that one day my child could giggle along with me.

Assuming I survived his birth and was still around to share a life with him.

That thought killed my buzz, and found me further resolved to find an answer to this strange pregnancy. Back to work!

A couple of hours later, Jacob and I had a small stack of really old books that contained vampire legends. That was the best we could come up with. It was more reading than I could do in a night, so we resolved to leave the books here and come back the next day. The books were too frail to take home, and knowing my gracefulness, it would be easy for me to damage them. I didn't want that.

As we made to leave, I paused to find a bathroom. I hadn't spent much time on the second floor, so I wasn't sure where one was. I knew there was one on the first floor to help keep up the pretense, but I was less sure about up here. _They needed to shower_, I thought to myself. _There must be a bathroom somewhere_.

I started trying doors. I knew which ones were the bedrooms, but there were a couple of extra doors that I had not explored. I opened one and found the laundry room. Another was a linen closet.

The third door would change my life.

* * *

><p>It was actually hidden by the door to Carlisle's study, which was usually propped open. Only when you shut Carlisle's study door did you notice the door to the right. As I pulled this door open, I found myself staring slack-jawed at what I found.<p>

It was a hospital room. Kind of. Actually, it was more than that. There was an examination table, an x-ray machine, a heart monitor, and a few other pieces of equipment that I couldn't identify. There were also cabinets and shelves along the wall shared with Carlisle's study. The shelves held medical equipment. I imagined that the cabinets held more of the same. There was a sink and a small refrigerator nestled in between the cabinets. It appeared to be a fully stocked hospital room.

What on earth would prompt them to have this in their house?

Even as I asked the question, I guessed at the answer. In short, the answer was _me_.

I reflected on the injuries I had sustained since they had known me: a concussion, a sprained ankle, scrapes and bruises galore, a broken leg, another concussion, fractured ribs, a giant laceration down my arm, and of course, a vampire bite. They didn't even know about the hypothermia, catatonia, vomiting, and pregnancy.

The night of my birthday, Carlisle asked me if I wanted him to treat my arm where we were, or upstairs. I thought the question was odd at the time, but now I understood. He had been ready for me.

They had created a treatment room for me, knowing my penchant for injury, and how Edward would insist that Carlisle be the one to treat me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream.

_How could a family who loved me enough to go to all this trouble to keep me safe and healthy just walk away? How could they abandon me? I didn't understand_! Without even realizing I was doing it, I punched the wall in anger and renewed grief.

My hand exploded in pain.

"Shit!" I screeched. My cry sent Jake running.

"What the hell, Bella," he asked, as he exited the study to find me bent over in pain, clutching my hand and cursing wildly. "What did you do?"

I straightened myself and replied, as my eyes shot daggers at him, "I punched the wall. I was pissed off, and I punched the wall, and now my hand is broken. Okay?"

He looked at me like I'd grown two heads. "Jeez, Bells. You gotta be careful! You can't be acting all crazy – you gotta think of Lil'M!"

His words hit home.

"Shit," I said again, this time in more of a whisper. "You're right, you're right. I know you're right."

Then, gesturing to the open doorway, I said, "But seriously Jake, you've gotta see this. I mean, what the hell? Who does this?"

He peeked over my shoulder, and his eyes widened. "Holy shit, Bells! Check this out!" He seemed excited. I wasn't sure why. I was pissed.

"I see it, Jake. I just don't get it. I mean, if they care enough to set up a whole freakin' hospital, how can they just bail without even a goodbye? It makes no sense, Jake. It just, I just, I just don't understand." My little rant had ended in a self-pitying sob.

He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. "I don't know, Bells, I don't know."

Then he stepped around me, and entered the room. He opened one cabinet, and then the next. "Damn, Bells, they've got everything in here."

I looked at him and sighed. "Great, I guess," I said half-heartedly.

He looked at me for a long minute, and then he came back over to stand in front of me. I could tell he was going to lay something big on me.

"Bells, I can't imagine how hard it must be to stand in this house, to see memories of them everywhere, and to not really know what all happened. I get that it must suck, but Bells, I gotta tell you, this looks like a huge break for us to me."

"What do you mean, Jake?" I'm not sure I understood why he was so excited.

"Bella, think about it. We were planning on a make-shift delivery on the reservation, probably in whatever hideout Billy can find and/or in my childhood bedroom. Emily knows what she's doing, but she's just a midwife – she doesn't have access to all this kind of stuff," he said, sweeping his hand around the room.

"Bells, this is a huge deal. You can have the baby here. Emily can come here, and have access to all this stuff. I don't know what most of it is, but I'm sure it's gotta help, right? It's gotta be better than the alternative. I mean, I feel like here, with all this stuff and Emily helping out, I think you really could stand a chance, you know?"

I thought about it. I hadn't really allowed myself to think too much about the birth, beyond trying to disprove the horrific fables we'd found over the past few days. Jake's words made lots of sense. They also got me thinking.

"I see what you're saying, Jake. In fact," I continued, "do you think, I mean, can you think of any reason I couldn't just hide out here, instead of on the reservation?"

Jake frowned, but said nothing. I was really beginning to like this idea, so I continued.

"I mean, Billy and Sue are worried about Sam and the rest of the pack, right? And I know it will probably be ok in the end, but why don't I just crash here? No one will know, and the pack won't come here because of the treaty, right? But Emily could, right? So we could use all this fancy equipment when the time came, and until then, I could get ready in one place, and I could continue research here in Carlisle's study, and the house is pretty much set up already. I mean, I think it would work. What do you think?"

I was out of breath with excitement. For some reason, I loved this idea. I loved the idea of preparing for my baby in this space, the space that his family had lived in and loved.

Jake was quiet for a minute, and then he nodded.

"Yeah, everything you are saying makes sense, Bells," he said, somewhat hesitantly. "I mean, I think it makes the most sense, so long as we are careful about not coming and going too much, and keeping the door locked and stuff."

I nodded. "Right, of course. I mean, really, the only people who need to come here are you and me, and you can just morph into a wolf and run over, and I can park the truck in the garage, since I'm sure it's empty," I said, trailing off when I realized what I had said.

The garage was empty because they were not here. And they weren't coming back.

Jake sighed, seeing my change in demeanor.

"Bells," he said gently, cupping my face with his hands, "this would be a good place to hang, but only if you can handle it. It's not good for you, or Lil'M, if you are going to be overwhelmed with memories and spend the next twelve weeks being sad. I just worry that this place isn't good for you."

I took one of his hands from my face and gave him a small kiss on his palm. "You are such a good guy, Jake," I said, "thank you for always thinking of me."

"Of course, Bells."

I looked around me for a minute. The hospital room, Carlisle's office, the second floor hallway – these places weren't so difficult for me. Edward's room was hard. I decided on a compromise.

"I think I can be here, settle here, prepare for Lil'M here without too many sad moments," I decided aloud. "I just will avoid the third floor, and try to focus on making my plans for the baby, and not dwell in the past. I think I have enough to worry about in the present and future, without dwelling in the past. I can handle it."

"Okay, Bells," Jake replied, stepping away from me and waving his hand around, "welcome home."

I smiled and nodded. This could work. It would work.

Jake gave another glance into the hospital room, and said, "Maybe I should see if there is any ice in that fridge for your hand. At least until we can have someone take a look at it."

I nodded. Sounded like a good plan.

"Speaking of medical professionals, we need to catch Emily up on our, uh, research, don't we?" I asked.

He grimaced. "Let's wait until we get through all of Carlisle's stuff, and then we'll clue her in on what we know. How does that sound?"

It sounded like denial wasn't just a river in Egypt. But whatever.

"Sounds good," was the reply I actually gave.

Jake wandered across the room. When he got to the refrigerator, he looked up at me with a grin.

"Why do they have a fridge in here, anyway? Did they anticipate needing to stop and make a sandwich? Have a beer? It seems out of place," he said.

I giggled. He had a point.

"Well, open it and see what was so important to warrant a fridge," I challenged.

He did, and sucked in a deep breath.

"What?" I asked, moving closer. "What's in there?"

He answered just as I got to him, and saw it.

"Blood."

There were probably 20 bags of blood in the refrigerator.

Well, they were vampires, I supposed.

Jake looked totally grossed out, and slammed the door with a grunt. "Figures," he said under his breath.

I found myself interested, and reopened the door. I pulled out a bag, and sure enough, it was B+, my blood type.

"Wow, they really thought of everything," I said softly.

"What do you mean?" Jake asked.

"This is my blood type. This is for me. Just in case, I guess." I was strangely flattered that they would keep human blood in the house, knowing the temptation it must pose.

"Whatever, Bells. That's gross." Jake was scowling. "I don't know why that surprises me," he added under his breath. I ignored him.

I went to put the blood back in the fridge, when I saw something that looked like a miniature 6pk, but it was different. There were 6 glass vials, about the size of a Mason jar, with medical looking lids. The liquid inside was a very light yellow, and the lids were metal with a rubbery center, perfect for a syringe. It was very strange.

I pulled one out. The only marker on it was EPC. That didn't mean anything to me. I put it back, and then pulled out another one. This one had a different marker: CAC. I felt like I was on the verge of something, but I couldn't quite put it together. I pulled out the third jar, and it all clicked. It read: EAMC.

These were initials. Esme Platt Cullen. Carlisle A. Cullen. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

Quickly, I pulled out the other three: EMC, JWC, AWC.

_Oh god_.

Emmett McCarthy Cullen. Jasper Whitlock Cullen. Alice Whitlock Cullen.

I knew what this was.

And the main reason was because of the one that was missing. Rosalie didn't have a jar represented.

Because Rosalie would _never_ donate venom to keep me alive in the event of an emergency. _Never._

It was their venom. I had 6 jars of vampire venom.

These jars represented everything. They changed everything.

They represented the family that had loved me – I knew this for sure now – even if they had to leave. It meant that at one time, they would have been willing to turn me. _Even Edward_.

But more than that, it represented hope.

With this venom, I knew that even if all the horror stories I had read over the past week were true, I stood a chance. For the first time, I saw a future where I could raise my baby and see him grow.

I didn't care about being a human or vampire. I just wanted to have the chance to be a Mama. And in my hand, I had the answer.

I just had to convince Jake to use it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I would like to give a shout-out to windchymes. In her story, <em>Blood Lines<em>, which you should read because it is fantastic, she has Edward take us on a journey of the odds and ends in his room. He has a wooden box with some of his favorite items. For some reason, that scene stayed with me, so Edward's box makes an appearance here. **

**Also, I have included a quote from one of my all time favorite movies, _When Harry Met Sally_. Can anyone identify it?**


	8. Chapter 8 Planning for the Future Carlis

Chapter 8 – Planning for the Future (Carlisle)

Esme took Alice and Jasper's departure better than I expected. Really, that wasn't saying much.

I came home from my hunt anticipating the worst, but was pleasantly surprised to find her back in the kitchen. She was chopping carrots with a speed that would make any Top Chef proud, and it appeared she was making a soup of some kind.

"Esme," I questioned gently, as I slowly made my way into the room, "what are you doing, my darling?"

She paused in her chopping to look up at me, furrowed her brow like she contemplated saying something, and then looked down and continuing her chopping. Celery was the next victim of her skill.

After a moment, she replied, "I'm preparing a beef stew for the homeless shelter in town. I spoke with them a little while ago, and asked how I could get involved, and one of the things they always need is donated food. Well, I could buy it, I suppose, but I thought it would be fun to try cooking it. So that's what I'm doing," she said matter of factly.

She had not mentioned Alice or Jasper's departure.

"That's a wonderful idea, my dear," I said encouragingly as I moved closer to her.

"Yes, I am enjoying it," she replied without looking up. "It keeps me busy. Keeps my mind busy."

_Ah_, I thought. She was clearly distracting herself from our latest loss. I couldn't decide if I should let it go, or push to discuss. After watching her finish with the celery and move on to potatoes, I decided that she had left the door open for discussion, and now was as good a time as any.

"I assume you spoke with Alice and Jasper," I said quietly, cautiously.

She nodded. Her eyes never left the cutting board.

I tried again.

"Alice told you of her plan to discover her roots, then," I continued.

Again, my question was met with a nod. She moved to place a pile of completed potato squares into the pot of broth, and then returned to continue chopping the remaining few.

"Esme," I said softly, "I did not want them to go. I hope you know that. But I could not ask them to say if they were unwilling. It would not be right." I felt like I needed to justify my compliance to her.

A third nod.

Offering her a deep sigh, I turned and made to leave the room. Clearly, we would not be having this discussion today. I wondered if we ever would.

Jasper's warning about Esme's anger tickled the back of my mind. I almost wanted to provoke her ire to get her speaking to me again, but admittedly, I was afraid of the painful truths she might reveal when pushed. I felt responsible for all of this madness, but to hear Esme lay the blame firmly at my feet would be more than I could bare.

Instead, I chose to slink out of the kitchen and hide upstairs.

Another week passed in relative quiet.

Emmett and Rosalie were absent far more, having learned about Alice and Jasper's departure. I think they were hurt by both their abandonment, and the fact that they had not waited to say goodbye. To be fair, however, knowing the schedule for Rosalie and Emmett was not an easy feat. Not even for our future-seer, I would imagine. They seemed to aimlessly wander around the area, shopping and exploring, and rarely checking in for any length of time.

Esme had thrown herself into working at the soup kitchen at the local homeless shelter. She spent much of her day cooking, and a good bit of her evenings serving meals. Through an anonymous donation, the soup kitchen was now able to offer meals every evening, instead of only three days a week. Esme enjoyed the increased time spent doing something productive.

I was proud of her for finding an outlet for her maternal nature, albeit it left less time for me. I found myself missing her.

In my own effort to re-engage, I began volunteering at a 24-hour walk-in clinic on the outskirts of town to fill my evenings. My day job was rewarding, but as an out-patient clinic, there was no overtime, no late night shifts – in short, there were none of the distractions that I had become accustomed to while working in the ER. By working evenings at the clinic, I could keep myself reasonably distracted.

I knew we were all handling our grief improperly, but I felt paralyzed to act differently. No one wanted to acknowledge that our family of eight had effectively been reduced to four, and as such, we avoided being in the house where our absent loved ones haunted us.

* * *

><p>I was stitching up a head laceration for a teenager who had been reckless on his skateboard and hit a patch of ice, landing him on his face and therefore in the clinic, when the receptionist poked her head in.<p>

"Dr. Cullen," she said, "your son is out front. He was hoping to speak with you when you had a moment."

I nodded and continued my stitching. "Do we have others awaiting treatment out front?" I asked. She shook her head. "Alright then, tell him I'll be out in a few minutes, Martina."

"Sure thing, Dr. Cullen," she said with a smile, pulling the door shut behind her.

The young man I was working on chuckled, with a small smirk on his face.

I looked down at him, and couldn't resist asking, "What are you laughing at?"

His eyes danced in amusement. "Nothing," he said with a smile.

"Tell me," I said, chuckling myself. "People don't usually find getting stitches amusing."

"Nah, it's not that," he said with a shrug. "I'm just imaging what your son must have done wrong."

I stopped stitching and looked down at him.

"What do you mean?"

He laughed. "Dude, it's after 11pm on a Tuesday. There is absolutely no reason for a kid to be down here unless he screwed up somehow and needs help or wants to confess. Just look at me!" he said with another laugh.

I gave him a soft chuckle in return, and resumed my stitching.

"Fair enough," I commented. "Well, knowing Emmett, it could be almost anything," I said with a small grin. "Although even he wouldn't be stupid enough to be skateboarding on ice. I hope that's not something you are planning to do again," I said with a question in my tone.

"Yeah, yeah, doc. I gotcha. It was only one little patch! But yeah, this shit hurts, so I'll take a chill on that until the spring, I guess."

"Good thinking, son," I said with a smile as I finished up. "Alright," I said as I cleaned the area around the stitches one final time, "you are good to go."

"Cool, thanks doc," the young man said, hopping up. He made to leave, and then turned back and looked at me. "Doc," he said.

"Yes?"

"Whatever he did, it was probably real hard for him to get up the guts to come down here and tell you about it, so, you know, go easy on him, okay?" he said with a little smile.

"Oh course, son," I confirmed. "I could never stay mad at him for long. He knows that."

"Cool," he said, as he walked out.

His comments stuck with me.

Why _was_ Emmett here at the clinic? I wasn't home often, but I was certainly there enough that he could have approached me there if he had chosen to. _Strange_. In different times, I might be worried that the boys had been overzealous in a prank or a bet, but alas, neither of the other boys were around for Emmett to get into trouble with. _Who would have thought I would miss the days of moderating those antics_, I thought sadly.

It also made me think about Edward, Alice, and Jasper. It must have been so hard for them to ask to leave the family, knowing the pain it would cause to myself and Esme. Perhaps it was even as difficult as it had been to grant them permission. In my despair, I hadn't done an admirable job reflecting on things from their perspective. I scolded myself. I was never usually so thoughtless.

Distracted with my thoughts of things left unsaid, I made my way out to the waiting room in my search for Emmett.

I had to laugh when I saw him.

He was seated on the floor, legs crossed, playing with the table-top train that was off in a corner. It was meant to entertain children as they waited for their appointments. Emmett was making train sounds and had a big grin on his face. His dimples, coupled with the quiet _choo-chooing _sound he gave as he pushed the train around the track, made him look like an overgrown six-year-old. He really was a wonderful gift to our family.

At my laugh, his eyes flew up to meet me, and he gave me a bashful grin.

"What?" he said with a light laugh, "I love trains!"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him. He stood, brushed off his pants, and gave a wave to Martina as I ushered him outside. It was cold outside, but not to the point that humans would find it odd for us to be lingering outside, so I took him to a bench under a large maple tree near the front door. We sat next to each other, both facing forward.

"How have you been, son?" I began. "It seems like we've been ships passing in the night these past few weeks."

He nodded. "I've been ok, all things considered." Emmett wasn't one to beat around the bush. I appreciated that immensely, now more than ever.

"It's been tough, losing Bella, watching Ed, Alice, and Jazz all break away. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like the way any of them handled it. I mean, I feel like they didn't even try. Rosie and I have been pretty upset too, but we've been really trying to make things work, you know?"

He wasn't being catty or unkind. It was just his impression of things. I found myself nodding.

"In many respects, I agree with you, Emmett," I replied. "When we agreed to leave Forks, I was under the impression we were doing so to protect our family, so I too have been disheartened to watch it splinter under the pressure of the past few weeks," I confirmed.

"Exactly," he said, throwing his hands up in the air for emphasis. "I mean, what was the point, if everyone is just going to bail!"

Again, I nodded. "I understand your frustration, truly son, I do." I said, knowing he might not care for my next comment.

"The thing is, though, Emmett, I'm not sure you or I can fully comprehend what it must be like for them – Edward, Jasper, and even Alice – to have the gifts they do. Most of the time, they seem incredibly beneficial, but I suspect that sometimes, they are an incredible burden. I know all three have expressed frustration because their gifts have made the past few weeks so much more difficult."

Emmett started to interrupt, but I raised my hand to stop him.

"I'm not saying they were correct in the way things were handled, or that I was correct in allowing them to depart without more of a discussion, but I think that perhaps we both underestimate the increased strain that their gifts would place upon them, especially when everyone else is upset. That's all."

Emmett nodded, mulling over my words.

"I guess so," he said uncertainly. "I hear what you're saying, Carlisle, I do. It's just, ugh, it's so frustrating!"

I put my hand on one of his broad shoulders, giving him a little pat. "I know, Emmett, I know."

We sat there for a minute, and I enjoyed the quiet time with my usually verbose son. It was nice to have a frank conversation with someone in the family.

After a moment, he turned to look at me, and asked, "Carlisle, I know we just got here, but let me ask you something. How attached are you to staying in Ithaca?"

His question surprised me.

"I'm not sure, Emmett," I replied carefully. "May I ask what you are thinking?"

He turned to me them, his entire body facing mine.

"Rosie is restless. She's anxious. She wants to travel," he said seriously.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Could you elaborate?" I asked carefully. I was suddenly terrified that he was asking permission to leave us as well.

"Well, we've been puttering around here for a few weeks now," he said. "We hit the shops in Manhattan, we've seen the leaves changing in Vermont, hell – we even took a romantic weekend in Niagara Falls. We've been working hard to keep busy, and to let the dust settle on everything that's happened," he explained.

"You know how Rosie is," he continued, "it's so hard for her to deal with her feelings. And I know she's feeling really miserable about everything. Leaving Forks, Edward and the others leaving, and I think she even misses Bella, although of course getting her to admit that would be nearly impossible," he said with a half-hearted chuckle and a small smile.

"Anyhow, she's restless and frustrated that everyone else has abandoned ship, and she really doesn't want to be here, but of course, neither of us feel comfortable just taking off, either. I mean, we didn't like it when the others did it – we don't want to be like that."

Secretly, I was relieved to hear it.

"So what are you proposing, Emmett?" I asked.

"Well, Rosie and I were thinking that maybe somewhere more expansive, somewhere with more options might be good. We were thinking maybe we could go to Europe. We could make Munich our home base – central to everything, but with lots of forest around for hunting, and we could re-explore Europe. It's been several decades since we were there, Carlisle. A good bit has changed. I mean, the Berlin Wall came down, the Euro got introduced, Bosnia fell apart while the Czech Republic pulled itself together. Ireland is now a functioning democracy, and England isn't the center of the universe anymore. I don't know – I think it could be fun to check it all out. I mean, America is so boring," he finished with a dramatic flair, dragging out the word _boring._

I sighed. "When were you thinking about departing?" I asked. This conversation made me anxious.

"Well," he paused, "that would depend on you. You and Esme. We think you should come with us."

I looked at him then, long and hard. _Could we do that? Could we just take off and leave it all behind?_

In essence, it seemed we had already done that, but for some reason, this felt bigger. More permanent. Without even realizing it, I think I had harbored hopes that our exile from Forks was temporary, and eventually we would be called back. If we left the continent, it seemed unlikely that would ever happen.

I mulled it over. We could let Edward, Jasper, and Alice know our plans. They could join us when they were ready. We could make our excuses to our few acquaintances and be on our way with relative ease. I wondered if an extended vacation would be just what we needed to bring us back together. To help us feel like a family. _It certainly couldn't hurt_, I reasoned.

"Let me speak to Esme about it," I told him, not wanting to show too much enthusiasm for his idea, although I did think it had merit.

We both rose to leave. Emmett was headed home, as I headed back inside. Before parting ways, I turned to him and remembering my thoughts while parting from Alice, I stepped forward and gave him an uncharacteristic hug. He seemed surprised, but quickly hugged me back, giving me a squeeze that would have shattered my ribs had I been human.

"What was that for, old man?" he said with a twinkle in his eye.

"When Alice left, she gave me a hug. I enjoyed it, and wondered why we hadn't done that more often. We were all so free in our affection for Bella, but didn't always show it enough to each other. At least, I don't feel like I did. I don't want to make that mistake anymore, especially not with you, Emmett." I said sincerely.

He smiled, and looked down and away. I suspected he was touched, and possibly a little embarrassed.

"It's cool, Carlisle," he said with a little grin, "we all know that you think I'm da bomb!" He was trying to lighten the mood.

I chuckled. "Indeed I do, Emmett, indeed I do," I confirmed. "Although I would not phrase it exactly that way, I admit."

He laughed at that. "No, I expect not," he remarked with a grin. His eyes got serious then.

"But Carlisle," he said, looking me directly in the eye, "I want you to know, we're not going to leave. Not like the others. We may want to go, hell – we may even need to go. But we're not just going to take off in the night and let you and Esme grieve us, too. We wouldn't do that to you. That's not how you treat the ones you love. At least, I don't think so."

I nodded, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. Emmett was such an incredible man, underneath all of his silliness. It was easy to forget how deep his loyalty and sincerity ran, but in this moment, I felt simply consumed by his commitment to our family.

Seeing he wasn't going to get an immediate reply, he turned to leave.

As he walked away, I finally managed a soft, "Thank you, son."

With his back to me, he raised a hand in a wave to acknowledge the words, and kept on moving.

I stood at the entrance to the clinic, watching him walk away.

I didn't want to leave, not really, I could admit to myself.

What I really wanted to do was run as quickly as I could back to Forks, and beg my youngest daughter to re-think her position on us. But that wasn't fair to her, and it seems like too little, too late, in any case.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. There was really only one thing left to do.

At the end of my shift, I would head home, and I would speak with Esme about moving once again.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry it's a little shorter than the others. I needed to get Bella caught up in our timeline. The Cullens have been moving faster than she has... We'll get her caught up next chapter, never fear. <strong>


	9. Chapter 9 Difficult Conversations Bella

Chapter 9 – Difficult Conversations (Bella)

After our visit to the Cullen Mansion, things began to move rapidly.

Jacob and I convinced Billy, Sue, and Emily that the Cullen property would be a good hiding place for me with very little fanfare. In fact, I'm pretty sure they were all secretly relieved not to have me on the reservation, knowing that the pack was struggling to accept what was happening. Emily reviewed the makeshift hospital room in the Cullen house, and was impressed by what she found. There wasn't an ultrasound machine, but since that didn't seem to offer much help at my previous appointment, she declared the room otherwise complete in what she might need.

I hadn't brought up my thoughts about the venom yet. I was saving that until we all agreed on the likely birth scenario, and that would be a discussion needed in the coming days, as time was slipping by rather quickly, and I was almost done with Carlisle's books. My yellow notebook was filling rapidly, and I had a sneaking suspicion that this delivery would end with me becoming a vampire. Or dying.

The most pressing issue now was getting me out of Charlie's house. With another couple of weeks under my belt, I was definitely showing. My jeans had been replaced by athletic pants and sweatpants, and I was definitely always shrouded by a baggy hoodie or sweatshirt. It was conveniently all located in my abdomen –in fact, I seemed to be losing weight elsewhere. My appetite had definitely decreased, and while I wasn't vomiting anymore, I was definitely not interested in food. It was a little unsettling. As unobservant as he was about clothing and my eating habits, at some point soon, even Charlie would notice.

With that in mind, Sue and had spent the last week practicing our approach to the conversation we needed to have with Charlie, and even ran through lines a few times. It wasn't really in my nature to be so dramatic, so I was going to have to channel a good bit of teenage angst. I was using Lauren Mallory as my muse. The emotions were real – I knew I was scared, depressed, and feeling overwhelmed – I just needed to channel that into a teenage temper tantrum. I was finding it easier than I would like to admit to act like a child.

Jacob and Billy often left the house when we worked on this.

* * *

><p>The time had come to put our plan in action. As I stirred the pasta sauce cooking on the stove, I heard Sue's car pull into the driveway. From the kitchen window, I saw her run a hand through her hair, take a deep breath in and let it out quickly, and then move to get out of the car. She was nervous, too.<p>

With a gentle knock on the door, a short pause, and the turning of the knob, Sue let herself in to begin what was going to be one of the hardest nights of my life. She came directly into the kitchen, strode purposefully around the island, and pulled me into a hug.

"You ready for this?" she asked in a whisper.

I nodded shortly, and took a deep breath myself. "I guess so. I hate it, though," I said just as quietly, with a little waiver in my voice.

She nodded too, and then pulled away, giving me a little squeeze as she did so. "I know, Bella, I do. But there really is no other way. It's already too complicated. We can't bring your father into this. It isn't safe for him, and it's not a good idea for us or you, either. It has to be done."

I nodded, and gave her a small smile. "Thank you for helping me with this, Sue," was my only response.

She gave me a small smile, which immediately transformed into a slightly forced wide grin as Charlie wandered into the room.

"I thought I heard you come in, Sue," he said with ease. "How are you doing?"

"Great Charlie," she replied casually, as though she hadn't a care in the world. "I had to come see what Bella is cooking. It smells great!"

Charlie nodded, and beamed at me. "Yeah, she's a great cook. Thanks for doing that, honey."

I gave him a tight smile, but didn't speak. I had been focused on playing a heartbroken and petulant teenage for the better part of a month – some of it was real and some of it was acting – to help with our story. I couldn't start being all sweet now. Especially since it would just make our parting harder down the road.

"Need any help?" he tried again, with a look like he desperately wanted me to assign him something, to communicate with him in any way. I shook my head, and glanced back at the sauce in the pot. I saw his posture slump just slightly in disappointment. _Poor Charlie. I wish I could tell you_, I thought to myself. _I really do!_

Sue redirected his interest as the two of them stood chatting as they watched me finish up dinner preparations. I remained silent – ever the face of a sullen teenager.

We all moved over to the table and began to eat. I remained silent, with my eyes directed on my plate.

I heard Sue take a deep breath, and I knew it was time.

"Bella," Sue said hesitantly, "I have to say, I am a little worried about you. It's been several weeks. I'd hoped that you would have found something positive to focus on by now." Her tone had morphed into a scolding one, as it was meant to, and I found I didn't have to work hard to bristle at it.

I lifted my eyes, and they flashed at her in anger. "Don't worry about it, Sue. It's not your problem," I replied coldly, before putting my eyes back on my plate and twirling my spaghetti. I was baiting Charlie, as he would not stand for disrespect in his house, and I was not surprised at the response I got.

"Bella," he said with surprise and frustration laced in his voice, "watch your tone, young lady. Sue has been very kind to our family, and she is worried about you. Rightfully so, in my opinion. I know you've been going through a lot and it's been hard, but it's not fair to take it out on Sue. I think you owe her an apology."

My eyes lifted again, and this time I flashed them at Charlie. He looked surprised to see the anger rising in them. "_You know it's been hard_, Charlie? You know? You don't know anything about what I've been going through. I don't think you can comprehend what I'm going through!" I wasn't screaming. I was talking in low tones, resentment dripping from my words.

He looked appalled at me. "Bella," he said in shock. "What has gotten into you?"

I threw my napkin on the table and pushed my chair back. I stood up and started pacing, as both Sue and Charlie watched me from their seats.

"I don't know, Charlie, I don't know!" I was inching up in volume and pitch, but still wasn't screaming.

"I feel like I can't breathe, all the time. I can't sleep because I have nightmares, all the time. Everywhere I go, there is a memory of him, of them. They are everywhere, and yet when I stay here, it's so quiet that my mind wanders right to where I don't want it to go. I don't know how to make it stop. He's haunting me, Charlie, and I can't control it and I can't turn it off, and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's not just hard," I stopped to take in a great breath, "it's excruciating!"

"Oh, Bella," Charlie rose at this, and crossed over to pull me into his arms. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make light of things. I know you are hurting, I do. I just don't want you to hurt other people with your words. It's not fair, especially when they are only trying to help. I know you're hurting, Bells," he said, while holding me to him, and rocking back and forth, somewhat awkwardly.

I let out a great sob. I loved being held like this by him, and I was going to miss it. At the same time, I found myself quickly pulling away, because I was nervous about him feeling my baby bump. I moved over to the sofa, and flopped myself down, as only a petulant and childish teenager can.

Charlie stood there staring at me as I ran my hands over my face. Sue stood, and came over to sit beside me.

"Bella, do you think it would help to talk with someone about everything you are feeling?" she said cautiously. "It can't be good to bottle up all these emotions, and they seem to have the best of you most of the time, which isn't good either, sweetie."

Again, it was easy to act out my chagrin. "What, like a shrink?" I replied with a screech. "So now you think I'm crazy?" I cried as I scooted away from her on the sofa.

"Bella," Charlie said, with a warning in his tone. "I think we both know that Sue did not mean that." He paused, looked at Sue for awhile, and then continued. "I think she might have a point, sweetheart. You are really struggling here, and I don't know how to help."

I looked up at him, and replied with something akin to a whine, "I don't need my head shrunk. It's not just everything I'm feeling or thinking. It's all these memories. They are everywhere! Can a shrink help me not think about Edward when I go to school, or Edward when I go to Port Angeles, or Edward when I walk in the woods? I don't think so," I said with a pretty hefty pout on my face, crossing my arms over my chest for emphasis.

Charlie looked lost for a moment, and then suddenly he looked so sad. He crossed over to kneel on the floor in front of me.

"Bella, I don't want to lose you, but if you needed to, we could call your mom. Maybe a change of scenery would be a good thing," he spoke softly, and trailed off at the end.

I uncrossed my arms and rubbed my hands over my face. I didn't have to fake my fatigue.

"No Charlie," I said wearily. "I definitely don't want that. I don't want to have mom try and bond with me over boys and sex and heartbreak and all that girlie stuff she's been trying to shove down my throat since I started getting my period."

I almost chuckled when I saw Charlie squirm at the mention of my period. He was such a guy.

"Besides, she and Phil are newlyweds. I'm pretty sure being around _that_ isn't going to make me feel better," I said with disgust.

He nodded, understanding my words. It was quiet for a minute. Then it was Sue's turn to act.

"Charlie, I have a friend who lives in Northern California. She runs a high school for troubled kids. They are smart kids who have trouble with their emotions and finding their way. It's not jail or some mental institution. It's kind of like school with therapy. I wonder," she paused, glancing at me, "if something like that wouldn't be a good idea for Bella?"

Per our plan, I shot out of my seat, nearly tripping over my father in the process. I stood in front of Sue now, gesturing as I screamed, "What, now you want to get rid of me? Ship me off? Am I really that much of an inconvenience, Sue?"

Charlie barked, "Bella!" as Sue stood and faced me.

"Of course not, sweet girl," she said, as she put a hand gently to my face. "You are anything but an inconvenience. You have brought such joy and light to your father's life, and you've enhanced all of ours as well. I would never suggest '_shipping you off_,'" she said with inflection on the last three words.

"I'm only trying to find a way forward for you, for your family. If you hurt staying here surrounded by memories and you can't handle your mother's attentiveness, we need to look for something else that will work for you. Sitting here being miserable isn't a great solution, Bella."

Sue's gentle forthrightness was overwhelming. Even though we were in the middle of a staged conversation, I found myself loving her for her strength and composure. She really was a magnificent woman.

I stole a glance at my father, who was looking at her thoughtfully. His eyes shifted to me, and I wondered what he saw. Did he see the heartbreak still lingering just below the surface? Did he see my resolve to do anything to protect and earn a future for my child? Did he see through the show we were putting on?

He took a deep breath, and ran his hand over his moustache thoughtfully for a minute. I spent that time quietly sobbing, wrapping my arms around my chest and basically looking pitiful.

Finally, he spoke. "Bells, honey, I don't want you to go anywhere. I'd love to keep you here forever. But I find myself wondering if Sue doesn't have a point? What do you think, Bella?"

I looked up at him, and found myself sobbing harder, this time in gratitude for him making it so easy for me. I nodded a couple of times, trying to get a hold on my tears. Finally, I choked out a whispered, "maybe so."

He approached me again, this time slowly, like I was a skittish deer, and with one hand, he brought my head to him, and he gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I love you so much, Bells," he said with a whisper, "and I am worried about you. I would never send you away," he said with another kiss, "but maybe we could decide together to try something new for awhile and see how it goes?"

He pulled back to see my reaction. Concern and love were written all over his face.

I nodded again, and then tried to find my voice. I had to make sure he was ok with this, and felt good about his decision. "Ok, Dad," I said softly, using his rarely-used moniker for emphasis, "I would do just about anything to stop feeling like this."

He gave me a soft smile, nodded, and turned to Sue. "Can you give me your friend's information?" She nodded.

I gave him a little smile, and then offered a joke to lighten the mood. "Who knows, maybe I'll come back with a tan," I said weakly.

He gave me a little smile, and then released me. Clearing his throat, he said, "So, should we make another attempt at dinner?"

It went much better the second time around.

* * *

><p>Within the week, I was permanently stationed at the Cullen's mansion, aka California.<p>

Jake and Sue had stocked it with food and a few other "human" supplies, such as antacid, toothpaste, and lotion. Vampires didn't need that stuff, but pregnant women did.

Sue also did the unthinkable. She came over one day with a handful of hand-me-downs from the reservation. Newborn clothing in both blue and pink, since we didn't know the gender, a crib and a car seat were all provided for by Emily, Sue, and a few of the other ladies from the reservation. It was so sweet. She also drove all the way to Seattle to purchase baby essentials: diapers, bottles, wipes, pacifiers – you name it, we had it. I had no idea if vampire babies would need any of these things, but it was nice to have them on hand, and I had to admit that I was nesting. I turned Emmett and Rosalie's room into a make-shift nursery, and found myself puttering around in there regularly.

I had another project I was working on as well.

I remembered how Edward repeatedly mentioned losing much of his human memories after he was turned. I didn't want to lose mine, so I began writing an abbreviated autobiography, something I could use to refresh my memory, but something I could also hopefully share with my child one day. It was cathartic and helped build my resolve about the risk I was taking, and about giving up the life I had known.

I was also working on a photo album of the Cullens - something I could take with me, so that Lil'M would be able to relate to his or her lost family. Each page was dedicated to a member of the family, with some favorite candids at the end. I also decided to do a page for Charlie, Renee, and Phil as well - we wouldn't be able to hang out with them either, I was fairly certain.

Otherwise, I found that I spent a lot of time in Carlisle's study working on my research. His desk chair was incredibly comfortable, and the room had really positive memories for me. I enjoyed my time in there. I liked to think I was handling things thoughtfully and carefully, and I chose to believe that the man whose office I had commandeered would have been proud of my approach.

As I came to the conclusion of the research, I realized that I had done my homework, so to speak, and now had to, in effect, give my presentation. I had to inform Jacob, Emily, Billy, and Sue about what I had learned, and what I wanted to do based on my knowledge. I knew it was going to be a fight.

* * *

><p>Since I was supposed to be in California, I called Jake and asked him if he could bring everyone to me. As always, Jake was a great sport, and so the next week found me hosting a small gathering of Quileute in the Cullen living room. I enjoyed the irony.<p>

As they all came in, Billy's eyes widened as he took in my appearance. At 12 weeks, I was definitely showing as much as someone at 24 weeks would. In fact, according to the baby books, I was actually slightly ahead of schedule. It might not have been so noticeable if I hadn't been losing weight everywhere else. I just found that I wasn't particularly hungry. I ate enough to provide nourishment, but I really didn't want to eat anything. I almost had to force myself to do it.

"Wow, Bella," he said with an uncomfortable chuckle, "I am guessing we got you out of Charlie's just in time, huh?" Billy commented as he rolled across the foyer.

I smirked at him. "Yup," I said. "Lil'M is growing like a weed. It was getting tricky those last couple of days at Charlie's because he wanted to hug me all the time, and I wanted to hug him back but, well, I was afraid he'd hit the bump. I think he was offended that I wouldn't get close to him," I said with a sad smile.

Billy nodded. "I am sorry that it's come to this," he said matter-of-factly, "but we're keeping an eye on him, and he'll be okay. I promise."

I nodded. I knew Billy was right.

Everyone took their seats, and I cleared my throat and began to talk.

"So, I'm guessing Jake filled you in on the basics. He and I spent a couple of weeks at libraries and on the internet doing research on vampire legends to try and figure out what to expect with this," I said, gesturing to my burgeoning belly.

"Then we came here, and ransacked Carlisle's office, and found some more information, which I've been slowly sifting through. It was slow going, because Carlisle's books are old, fragile, and about half of them have fading ink or are in crazy old versions of English," I said with a weak chuckle.

They nodded encouragingly.

"So I have three notebooks here," I said, pointing to the coffee table where they were resting. The red one is a log of everything that's happened since, um, well, since conception," I stuttered embarrassingly. Jake was also a little bit red, while Sue and Billy kind of smirked at me. Emily just sat patiently, waiting for me to continue.

"I have been documenting my symptoms, my weight, how big my belly is getting, and any other fun side effects I have noticed. I've been trying to find trends between what I'm feeling and experiencing, and what the fables and legends describe, looking for truths among a whole bunch of crap."

They all smiled at that, and so I continued.

"The black notebook is data collected from sources that I would consider less than reputable. I didn't want to discount anything, so I wrote it all down, but I don't consider this stuff to be based in fact. It's almost more for the process of elimination than anything else. Make sense?"

They nodded. Billy asked, "How did you determine that these sources were less than credible, Bella? I would imagine that it all sounds a little far-fetched."

I laughed a little at this. "True, Billy, very true. I guess I looked at their descriptions of vampires. If they couldn't get the basic details right, they didn't stand a chance with the obscure stuff like vamps impregnating humans, you know? So, for example, if they talked about how the vampires slept in coffins or needed an invitation to walk in your front door, it automatically ended up in the black notebook. You see what I mean?"

Billy nodded. "Sounds good, Bella. What is the yellow notebook?"

"That, Billy, is information gathered from sources that seemed more reliable. They got the basic details about the vampires right, so from there, their fables felt like less conjecture and more fact. I mean, the information was still all over the board, as it's really little more than rumors and gossip and myths, but I did find some trends. And that's what I wanted to talk to you all about today," I finished dramatically.

Emily made herself known with a gentle question. "Can you also recap what you and Jacob learned at your appointments, and what we've noticed since then. I think it might help frame the context." It was a great idea.

"Sure, Emily. Good idea." Turning to Billy and Sue, who had less of this information than Jake and Emily, I filled them in.

"In short, my pregnancy appears to be moving at twice the speed of a normal one, if not a little more rapidly. Which means, I have a little less than eight weeks to go. It seems impossible on the one hand, I know," I said, taking in their expressions, "but on the other, look at me," I finished, pointing at my belly.

Sue and Billy nodded, but said nothing.

"We also learned that the amniotic sac appears to be thicker than an average human pregnancy. Significantly thicker. The ultrasound couldn't permeate it. Also, it appeared to give off an echo of the baby's heartbeat. And that would be another thing we've learned. The baby has an erratic heartbeat. We are having trouble even now getting a consistent rhythm confirmed." I glanced at Emily, and she nodded her head in confirmation.

"Finally," I said, taking another deep breath, "Emily has observed that my abdomen is substantially harder than typical in a human pregnancy, and also that despite the thick amniotic sack, the baby is quite mobile and quite strong." I raised my top a little, so that they could see the small bruises that peppered my skin.

"His kick packs quite a wallop," I said with a sheepish grin.

Jake had not been privy to this information, and upon seeing the bruises, he stood suddenly and exclaimed, "Jeez, Bella! Why didn't you say something? That is not good!"

I gave him a small smile. "I didn't want you to worry. Besides, there isn't anything to be done about it, so what's the point in dwelling on it." I looked to Sue and Billy. Sue also looked worried, but Billy looked at me without emotion.

"Are you in pain, Bella?" he finally asked.

"No, not exactly," I replied. "It can be uncomfortable sometimes, but as sick as this sounds, I love feeling him move in me. I love knowing he's ok in there. I can handle it."

Billy glanced and Sue and Emily, and then nodded.

Jake was not as cooperative.

"Bells, this is serious," he said. "He's hurting you!"

I turned to face him with a stony look in my eyes. "What would you have me do, Jacob? Put him in time out? It doesn't work that way. He can't control this any more than I can." I took a deep breath and continued.

"Jacob, I appreciate your concern, really, I do, but the thing is, this conversation is about to get really intense, and I need you settle down some. If you can't handle this," I said, gesturing again to my belly, "I'm pretty sure you are going to lose your mind at where I'm heading with this."

He looked at me for a long time, frustration clearly written all over his face.

"Jacob," Billy scolded, "sit down. We need to hear Bella out, and make a plan of action together. Yelling will accomplish nothing."

Jacob shot him a look, and then plopped back down on the couch. "Fine," he huffed."

I took a deep breath and continued.

"So that's what we know about the baby based on medical assessments. Now, when you combine that information with the research I've been doing, I think I can make some pretty accurate conclusions. Well, at least as accurate as we're going to get with the limited knowledge we have," I added.

"Let's hear 'em, Bells. I know this is going to be good," Jake muttered sarcastically.

"That's not helping, Jacob," I admonished. He shrugged.

_If he was going to act like a child_, I decided, _I would address the adults in the room_. Turning slightly, I faced Billy and Sue. I could still see Jake pouting over my right shoulder.

"One of the most prevalent trends was a reference to the baby eating or clawing its way out of the mother's body," I said without preamble.

"Wow," Billy said under his breath. Sue also took in a deep breath.

I nodded. "I know. Believe me. But it came up often in the most reliable accounts. I wish I could say differently, and I wish I could discount it, but it seems consistent with the hardness of the sac and my belly. Emily and I don't know that I can deliver a sac that thick, and it would stand to reason that the baby would have trouble breaking the sac at the time of delivery without a struggle."

I took a deep breath, steadying myself and continued.

"I think that based on some other trends, I have figured out why the sac is so thick, and why the baby struggles so much." I took a deep breath.

"Bella?" Sue asked quietly.

"I think," I stammered a little, shooting a glance over at Jake, who had his hand over his face, but was definitely listening, "I think that the sac might be made of vampire skin."

"What?" Jake roared, rising to his feet. "You're telling me you have vampire skin growing in you right now? That's crazy, Bella! This whole thing is crazy!"

"I know, Jacob," I hollered back at him. "I agree! This whole thing is crazy, but I think I'm right on this. A lot of the stories describe the sac as marble or white iron. I think they don't have the knowledge or context to describe what they are seeing. They also talk about it as a shimmering bone. I think that's the skin sparkling. I think the sac is that way to protect the baby." I took a deep breath and then said more quietly, "And please stop yelling at me. It doesn't help!"

He looked at me with wide eyes, and then slumped to the sofa, leaning forward and putting his face in his hands.

"Bella," he moaned, dragging out my name, "this is not good. Not good at all."

"I know," I whispered.

The room was quiet for a minute, and then I decide to tell them the rest.

"I've obviously been giving this some thought, and I might have a solution," I said timidly.

They all looked expectantly at me.

"Well," Jake said, lifting his head out of his hands, "go on!"

"You are really going to hate this idea," I said softly. "But I think it might be my only chance."

Billy spoke then, quietly. "Bella, talk to us. We will try to listen objectively." Sue and Emily nodded along. Jake sighed.

"Well, there are three main points to the idea. The first is that we deliver the baby before it had a chance to come naturally," I said quietly, casting a glance at Emily.

She was about to speak when Jake broke in bitterly, "Oh, well that will be simple enough, Bella. Why didn't I think about that?"

"Jacob," Billy warned. Jake put his face back in his hands.

"Emily," Billy continued, "can that be done? Can you do a C-section here at the house with the equipment on hand?"

She looked at me for a long moment, and hesitantly nodded. "I can. It would be painful, Bella. I don't know how to perform a spinal block, so the best we could hope for is enough morphine to dull the pain. It would be a lot to take," she said apologetically.

I nodded, knowing this would be true, and also knowing that the pain of a C-section was just the starting point in what was going to be an awful ordeal.

"I know, Emily," I said softly. "I am prepared for that. Or I will be. Because I think the other choice is to die, also with excruciating pain, so either way, it's going to be a bad day," I said with a small smile. She returned the gesture.

Jacob muttered under his breath, "this is crazy."

It's about to get even crazier, Jake," I said flatly. He raised his eyes to me again. "What do you mean?" he asked haltingly.

"Well, we'd still need to somehow penetrate the vampire skin sac, right? I'm guessing a regular scalpel can't do that. I mean, the whole point is that they are supposed to be invincible, you know?"

Everyone nodded. Billy spoke then, "My understanding is that only another vampire or a werewolf can cause permanent injury to a vampire, Bella."

It was my turn to nod. "Yes, that's my understanding as well, Billy," I said. I waited for them to connect the dots. When they didn't, I added, "And we don't have access to another vampire."

There was a beat of silence, and then….

"No! No way! I'm not doing it, Bella! What do you want me to do? Rip it out of you? I could kill you! In fact, I'm pretty sure I would kill you! I would probably kill the baby too! This is ludicrous!" Jake was screaming at me.

"Jake," I started with a sigh, only to have him cut me off.

"Don't '_Jake_' me, Bella, like I'm some misbehaving toddler! You are out of your mind! I've gone along with everything else, but if you think I'm going to take a swipe at you to get your vampire baby out, knowing that I could kill you with my bare hands, you have lost your mind. I won't do it!"

I took a deep breath, and sat down on the arm of the chair that Emily was sitting in. I was so tired of having to fight every step of the way.

"Jacob, please stop screaming at me. It's not helping," I said quietly. He shot daggers at me, and then strode to the edge of the room, turning to have his back to me. "I won't do it, Bella," he said firmly.

"Listen to me. I'm not suggesting you flop on the bed and rip me open, Jacob," I said wearily. "I'm suggesting that once Emily preps me and makes the initial incision to get to the womb, you transform into a wolf, walk over to Emily slowly, and let her use your paw as a scalpel. Let her guide the cut. You just stand there as a wolf, and let her control the depth and pressure." I paused, letting them take it in. "I really think it could work," I said softly.

It was quiet for a minute, and then Billy cleared his throat. "That's pretty risky, Bella. For you and the baby, but also for Emily."

I looked down at Emily. "What do you think, Emily?" I asked.

She looked lost in thought for awhile.

"I think we should do a couple of practice runs so that we know how to work with each other before we attempt this in a pressure situation," she said thoughtfully. "I also think Jake should phase in the hallway and then come in the room, since phasing isn't the most controlled process," she said running a hand down the scar along her face. "But if Jake were willing to work with me, I would be willing to attempt it," she said quietly.

All eyes moved to Jacob, who still had his back to us.

"You don't know what you are asking, Bella," he said quietly. "I want to save you. I don't want to be the one who kills you," he said brokenly, his shoulders slumped down and his head hung low.

I rose and walked over to him. I placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and another on his upper arm. Leaning forward as much as my belly would allow, I whispered in his ear, "You will be the one saving me. I'm going to die without your help, Jake. And if we do nothing, my baby will most likely die, too. I can't live with that. Please help me. It's my only chance." I gave his arm a little squeeze.

He was still for what felt like an eternity. Finally, in barely a whisper, I heard a muffled, "okay, Bella. I'll do it."

A smile broke out across my face. I was grinning from ear to ear, and gave a small laugh of joy. It was silenced immediately when Jake turned around and I saw the look on his face. He looked like he was burning alive inside.

"Oh Jake," I cried, immediately throwing myself in his arms, "please stop that. Stop beating yourself up. You are going to save me. You are! I know you are! We can do this! I know we can!"

He held me close for a long time, and I ran my hands up and down his back to soothe him. Finally, he pulled away, and said, "Ok, Bells. I believe you. We can do this."

It was weak but I would take it.

We moved back over the sofas, and Jake resumed his spot. I went back to my perch on Emily's chair. My back was hurting from standing so much, and I really didn't want to go through the last piece of my plan, but knew that now was the time.

"Um, there is one more thing," I stated uncertainly. "I'm sure we've all had enough for today, but I think I need to tell you what I know, and what I want. You don't have to decide today. I just want you to think about it," I said, settling the scene.

"I honestly don't think I can take anymore, Bella," Jake said bitterly.

"I know, I'm so sorry," I replied. And I was. Because he was going to hate this.

"The thing is, all the legends end with the mother dying. Now, I know we have an excellent midwife and a solid plan in place, so we stand a better chance than those women in the stories, but I'm still very aware of my mortality, especially as I desperately want to meet and be a mother to my child. I don't want to bring him into this world only to abandon him by dying."

Billy leaned forward in anticipation. "And you believe you have the means to assure a positive outcome?" he said with great interest.

I nodded. "I do. But if you hated the last idea, you really aren't going to like this one," I hedged, preparing myself for the explosion.

"Go ahead, sweetie," Sue said encouragingly. "We all need to be on the same page here."

I nodded again. I took a deep breath. I focused on Billy's face, not brave enough to face Jake's reaction.

"When Jake and I were exploring the house, we found a small fridge upstairs in the treatment room. Inside it, there was extra blood. On the shelf below the blood, I found something else." I took another deep breath.

"Bella?" Billy pushed.

"I found six vials of venom. Vampire venom. I don't know how much I would need, but if you can change from a single bite, I would imagine that six vials is more than sufficient to turn me into..." I paused, summoning my courage, "a vampire." I finished weakly.

Billy and Sue were staring at me like I had just sprouted an extra head. Emily was quiet with a thoughtful expression on her face. Jake... Jake was..gone?

Twisting my head around to be sure, I confirmed that Jake was no longer in the room. Knowing that he could probably hear me, I whispered, "Jake?"

From outside, I heard an incredible crash, and realized what had happened. For the second time in only a few weeks, I had driven him to the point of uncontrollable phasing. Jacob the man had left the building. Jacob the werewolf was crashing through the forest trying to get a hold on his anger.

I sighed. I closed my eyes, counted to ten, and then opened them to find Billy and Sue having a silent conversation with their eyes.

Finally, Billy turned to me and said, "You are willing to go through this, all of this, for the sake of your child? You are willing to suffer an agonizing delivery and unfathomable transformation, not to mention an eternity as a vampire without your family? You want this, Bella?" He was concerned. Rightfully so.

"Yes, Billy," I said definitively. "What lengths would you go to for Jacob, Rebecca, or Rachel? Sue, what about for Seth and Leah? I know it's hard to imagine, but I feel the same. I would do anything, be anything, to assure myself that he has a future before him. If I die, Billy, what will happen to him? Will you all raise him on the reservation, constantly at odds with the pack? Will you give him to Charlie and explain everything that has happened here? Will you toss him in an orphanage and hope that his vampiric nature isn't a problem?"

The two of them stole a glance at each other, both of their faces impassive. But I knew the truth. They could not do any of these things.

"The only way forward for him, for me, is to make this change. I am not doing it for any reason other than the need to raise my child and see him into adulthood. I see no other way around it. Do you?"

Billy sighed, and slumped forward in his chair to rest his arms on the armrest. He knew I was right, but he certainly didn't like it.

"Bella," he said with a sigh, "this would change everything. The treaty would essentially be meaningless. How could we hold the Cullens to it, if we are also turning people into vampires? Also, there is the safety of the reservation to consider. From what I understand, a newborn vampire, even one who has been a friend to us, is difficult to control. I fear you would put us in a position to ultimately destroy you, resulting in the same quagmire already detailed."

"Billy," I replied impatiently, "I was not planning to linger in Forks. Once I've changed, hunted, and collected my child from you, I will go elsewhere. I don't wish to stay anymore than you want me to. You are right - it would be a danger to the people I love, and I don't want to be the one to bring harm to anyone. I will happily go."

He sighed, and closed his eyes for a long while.

"Billy," I said quietly, "I don't mean to be cruel, but if you don't agree to this, I think it will be tantamount to killing me. I think I will die from either blood loss or a heart attack during the birth regardless of what we do to prevent it. A careful birth might give me enough time to get the venom in my system, but probably not save me without it. Don't you agree, Emily?" I turned and looked at her.

She was looking away, also with her eyes closed. After a moment of silence, she gave a small nod.

I turned to look at Billy. He and Sue looked devastated.

"Bella," he finally said, "this is not something I can simply agree to. I need to consider this mightily. I will probably need to consult the tribe elders. At a minimum, Sue and I will need to spend some time in discussion. And once Jacob cools down, we will need to engage him in the discussion as well. This is not something I can promise today."

I nodded sadly. I didn't expect anything less.

"I understand, Billy. Really, I do. I know I've already pushed the boundaries of what is fair to ask and expect of you all. I hate to ask you to compromise everything you stand for," I said with a small sob, "it's just that I really don't think I have another choice."

It was Billy's turn to nod. "I'm not disagreeing with you on that Bella. Any of it. Let us break from this discussion for now. I am exhausted, and I'm sure you are as well. We will regroup in a few days, if that's ok?

"Sounds good, Billy. Thank you for considering it." I meant that with every fiber of my being.

"I want to do what is right for both you and your child, out of fondness for you and respect for your father. I just need to determine what that is," he said in reply.

I stepped forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Just by being here, Billy, you are doing what is right. And you have honored us both, regardless of whatever else happens. I will never be able to thank you enough for all that you have done, and all that you've allowed Sue, Jake, and Emily to do in an effort to help me. Thank you."

He smiled, and without another word, rolled out the door.

Sue came over and gave be a big squeeze. "We will sort this out, sweetie," she said softly. I nodded.

Emily was the last to leave. She put a hand on my shoulder and said softly, "You handled that well. I was very impressed. I think you did both yourself and your child a great service tonight, Bella."

I gave her a watery smile, and whispered, "thank you." She patted my shoulder again, and then left.

I was alone again.

But hopefully not for long.


	10. Chapter 10 Difficult Conversations Carli

Chapter 10 – Difficult Conversations (Carlisle)

As I made my way home, I tried to analyze the approach I would take with Esme.

As I found myself running over scenario after scenario, it struck me how incredibly sad it was that I felt I had to practice for a conversation with my wife.

She was my mate, my other half. How had we changed so very much in such a short time that I was unable to communicate with her? The realization of how removed we were from each other left me in despair.

The house loomed large and dark in front of me. I saw the kitchen light on, and knew that my bride would be working on her next culinary masterpiece for the soup kitchen. It really was extraordinary how she could take her loss and do something positive with it. I found myself aching for her. Not just for her arms, but for her gentle words, soft touches, and the peace that could only be found when we made love. It had been some time.

I had been neglecting her.

Though, to be fair, she had been avoiding me.

I wondered if tonight might be the conversation that could break this vicious cycle.

I exited the car, my destination clear, even if I was still unsure about my approach. I could hear the gentle sounds of food preparation even from the driveway. I hoped she would not mind the interruption.

Deciding to come in the side entrance, closest to the kitchen, I heard her pause as I entered. She resumed her work, and even though I hadn't seen her yet, I could feel the determination in her movements. She was putting on a show for me, I felt certain.

"Good evening, love," I said warmly, as I entered the kitchen. I made my way to her, and gave her a small yet tender kiss on her temple.

She glanced up at me quickly, and then her eyes were back on the food in front of her. "Hello, darling," she said gently.

I watched her a minute, hoping she would engage me in conversation on her own. She didn't.

After another minute of me just supervising her efforts, she stole another glance at me, and with a small smile, said, "Was there something you needed, Carlisle?"

I didn't move closer, but I tried to convey everything I missed, everything I needed, in my response. "The only thing I find myself needing, Esme, is a little time with you. Do you think you might have some to spare tonight?"

I found myself nervous at her answer.

A crease formed above her eyebrows, ever so small. Yet it spoke volumes.

She did not wish to speak with me. I found myself sidelined in shame and sadness with the realization that even when asked directly, Esme, _my wife_, wished nothing to do with me. It was unbelievably painful.

She didn't answer, but I had already interpreted her expression.

I nodded, without saying a word, and exited the kitchen.

I meant to go upstairs, but found that the pain of her rejection was overwhelming me, and at the base of the stairs, I found I could move no further from her. Without preamble, I dropped to the third step, and found my head in my hands, elbows resting on my knees.

It was one of those times that I desperately wished I could cry. I had so much pressure in my chest, grief desperate to escape my body, and yet, I could not physically give it release. I found myself taking great breaths, not quite a sob, but certainly very close.

I felt myself drowning in despair. Is this what Edward experienced when Bella requested our departure? Is this how Esme felt, as Alice and Jasper bid us farewell? _It was intolerable!_ I had been so focused on making the best decisions for our family, that I had been avoiding my grief, and here alone on the steps, I found that it had caught up with me. My chest burned, and my soul ached. _What had happened to us_?

Just as I thought the pain might consume me right there on the stairs, I felt a gentle touch on my arm. I knew that touch intimately. It was the only thing that could bring me back from the abyss.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," she whispered, as she sat next to me on the step. "That was not kind of me."

With her words, my great breaths became full on sobs. I pulled one hand from my face, and wrapped it around her hand on my arm. I would not be able to bear it if she let go. My other hand continued to hide my face from her, and from the world.

It had been a devastating few months, and it was all finally hitting home with me.

I sobbed for a time. Esme left her hand where it was, and with her other, she began long strokes up and down my back. I had never felt anything more wonderful. Her touch, her compassion, seemed to be the only thing keeping me from slipping into a darkness that pressed upon me from within.

We stayed like that for some time, but eventually, much like a toddler who cries himself to sleep in his mother's arms, my sobs ran out, my breathing regulated, and I found myself needing to see her. Needing to know that she was still there.

I turned my head in my hand to see her. I did not lift it. I wasn't sure I was able to.

Her eyes caught mine instantly. Reflected back at me was every ounce of grief I felt, as well as worry and guilt. Her dismissal had pushed me to this moment, and she was regretful. I knew that much of the pain in her eyes was put there through my actions, and I too was regretful. I hoped she could see that when she looked at me.

"How did it come to this?" I asked weakly, my voice barely above a whisper. "I don't know how we got here," I finished.

Her hand that had been on my back ceased its movements, and came to smooth back the blond locks around my temple. Her touch was so gentle, so very gentle. In that moment, I felt she could heal the world with the kindness of her touch.

"We didn't fight for our family, Carlisle," she said softly. There was no reproach in her voice, just a frankness that made her words impactful. "We let them slip away. Now we are grieving their loss."

Her words were true, of course, but they were also frustrating.

I found myself putting my face back into the palm of my hand. "What would you have had me do, Esme?" I asked pitifully.

"I could not force them to do something they don't wish to. It's not right. Though they act as our children, they are adults. They have the right to come and go as they please." I took a breath, and felt another little sob escape, "I did not wish for them to go. Just as I do not wish for this space between us. I just don't know what to do to make it better."

I felt her rise from my side, and begin pacing around the living room. I peeked out from my hand to see her open her mouth to speak, pause, close it, and walk away. Only to come back and consider again. The process repeated itself several times. It was becoming unbearable to watch.

"Esme," I finally interjected wearily, "just say whatever it is that you have to say."

She spun on me then, and her eyes were blazing.

"Oh, now you'd like to hear what I have to say!" She said with a sharp tone laced with and underlying fury. "You didn't seem concerned with my thoughts back in Forks! Or in the woods with Edward! Or when you waived Alice and Jasper away without a second thought! You didn't seem to need to hear what I had to say then, Carlisle!"

I was on my feet in a moment. She had never spoken to me like this before. She had never turned her fury on me in the nearly 90 years we had been together. I wasn't entirely sure I knew the woman standing in front of me.

"What are you talking about, Esme? You have been in the forefront of every decision I have made. You have never left my heart or mind. I care immensely about your thoughts! You are my wife, my mate, _my life_ – how can you think I don't care?" I barked, in a tone that was somewhat uncharacteristic of me.

She laughed bitterly, in a way I had never heard from her before. "I think that you do not care, because you never asked me what I wanted. When we left Forks, everyone else in our family got a turn to cast their opinion. By the time it was my turn, the decision had been made. It was written all over your face, Edward's, and even Alice's! I barely got out one sentence before the conversation was over. You and Edward steamrolled over everyone in that room – I wouldn't be surprised if you had made your mind up before you ever entered the house that night!" she screamed.

"That is not true, Esme," I defended myself. "We discussed it at the hospital, and then came home to discuss it with the family. No decision had been made. You definitely had your turn to speak, I remember it vividly!"

She scoffed at me. "You remember what you want. I barely got a say." She turned and walked away. Under her breath, she muttered, "It was a foolish decision."

"What?" I demanded, afraid that if she walked away now, we would never get past this. "What did you say?"

She rounded on me, and screamed, "It was a foolish decision, Carlisle! We never should have left! Never! The second we left Forks, we broke up our family. We basically invited our children to break away from us, and not surprisingly, they have taken us up on that!"

"Again, Esme," I spoke forcefully, "what would you have had me do?"

"I would have had you speak with Bella, Carlisle!" She moved towards me furiously. "I would have had you or I go and try to talk with her reasonably about her feelings! She was a young girl, thrust into a mysterious world that she couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of, despite her stubborn resolve, and she was dealing with Edward, who, however much I love him, is an emotional cripple, and just as stubborn as she is! It's no wonder it ended in heartbreak!"

She poked a finger into my chest at this point, and continued, "Which is why it was our job, as parents, to step forward and try to find reason amongst the heartache. Perhaps we could have talked through her fears! Perhaps we could have used the incident with Jasper to have a real conversation with Edward about changing Bella! Even if there wasn't an immediate resolution, we could have smoothed the way towards a peaceful co-existence or given her time to work out her emotions and come back to us willingly. She. Can't. Do. That. Now," Esme said, poking me hard with each word. "She can't come back to us, because she doesn't know where we are! We left her with no options, and in doing so, we left ourselves without any, either, Carlisle!"

With a great sob, she finished, "she was our baby, and we turned her away, just as much as she turned us away. We were supposed to be the grown-ups in all of this Carlisle. The parents. As parents, you don't just run away when things get difficult!"

I rubbed my hand over my face, and then through my hair. I understood what she was saying, but the fact remained that the family was in danger.

"Sweetheart," I said with a sigh, as I tried to pull her to me. She fought and stepped away. "I understand what you are staying, but the fact remains that our family, our secret, was put in jeopardy by Bella's decision. Her father was the Chief of Police, and his best friend was the Chief of the Quileute. As girlfriends go, Edward couldn't have found one that put us in more danger if he tried. You are over-simplifying things! I had to think about more than just Bella in all of this. The entire family was in danger!"

I found myself getting frustrated. I had never shied away from the responsibility laid at my door by having a coven of eight vampires looking to me for leadership and guidance, but in having my choices questioned by the one who mattered the most, I found myself getting defensive.

"I don't think you realize, Esme, the weight of my responsibility. I am responsible for all of you! I literally brought you into this surreal life of ours, and I take my responsibility to keep you all safe very seriously. In marking you as mine, in giving you eternal life, I took on the role of protector. I feel it in everything I do. I cannot always follow my heart – sometimes, it's imperative to follow instincts. Our instincts keep us alive. Our instincts keep us from being revealed. We cannot be a family if we are discovered, and tracked by the Volturi as a result. I have to think of the safety of our family before I think about other considerations, Esme. I do not wish it to be this way – it's just how it is. We are not human, however much we'd like to be!"

She stood opposite me, backing away. "Maybe that's the problem in all of this, Carlisle," she said in a tone of defeat. "I see us as a family first. I think we work best when we operate as a family, a democracy. You see us as a coven. _Your_ coven."

I heard myself growling at her. "Esme, that is not fair! I value our family above everything!"

"Then why are you letting it slip away?" she screamed at me.

"Do you think I want this? Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think I take pleasure in watching your suffering, and enduring your silence? Esme, the last two months have been torture! I have watched everyone I care about fall apart at the seams, and nothing I say, nothing I do seems to help!"

"You were not there, watching Jasper double over from the pain he was internalizing from Edward. You did not see the anguish and despair in Edward's eyes as he begged to leave us. You did not feel Alice cling to me and apologize even through her guilt and grief. I am all too aware of how everyone is hurting, Esme!"

"And believe it or not, Esme," I said with a great sob, as my energy waned from the pressure of the memories in my head, "I am hurting, too! She was my baby girl just as much as yours! They were my boys who begged for freedom from me, and my little Alice, once so confident, who looked so lost. I hate this just as much as you! I am not _letting it slip away_," I finished bitterly, "I am losing the fight to hold on to what is mine, ours. But I _have_ been fighting. Don't tell me otherwise, because you were not with me when I had to handle all of that. I was alone. You gave up before we ever even left Washington."

She gasped from my words, but stood still, with a hand over her mouth, and agony in her eyes.

"I can't believe that's really what you think," she responded softly, painfully.

"That's the way it feels from over here," I replied just as quietly.

After I moment, I felt I needed to say something more. "I am glad you shared your thoughts with me tonight, Esme. Even if I disagree with your perspective, I am pleased to understand it better. You have a lot of anger that you are holding in, my love. Jasper warned me of it before he left. I would willingly endure a thousand disagreements such as this one if it helped you to release it. But each time I approach you, you turn away. You shut down. How can we ever get past this if you won't meet me half way?"

Without moving her hand from her face, she whispered, "I'm not sure I can get past it. I am so furious with you, Carlisle."

_Oh, god._

I took a long breath, and tried to find my way through the silence in the room.

Finally, after a moment with each of us lost in our own thoughts, I decided that we had both endured enough for tonight. I couldn't take any more words that might echo her last ones.

"Sweetheart, I don't think we will resolve anything more tonight, do you?"

She shook her head without further reply.

"Perhaps we should take a few days to think through each other's words, and then come back and continue this discussion," I suggested. She nodded.

"There is one thing, though, which I hate to bring up now, but I think we need to discuss as some point in the very near future," I said hesitantly.

"What is that?" Esme asked with a sigh.

"The reason that I had originally wanted to speak with you tonight, Esme, is because Emmett came to see me this evening at the clinic."

Her eyes widened. Understanding overtook her, and she dropped to her knees, wrapping her arms around her as she heaved great sobs. Brokenly, her wet eyes found mine and she sobbed, "They are leaving us, also, aren't they, Carlisle? Aren't they?"

Whatever else had happened, I couldn't bear to witness her agony without offering some comfort. In a flash I was kneeling before her, with my arms around her, and one hand holding her head to my chest. She didn't fight me.

"Not exactly, my love. Please, calm some, so I can explain." I rocked her gently while she pulled herself together. After a few moments, I continued.

"They are restless and find this area of the world altogether unstimulating," I began. "They wish to travel around Europe for awhile. They would like to see the changes of the past several decades, and also to put some distance between us and our heartbreak. They feel a distraction will serve them well, and they would like us to join them."

Esme pulled her head up, forcing me to release it from grasp. I still held her in my arms. I was not ready to let go.

"They want us to go with them?" she asked haltingly.

"Yes," I replied, cupping her face, and running my thumb along her cheekbone. "They do not wish to leave us, but they would like to leave. By their count, the logical solution is that we go with them."

"How do you feel about this, Carlisle?" she inquired softly.

"Somewhat unsure," I replied honestly. "I would hate to part from them, especially after all we have been through," I said, as I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. For the moment, she was taking comfort in my attentions, and I was taking comfort in giving them. I would not stop until she told me to.

"However," I continued, "I admit to feeling like we need a 'home base', for lack of a more appropriate term, and with everyone else on this side of the world, I'm not sure I'm comfortable making that base in Europe."

Esme looked in my eyes for a long moment. Finally, she asked the most important of questions. "Do you think they will still go, even if we do not accompany them?"

I lowered my gaze from her beautiful face. I knew my words were going to hurt, and I did not want to see it. "Emmett did not say," I hedged, "but from what little he spoke, I gathered a certain level of desperation on the part of Rosalie. I would not be surprised if they did go, with or without us."

Esme nodded, and then I felt her fold herself back into my arms. With my hand, I tucked her head under my chin, and held her close. I could feel her harsh breaths against my neck, and I hated that once again, she was hurting.

Desperate for a way to ease her suffering, I placed a small, lingering kiss on the top of her head. In response, I got a sob from deep within the envelope of my arms, and her grip on me increased.

We did not move for some time.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I've gotten some feedback that people are frustrated by Carlisle's actions, so I tried to expand on his reasoning and perspective a little here. Also, just in case you were wondering, this is not the Wrath of Esme. This is just a preview... :) <strong>

**BTW, I read and appreciate all of your thoughts, and have already added and amended things based on what your response is. I know where I want this story to go, but your feedback lets me know how effective I am at getting us there. I never thought I would be one of those authors that begs for reviews, but... apparently, I am! **

**Let me know how I'm doing! :)**


	11. Chapter 11 Ready to Go Bella

Chapter 11 – Ready to Go (Bella)

It was some time before I heard back from Billy and Sue about using the venom.

Billy was not exaggerating when he said he had to think on it.

On the one hand, I was flattered to know that he cared enough to allow it to weigh so heavily on his mind, while on the other, I found myself frustrated that they could think I would be a threat to them.

But I admitted, if only to myself, that I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't be.

So I did what I could to prepare. I wallpapered the medical room where the birth would take place with large, poster size signs to help guide my vampire self, so that when I awoke, I would be reminded of what to do, or what not to do.

"GO HUNT: ONLY ON ANIMALS" was posted on the back of the door.

"CALL JAKE FOR BABY" was the reminder taped above the sink.

"DON'T BREATHE UNTIL YOU LEAVE FORKS" was fastened securely on the wall next to the door.

It looked ridiculous, but since I didn't have a vampire to guide me through this, I had to do what I could to guide myself.

Two weeks after our initial conversation, I officially got word from Sue that Billy had approved the use of venom, unable to find a better alternative.

He had some conditions:

1). Venom could only be used if my life was in jeopardy.

2). I must be strapped to the table to ensure the safety of Jacob, Emily, and anyone else who might be there during the delivery and transformation. He was concerned about me lashing out once the transformation began. Emily felt this would probably be a good idea anyhow, as I would certainly be fighting the pain of the C-section on instinct.

3). Jacob was to remove the baby from the house during my initial transformation. After I had changed, hunted, and gotten myself together, I was to call him, and we would determine if I could safely be around my child. Apparently, there was little concern I would be tempted by the wolves. It had something to do with the smell they always talked about. As yet, I didn't get it.

4). If I was tempted by my own flesh and blood, I would leave the Cullen property immediately in search of other vampires to help. Jacob would keep the baby there while I searched.

5). If I was ok around my child, and/or help was brought in to support me, I was to gather my child and possessions and leave immediately, never to return to Forks or the greater area. I was encouraged to stay in communication, but they would not risk having a vampire, however friendly, linger in the area. I understood.

So that was the basic plan.

* * *

><p>I spent the next few weeks working on logistics. I decided to relocate up near Vancouver, British Columbia. It was certainly far enough away that the pack would relax, but close enough that Jake could come visit if he wanted to. I had been there once as a child with Charlie, and I liked the idea of being in a place that had been special to us.<p>

Sue's friend who ran the special school in California had been flexible with us on repurposing my tuition, so I had some funds to begin with. It would seem that she happened to be staying with Sue when Leah first phased, and as such, she was fluent on our special circumstances.

I felt terrible for taking Charlie's money, but I was forcing myself to be a pragmatist. I couldn't go far with a newborn and no money, even as a vampire.

In looking for places to live out near Vancouver, I found the perfect spot. It was a small but well-maintained cottage on the edge of a national park, complete with a large backyard naturally fenced in by foliage. It would have been perfect. Alas, they were looking for someone to purchase it, and I had neither the funds nor the credit to accomplish that.

I settled instead for a small brick rental on the outskirts of town. I worried that it was still a little too close to the city for my liking, but my options were limited. The good news was that they accepted a month-to-month rental agreement, so if I didn't work out, I could move on quickly.

Hopefully, before I killed someone.

My plan had a lot of holes in it. For starters, when Charlie discovered that I'd never attended the school, all hell was going to break loose, and Sue and I were still trying to work out a believable scenario. The most likely one involved me running away.

That presented other problems, though. Charlie was a detective. He had access to information. It wouldn't be hard to find me, unless I was completely off the grid, and I really didn't know how to make that happen.

I also didn't know how to plan for the future. I mean, I probably couldn't just get a waitressing job and put my kid in the YMCA daycare like so many other teenage single mothers without a high school degree did. But I would need to work somehow.

All of these thoughts left me tossing and turning, even as my baby thumped happily, and heartily, from within.

Worrying about my plan did accomplish one thing, however.

It kept me from thinking about Edward, and how very much I was missing him. It helped me ignore the gaping hole that I felt blooming in my chest whenever I would stumble across something in the house that reminded me of our time together. It provided enough distraction that I could move forward each day, rather than lie on the sofa and weep, which is what the hole in my heart was anxious to do, if only I would acknowledge it.

I kept moving forward – planning, thinking, strategizing. Because much like treading water, if I stopped moving, I would surely drown.

* * *

><p>Another week passed, and at 15 weeks (30 weeks in human time), I was officially huge. Well, my belly was huge. The rest of me seemed to be disappearing.<p>

Emily had me on special protein shakes, which were easier for me to drink, but which I found to be gross. Truly. I wasn't sick, exactly, but I didn't feel right, either, and I simply didn't want to eat at all. I tried for the sake of my child, but it was hard.

I was also going stir-crazy locked in the house.

Without sunlight and regular human interaction, I was finding it increasingly difficult to prevent my mind from wandering down the painful road towards thoughts of Edward. _Where was he? Was he happy? Did he miss me?_ I found myself torn between a completely immature satisfaction that he was being punished for leaving me by missing the amazingness that was my pregnancy, and being so utterly sad about that fact that I almost couldn't breath for my despair.

I found a video camera in Emmett and Rosalie's room (which I chose not to think about too hard, because whatever they were doing with it, I definitely did not want to know!), and I started to leave a video diary for Edward.

I showed him my belly, zoomed in so he could see the baby's kicks and punches, and walked him through the plans I had made for myself and for our child. It was like my own therapy, and it was the only way I could think of to keep him involved.

The only problem was that I ended up in hysterics after every video log.

I wanted to talk with him. To place his cold, beautiful hand on my belly, and see his face light up when he felt Lil'M grace us with a monster kick. I wanted him to hold me and sing me to sleep. I wanted him to rub my sore feet and aching back, and to be there with me, planning for the future of our child.

I wanted him to see the evidence that he had a soul, and to be there as he realized that the very best of it was currently residing safely in my belly.

I loved my pregnancy, as weird as that sounded, even as I hated it. And each time I ran a caressing hand over the place where my child lay, I thought of his father, and felt a little piece of me fracture at not having him here to experience all of this with me.

Every day saw me one step closer to motherhood, and it found me more and more desperate to have Edward back with me.

I was making myself mad.

I needed to get out of the house.

Knowing that Charlie was miles away on a fishing boat with Billy, I called Jake and asked him to come get me.

"Jake," I said, almost begging, "I need a jailbreak."

"Bella, you know that's not a good idea," he said in return, but I could tell he was wavering.

"I do know, Jake," I said calmly, "but if you don't spring me from here, I think I'm going to go mad. Really. Please, please… we can go anywhere you like, but I have got to get out of here for a little while."

I wasn't begging. But it was close.

A deep sigh. "Ok, fine. I'll be there in a few."

I loved that kid.

Jake ran over in wolf form, and we decided to take my truck, since his Rabbit wasn't quite finished, and wasn't super reliable.

We got out of town quickly, and headed to Port Angeles. Because he loved me, Jacob took me to the bookstore there, and let me browse for a long time. I gathered a few novels to help keep me busy back at the Cullen house, and then moved over to the pregnancy aisle.

I found a book that was entitled, "Final Preparations for Baby." It was essentially a series of checklists, with an explanation for each. Some were not relevant to me: I did not need to pack a bag for the hospital, for example. However, the lists on "What to have in your diaper bag", "How to be sure you're ready in the nursery", and of course, "Clothing to get you through the first three months" caught my eye. Before Jacob knew what had hit him, the books were in the car, and we were headed to Babies R Us.

I thought I had been nesting before, but apparently, that was just a twinge. The second I walked in, it was like my brain exploded. Rational Bella left the building.

I bought a new car seat, even though Sue had procured a perfectly good one for me. This one was top rated in safety, and so of course, I had to have it. I chuckled as I thought of Edward. I felt like I was channeling him in that moment. If only they made Volvo-branded car seats.

I bought clothes – so many clothes. Pink little dresses and onesies that seemed way too small. Blue overalls and sleepers with trucks on them that were too cute to ignore.

I did have a minor breakdown in aisle five, however, when I got to the "Farmer's Barn" nursery set, which was placed alongside of the "Wild Safari" themed display. With fat tears running down my face, and great sobs that caused Jake to come running from two aisles over, I took a small stuffed lamb, and a larger plush lion, and gently placed them in my cart. Wherever my next life took me, and my baby, I intended to keep these two with us.

The lion may have fallen in love with the lamb. But whereas in real life, the lion would take off for greener pastures, in my cart lay a lion that would be with his lamb always. At least he would if I had anything to say about it.

Jake didn't understand. He didn't need to.

* * *

><p>$600 later, we were back on the road to Forks.<p>

I was physically worn out from carrying all this baby weight, and emotionally just as tired.

I loved Jacob for being with me on this adventure, but with every day that got me closer to my due date, I found the ache for Edward grow stronger. _He should be here for this!_ We should be laughing about our little lion and lamb, not having minor meltdowns to the great concern of the staff and patrons of Babies R Us. _Oh, Edward_, I found myself thinking, _please come back. Please get back here. I need you. We need you. I miss you… _

Jake was stealing glimpses of me as he drove, and when I finally let out a small sob that had been tickling the back of my throat for awhile, he moved his hand to comfort me.

Looking over at me as he did so, he began softly soothing me, "Oh, Bells."

He didn't get any further, as in an instant, everything changed.

There was a doe, small and petite, standing directly in our path. Deer in the headlights, personified! He swerved the truck, aiming so the truck collided with the doe on his side – protecting me, always protecting me.

There was a great crash, a moment of incredible stillness, and then in slow motion, I could feel myself moving. I didn't even realize what was happening until it had already happened.

Jake was screaming at me. I couldn't process it. All I could process was that I felt good. I felt strong. I felt better than I had in months.

I felt Jake's hands on my shoulder, pulling me back, pulling me away, and he was still screaming, gesturing wildly. He words were muddled, like he was in a tunnel. I could see him, but I couldn't quite focus.

Until it all snapped back. Harshly, quickly. I snapped back to reality.

A reality that found me on my hands and knees on the asphalt, near the front of the truck, leaning over the doe. She was dead. But she had been bleeding. And from the blood I could see on my hands and feel on my face, I had been drinking her.

I stared at my hands for a long moment. Jake's words finally started to break through the muddiness.

"Christ, Bella," he was ranting, screaming, "what the fuck! Get up, you've got to get up! No one can find you like this! Bella! Bella!"

I raised my head slowly to him. His eyes were wild, frantic.

Just like I felt. Only I also felt so calm. So very calm. It was strange that I could feel both simultaneously.

"Jacob?" I asked brokenly, my voice barely a whisper. I could taste the blood in the back of my throat.

I wanted to gag. I wanted more.

"Get in the car right now, Bella! Now!" he ordered, pointing at my side of the car. "We have to get out of here. Now!"

Still stunned in my horror, I could only stare at him.

"Bella, now!" He moved towards me then, and roughly pulled me up to my feet. When he saw I wasn't really able to process everything, he dragged me by my arm back to the truck, picked me up, and placed me on the bench seat. He slammed the door, and made his way around to his side.

"Jesus Christ, Bella," he was still ranting, "What the hell was that? What were you thinking? I mean… ugh!"

I sat beside him, processing.

I had just drained a deer. Well, not exactly. It was broken and bleeding, and I had taken what I could from it. _Huh_.

My brain was revolting. _Road kill, Bella! You drank road kill!_ My brain was screaming in disgust and anguish. I could feel my stomach churning as it debated whether to keep that which I had just consumed.

My body, on the other hand, was almost singing. I felt so good, so strong, so powerful. I felt like my heart was working better, my eyes were seeing more clearly, my hearing could pick up more. I felt a bit high, actually.

I stared straight ahead, trying to make it all come together. I, Bella Swan, just drank a deer. Kind of. The girl who had always passed out at the mere sight of blood had just willingly and forcefully sucked blood from a furry animal dying on the side of the road. _UGH!_

But it happened without a decision being made. It happened in a blink. There was no conscious thought involved. In fact, I hadn't realized it was happening until it was almost over.

_What did this mean?_

_Was I turning into one of them already?_

_Why wasn't I more freaked out by this?_

I had to assume that this is why my body had been unenthusiastic about food of late. Lil'M wanted blood. I found myself wondering – _if I drink more blood, will I be able to take in more food?_ It would probably be good for me to fatten up before the C-section/transformation. _Where, then_, I wondered, _would I find more blood_? Certainly, the previous method couldn't be reproduced.

Immediately, my mind flashed to the refrigerator upstairs with the bags of blood. _Could I have those? Could I drink those? What would Jacob think? What would Emily say, if she needed blood and there was none left to use to save me?_ As I sat there contemplating it, I knew instinctively that nothing would keep me from it. I would drink it.

I felt the shift in me, and I knew, I was already further down the path towards becoming a vampire than I thought. I would be a vampire at the end of this. I would. And I would be enjoying that blood for the next five weeks.

Stealing a glance and Jacob, who had stopped screaming, but was breathing heavily and looked shocked and panicked, I wondered if I shouldn't keep this revelation to myself.

* * *

><p>I was alone a good bit over the next couple of days. I think Jake needed some space to deal with what had happened.<p>

To be honest, so did I.

On the one hand, I was absolutely overwhelmed by what I had done, and what it meant. Contemplating turning into a vampire, I never really thought about the logistics. I never thought about how I would hunt, and what that would really involve. I never considered how strong that instinct must be, until I found myself succumbing to it without thought, without hesitation.

Sitting in Carlisle's comfy office chair, surrounded by his vampire essence, with fresh memories of my first "kill" lingering in my mind, I wondered how on earth I was going to do this?

And I was angry, suddenly. Violently angry, at Edward. _How dare he leave me to figure this out alone? How dare he leave me with no protection, no information, no instruction? How on earth was I going to navigate this new world?_ There were seven Cullens all working together, and still they struggled, even with Carlisle's four hundred years of experience, and the gifts that Edward, Alice, and Jasper brought to the table.

_How could I do this! _

Needing an outlet for my anger, I stormed to the make-shift nursery in Emmett and Rosalie's room, grabbed the video camera, and left some angry thoughts for Edward about the state of things. About the mess he left for me to clean up. About what had happened on the road with the deer.

I hoped some day he found this. I hoped he knew what he had done. I hoped he felt every struggle, every pain, every heartache as I poured it out in front of the little camera. I wanted him to feel my fear and despair, and to know that he was responsible. _He abandoned me when I needed him the most! _

And then my anger burned out, and I was back to quiet sobs as I begged him, pleaded with him to come home. _Help me, Edward. Come home, and make this okay! I need you here with me!_ My pleas were almost lost through the hopeless sobs. I didn't know if, or when, he might ever see this, but I took some comfort in my one-sided conversation, all the same.

* * *

><p>Back in Carlisle's chair after my tantrum, I found myself surveying the room, making notes, planning, always planning. Because alongside the fear, grief, and despair, I felt emboldened and empowered by what lay before me. And after screaming and crying my way through the moment, I cleared the way to assess the positives.<p>

I knew that I had pain unlike anything I had ever experienced waiting for me. I knew that it was only weeks away. But looking at the subtle strength, passion, and beauty found in all the nooks and crannies of Carlisle's office, I felt myself almost excited for this new start.

I would no longer be weak.

I would no longer be a victim.

I would no longer be guided, bullied, and coerced by others into a direction that I might disagree with.

I would be on my own, but I would be in control of my destiny, and that of my child's.

And I found that, as scary as it was, I was excited about that. I was eager to stand strong and proud, and prove that I could be the vampire that no one wanted me to be, and I could be the mother to the improbable and left behind child. I knew I had it within me to make a great life for my child and myself.

I sat up a little straighter knowing that through my isolation, I was becoming my own person.

And with that thought in mind, I left the office, went next door, and helped myself to a bag of blood.

I didn't tell Jacob.

I didn't ask Emily.

I drank it because I wanted it, and my baby needed it. I didn't need permission or the approval of anyone.

I was, however, still keeping my new habit a secret. I mean, one doesn't change entirely overnight.

* * *

><p>Week 16 found me once again curled up in Carlisle's chair, reflecting on my life up until this point. I had finished my autobiography, and I was glad I had accomplished it. It would be a wonderful gift to myself, and to my child.<p>

As I read it back, though, I noticed a few things. My life before I moved to Forks, all 16 years of it, took up about the same amount of space as the past 12 months had. So much had happened in such a short time. It seemed like I had known Charlie, the Cullens, Edward, Jacob – all of them – for much longer than a few months.

I also noticed that even with everything that had happened, my descriptions of the Cullens were laced with longing and appreciation for their kindness and uniqueness. I was surprised to find that there was very little bitterness in my tale, even at the end. I saw how very much I loved them in the words I wrote, and I found myself surprised at the things I felt it was important to remember.

Carlisle's scarves – I always wondered why he wore them, but he always did. Even at the baseball game.

Esme's softness – her body was just as hard as everyone else's, and yet when you hugged Esme, you hugged a down comforter. How did she do that?

Emmett's eyebrows – he could convey an entire range of emotions, from lewd to anger, with his two little eyebrows. They danced up and down his face all day.

Rosalie's hands – her face was often impassive or unimpressed, but her hands revealed her inner emotions. Without realizing it, she would often wring them, ball them into fists, pick at her nails, or drum her fingers on the table. She spoke her mind with her hands.

Alice's walk – Alice never walked. She danced. She floated. Once or twice, I swear she flew. But she never walked.

Jasper's jaw – always clenched. Always so sharp. Barely moving when he spoke. So strong and hard, and immobile. I thought I had a better understanding of why that was now.

Edward's everything. I wrote about his hair, his hands, his smirk. The shift in his eyes when he was angry, frustrated, or confused. The twinkle and glow that would appear when he was surprised or delighted, or when he was up to something mischievous. His whole world was in his eyes.

I wrote about the way it felt when he said he loved me.

When his body showed me he loved me.

I wrote about the security of his arms around me, and the stillness in the room when he would leave in a flash. I wrote about the way his music would sink into my soul, and his quiet musings would touch something deep within.

I wrote out his soft warnings to me at the beginning. And then his harsh warnings to me later on. And how I could literally see him physically fighting with himself over touching me. In every memory, even the best ones, he struggled with something. Inner demons. I wished I knew how to chase them away.

As it turns out, they would chase him away.

And I wrote about that, too.

And everything since.

Looking back over my autobiography, I was pleased at the life I had lived.

I had loved. Unquestionably. I had been loved. Gently and tenderly, by far more people than I realized, until I took the time to really think about it.

I wished for a different ending, but was comfortable in the knowledge that I had lived my time well. It was more than many could claim.

Putting my tale down on Carlisle's desk, I scanned his room. So many memories. It made me wonder – vampires have perfect memory, so why did he need all of these things?

I came up with the answer that even vampires need ties to their life, their loved ones, their memories. I found myself wishing that Carlisle had shared more of his memories with me.

It also made me wonder why he left so much behind in his escape.

I glanced at a large painting that I remembered from my first visit to this house. He had started to share stories that day, before work called him away.

Looking at it though, something struck me as off.

It had been on the other wall.

A different painting, one with Carlisle and three vampires from Italy, had been in this spot. I understood why he took the original painting away – several items of importance had been taken in their hasty move.

I didn't understand was why he would take the time to move this painting into its place. Why not leave it where it was?

I studied it for a minute, and found myself up and approaching the art. I looked at it closely, and saw nothing of significance about it. Why was this moved here?

Unable to stop myself, I pulled the painting down from the wall, intent to move it back and to see if it made a difference somehow.

As the painting fell to the floor, so did my jaw.

Behind the painting was a safe. A large safe, built into the wall. It ran almost to the floor. It had a four digit electronic combination lock on the front face of it.

I stood there staring at it for awhile. It would make sense, I guess. They had valuables to protect. They might need cash in a hurry. They had secrets that would expose them all.

I found myself wondering… what if there was something in there that could help me? What if their contact information was inside? What if the missing pieces to my puzzle lay just beyond that door?

I sat back in Carlisle's seat, thinking of possible combinations.

Edward's birthday.

The year Edward was changed.

The year Carlisle was changed.

The year Esme was changed.

I thought about my options, and kept coming back to a date. A date would be of significance to Carlisle, and to the family.

While Edward's personal dates were of more interest to me, I decided that was not as important to Carlisle or the greater family. I felt certain it had to do with Esme.

I went back over to the safe.

Edward was changed in 1918, and Esme was changed three years later. 1921.

_Could it be?_

With shaking hands, I punched in the numbers.

A red bar appeared. ACCESS DENIED flashed along the control panel.

I thought about it again. What other dates did I know? I knew when Emmett had been changed, and I knew when Alice and Jasper joined them. But those dates didn't seem right. I kept coming back to Esme.

Carlisle would certainly have selected something that had to do with Esme.

I decided to try spelling her name with the keypad.

E-S-M-E translated into 3763. I punched it in, holding my breath.

ACCESS DENIED, accompanied by the red bar, lit up the keypad in response.

_What else? What else? This was Carlisle. I knew this man. What would be important enough to protect his secrets, his family?_

After a moment, it hit me with such certainty that I didn't even hesitate. 1-9-2-3.

The safe door popped open with an electronic click.

1923 had been the year that Carlisle and Esme married, and when they began masquerading as a family.

I pried the safe door open, and upon seeing the contents, realized I had to sit back down and re-think everything. My plans had just changed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hope this helps for some of you who wanted clarity on her feelings about Edward... <strong>

**Am always happy for reviews. And I do reply!**


	12. Chapter 12 Ready to Go Carlisle

Chapter 12 – Ready to Go (Carlisle)

Eventually, Esme and I did get off the floor.

We didn't make it far. We crawled into bed together for the first time in several weeks. For a time, we simply clung to each other as we pondered the choices that needed to be made, and the paths that lay before us.

Neither of us knew what we wanted.

Neither of us was pleased with any one plan.

Both of us really wanted to call everyone home, rush to Forks, and drag Bella away, kicking and screaming if need be, to get our family back on track.

And yet, we both recognized that was impossible.

It was too dangerous, especially now that we had left. Bella would be moving on with her life, and the Quileute would have lowered their guard. Our return now would be perceived as antagonistic at best. Not to mention that our quick exit had left for sullied reputations and gossip galore. We would find ourselves in the spotlight for sure, should we return.

So we lay there, wrapped around each other, trying to find our way.

Eventually, we made love for the first time in weeks.

It was tender and gentle, as we both tried to heal the wounds of our words and the pain in our hearts through soft whispers and delicate kisses. Though much was unresolved between us, it was a way for us to come together and find the togetherness that had been missing. With Esme's arms and legs clinging to me as I cupped my hands underneath her head and moved within her, I felt a measure of healing, and the reminder of the immense love that was always uniting us. With every thrust, gasp, and cry, we sought to bind ourselves to one another once more. We weren't seeking fireworks or an explosion of our need in our coupling, but rather the slow burn that would mend our fractured hearts and let us move forward in tandem. Our union ended with a powerful, yet quiet completion, as we acknowledged that we would work harder to care for each other.

It would be easier to bring the others home if we provided a solid foundation for their return.

And then we rested some more, still clutching each other as we basked in the afterglow of our love reunited and revisited.

"Whatever else happens, my love," I whispered into her hair as I delivered a soft kiss to the top of her head, "wherever we may go, I will always love you. I will always need you, and you will always come first. I'm sorry that it hasn't seemed as such. You are my world, Esme. I just wanted you to know."

She raised her head slightly, leaning over to give me a gentle kiss on my chest, right where my heart lay within. While snuggling back into the crook of my arm, she replied quietly, "I know, Carlisle. You are mine as well. I'm sorry I lost sight of that. I'll work to be better, I promise."

"Be yourself, my love," I replied, running my hand down her arm, "for that is all I need. I have confidence the rest will follow in time."

I felt a gentle nod, and more snuggling.

We were quiet then, as if going through the motions of sleep.

I think we both knew that beyond our bedroom lay a reality that would end our gentle peace.

* * *

><p>Days passed. We had requested some time from Emmett and Rosalie to consider our choices, and they were waiting patiently as we tried to decide on our next move.<p>

Well, with as much patience as Rosalie can muster when she wants something.

At Esme's suggestion, we sought the advice of the others.

After leaving a message for Edward, we were left waiting for several days for a response. I was concerned that his lack of answer also indicated a lack of awareness. I wondered if he was feeding properly? Was he still adhering the animal lifestyle? I hated to doubt his abilities, but he had been so distraught, so disheveled when he left, that I was really concerned that he had lost all sense of himself.

When he finally returned my call, it seemed as though he was almost eager to place more distance between us. I tried not to be offended, but I admitted to myself that it stung a bit to find my first child, my longest friend, and my confidant through the ages so anxious to find me abroad and further from him.

"I think it's a very good idea, Carlisle," he said with a measure of eagerness I had not anticipated. "I think the change of scenery would serve everyone well."

"Hmmm," I replied. I had not expected his easy compliance. "You don't think you would wish for the family to be closer to you? I had hoped you wouldn't stay away indefinitely, son," I pushed, secretly looking for a different answer.

"Carlisle, I am content here for now," he said in mild reproach. "I am not anxious to leave, so it would be foolish to plan your schedule around my travel plans. Besides," he added, "I have always believed that when it's easy enough to keep Rosalie happy, it's worth the effort to do so."

He sounded a bit weary as he said, but I knew the truth of his sentiment, all the same.

Still, it bothered me somewhat. "Uprooting ourselves and moving to Germany is not exactly simple, Edward. It's not without bother. Especially as I am uncomfortable with everyone being spread so far apart. When will we all have the occasion to see each other again?"

"I would be traveling via plane either way, Carlisle," he replied. "Whether to Germany or New York, it matters not. But again, it's not something I intend to do anytime soon. I encourage you to go. Enjoy yourself. Make Rosalie happy. Keep Emmett busy. Distract Esme. I think a trip will accomplish much."

I sighed. All of his points made sense. Why, then, was I still so reluctant?

"Well, thank you for your insight, Edward," I said, steering us away from that discussion. "How are you finding things down there otherwise?"

"Fine," he said shortly, and I could tell the conversation was nearing its end. "I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy the weather. I enjoy the solitude. I am fine."

He didn't sound fine.

"Son," I began, only to have him cut me off.

"I have to go, Carlisle. Thank you for calling. I look forward to hearing about your travels."

Edward," I tried again.

"Give my love to Esme. Goodbye, Carlisle," he finished in a rush before hanging up.

Even in his darkest days, it was rare for Edward not to enjoy our conversations. With a bruised heart, I found myself seeking the comfort of my wife.

Assuming she was willing to provide it. I was pleased to discover that she was.

* * *

><p>Our call with Alice and Jasper was similarly unsettling, albeit for different reasons.<p>

It didn't take much prodding to learn that they were both still struggling with the grief and guilt that had driven them from Ithaca only a few short weeks ago.

"I've made some progress, Carlisle," Alice chirped in her own unique way. "I've gotten some information to help me put the pieces of my past together, and am making progress. Though I admit, the reports are a little unsettling."

"Is there anything specific you'd like to share? Anything I can assist with from here?" I did enjoy research, after all. And a good puzzle was always a wonderful way to stimulate the mind and provoke the senses.

"Thank you, Carlisle," she replied, "but I'm not quite ready to bring others in yet. It's been a bit of a challenge to learn what I have, but I'm enjoying the hunt all the same. It keeps me busy, too, which is nice."

Her voice trailed off after her last sentence. It concerned me.

"Alice," I asked gently, "has Jasper been helping you in your search?" She had yet to mention him on the call.

"Not really," she replied quietly. "He's been coming and going. We, ahh, we have trouble staying together for more than a few days because of all the emotional overload, so when he's around, I try to focus on just enjoying that time, and I work on the research part when he needs a break."

"Wait, he's not with you right now?" I had never heard of them being apart for any length of time. Since I had known them, they had been nearly inseparable .

"Not right now, no," she replied sadly. "But don't worry, Carlisle," she said with a little lift to her voice, "he never goes far. And never for too long. It's just how it is right now. We'll work through it, I'm sure."

I sighed. My little pixie always had a knack for finding the positives. I was glad to see that hadn't changed.

"Well, I'm certainly glad to hear it," I replied. "You know, Alice, either of you are welcomed to come back home any time. Whether as a break, or for good – we'd love to have you, either way."

I could hear the wistfulness in her voice as she replied, "I know, Carlisle, I do. And I appreciate it, really. So does Jasper. We are just, well, we're just trying to find our way right now. We're doing okay, so I think we'll stay down here for awhile, if it's all the same to you."

I nodded, and then realized she couldn't see me. "Of course, darling," I said softly. "Take whatever time you need."

"Thank you," she said. "It looks like you'll soon be empty-nesters, huh?"

I startled at that. "What do you mean, Alice?"

"Oh, well, maybe it's nothing. But I saw a vision on Rose and Emmett hunting black bears in Germany. But maybe that's not right?" She sounded unsure, but I suspect it was more because she was worried about upsetting me than over doubt in her vision.

"Yes," I confirmed, hoping to ease her mind, "they have expressed an interest in going abroad. Actually, that's one of the reasons I'm calling. They have invited us to go with them, and Esme and I wondered if you had any thoughts on that?"

"Hmmm," she replied, distracted. After I moment, she continued, "Well, I don't see anything in my vision to indicate that you two are with them, but that could just be because you haven't decided yet," she explained. "But personally, I think it sounds like a great idea!"

"You do?" I was not expecting that. "Wouldn't you like us to remain close by, so that we might visit regularly? I mean, it's much harder to get to Germany, after all."

It really wasn't, but I was grasping at straws.

"Don't be silly, Carlisle. I think it would be a great adventure for you all. I'm sure everyone could use some frivolity after the last several weeks."

"Would you and Jasper entertain the idea of joining us?" I asked. Somehow, I would feel better about going if they were with us. The family wouldn't feel so fractured.

She hesitated. After a pause, she replied, "Maybe in a few months. We are just, well, we're just trying to pull ourselves together again, Carlisle, and I'm not sure that the big family bonding would be helpful. We are still hurting – our wounds are still fresh. And we're struggling to manage all of that. I can't imagine that the rest of you are any better, and so, for now, I think we need to remain where we are."

I sighed. It made sense. I just didn't like it.

"Fair enough, Alice," I replied, suddenly feeling very weary. "Let me know if you change your mind. We would love to see you both."

"I will, Carlisle," she said gently. She knew I was disappointed. "Take care of yourself, and give my love to Esme."

"Indeed. And much love to you, Alice. And to Jasper as well. Please tell him, won't you?" I worried that poor Jasper didn't know how much he was cared for.

"I will," she replied. "Good night."

"Good night, sweet girl," I said as I hung up.

It would seem that Esme and I were free to do as we wished.

If only we knew what that was.

* * *

><p>As was inevitable, Rosalie's patience wore out only a few days later.<p>

Esme was in the kitchen working on food preparation, while I was in my study doing some research on new technology in the field of laparoscopic surgery when Rosalie and Emmett requested our presence in the living room.

Emmett had a somewhat sheepish expression on his face, as though he was already slightly apologetic about what was happening. Rosalie looked determined.

"Yes, dears?" Esme said, coming to sit down on the sofa next to me. I put my arm around her shoulder, and gave a sigh of relief as I felt her lean into me. We had been working on communicating with touch, as our words often failed us of late.

"We are ready to leave," Rosalie said without preamble, crossing her arms over her chest and standing front and center in the middle of the room.

Emmett eased up beside her, and cupped an arm around her shoulders. She gave him a scowl, but didn't shake him off. "What Rosie means," Emmett said smoothly, trying to help manage the tension, "is that we know you've been considering our invitation to Europe, and we'd rather hoped you were planning to join us."

Ever the diplomat. Except, of course, when he wasn't.

Esme and I exchanged looks. We were no closer to reaching a decision than we had been a week ago. We been thinking of little else, but neither of us knew what we wanted to do.

Rosalie huffed at our gesture, correctly interpreting our lack of decision-making.

"No, Emmett," she stated firmly, "what I mean is… I am going to Europe. Emmett is coming with me. We are making plans, and wish to know if we should include you. We're at the point now where we're ready to go."

I sighed, running my free hand through my hair and then turning to look at my wife.

"Esme?" I asked.

She looked back at me, long and hard. She was no closer to an answer than I was, and I could see her getting frustrated at me for putting her on the spot.

"Carlisle?" she replied, with a mocking tone. She wasn't going to let me pass this to her.

Rosalie huffed again.

"How about this," Emmett interjected, clearly trying to keep Rosalie from expressing her mounting frustration with us. "Why don't you two join us for a few weeks on vacation, just vacation, and see how it goes? If you are enjoying yourself and find the change of scenery helpful, well, then you can stay, and we'll figure out how to make the move permanent. If not, well, then you come home. That's what people do at the end of vacations, right?"

I took another look at Esme. She seemed undecided, but less uncomfortable than she was just a moment ago.

"Just for a vacation?" she asked to me, as though the thought never crossed her mind.

To be fair, I hadn't considered it that way either.

"Hmmm," I thought aloud, "I suppose we could do that. I mean, it might take me a few days to get time off of work, since, in theory, I would be returning here" I mused aloud. "But I think I could be comfortable trying a vacation," I finished with a question to my tone. I was looking to my wife for her thoughts. "Esme?"

She nodded for a moment without speaking. "I think I could feel okay about it as a vacation," she said finally. "I'm not ready to move," she finished quickly, as though she wanted us to be very clear on this point.

It was my turn to nod, and then, just to confirm, I asked, "Are you certain, my love? We can always join them later if you are not."

She paused a moment, and then nodded again. "Yes, I think so," she answered quietly.

We both turned to face Emmett and Rosalie then. Emmett was beaming. Rosalie looked pleased. In large part because she had gotten a decision, I presumed. I suspected Rosalie would be fine with or without us in tow.

"Can you work us into your plans for a couple of weeks, Emmett?" I asked. "Knowing, of course, that we are unable to commit beyond that time frame?"

He nodded enthusiastically.

"Sure thing, pops," he said with a smile. He was goading me. I did not enjoy being called "Pops."

"We are beginning in Paris," Rosalie interjected, almost as though she was daring us to argue. We did not.

"We'll spend a few days there before we need to hunt, so then we'll drive toward Munich. There should be plenty of places to feed along the way," she explained. "I'd love to go by way of the Swiss Alps and maybe spend a night or two in Zurich, so we'll take the more southern route, which is much more scenic anyways. Plus, it should be fun to drive," she said with a small smile.

Even her small smiles were lovely. I wish she would smile more often. Emmett was usually the only one who could pull smiles out of her.

"We thought we'd then set up the house there. That would be a good point for you all to take off it you intended to, or Esme could stay and help me with plans for the house, if she was feeling up to it," Rosalie added.

Esme nodded. "I would enjoy that, Rosalie," she replied. "Let's see how we do after a couple of weeks, but it sounds like a lovely plan. It's been some time since I've been to Paris," she finished softly.

I gave her shoulders a squeeze. "I would love to spend some time in Paris with you, my love," I said softly. "It might be just what we need."

She smiled at me, a warm, genuine smile. For the first time in months, I didn't see anything other than love reflected in her eyes. "You are a romantic fool, Carlisle," she teased.

I smiled widely at her in return. "Perhaps I am. But you are the only one who brings it out in me," I whispered in her ear. "Let me take you to Paris, and explore the streets at night looking at the lights, the stars, the people… Let me wander up and down along the Seine, holding your hand and absorbing the gentle sounds of the water lapping at the sea wall. Let me cuddle with you at a street café, and dance with you all night to the sounds of Paris. It would be heavenly, my dear, to experience Paris with you again."

If she could blush, I knew she would be. Her eyes were downcast, but her smile was wide. Her hands fidgeted with my free hand, twisting my ring, and fingering my palm. She was imaging it, just as I was.

"It sounds lovely, Carlisle, truly," she said quietly, bashfully. "I should enjoy being in Paris with you very much."

I felt a wide smile overtake my face, as I leaned in and kissed her soundly on the temple. "Then we shall make it so," I said with certainty.

I looked up then, remembering after a moment that Emmett and Rosalie were still standing there.

Emmett had a joker's grin on his face, and Rosalie looked a little dreamy for a minute, but when she saw me glance her way, she rolled her eyes and walked off.

Emmett and I chuckled as we watched her depart.

"I'll book the tickets, Carlisle," Emmett said. "You get the time off of work."

"Thank you, son," I said with a smile. "I can't remember the last time I went on vacation."

He laughed. "Yeah, that's because you always get out of 'Spring Break'. One year, I'm going to make _you _repeat high school, and then we'll see how it is."

His words were intended to be teasing, but instead they reminded me of our children, far away and definitely not in school nearby. I felt the smile slide from my face, and the heaviness return to my chest. I heard a deep sigh from Esme, and knew her mind had gone to the same place mine had wandered.

I tried to give Emmett a smile, but it came out more as a grimace. He nodded, understanding at once.

"I'm off to play travel agent," he said, trying to lighten the mood on his way out. It didn't work.

* * *

><p>Getting time off of work proved easier than expected. The only hitch had been the hospital annual gala, which was during the time when we would be gone, and I had been expected to attend. The outpatient surgery center hosted several doctors who were on staff at the hospital as well, and they had been insistent upon introducing me around.<p>

Normally, I enjoyed those things, especially with my lovely Esme dressed up at my side. But I much preferred the idea of being in Paris with Esme by my side.

Rosalie and Emmett had arranged everything. It was a unique experience for both Esme and me to be managed so completely. In some ways, it was nice. In others, it was rather unnerving.

The day finally arrived for us to depart, and I found myself excited about the upcoming opportunity. I looked forward to some time with Esme where we weren't clutching our grief and spinning ourselves in circles trying to find answers that just wouldn't come.

Esme, on the other hand, seemed to get more and more anxious as our departure date approached.

When I asked her about it, she would brush it off, or change the subject. She was fine. Everything was fine. Which, of course, meant that nothing was fine.

We hired a driver to take us to the airport. Even with as much wealth as we had, it seemed ridiculous to park at the airport for an indefinite amount of time.

The ride there was quiet. Emmett tried to engage everyone a few times, but Rosalie was absorbed in her travel book, Esme was staring out the window, deep in thought, and I was watching Esme, trying to figure out what was going on with her. Poor Emmett quickly pulled out his iPad and found a game to keep his attention.

We unloaded the bags at the terminal, and made our way through the airport. My wife was silent, and fidgety. I was worried for her, but afraid to push her.

Our plane began boarding, and we rose to join the first-class queue.

We were in line for only a minute when Esme finally turned to me. She had a look of panic on her face. She grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of line. Emmett and Rosalie held our spots. Emmett and I exchanged a worried glance as Esme dragged me away.

"Darling, what is it?" I asked, concerned for the worry in her face. "What has been going on in that head of yours?"

She choked back a sob. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. Truly, I am. I would love to go dancing with you in Paris. I would love to walk along the Seine and see the lights, and do all of that," she said clutching my arm with all her might. "I would love to, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can leave. Not right now. I'm, oh god, I'm so sorry," she said, officially sobbing, though her eyes remained dry.

I pulled her to me, and cradled her closely. "Shhh, darling, shhh," I soothed. "It's alright. We don't have to go if you don't want to. We can stay here. Please, Esme, please don't cry."

I rocked her gently, and ran a hand down her hair to try and smooth away her hurt. She clung to me tightly. In as much as I was disappointed not to be going, I was glad to have her need me in this way.

"Esme," I continued, once she had settled down a bit, "Are you sure? I will happily stay here if it eases your worry, but I want to be sure, as Emmett and Rosalie will be disappointed. Are you quite certain?"

I felt her nod her head against my chest. "I cannot bear to leave the others behind, even if I know it's crazy," she said weakly. "I really don't think I can go."

I kissed the top of her head, and whispered, "Ok, my love. It's all okay. Let's go let Emmett and Rose know, and then we'll head home and talk about it some more, okay?"

She nodded. After another minute together, she pulled away slightly. She looked up at me, and said softly, "Thank you for being so understanding. I'm sorry that I'm such a mess."

I leaned down a little so I was at her eye level. I wanted to be sure she really understood me. "Esme, you will always come first. The only reason I cared about Paris was because I wanted to spend time with you. We can do that in Ithaca. We just have to make the effort. Will you make the effort with me?"

She nodded. "Yes, my darling. I promise."

I gave her a small smile as I replied, "Then Ithaca sounds just as good as Paris to me." I gave her a little wink, and she gave me watery giggle in return.

"I'm sure the Parisian tourist board would not agree, but I appreciate the sentiment. I love you, Carlisle." she finished firmly. "I hope you know how much."

I smiled at her. "I do. And I love you too, my sweet. Let's go home."

With that, we went home.

Emmett and Rosalie went to Paris.

Alice was correct. Esme and I were empty-nesters.

We hated it.


	13. Chapter 13 Timing is Everything Bella

**Chapter 12 – Timing is Everything (Bella)**

Jacob, Sue and Billy arrived moments after I called them over.

I was still in Carlisle's study, seated in "my" chair, as I had grown to think of Carlisle's desk chair that I had been all but living in, and staring at the files before. There was so much potential, and yet, it also seemed so overwhelming suddenly.

"Bella?" Jake called from downstairs. "Can you come down here, or should I haul Dad up there?"

I lifted my eyes to the safe, and figured they would need to see it to believe it.

"Bring him up here, Jacob, if he doesn't mind. I think you're all going to want to see this," I said.

There was a minute or two of shuffling, as Jake brought the wheelchair to the top of the stairs and then went back down to retrieve Billy. I could tell that Sue was trailing behind them. Billy rolled into the office first, and I saw his eyes widen as he took in my discovery. Jake and Sue were soon to follow.

"Gracious!" Sue exclaimed. "How much do you think it is?"

She was talking about the money. Stacks and stacks of cash. Lining the far wall of the safe, going back at least three rows, and standing about 3 feet tall.

"I did a quick estimate, and I'm guessing a little more than $2 million in cash," I said nonchalantly. "There are bearer bonds, too, but I don't know anything about all that."

Billy let out a low whistle. Jake uttered "_damn_" under his breath. We all just gazed at the ridiculous treasure I had found.

"Obviously, this changes everything," I began, "assuming we feel comfortable using it." It was a statement, but there was a question there. I wasn't sure how I felt about taking the Cullens' money, and I wasn't sure how the others would feel either. And I would need their participation for my newly devised plan.

"What do you mean, 'assuming we use it?'" Jacob asked, looking at me like I was crazy. "Of course we're going to use it. I mean, you're going to use it…. I mean, well, you know what I mean!" He was still staring at the money.

I shrugged at him, and turned to Billy and Sue, who was perched behind him. "What do you think? I mean, is that… right?" I had plans for that cash, but I was on unsteady ground ethically.

Billy and Sue exchanged a look, and then Sue asked, "Well, Bella, normally, I would agree that taking something that doesn't belong to you is wrong. But we are presented with special circumstances here, and I think that, depending on your intentions and motivations, there may be reasons to make an exception, don't you?"

I nodded, but still felt unsure. "Yes, that's what I've been telling myself. I mean, seeing all this, I have a new plan – things that could make all the difference in my future, and the future of my baby," I said rubbing my belly softly, "but can I really steal from the Cullens? It just feels wrong, whatever the reason."

Billy spoke up then. "You intend to use what you need of this money to protect and provide for the child, correct?" I nodded. "Then how is that different from what you are doing by squatting in their house and using their things? You don't feel guilty about staying here, do you?"

I shook my head and shrugged. "No, not really. I mean, I don't really have a choice. They left me with no other choice."

"One might argue," Billy said thoughtfully, "that the same reasoning extends to this money. If they were here, would they not take care of your needs, and the needs of the baby, presumably?"

"Presumably," I agreed, "although given the way they left, I'm not sure I can say that for sure," I said with a small trace of bitterness.

But even as I said it, I knew – Carlisle, Esme, Alice – they could never walk away from this baby, this child. I doubted Edward could, either. In as much as I was angry at him, I suspected that he would be overwhelmed with love for his child, even as he struggled to make sense of it.

"Think of it as an unusual form of alimony, or child support," Sue said with a smirk. "A large, one-time payment."

So I did. I thought about it. I wasn't going to by a necklace or a boat. I was going to set the foundation for myself and my child, as well as buy myself some time to figure how to be a vampire. And a mom. And a mom vampire to a half-vampire baby. I mean, really, I needed all the help I could get.

I nodded. "Okay. Assuming we are all comfortable with taking what we need from this," I gestured towards the safe, "I have some things I think I need your help with. I'm not really very mobile right now, and I also need to stay under the radar."

They nodded. "What did you have in mind?" Billy asked warily.

"Well," I began, picking up some files I found in the safe, "the Cullens have left quite a paper trail for me. Some of this may not be useful, but some of it could be."

I opened the first file. "Here, we have a stack of property deeds. Cars, houses, oh, and even an island,"  
>I added with a smirk. "In total, there are about 40 cars spread over the world, and about 25 properties, not including the island," I stated. "I have addresses listed here. My question to you is, do you think there is merit in trying to track them down, given the number of locations and the very limited amount of time we have left before Lil'M makes his appearance."<p>

They all looked at my belly. All three simultaneously frowned, both in thought, and in concern.

"Well, I certainly wouldn't ignore the information you have there, Bella," Billy began, "but I guess I'm wondering if it might not be the most time-efficient activity. I mean, no one really has land line phones anymore, so I'm not sure how we'd verify that they are residing in each of the properties, short of actually going to check," he paused, glancing at Jacob, "and I'm fairly sure we don't have time for that, even with a wolf at our disposal."

I nodded, agreeing with him while feeling disheartened. "Yeah, especially since they are all over. Europe, South America, Asia, Canada – they aren't just in America. It seems like a scavenger hunt we don't have time for. Maybe we should just call all the numbers that are provided with a quick internet search, and then let it go if we don't get anywhere."

They nodded in agreement. I set the file aside, picking up the next one in my pile.

"This file holds a greater interest for me," I began. "It contains a spreadsheet with what looks like a list of identities. Various names for each of the Cullens, including countries of origins and passport numbers. I'm not sure why they would keep this, unless it's to fall back on in case they get separated or something."

"How does that help us, Bella?" Jake asked. "It's not like we can trace their passport or something. At least not without involving Charlie, which I think we've all agreed we don't want to do."

"No, the names themselves aren't so helpful. It's more the knowledge that they have multiple identities, and that somehow they must have obtained the appropriate paperwork to support the other identities. And I think," I said, as I plucked a business card that was paper-clipped to the inside of the file, "that this guy is the one who helped them get the right documentation. Jason Jenks," I read aloud, as I flapped the business card in their faces.

"What are you suggesting, Bella?" Sue asked, skeptically.

"Simply that I can run from Forks all I want, but even with a boatload of cash and vampire speed, I'm bound to be discovered by Charlie once he realizes that I'm not at school in California. That is, unless I have a new identity."

"Besides," I continued, seeing them look at me with questions on their faces, "Lil'M will need some proper documentation, and it's not like I can submit for a birth certificate the normal way, right?"

Billy had a frown on his face, probably pondering the grief his old friend would experience when he realized that his only daughter had disappeared. Sue looked thoughtful. Jake was nodding.

"Right, I get it," he said enthusiastically. "You get a new passport for yourself under a different name, and a birth certificate and passport for Lil'M, so you guys can leave the country without a trace."

I nodded. "Also, news IDs combined with excess cash" I said as I waved at the open safe again, "will allow me to get a house and a car and set up checking accounts and credit cards and such without leaving a paper trail for Charlie to find."

We all looked at each other for a minute, and then Billy asked, "I think, Bella, that all of this sounds reasonable, if your theory about Mr. Jenks is correct. However," he paused and shifted in his seat, "you may need to wait to begin all of this planning until after the birth and transformation, because you'll need photos to go with any paperwork, and, well, we don't have one for the child at all, and you will most likely look at bit different as well. It could delay your leaving Forks," he finished.

I hadn't thought of that. Hmmm.

"Is that something that the tribal elders would allow, Billy? For me to stay on until I had the right paperwork to leave? I imagine we could pay for a 'rush fee' to speed up the process. It may not be more than a few days extra."

He looked thoughtful. Glancing at Sue, he finally answered. "I think if we could show intentions to get you relocated quickly, we could buy some additional time."

He paused for a moment, then continued uncertainly, "I wonder, Bella… What would you think about Sue or myself purchasing a car and a home for you, using some of this cash, and then once you have proper documentation, we could transfer over deeds to you under your new identity? That way, we can be making progress even without your paperwork. Would that be alright with you?"

I looked at him like he was crazy.

"Billy, are you concerned that I wouldn't trust you with the money?" I asked incredulously.

He ducked his head a little, and then looked up sheepishly. "It's a lot of money, Bella. I'm an old man, and even I've never bought a car in cash, let alone a house."

I got up from my chair, and walked over to him. With no small amount of struggle, I maneuvered until I was on my knees in front of him, my stomach touching his knees as I leaned so I could make eye contact with him.

"Billy," I began as forcefully and sincerely as I could, "everything I have, everything I am, everything I become, is in thanks to your help and support these past few months. I might have died in the forest if not for your help. I certainly couldn't have handled this pregnancy without your guidance and support. The pack may have slaughtered me in Jake's garage weeks ago without your interference. I trust you with my life. I trust you with my child's life. So I certainly trust you with everything in that safe."

I continued. "All that money in there – it means nothing to me by itself. It is a means to an end. And I hope that once I am safely away and starting anew, you, Sue and Jacob will free to take whatever is left and do with it as you need. Fix your roof. Build a new school on the reservation. Whatever. If you can help me start over, the rest of it is immaterial. Consider it a handling fee," I said with a wink.

Billy was blushing a little bit. "You've been easy to handle, Bella," he said softly.

"Nonsense, Billy," I said with a little chuckle. "We both know that I've asked you more than once to compromise your beliefs and the security of the reservation to help me. If I make it out of this successfully, you will have earned every penny of whatever's left in there. If the Cullens come back and have a problem with that, they can speak to me. I have plenty I'd like to say in return!"

He gave me a smile then, and patted my hand. "We'll see, Bella, we'll see."

I sighed. I knew he would never take the money, but I wanted him to understand what his help, his sacrifice meant to me.

With a little help from Jacob, I pulled myself back into a standing position, and moved back over to my chair. With my belly being as big as it was, I really couldn't stand for very long.

"Alright, then," I said to speed things up, "I vote we purchase that great house outside Vancouver, and forfeit my deposit on the little brick townhouse. It will make hunting easier, and I like the idea of being farther away from civilization for awhile." I dug around on Carlisle's desk until I found the paperwork.

"I'll handle it," Billy said, taking the file. "What kind of car do you want?"

I thought about it. "Something with 4-wheel drive for the winter. Something big enough to handle a car seat and all the rest of the junk that babies need. Other than that, I don't care."

"Color?" Billy asked with a chuckle.

"Don't care, Billy. Something safe." And then, because I couldn't help myself, I said, "Maybe a Volvo SUV."

Jacob rolled his eyes. Sue smiled at me. Billy missed the joke.

"I'm on it," he said instead.

I gave Jake the task of calling around and contacting Jenks. I wasn't up for it.

* * *

><p>We left the safe open, and people came and went, took what they needed, and no one kept track. Even after the house, the car, and the fake IDs were purchased, there was still more money in that safe than we knew what do it with.<p>

Jake brought me a duffle bag, which I loaded with stacks of bills. That would be my travel money. It was heavy – about 200 lbs, according to Jake, so we estimated that there was a little under a million in there.

We put it in the baby's room, along with the other items I would be taking me with me. I had my bag, with some clothes, personal mementos, and my autobiography and the photo album I had made tucked safely inside. I had a bag for the baby – one pink, one blue, depending on what Lil'M ended up being. The new car seat was installed my new brand new car (registered to Billy), while the old one sat in the corner with a few other things I wasn't planning to use. Whatever I didn't take, Sue would return or give away.

In the medical room, I had a bassinette, as well as some diapers, bottles, and bath supplies for the little one. There were also a couple of blankets and outfits. A pre-packed diaper bag stood at the ready, so Jake could make a quick exit with the baby if he needed to.

The bottles had a mixture of blood and soy milk in them. I had discovered that the further I progressed in my pregnancy, the less able I was to handle dairy. It smelled gross. It felt gross. It was gross. But soy milk was ok. And I figured that the baby might be part-vampire, but it still needed to grow. So we were going to try a combination and see how that went. We could always adjust if needed.

I continued with my video diary. I wanted Edward to know how prepared I was. I wanted him to see what I had managed to accomplish on my own. I was scared shitless, to be sure, but I was also really proud of everything I had planned. I felt ready.

Well, as ready as one can be for this kind of thing.

I also decided to leave a trail for the Cullens, so that if they ever returned, they could find me, if they wanted to. I left them my pregnancy log and research. I wrote Edward a note. I wrote Carlisle a note. I decided to videotape the C-section, so they would know how it all ended, and if I survived, I would leave that, along with my video log for Edward, as well.

I wanted them to know all that I had done to prepare for my child, our child. Edward's child. Carlisle and Esme's grandchild. The niece or nephew to Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie.

And I wanted them to also know that when they left, the wolves stayed. The wolves protected me and supported me when they deserted me. I couldn't help but need for them to know that, too.

Time was ticking. At 18 weeks, everything had been done that could be.

We were ready.

* * *

><p>Lil'M's birthday arrived with a whisper.<p>

Jake had wanted to stay with me the night before, but I wanted that time to reflect.

I closed my eyes in sleep for the last time. I dreamed of Edward and me together in the meadow for the last time. I woke up sobbing, crying for him, for the last time.

I called Charlie and Renee, and tried to memorize their voices, their little inflections, and I pictured the way their faces would look while they laughed and chatted with me. I wanted to remember it all.

I ate my last Pop-Tart, and drank my last Diet Coke.

I shaved. Everything. I didn't want to be prickly for all eternity. It was a bit tricky with my giant pregnant belly, but I managed.

I spent some time talking with Lil'M about what was going to happen. I didn't know if he could hear me or not, but I didn't want him to be scared. I wanted him to know what was going on. And to be honest, it was reassuring to me to run through it all in my head one more time.

I drank a bag of blood to settle my nerves. I was pleased to see that there were still 6 bags remaining. That should be enough to feed the baby in my absence. If not, well, Jacob was a werewolf. I was sure he could work something out.

With a gentle knock on the front door, I heard Sue, Emily, and Jacob arrive. Billy had decided not to join us. He may have agreed to this course of action, but he hated it.

Everyone looked nervous, myself included.

They entered the study, and all three of them looked me over with an appraising eye.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" Emily asked.

"Okay," I answered quietly. "Nervous."

All three of them nodded, still staring at me from across the room.

I stared right back.

Suddenly, I wasn't sure I was ready to do this.

I started to panic, and felt myself struggle to catch my breath. In a flash, all three of them were by my side, trying to calm me. I felt claustrophobic with them surrounding me.

Finally, Sue took control, barking out orders. "Emily, go prepare the room," she ordered, turning to look at her. Emily moved back, nodded, and stepped out of the room.

"Jacob," she turned to him next," go wait in the other room. I want to talk to Bella for a minute." He looked unsure, and glanced my way. I gave him a nod, still struggling to get a hold on my panic. He backed out of the room slowly.

Sue rounded on me, then, leaning down so that she was at eye level with me. "Bella," she said softly, placing a hand alongside my neck, cupping the back of my head, "sweetie, keep your eyes on me. Follow my breathing."

She took a great inhale and then exhaled it dramatically. I mirrored her. We repeated the action for several minutes, our eyes staying locked on each other the whole time. Sue gave small words of encouragement between breaths, one hand holding my head firmly, and the other grasping my outstretched hand. Finally, I felt myself coming down from my panic. I was exhausted.

She leaned forward and gave me a small kiss on the forehead. Pulling back, she asked, "Better?"

I nodded, keeping my eyes on her.

She gave me a small smile, and then asked, "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

I closed my eyes, counted to ten, opened them, and replied. "Yes," I was certain, though my voice was weak and shaky. "I've done everything I can to get ready, and there really isn't any other choice, is there?"

She shook her head, smiling sadly. "No, sweet girl, I don't think there is."

I nodded. "I'm ready. I know I can do it. I'm just nervous."

"That's perfectly natural, Bella," she reassured me. "I would be concerned if you weren't."

"It's going to hurt," I stated weakly, my eyes pleading with her to tell me that I was wrong.

"Yes," she agreed, softly, dashing my hopes. "It is. But that's inevitable, any way this happens. There's always pain during childbirth, no matter the circumstances."

I nodded. "And it's worth it, right?" Again, I needed her to confirm it for me.

"Yes, sweetie, it is," she agreed with a bigger smile. "There is nothing as wonderful as being a mother."

"I can tell already," I said softly, looking to my protruding lap and running my hand over my baby bump lovingly. "I can't imagine loving him any more than I do, and I know it's only the beginning."

She nodded. "It's true. There is nothing like it."

We sat quietly for a minute, and then I whispered my darkest confession.

"Sue," I said, "I… I wish Edward were here with me." A sob broke out at the end, as I confessed the awful truth.

"Oh sweetheart, I know," she said, pulling my head to her chest and holding me close, even as I remained in the chair. "I know you do. I'm sure he'd be here if he could. He will hate that he missed this." She ran her hand down my hair, trying to smooth away my worries.

"He would be so proud of you, Bella. You've been so strong. So brave. And you've been fighting for that baby of his since day one. I know he would love to be here with you, too."

Her words made me cry. She held me for a few minutes while I let it out. My last human heartbreak. I wondered if that hurt less as a vampire. It certainly didn't seem possible that it could hurt more.

After a moment, I calmed, and she pulled back from me.

"Bella, if you are sure about this, then I think we should move to the other room." She said firmly. "Delay will only increase your panic, and that's not good for you or the baby. I think we should get this over with, don't you?"

I nodded. It was time.

Gently, she helped me to my feet. As we moved to exit Carlisle's study, I gave it a final glance. I wondered if it would still feel the same when I came back as a vampire. If it would still feel so… Carlisle-y. Talk about someone else I wished was with me right now.

I sighed, and left, shutting the door to Carlisle's study behind me.

* * *

><p>Entering into the medical room, I was surprised to see that Emily and Jacob were both sitting on the examination table, waiting for me. The room was ready. Bright lights burned from above. There was a side table with the bassinet and baby supplies, as well as a small container in the sink, ready to be used to wash the baby. There was another table with the surgery tools and vials of venom. There was a bucket at the floor, which I assumed was for the afterbirth. Emily had promised to get it all out, as I didn't want to be the only seemingly-pregnant vampire for all eternity. The video camera was on a tripod, off to the side. Sue had agreed to manage it for me.<p>

The room was freezing, and yet I was sweating profusely.

Without a word, Emily and Jacob moved from the table, and all three of them helped me get up there.

I had worn black stretch pants and one of Emmett's sweatshirts, which were just about the only things that would fit me these days, and I had a black sports bra on underneath. With an eyebrow raised, Sue made a small motion to lift the sweatshirt. I took a deep breath, and then gave her a nod. A moment later, it was gone.

They situated me on the table, using the sweatshirt to prop my head some so that I could see a little bit of what was happening. My bruised belly blocked most of my view, even still. Emily had installed industrial fabric Velcro straps near my shoulders and upper thighs, to hold me still. There were also cuffs for my wrists and ankles. Jacob and Sue worked to tighten them, as Emily cleaned my belly with iodine. It looked awful. It smelled even worse.

I was terrified.

As they stepped away from the bed, Emily approached again with syringe in her hand. I looked at it questioningly.

"Morphine," she said quietly. "It takes a few minutes to work, so I thought we'd start there."

I nodded, turning my face away so I wouldn't see the needle go in. I felt Jacob grab my hand. I also heard a humming sound, and realized that Sue had started the video camera.

Once the morphine was in, we all sat in silence and waited. My eyes found Sue, and when they did, she leaned down and kissed my forehead again. Her free hand came up and smoothed the hair around my temples. "It will be alright, Bella," she whispered softly, lovingly. "I know it will."

I nodded, but couldn't find my voice.

My eyes moved to Jacob, holding my other hand. His face looked tortured.

"You promise you'll do it?" I asked, needing to hear him say it once more.

His voice cracked as he whispered back, "Yeah, Bells, I promise." Clearing his throat, he said "Emily and I have been practicing. We're a good team." He gave her a little smile, which she returned.

My eyes moved to her. "What did you practice on?" I said with a little chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

"Cantaloupe," she replied with a small giggle of her own.

We all looked at my belly, which resembled an overgrown pumpkin more than anything else. As we all stared, a sharp movement bubbled to the surface, right above my belly button. It looked a lot like a foot to me.

I went to soothe Lil'M, but couldn't move my hand, as it was strapped in.

Perhaps understanding my intentions, Jacob leaned forward, and ran his hand gently over the place where the baby had kicked.

"Don't misbehave, buddy," he said softly, "We're coming in to get you, and I don't want to welcome you to the world by putting you in time-out for hurting your mama!"

I gave him a watery smile. "I love you, Jake," I said, choking on a few little sobs that slipped out, "thank you for everything."

He gave me a small smile back, and said, "Thank me in three days, Bells. That's when I'll really need to hear it."

I nodded. The movement made my brain feel fuzzy.

I must have groaned, because Emily leaned over to look into my eyes. "You're starting to feel the morphine now, aren't you?" she asked.

"I think so," I replied. "I feel dizzy."

"Yup, that's the morphine," she said. She attached two little sticky heart monitors to my chest, and then wrapped something around my belly. When I looked her in question, she commented, "It's a heart monitor for the baby."

I nodded. "Fair enough."

We all stood still another minute, and I felt myself drifting a little. I wasn't sleeping exactly, but I was having trouble focusing. Things were blurry. The lights were too bright. I wanted to close my eyes for a minute. Maybe two.

"Bella," I heard Emily say, as I struggled to find her with my heavy eyes, "I think it's time to begin. Ok?"

"Yes," I said softly. I might have been slurring a little. "Emily," I said softly, "thank you for helping me."

She came up and spoke softly in my ear. "It has been my pleasure, Bella. Sam and I have been trying to have a baby for years, so I know what it means to see your child safely into the world. I'm happy to help. And I'll do everything I can to see you safely on the other side, one way or another."

I nodded. "Thank you," I said again.

She smiled, and then turned to Jake. "Jacob, why don't you move on into the hall and go ahead and phase. Once we get started, things will move pretty quickly." He nodded.

Looking at me, he gave my hand a final squeeze, and whispered, "Good luck, Bells." Then he left the room.

"Keep your eyes on Sue, okay, Bella?" Emily asked. I saw her reach for something out of my peripheral. My breathing picked up, and I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest. _Holy shit, there was no going back now!_ My eyes flew to Sue, who had my hand in hers, and her other hand was placed on my forehead, both in comfort, and to keep me still.

I nodded, locking eyes with Sue. "Eyes on me, Bella," she said, "Eyes on me. That's it. You're doing great. Stay focused on me. Stay focused on my voice, and my eyes. You are doing so…"

"Aaarrghhh!" I felt the scream release from me as the sharp pain ran through me. My breath caught, my mind completely wrapped up in the agonizing pain. "Sue! Ohhhhh…arrrrrrggggghhhh!" I couldn't stop the sounds as they left my body, even as my hands clenched Sue's as tight as I could, and I felt the force with which she held my head down.

"Bella!" Sue's harsh command broke through my agony, "Bella! Eyes on me. Focus on me! Listen Bella, you are doing so well, so great," Sue was chanting loudly, trying to keep me focused on her, and not the blinding, breathtaking pain that I could feel clawing its way around my stomach. "Bella! Honey, look at me, focus on me!"

With everything I had, I found myself trying to concentrate on Sue. For my baby, I would look at Sue. For my life, I would do it. For Edward, our child, our love, our future, I would hang on and look at Sue. In desperation, I found her again, and we worked together to help me through the pain.

I could feel sweat pooling underneath me on the table. I could feel it running down my face along with the hot tears that were streaking down my checks as I tried to hold back my screams. My body fought the straps, the cuffs, but I couldn't escape. _It hurt so much!_

"Oh god, Sue," I screamed, choking through tears and pain and agony, "oh god, make it stop, it hurts! It hurts so much!" My sobs were loud and heavy and deep. In the distance, my heart monitor was going crazy.

"Hang in there, Bella," Sue chanted, never looking away, commanding me to stay focused on her. "You can do this! You can definitely do this!"

And then I heard Emily shout, "Jacob, get in here!" from above my screams and pants.

I saw his shadow move into the room, and I felt the warmth from his wolf body as he moved towards Emily, slowly and with measured steps. My eyes never left Sue, but I knew what was happening.

It was confirmed a minute later when I felt myself being further ripped apart, "Arrghh! Shit, Jake! What are you doing down there!" I was screaming more, my voice already becoming hoarse. "Hurry up, and get him out! Get him out now!"

There was another ripping, which resulted in more agonized screams from me, all the while Sue held me to her, chanting and encouraging.

"Jacob, phase back," I heard Emily direct. "Now! I can't hold the sac open and pull out the baby. I need your hands!"

In a flash the shadow was gone, and Jacob was at the foot of the bed. I could feel him there, even if I couldn't really see him. My vision was fading in and out. Black spots were dotting my view. I couldn't breathe very well, but I knew I had to hold on. I had to hold on for my baby.

"Fuck, Emily," Jacob said, "You want my hands _where_?"

"Here and here," she said, and I felt my body stretch further. Pain shot up my chest. I moaned loudly to keep in a scream. "Ok, Jake, hold it open, while I get the baby," I heard Emily direct.

And through the blindly pain, through the uncontrollable sobs and even through the chanting coming from Sue, I could feel it as the baby was lifted from me. I couldn't see, but I could feel the weight lift from my body.

"He's here, Bella!" Jake crowed, leaning around my belly to find me, "It's a boy!" he finished gleefully.

A Boy. A Boy! I had son! I was a mommy!

I laugh escaped, even as the tears and the sobs continued. "Please, Jake, please, let me see him," I choked out. I had to see him! I had to know he was real!

Jake moved over towards my head, with a gross, bloody, slimy, wiggly little bundle of baby in his hands. He was exquisite! His arms were splayed wide, as Jake held him up, and his little fingers were spread and grasping at the air. Sue moved her hand from my forehead, and reached behind her to grab a blanket. Extracting her other hand from mine, she wrapped my son in the blanket as she took him from Jacob. Gently, she wiped away the gook from his face, and Emily handed over the blue suction ball to remove the mucus from his nose and throat. A second later, he was screaming.

It was amazing. He was amazing. With my vision fading in and out, I couldn't really see him, but I could tell. I could tell he was amazing!

Sue leaned him forward so I could see, and say hello. His face was all smashed up and his eyes were pinched as he screamed. He was gorgeous. "Hello, baby," I cooed through my sobs. "Hello, my beautiful boy." Sue had tears in her eyes as she gave me a soft smile.

Emily, who had been down at the other end of me during our moment, interrupted the moment when she said, somewhat uncertainly, "Uh, Jake, I think I need you back down here."

My eyes flew to his. Sue's eyes flew to Emily's in question. "What's wrong?" Jake demanded.

"Get down here. I need your hands again!" Emily barked.

Jacob scurried over to her. Sue moved the baby to the bassinet, and wrapped him again. His steady cries were soothing.

"What is it, Sue? What's wrong?" I asked softly.

"I'm not sure," she replied, taking my hand again and trying to soothe me while also leaning forward to see what was happening at the same time.

"Put your hands back where they were, Jacob," Emily directed.

A second later, I felt another tearing through my body. I tried to keep my scream in, but I hadn't been prepared, and it escaped, "Uuuughhhh! What the hell are you doing?"

"Bella," Emily said firmly yet distractedly, as her hands worked beyond my view, "You aren't going to believe this," she paused, clearly focusing on something, "but…" and then her body moved back with a jerk, and I knew even before she said it, "there was another little stowaway in there!"

I gasped, not believing my eyes, as another pale wiggling mess made its entrance into the world.

"This one's a girl!" Emily cheered, a huge smile lighting up her face. She passed my daughter across my body to Jacob, who proceeded to hold her as she cut the cord. It took a few tries. Vampire babies had tough cords.

My daughter. I had a daughter. _Holy shit! I was a mommy…again! To a daughter!_

I laughed loudly, even as I felt my energy waning and my body burning from the pain of the last few minutes. "A daughter…" I laughed. "How is this even possible?"

Sue wrapped her up as she had done for my son, and sucked out her nose and mouth. She was _really_ screaming. She made my son seem demur in his cries. Sue and Jake came over to introduce me to my daughter, and all three of us were crying as we couldn't believe this second miracle. "Wow," I said, watching my beautiful baby girl wail her way into my heart. "She's so beautiful."

They both nodded. Jake picked up my son, and together, Sue and Jake let me gaze on both of my children. I was a mommy. I had a son, and a daughter.

I was consumed with so much love in that moment. They were everything to me. My whole world shifted on its axis. It revolved around them now.

I cried openly, as I took in their tiny noses and impossibly dainty lips. They both had dark hair, but I couldn't tell yet who they favored. But I knew they were mine. Mine, and Edwards. _Oh babies_, I thought, _I am so lucky to have you_. _One day_, I promised, _one day I will tell you all about the incredible love that made you, and the incredible love that brought you into this world today. One day…_

I felt my eyes drift closed at the thought of sharing my life, and my stories with my little ones. _What a wonderful time we would have!_ I couldn't wait to see them grow, see them learn, and watch them develop into their own little people. I drifted away with visions of my beautiful babies dancing in my head.

* * *

><p>I was jerked back to reality some time later when I felt it.<p>

The scorching, burning pain, which was tearing a whole through my arm and through my neck. It felt like I was on fire! I was burning alive!

It wasn't just my arm and neck then. It was everywhere. Everywhere!

I screamed, knowing the Sue and Jacob would hear, knowing they would help. Emily had morphine, and she could make it go away. I screamed louder.

No one came!

I couldn't see anything! It was dark and I was on fire!

_Where was everyone?_

I screamed for help. I screamed for relief. I screamed for the agony that I could not stop.

I couldn't move, and I didn't know why.

I couldn't see, and I didn't know why.

My body was aflame, the pain searing into every pore I had, running through my head and heart and soul like a wildfire, and I could find no relief!

_What was happening to me!_

I screamed until my voice was too hoarse to be heard. And then I screamed some more.

I tried to find a way out. Out of the darkness, out of the fire.

I chased myself in circles, trying to figure out what was going on. _It hurt so much! How could I think when it hurt so much!_

The agony gave way to something worse. It was consuming. All-consuming. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't remember. I couldn't do anything.

Other than be consumed by my pain.

It lasted an eternity.

It lasted three days.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, are you mad about it? <strong>

**I know everyone was rooting for Carlisle and Esme to make it back in time, but I have always felt this was something that Bella had to do on her own. Sorry! **

**Plus, it makes for a GREAT reveal down the road.**

**Also, I know sometimes the twin thing is cliche and ridiculous, but I did plan to do it from the beginning, as I think it will help with the story line later. I have my reasons. Also, it's always fun to have a sibling. :)**

**I should warn you that we're going to have a time lapse in our story coming up, where we jump ahead a little bit. Again, I want Bella to stand on her own two legs awhile, and I also think it's important for the Cullens to stew in their fractured family for awhile. But, the good news is that once we get past the time lapse, we will begin to move towards a reunion. **

**I hope you will stay with me for all the good stuff ahead, since you've been so brave in crawling through the trenches of heartbreak the last 12 chapters or so... :)**

**I appreciate all of your reviews. If you don't enable your PMing, I can't reply to tell you how much. So just know I'm thinking it!**


	14. Chapter 14 Timing is Everything Carlisle

**Chapter 13 – Timing is Everything (Carlisle)**

**1 YEAR LATER**

Our transition into living alone had not gone as smoothly as I would have hoped, but every day got a little easier.

Upon returning from the airport after our aborted trip to Paris, we talked at length about our feelings. For a long time, we simply talked. We had two weeks of "vacation time" and we used it to try to get back to us.

Esme spoke of her frustration at not being a part of the decision-making process when it came to our family. She spoke of feeling as though her voice was unimportant. She spoke of an aching maternal need within her which was no longer being met. She spoke of her desire to return to Forks and try and mend things with Bella. I listened, doing my best to understand her perspective. I didn't agree with it, but I did try to understand it.

I spoke of my absolute heartbreak at Bella's rejection. About how it seemed to burn more within me than so many others I had experienced in my long life. I wasn't entirely sure, even still, why the sting was so sharp. I spoke of feeling crushed by the unbearable weight of my decisions, and how the leadership I had always been so confident in owning now felt like a shackle that I would remove if I could. I tried to explain that as a sire to the bulk of our family, there was an innate need, instinctive and undeniable, to protect and defend, and that it often overrode other thoughts. There had never before been a time when the emotional needs of the family were different than the physical safety of the family that I could remember. At least not one that felt so drastic. And I acknowledged that I hadn't handled it well, but I was still sure than we had done what was needed at the time.

We were both worn, emotionally, from the events of the past several months, and we agreed to use each other for healing, instead of blame.

But there were difficult days, too.

We attempted to go to the hospital gala when we returned, but it proved a bad idea. There were many questions about our children and their adventures, and it was hard to discuss without being demonstrative in our grief. We left early.

Alice and Jasper came for a visit a few months later.

Jasper was only able to remain in the house for 10 hours before our collective emotions disabled him. He lingered in the surrounded woods for the remainder of their visit, and we would spend time with him individually.

Alice stayed at the house, spending hours locked in Esme's embrace, both of them seeking comfort to an unyielding grief. We also discussed Alice's past – I enjoyed my time with her, reviewing her research, praising her diligence, and commiserating with her on her findings. Her new reality was not a happy one.

They didn't stay very long, and their departure pushed us both back into a dark time. We struggled. We clung to each other as best we could, but we struggled.

I knew I would always love my wife, but there were days when I found myself struggling to like her. She seemed to have lost her soft gentleness, and her calming ways. She was often short with me, and regularly practiced avoidance as a method to curtail her frustration. I would have preferred the frustration.

I hated to be ignored.

Of course, she would say that I had lost my focus and compassion, and that I was stubborn and obstinate.

She was probably correct. But I would probably never admit it.

Edward had also stopped calling several months back.

As far as we knew, he hadn't moved locations, but he wasn't making any attempt at outreach, and was doing an admirable job of screening our calls. This, too, caused a rift between Esme and me. She felt I should go down and grab him by the scruff, drag him home, and work with him until he saw reason. I felt that he was a grown man who had suffered a loss, and was entitled to deal with it as he saw fit.

At some point, we simply stopped talking about him, as our discussions were getting us nowhere.

Emmett and Rosalie were, in some cases, the hardest to deal with.

They would call regularly, fill us in on their adventures, the interesting people they met, the new experiences they had, and how very much they were enjoying their time away.

It was selfish, to be sure, but it was painful to us both to see how easily they were able to move forward.

We would engage them on every call, laugh along and ask all the right questions, and then when the call was done, we would both retreat and grieve for our absent children alone.

Esme continued with the soup kitchen. She also rehabilitated a few individuals who were open to her kindness, and helped get them back on their feet. She was finding her way forward. I was impressed at her determination to make the circumstances work for her.

I stayed busy at the outpatient surgery center and walk-in clinic. I would occasionally cover shifts for colleagues at the hospital, and found it easy to get distracted with work.

After some time, Esme and I found a balance.

We were adjusting to just being a couple – something we had never experienced before, and there were some lovely things about having my wife all to myself.

Physically, our relationship was stronger than it had ever been. We used touch and lovemaking to heal the words that stung our souls, and to fill the gaps in our heart left behind by our departed children. Gentle touches and whispered kisses helped us feel human and alive.

She was my mate, and my world revolved around her.

I know that despite everything else, the same was true for her.

We would watch the evening news together when we could, and engage each other on global politics, history repeating itself, and the incredible change and growth we'd seen over the years.

We discussed global warming and environmental decay and what the long term ramifications of that might be for our kind.

We commiserated over her clients at the soup kitchen, and my patients in the clinic, and worked together for thoughtful, careful ways we could help those we came in contact with.

It was nice to have a true partner in looking at the world, without the influences of everyone else. It had been a long time since I had only one opinion to consider. I found it much more manageable.

We were not the same couple we had been 18 months ago, but as with all things, change was inevitable, and our evolution saw Esme stepping up to be a more dominant force in our relationship, and I was content to sit back and learn from her.

She had always been, and always would be, simply breathtaking.

* * *

><p>As I prepared for the annual hospital gala, I found myself listening to the gentle sounds of my wife in the distance. She was in the kitchen, working on giant pans of lasagna for the soup kitchen's nightly meal, humming a tune popular on the country western stations. I found the actual song grating, but her lovely interpretation was soothing, even two floors above.<p>

I couldn't prove it, and dared not ask, but I suspected that she purposefully signed up for this evening's shift at work so that she would not have to face all the questions and formalities that the gala would present. She had grown weary of such things.

I couldn't exactly blame her – they were not my favorite activities, to be sure. However, I did miss having her on my arm. She was a gorgeous woman, refined and polished, and I took pride in having her by my side. I wished that she would join me, but not enough to force the issue.

I looked in the mirror as I buttoned my shirt. Outwardly, I appeared the same as ever.

Inwardly, I felt each of my 400 years, and it seemed I had lived that length of time since I had been standing in this spot the year prior. We had endured a difficult time, my wife and I.

I thought about how things used to be.

Events such as this would be a regular occurrence, especially when we lived near major cities. It would not be uncommon to be in a tuxedo three or four times a month in some cases. As the dashing young protégée and his beautiful wife, we would delight attendees everywhere we went. And we would enjoy ourselves, because it was time spent together.

That number had dwindled when we moved to Alaska, and then Forks, of course, but working at the hospital, I still took a measure of pride in my appearance that I neglected now. Upon my move to Ithaca, I had traded in my French cuffed collared shirts for a more relaxed look – suits had become khakis and sweaters. In part, it was a cultural shift – it was simply more relaxed up here.

In part, it was because I simply found myself not caring.

With little left to do in preparation, I rummaged through my jewelry case, which was actually a simple oak box made by Franciscan monks and presented to me more than a century prior. It had traveled the world with me, and held some of my most precious treasures.

As I reflected on the contents now, I realized with a start that the cufflinks I sought were not present.

While not overly concerned with material possessions, I had been looking for my cufflinks with the Cullen Crest on them. I had been feeling sentimental all day, and had intended to wear them to remind me of a simpler, happier time. Each member of the family had jewelry with the family crest on it, and the symbolism of union was important to me. And yet, as I went to retrieve them, they were nowhere to be found.

I thought about the last time I had worn them. _Surely, it was the gala the previous year?_

Scanning back in my memory, I realized with a start that I was wrong – I had purposefully not sought them out, knowing that my crests were spread far and wide, and not clustered at home as it should be. I chose another pair to avoid the remembrance.

_When had they last been worn?_

It was so unlike me, or any vampire, really, to be forgetful, but I had been so distracted for so long that I often found myself trying to find lost memories of late.

With a gasp, I remembered. I had worn them the day Edward came to my office in Forks and demanded that we leave. As soon as I remembered, I could envision them – _they were resting on my bedside table in the house in Forks!_

With an ache in my heart that pushed me towards taking a seat on the end of the bed, I remembered.

I remembered coming upstairs after our painful family meeting that day, after holding Esme as she cried in my arms, and I remembered wearily changing from my work attire into jeans and a tee-shirt so that I would not damage my clothing as we began to pack up the house. I was distracted when Esme entered the room, her face mirroring my own in anguish, and I remembered hastily setting the cufflinks on the table so that I could go to her.

The image of my Cullen crests sitting forgotten and alone for over a year in that dark, damp house haunted me. I couldn't get them out of my head. _It wasn't right that they should be left behind!_ With every second that passed, I found myself desperate to get to them, desperate to scoop them up and bring them home.

It was irrational.

I stood with a start, and found myself pacing rapidly in my bedroom.

It was insane, and yet I found myself fixated on cufflinks half a continent away. _I needed them back! I needed to have them with me! _With all the family scattered, the only permanent sign of a Cullen family remaining was the jewelry that bound us. It suddenly seemed vital to reclaim them. _Immediately!_

I felt panicked. I felt unhinged.

I felt my limbs twitching with the need to go get those cufflinks!

I couldn't make sense of it, but I felt like I absolutely had no choice but to go immediately.

I knew it was crazy. Beyond logic, beyond understanding.

I also knew it was beyond control. I felt compelled, with everything in me, to retrieve my lost links to the family at once. _At once!_

With barely a thought or a second glance, I found myself running.

It happened so fast, I didn't even realize what I was doing until I was several hundred miles from home.

I was wearing a tuxedo, minus the jacket and tie, and racing through the forest. I was going as fast as my body would take me. I would not cease all night. I was not stopping until I got there.

I was a man on a mission, and my mission was Forks, Washington!

* * *

><p>Two days of sprinting through the wilderness gives a man some time to think.<p>

It was hours before I acknowledged that I was literally running across the continent for silver cufflinks.

It was several more hours more before I admitted that I had most likely lost my mind.

It was a full day before I pieced together the probability that I wasn't just returning to Forks for cufflinks.

And still I ran.

I didn't call Esme. I had no idea what to tell her.

I didn't stop to hunt or rest, or breathe.

I ran.

The trees were mere blurs, the ground barely underfoot, my senses focused on nothing more than getting there.

Getting home.

Piecing my family back together.

Beginning with some silver cufflinks. Or so I told myself.

I was vaguely aware of a change in temperature and humidity.

I became increasingly aware of the mountainous terrain.

I definitely noticed when the first trace of werewolf hit my nostrils.

I was close.

A couple of hundred miles outside of Forks, I hunted. I took down as much as I could hold, knowing that I had to try and regain my senses.

I felt like a wild man.

I'm sure I looked like one as well.

The steady, staid, respectable, professional, controlled Carlisle Cullen was struggling to find purchase within the crazed vampire that was in control of my body and emotions as I barreled my way towards our house in Forks.

Hopping over the small stream that indicated our property line, I felt myself slow.

The house looked intact, even as the yard was completely overgrown.

Everything looked as it should, and yet, I could tell instantly that something was wrong.

A scent lingered in the air around the house. It got stronger as I approached. With a groan, I fell to my knees as I recognized it instantly.

It smelled of blood. Bella's blood.

* * *

><p>Time seemed to slow, as I pondered the implications of the scent.<p>

Was this lingering from her injuries the night of the party? It was possible, but it seemed unlikely. Thought she had been hurt and bled, her bleeding had slowed quickly, and it had seemed contained.

This scent seemed fresher, more recent, and heavier, as though much blood was lost.

Still on my knees near the stream, I found myself chanting a prayer. It was simple, direct, and my most fervent wish: _please let her be well, please let her be well, dear Lord above, please let her be well!_ Over and over, until I felt myself calm and regain my poise.

The wild man tearing through the forest in search of cufflinks was gone. My head was back in the game, and I was determined to solve this riddle. In that moment, too, I knew – I would not be able to leave here without seeing her. Without knowing she was alright.

Finding my feet, I took a long look at the house, as I braced myself for what I would find inside.

With purpose, I moved towards the front door. Unlocking it, I was shocked at how powerful the scent of blood was inside the house. I felt the venom pool in mouth, even against my will. The house had been sealed tightly, and as such, her blood scent was overwhelming! _How had she survived whatever happened here?_

In trepidation, I entered my house, flipping on the lights, and quickly scanning the main level. Things appeared as we left them. The basket of video game controllers was in a different location. Surely_, she didn't come here to play Xbox?_ And even if she did, how would that have resulted in her bleeding so significantly?

Irreverently, I chuckled, knowing that Bella could injure herself doing much less than playing video games. The thought was a flash. Gone within a second of thinking it. Something important had occured here - I could tell.

I moved slowly to the kitchen, my senses still on alert, and my breaths still tasting Bella's blood in every pull.

It looked untouched, and yet, when I opened the refrigerator, I could detect a faint hint of produce. Had she been living here? What would have caused her to do that? I found that I my search left more questions than answers.

I moved with deliberation up the stairs. The smell of blood was getting stronger.

I peaked in Alice and Jasper's room. It seemed untouched, although I couldn't be sure.

Things seemed rumpled, messy, untidy in Emmett and Rosalie's room, but I couldn't be certain if that was unusual. We didn't spend much time in each other's spaces. Bella's scent was strong in here, but not her blood. _What could she have needed from in here?_

I moved to my office, and again, as I opened the door, I could smell Bella's essence everywhere. A living, breathing, beautiful girl had spent time in here. I could almost taste her on the air. I moved behind my desk, and knew instantly that she had spent time in my chair. _Why? What was she doing here?_

Things seemed in place, but upon closer inspection, I could tell that several of my books were in odd placements, and it would seem that the items on my desk surface were slightly misplaced. I didn't understand it, but for some reason, Bella had spent time in my office, at my desk. And she had been storing food in the kitchen downstairs.

I was overwhelmed trying to determine what had happened here. _Why had she been here? Where had she gone? Was she still alive?_ There were so many questions firing in my brain, and no way to know the answers!

I moved next door, and when I opened the door, the scent of blood hit me so hard that I found myself on my knees again, clutching my throat in agony. _Bella! Oh God, Bella! What happened? _My thirst threatened to break me, even as my eyes scanned the room for signs of distress.

There were none.

The room I had prepared for Bella, in case of injury or eventually transformation, had remained unused when we left Forks. She never even knew it existed. And yet, it was overwhelmed with the scent of her blood.

_I did not understand!_

Something terrible had happened to my baby girl, and it had clearly happened in this room. And yet, aside from the scent which permeated every surface, there was no trace of injury, of violence, of blood.

I rose from my knees, about to enter the room, when I had a horrifying thought. _Edward's room! That's where she would go! _She always sought his comfort when she was hurt or frightened. Of course, the answers would be there!

In a dash, I was up the stairs, bypassing my own room in an attempt to reach his. I swung the door open, and looked inside in shock. I had half-expected to find her curled up sleeping on his sofa, or glancing up from a book as she stretched on the floor.

What I found instead was….nothing.

Bella's scent was completely absent from this space. Dust lingered on the bookshelves and furniture. There was no trace of her!

_What did it mean?_

I took another step in, scanning for discrepancies.

Just as I was about to give up the search, I saw it.

There was a small envelope propped against a crate that held Edward's journals. It would have been hard to spot if I hadn't been meticulously searching for a trace of her.

Holding my breath in anticipation, I found my way over to the crate. Ever so gently, I picked up the card. I recognized her scratchy script instantly: _Edward_, was all it said.

I stood frozen in place, as I contemplated my next move.

This letter was not meant for me. It was probably private. I should not open it.

But circumstances seemed to indicate otherwise.

Edward was absent and unreachable. And Bella may be lying somewhere, injured and needing help.

_Besides, she may have been his mate, but I was her father, damn-it!_

Or at least, I could have been.

The thought unleashed a heartbreaking sob from deep within me, and I stood there and absorbed how very much I had hoped for that outcome. I had wanted her to be mine, ours! She had completed us, and without her, we were incomplete to the point of broken. The constant ache I felt for my scattered family bloomed into agonizing grief, and I found myself sobbing, loudly and violently, as I struggled with the full realization of my loss.

_Was she even alive? Was she still in Forks? What had happened to my baby girl? _

I couldn't get a handle on my emotions for many minutes. In the darkness of Edward's room, alone and vulnerable, I admitted to myself that we would never be whole without our baby girl by our side. _I would never be whole. _

With a renewed sense of purpose, I tore open the envelope.

"I find myself remembering our very first song," was all the note said.

I stared at it for a minute. I didn't understand.

Was it a code? What did it mean?

I flashed back through my conversations about Bella with Edward, and then in a blur I found myself over by his music collection.

Debussy! Clare de Lune!

I pulled the CD case from the rack, and looked it over. Nothing appeared unusual about it. Without delay, I opened the case, and was startled when another note tumbled out. I managed to grasp it before it fell to the ground.

It was actually notebook paper – several sheets of it, folded into fourths, so as to fit in the CD case. I knew it was not intended for my eyes, but I was determined to proceed.

With trembling hands that in no way resembled the seasoned vampire surgeon I was, I unfolded the papers and began to make my way through Bella's familiar script.

_Edward,_

_It maybe be only days, or centuries before you find this – or perhaps you won't at all. Regardless, I have a few things that I think you should know._

_Just under 5 month ago, you and I had our first night in the meadow. It was beyond everything I could have hoped for, and I find myself envious that my human memory will not retain it with the same clarity your vampire brain can. I want to remember us like that forever._

_5 weeks later, you took me for a very different walk in the woods. I will never forget the blank stare in your eyes as you callously broke my heart, and stole my family and my future. When I think about it, I still find myself hoping it was all just a nightmare that I will wake from soon enough, to find myself tucked in my little bed at Charlie's, with you perched in the rocking chair keeping watch._

_For a long time, I believed your words that day – that you did not love me, that I wasn't good enough for you, and that you were leaving to pursue more exciting distractions. I believed them, because I didn't believe in myself, nor did I trust myself to recognize the magnitude of our love. I was a young and naïve girl. I forgot that you were, in essence, just as young and naïve. The difference is, Edward, I am not a coward._

_Something happened, Edward. Something impossible, which gave me the courage, strength, and determination to see the truth of things._

_You said it would be like you never existed, but what you didn't know is that you left something precious of yourself behind._

_When you left me that day in the woods, Edward, I was pregnant._

_I didn't know it then, and wouldn't discover it for some time, as our breakup left me a shell of the girl you once knew. I lost all sense of myself, and I hate that I let you break me like that. But I found something to fight for – something to live, and ultimately die for. I found out that within me was proof that you had loved me, in the form of our child._

_As I write this, I am days away from delivering your son or daughter. It has been an unbelievable experience, and even though I am beyond furious with you for abandoning me when I needed you the most, I can't help but feel sorry for you, because you missed something so amazing, something that can never be duplicated. You missed my pregnancy, and you will undoubtedly miss your only child's birth._

_You denied yourself this experience, just as you denied yourself my love. I don't pretend to understand why, but ultimately, you will be the one to suffer the most for it. Your distractions cannot compare to the blinding love of being a parent – I know this for certain, and our baby hasn't even been born yet. It's beyond measure, how much I love him. I wish you could experience it._

_My pregnancy has not been easy, or traditional. I documented what I experienced and the information I found, knowing that you and Carlisle both would have been fascinated by all that has happened. You can find it in Carlisle's safe. I also left you some videos that might interest you. I don't think my words can fully explain the mess you left me to deal with, but the videos come close._

_Though I am excited for my impending motherhood, and regret nothing that has led me to this point, I think you should know that I will never forget what you have done, and I cannot fathom ever finding it within myself to forgive you either._

_You actions, and reactions, have left me to raise an inhuman child on my own, and have forced me to sacrifice my own life to do it. I will not survive this birth as a human, and I wouldn't survive it at all if not for the help of the Quileute. I want you to know this, because when you ran, they stayed. They stayed and protected me, and our child. They sacrificed their principles and their safety to insure mine._

_You impregnated me, left me alone, took from me the only doctor who could possible assist in saving me, as well as a mother to soothe me, a best friend to reassure me, a brother to calm me, a second brother to distract me, and a sister that I might finally have something to celebrate with._

_You also stole that from your child. He or she will never know grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or a true father, and that is something for you to own._

_They were your family, but not yours alone. You had no right to take them from me, and the only thing worse than you taking them is the fact that they let you. I still cannot reconcile that with the people I knew and loved._

_You once said you are a monster. I didn't agree then. I think I might feel differently now._

_All that being said, the fact remains that somewhere out there, Edward, you have a child. Whatever the year, I suspect your child is wandering the earth somewhere. I have made preparations so that should they encounter you, they will know you. You were not brave enough to love and keep me, but I hope you will be brave enough to try with your child._

_Should you wish to find us, the Quileute will know how to reach me. They are my family now._

_I challenge you to be the man I fell in love with, and find it within yourself to face your actions. Should you come, I will not deny you the right to meet your child – I would never want to deny him or her anything, including a father._

_I hope you have been happy in whatever you've been doing. I hope it was worth it._

_Just so you know, it was all worth it on my end. A child loved as much as ours is makes every heartache worthwhile in the end. And regardless of what you think, it takes an incredible amount of love, and a beautiful soul, to create something as wonderful as our child. Of this, I am sure._

_I know you have that beautiful soul. I've seen it, experienced it. Perhaps you've lost sight of it. I hope you will look within yourself and find it before you come for us. I don't want our child to be as disappointed in you as I am._

_Until our paths cross again,_

_Bella_

My breath left me.

I froze in place for several moments, processing her words.

* * *

><p>She had a child. She had Edward's child.<p>

_How on earth was this possible?_

It wasn't possible. It simply was not possible!

I had never heard of such a thing. In all of the years I have roamed this earth, I have never heard of anything like this. I knew of legends of vampires who sought to impregnate women, but the victims always died in the process. And they were only legends, with no empirical evidence to support them.

It couldn't be. _It simply couldn't be!_

The stillness of the house echoed the stillness of my body as I tried to comprehend this unbelievable news.

And then another thought struck me, crippling me.

_What on earth had Edward said to her that night?_

He told us that she was the one insistent upon us leaving, and yet, from the sound of things, Edward had left her? How had there been such a failure to communicate?

They were both stubborn, but I couldn't imagine that they would end their relationship over a misunderstanding.

I tried to make sense of it. I could not.

If Bella's letter was to be believed, it would seem that Edward had lied to us, which of course, he would never do.

_Would he?_

I thought back to that night. His behavior – I thought he was upset, but perhaps he was panicked? Desperate to leave? _But why? Why on earth would he do that?_

More memories returned. He had almost seemed relieved when Alice spoke of her vision of us all in Ithaca. _Why on earth would he have wanted to leave?_

He seemed just as agonized over the move as the rest of us. I couldn't imagine that was a performance. Which begged the question – if he didn't want to leave her, then why did he?

Questions and memories spiraled through my mind as I tried to make sense of this news. I could not imagine the truth of Bella's letter, and yet, why on earth would she lie?

The house smelled of her blood. Was that from childbirth?

_Oh god! Did she survive? Did the baby?_

I raced back downstairs to the treatment room, and flung upon the refrigerator door so hard that I pulled it off of its hinges. I couldn't believe my eyes.

All the blood was gone.

Three of the venom vials were gone.

_Oh, Bella… my gentle, loving, **human** daughter. What have you done?_

A new realization sunk in – Bella had attempted to survive her pregnancy through transforming into a vampire. I knew it instinctively upon seeing the missing vials.

What I did not know was if she was successful…

Without thought, I moved into my study, ripping away the painting that covered my safe. In a flash it was opened, and I again, my breath caught. My mind cataloged many things at once.

The cash had been depleted. There was almost nothing left.

File folders had been haphazardly placed back inside, but someone had clearly gone through them.

There were three notebooks, stacked, resting in the center of the safe. There was an envelope on top.

Slowly, never taking my eyes from the display before me, I moved to take the notebook and envelope from the safe.

The money meant nothing. The files could be addressed later.

I was frantic, hopeful yet terrified, of what lay waiting within the envelope.

Moving behind my desk, and resting in a chair that smelled so much of human Bella that I couldn't help but close my eyes and relish in it, I found the courage to explore what she had left behind.

I was surprised to see that the envelope was not addressed to Edward, but to me.

Trembling in anticipation and desperation, I cautiously opened the envelope and removed her note.

_Dear Carlisle,_

_I'm sure Edward has informed you of my news, if in fact, he was the one to discover it. I'm sure you have doubts about what I've told him, as you always told us this outcome wasn't possible._

_I would never normally disagree with you, Carlisle, but in this case, you were very wrong._

_I've carried a half-vampire child for nearly 5 months now. The baby is near full-term from what we can tell. I have had very unusual symptoms throughout my pregnancy which would confirm the paternity, should that be in question. I hope you know me well enough that you never doubted it, but just in case, I thought I would make it clear – there is no question that Edward is my child's father. I have documented my pregnancy, as well as the research I was able to do to confirm symptoms and predict outcomes. Knowing both you and Edward as I do, I feel certain that you will find it all very interesting._

_That being said, the primary purpose of this letter is to offer a confession, and a thanks._

_I've taken advantage of our previous relationship. It felt wrong, but I really had no other choice. Your departure left me with very few options that wouldn't result in the discovery of your secret, so I hope you will understand what I have done._

_I've resided in your home for the better part of 3 months, as I could not stay with Charlie and keep my pregnancy secret. I've taken funds and information from your safe to assure a new life for myself and my child. I've contacted your associate Jason Jenks, and name-dropped to get the IDs needed to conceal myself. I've revealed much about my relationship with you all to the Quileute, and I've invited several of them into your home on more than one occasion._

_While I wish to confess to my actions, I do not want, not will I accept any forgiveness for my actions. You left me without so much as a goodbye, and as such, I had to handle this unmanageable, unpredictable secret myself, using nothing more than my own judgment. I have had to lie to my parents and friends, and ultimately, I will break their hearts with my departure and death. I owe you nothing, and I seek nothing from you or your family. I simply wanted to be clear about the lines I crossed so that you could handle security and damage control on your end of things._

_I would also like to offer my thanks, albeit somewhat reluctantly. Your careful planning probably saved my life, and the openness with which your family always shared yourself and your lifestyle has been incredibly helpful as I've been navigating my unsteady course. I would have preferred to have your support, your love, and your presence during this difficult and terrifying time, but at least I felt well prepared._

_On a final note, Carlisle, I think I should make it clear that whatever your feelings for me might have been, I have loved every moment of being a part of your family. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was who I was supposed to be, with the people I was supposed to be with. My time with you all felt right. I had never experienced being a part of a family in the traditional sense, and I will take the positives from my time within the Cullen family and apply it in my own, somewhat less traditional family. I have learned much about love and care from watching you all with each other. Whatever the reality of it was, I felt loved and cared for as well._

_The last several months have been nearly more than I can bare, Carlisle, and I cannot tell you how many times I cried for my vampire family to return to and help me. You never came. You didn't say goodbye, and you didn't come save me like I secretly thought you would. I am so angry at you for that. I am also deeply hurt._

_I want you to know that I died to protect your secret, even after you snuck off in the night without a word. That is how much I respect my family, and how I honor the love I feel for you all._

_I cannot speak for how I will feel about you all after I become a vampire, but as I write this, I want you to know that I am so hurt, angry, confused, frustrated, disappointed, and furious with you all – but above all of that, I still love you so much that your absence brings tears to my eyes just thinking of you._

_I want you to know that you are loved, Carlisle, all of you. It's important to me that you know it, because I know how much it hurts to be unsure and uncertain, if you are, or were ever, loved by the ones you love the most. I would never want you to feel what I've felt every day for the last 5 months._

_As I raise my child alone, I will take on the role of head of my own mini-family. I will not be answering to the opinions, directives, or judgments of others going forward, but will stand on my own two feet and find my way. I finally have the self-confidence to do it – I just wish it hadn't been such a painful lesson to learn. _

_If you find you can respect me as a peer, I invite you to come pay your respects, as one family leader to another. I'd like to think our paths will cross again._

_I'd like to see you meet your grandchild someday, Carlisle._

_With affection for eternity,_

_Bella_

I read her words over and over.

I sat at my desk, which smelled so strongly of my human daughter that she might have been sitting next to me, and I read and re-read her words.

She was not here.

She was not human.

She was a vampire.

She was a mother.

She hated us. Despised us, even.

She loved us, too. Maybe.

She gave me a grandchild.

_A grandchild!_

I was a grandfather.

To a baby I might never know.

From a daughter who was furious with me.

Because of a son who betrayed me. Betrayed us all.

My first son, my best friend, my most trusted and adored child.

One child betrayed the other.

Ultimately, I chose sides.

I chose wrong.

It had been my decision to leave Forks. Ultimately, I was responsible for this horror.

I was numb. I was paralyzed. I suspected I might actually be in shock.

_My human daughter really brought out the humanity in me_, I found myself thinking. _Even when she was no longer human._

There was so much more to learn. The journals lay untouched on the desk in front of me. The DVD of Bella's videos still rested in its case.

Her letter was so much, too much. I didn't want to see any more. I didn't want to know any more.

_Oh Bella!_ My heart screamed for her.

I remembered her eyes, her heartbeat, her quick breaths, the night of her birthday, when Jasper lunged for her, and Edward pushed her into the table. She was afraid. She was terrified. She was instinctively aware of her mortality in that moment.

And yet, mere minutes later, she was calm and thoughtful as we spoke in the kitchen. Even as I stitched her arm, she was looking for ways to improve the situation.

My sweet girl. My Bella.

_How had I gotten this so very wrong?_

I had hated to see that fear in her eyes that night. I had hated knowing that she was hurting, and I was so thankful that I could do something to alleviate both her fear and her pain. I had helped her that night. It had been my honor.

I should have known. I should have known that the brave girl who sat before me that night could never walk away.

She would never walk away,

Even now, after we had deserted her, even in her anger, she was reaching for us.

Over and over again, I read her letter.

She sounded like Bella.

She sounded nothing like Bella.

There was no uncertainty, no apologies, and nothing clumsy in her words. She was the same girl who loved us fiercely, but now she loved something more.

Something that we had jeopardized in our inaction.

I read her letter again.

_Would she really welcome me, if I came to her? _

Could I do that?

Could I not?

Running my hand through my hair and leaning back in my chair, I knew I would have to see this through. I would have to read the journals. I would have to watch her video. I would have no choice but to contact the Quileute and then, I would find my girl.

And I would bring her home.

If she would let me.

With a heavy sigh, I leaned forward, and grabbed at the red notebook labeled "Pregnancy Notes". Normally, my scientific mind would be exhilarated at the information I was about to discover, but in this case, I merely felt exhausted.

I felt like a failure.

The words of Winston Churchill popped into my brain at that moment: "If you're going through hell, keep going…."

This was my hell.

I was determined to keep going, hoping to escape it to find a family reunited waiting for me on the other side.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know this one took a few days longer than usual. It went through several versions of Bella's letters before I got the tone the way I wanted it. Sorry to keep you waiting!<strong>

**Also, in reviewing the last chapter, I made reference to how vampires don't like milk/dairy. I have no idea if this is mentioned in Twilight, but LolaShoes mentions it repeatedly in her FanFiction epic triology _Let Your Light Shine/An Extraordinary Life/This Hungry World._ While they are no longer posted on FF, if you haven't read them, you really should. They are the #1 reason I'm still reading and writing FF. I was addicted almost instantly. Let me know if you need help tracking them down. Consider it your homework assignment!**


	15. Chapter 15 Reflections Bella

**Chapter 15 – Reflections (Bella)**

**1 YEAR LATER**

All in all, I had adjusted to my new existence with relatively few setbacks. Remembering my first few days, I was pretty proud of myself.

Awaking as a vampire had been disorienting, to be sure, but I didn't feel as out of control as I had expected. Tearing myself out of the fabric cuffs that had bound my arms and legs was done unconsciously, and I was relieved to see that Sue, Emily and Jacob had cleaned the room in my absence.

I could still smell my blood in the air, and it did pull at the back of my throat, but it didn't burn or ache the way I thought it might. Other than the scent, however, there was no visible sign of the trauma that had happened in this room.

Part of me wanted to pull the video footage from the safe where we agreed Jacob would put it, but I decided not to. I didn't want to dwell in the past – I was determined to move forward. If I revisited the past in any great detail, I was certain the weight of everything that had happened would be too much to bear. I would not allow it to drag me under.

Around the room, I saw the signs I had crafted to remind me of the next steps in my vampire life.

I needed to hunt – only animals, and far away from Forks.

I needed to call Jacob to retrieve my children. _My children! I was a mommy!_

I needed to get my new IDs made, and then get the heck out of Forks.

In a flash, it all came back. I had delivered twins. It had been messy. They had consumed me from first sight – I needed them more than anything. I had to become a vampire in order to survive.

I searched my memory for their faces, and I came up with fuzzy images of bloody, screaming, tiny beings, both capturing my heart instantly. _I needed to get to them!_

I needed to hunt first.

I was out the back door before I even finished the thought. It did take some time to get used to the instantaneous reflexes of a vampire. Running came effortlessly – I remembered running with Edward, clinging to his back, certain we would smash into a tree. He laughed at me. I now understood why.

Hunting was also instinctive. I was messy and needed to work on my approach, but the action came easily. I remembered the night on the road with the deer. It was like that – only much faster, and much more powerful. I could chase anything. I could kill anything.

The realization that came with hunting was empowering. My strength and speed made me feel… bold.

I did not feel afraid of what lay ahead of me. I felt strong, empowered.

For a long while, I didn't understand why my thirst was so manageable. I chose to be grateful, rather than concerned.

My reunion with Jacob, Sue, Emily, and my children went smoothly.

They all smelled of wolf, even if Jacob was the only one who actually phased. They didn't smell appealing, and from the wrinkle on Jake's forehead, I guessed he didn't much care for my odor either. Still, it was a small price to pay for a second attempt at life.

They had taken the babies to a hotel, not wanting them on the reservation, nor with me in the house. The babies had responded well to the soy milk/blood mixture, and were thriving. Seeing them again, with my new and improved vampire vision, was beyond anything I could have imagined. My heart had never known love like this. It was all-consuming. It was everything. They were my reason for existing in that moment.

Looking them over as Sue held my son, Emily cradled my daughter, and Jake stood in between me and them to assure that I would bring no harm to anyone, I was simply overwhelmed by how immensely I loved them.

They both appeared to have a sprinkle of Edward's hair color – bronze, not dark like mine. Just a few wisps adorned their tiny heads, but the red highlights could be seen even from a distance. They were sleeping during those first few moments, so it would only be later when I realized that my daughter did get the deep rich brown eyes that both Charlie and I shared, while my son's eyes were bright green. I loved that he had his father's eyes.

The handoff had gone smoothly, once it was clear that I meant no harm to anyone, and the six of us (seven when Billy popped by a little later in the afternoon) took the chance to discuss everything that had happened, and needed to happen. It was helpful for me in terms of remembering everything I needed to do, but more than that, it felt so amazing to be surrounded by love and support as I learned how to be a mother.

Sue was invaluable. She taught me so much – tricks for soothing a crying baby, how to help relieve gas after a bottle, little songs that made us all chuckle, and proper techniques for swaddling them and changing diapers. I never got to take a birthing class, but it was great fun to have a one-on-one lesson with Jake and Emily acting as cheerleaders, and Billy smirking from the corner.

I loved learning about my children's unique personalities. My baby girl was a ham – she was quick with smiles and gurgles almost from the beginning, and responded well to noise, chattiness, movement and music. My son was quieter – more introspective, if a baby can be called that. He watched everyone, and you could tell he was taking it all in, but he liked calm, quiet stillness much more than his sister. He loved Billy, for example, who would hold him tightly and gently run a thumb over his tiny hand. His sister liked Jake, who would make silly noises and faces at her all day long, bouncing her around, and tickling her feet.

Those first few days after my change were wonderful.

At night, I would lie awake and watch my children sleep, often in my arms, and thank God, and fate, and Emily, Jake and even Carlisle for making this miracle possible. My mind would try to drink in every moment with them, as they grew quickly and I knew I could only experience everything once. The softness of their skin, their small little sighs – I wanted to remember it all. Not having to sleep really did have its advantages.

I found that there were moments when I was even grateful to Edward for giving me this experience. It was impossible to deny that he was part of them, especially my little boy. I could definitely see Edward reflected back in his deep soulful eyes.

We determined that they were a blend of Edward and me in other ways, too. Their skin was softer and warmer, like a human, but it was difficult to scratch or puncture. It didn't sparkle, but it did offer a soft luminescence that made it look almost as though they were wearing lotion with some shimmer. Their heart continued to beat regularly, but at a much slower pace than a human newborn. Emily decided that the erratic heartbeat we heard in utero was actually not erratic at all – we just didn't know there were two of them. This made me feel better.

They were growing quickly – it seemed they were continuing on their rate of double-time. Mentally, it seemed perhaps even quicker – they were smiling and showing cognitive ability after mere days. I had two smart little ones, for sure.

Having those few extra days at the Cullen house while we waited for my IDs to arrive had made a huge difference. When it was time to say goodbye, I felt saddened, but ready. I could do this. I could handle being a mom, and being a vampire. I was actually already pretty great at it.

With promises to stay in touch, I headed north to Vancouver not long after my paperwork came in.

At the border, I smiled as I watched three new passports be processed:

Ella Esme Allison, age 22

Masen Whitlock Allison, age 1 month

Emmalie Carlie Allison, age 1 month

* * *

><p>I definitely had some surprises in store for me those first few months on my own.<p>

Hunting with two infants was a challenge, especially in the early days. But I couldn't very well leave them alone in the house, so I strapped them tightly to my back and made the best of it. Eventually, I would discover a few things about myself that would make it much easier, but those first few months were tricky. I drank a lot of deer, wishing to steer clear of anything with claws.

My life was pretty isolated, but I was content with that. I was enjoying the time with my babies, and I quickly found that you can have almost anything you need delivered, especially if you are willing to pay for it. Home decorating and grocery shopping for the twins became much simpler once I fully embraced the power of the internet.

Aside from random delivery people and the Quileute, I avoided all humanity.

I also only had two encounters with other vampires during my first year.

The first caught me off guard, and ended badly for the vampire in question. What they say about mama bears protecting their cubs may be valid, but it doesn't compare to a Mama Vampire protecting her babies.

The encounter was shocking to me, though, and gave me a lot to think about. I took a life, and I was surprised and upset by my lack of remorse. I acted without thinking, and without pity, and that was unlike the girl I had been. It was just one more sign that the old Bella had left the building.

It also awakened something that had been lying dormant in me up until that point. It would seem I had a talent – a vampire skill.

My second encounter with vampires, months later, would help me put it all in perspective. I was hunting with the twins when I encountered a couple – they were both vampires, and both yellow-eyed, which is the only reason I didn't kill them immediately.

Upon talking with them, I learned that the male vampire had a talent of his own – determining other vampires' talents. He informed me that I was a shield. He explained what he knew of that in vague generalities, explaining that each shield would manifest itself differently, and that he would need to work with me for some time to determine the exact nature of mine.

I declined his offer.

I was wary of getting close to anyone new, especially while my babies were young.

I wasn't sure if he knew of the children – they were wrapped securely to my back and sleeping when I encountered him and his mate, and while I'm sure he could sense their breathing and heartbeat, he made no mention of them, and I did not point them out. I also never turned my back to the couple.

But after we parted ways, I began to explore and test my shield. I had ample free time to practice, and it wasn't long before I found I could shield the babies while hunting. This made everything much easier. I also found that I could shield myself from the scent of humans, which was a comfort when I went into the city, even if that rarely happened. I could also manipulate it to form a barrier, and sometimes, I could even move things with it. That took a great amount of concentration, though.

I was enjoying taking my life one day at a time, and soaking in as many experiences and memories of Emma and Masen as I could. They grew so fast, and I didn't want to miss a second. The rest of the world could wait.

* * *

><p>Within 6 months, they were both toddling around the house and backyard like a couple of 1-year-olds. I installed a playground and a sandbox to inspire their creativity. They loved it. I planted tall bushes around the perimeter of our yard – a natural fence – to allow us all the privacy to spend each day, even the sunny ones, out in the open without concern.<p>

Emma was a natural explorer. She got into so much trouble. She was always one step away from being filthy from her adventures. She was brave and passionate, and so curious. She was the one I had to keep my eye on constantly.

Masen was more hesitant. Masen was thoughtful, and more of a watcher. He watched her adventures, and only if he was sure it was a good idea would he engage. I loved watching him watch Emma try something. He looked so frustrated sometimes, and it reminded me so much of Edward when his little face would scrunch up in a scowl and he would look so concerned.

Smiles and laughter and silliness came easy to Emma, whereas getting any of that from Masen was a special treat. He wasn't an unhappy child – he just was so cautious. If you could get Masen really laughing, it was the best moment of the day. He liked baths. He liked splashing. That was where his happiest moments had been. Between the messes that Emma made and the joy that Masen found in them, baths happened nightly at our house.

I tried to decide who they were most like – neither Edward nor I were silly or giddy the way that Emma was – but she definitely got her bravery from me. I think she got her sense of adventure from Edward, as I was more thoughtful and cautious like Masen in that regard. She also got her impulsiveness from him - of that I was certain. Emma got her messiness from me – Edward was nothing short of fastidious. And I liked to think that she got her cheery disposition from me as well – but I didn't know if Edward was happier before he became a vampire.

Masen seemed more like Edward in most respects. Aside from being his physical doppelganger, Masen studied things and spent a good amount of time just… thinking. He was cautious, which was similar to me, but concerned about both his safety and Emma's, which screamed of Edward. But, like me, he was easily pleased. He liked simple things. He liked quiet and stillness. Emma would quickly move from one thing to the next, but Masen liked to reflect and focus. He didn't talk much, but he was very affectionate. I had always been uncomfortable showing affection before I met the Cullens, but there was nothing I loved more now, and so I chose to believe he got that from both of his parents.

They were both stubborn. They were both willful. I know they picked that up from us both. They would both chew on their bottom lip like I did, but every once in awhile, they would both give me Edward's smirk, and it did funny things to my heart. I loved seeing him reflected in them, but the smirk stung a little. It was just so…. Edward. And I was not spending time thinking about Edward these days.

By the end of our first year as a family, both of my babies were walking, talking in short little sentences, and were eating some solid foods, although they both still primarily existed off of the soy milk/blood mixture. They had graduated from bottles to sippy cups, though.

Time moved so quickly.

We played in the backyard, and sometimes in the forest during the days. They had regular naps and snacks and meals like human children did, even if their diet was unusual. At night, they would get a bath, and a story, and sometimes, we would pull out the scrapbook that I had made of their family members, and I would go through it and tell them stories. They knew them all by heart.

Sometimes, we would make up new adventures for the "characters". They both loved to place silly Uncle Emmett into some sort of trouble, only to have someone, usually Rosalie or Esme, come pull him out of it. Papa Carlisle sometimes had to fix his injuries, and occasionally Grampa Charlie would haul him away in a squad car.

The stories where we all laughed the most always involved Emmett getting in trouble somehow. He was our own version of "Curious George."

Then I would tuck them in, and hum for them until they fell asleep. Sometimes I would stay and just watch them sleep. They were so peaceful. They were my personal peace.

* * *

><p>I often thought about my decision to name them after the Cullens. At first, when I thought I was having a single child, my name choices had been different. I was planning for Charles Jacob for a boy and Susan Esme for a girl. I was going to ask Billy if I could take his last name.<p>

But when they arrived, looking so much like Edward, and truly being part-vampire, I found that I couldn't do it that way. I wanted them to know their vampire history. I wanted them to be proud of where they came from. I wanted them to understand what a miracle they really were.

And I wanted them to have links to the Cullens, so that they would always be certain that a family existed for them out there, somewhere. Despite everything that had happened, I wanted them to have those family ties.

Masen was obviously named for Edward, but I purposefully chose his human name, because I wanted to emphasize the humanity within Edward. I believed our children were the best of both of us, and Edward always seemed to hate his vampirism so much that I couldn't name a child after him that way. Masen felt better to me. I chose to give him Jasper's name as well, because I wanted it to be clear that in no way was Jasper to blame for the events that happened after my birthday.

Emmalie was a combination of Emmett and Rosalie, and possibly a little shout out to Emily as well. Although, really, I called her Emma. I didn't know it when I named her, but it was a perfect fit. She was brash and silly like Emmett, but also fierce and determined like Rosalie. Her middle name was a combination of Charlie and Carlisle. Each my father in his own way, and both so very careful with their baby girl. I knew they would have loved knowing Emma.

The last name I chose was Allison, in honor of Alice. I figured that sisters often had the same last name, and since Alice didn't have her own, I would have to adapt. I certainly wasn't taking Cullen unless it was a choice made in partnership with Edward as a wife or Carlisle as a daughter. And neither of those things seemed likely.

As for myself, I chose Ella Esme. I chose Ella because I figured that if Charlie began looking for me, he would look under Isabella and Bella, so I couldn't use either of those, but I wanted something I would actually recognize. Ella was pretty close.

Secretly, I still thought of myself as Bella. Inside, under my vampire layers, I knew I was still mostly that girl. Charlie and Renee's daughter – clumsy and plain, determined and stubborn. I wasn't embarrassed of her at all – in fact, I was grateful to her for helping me get to where I was now.

I chose Esme because she was the kind of mother I wanted to be to my children. Part of me felt guilty for excluding Renee, but I was determined to mirror Esme's approach to mothering rather than Renee's. By taking her name, it was a reminder to me of the high standard I needed to work towards every day.

If I was being honest, I also wanted links to the Cullens. I didn't verbalize it, and I tried very hard not to focus on it, but I remembered my vampire family with aching clarity, and I missed them desperately every day.

And there was a little part of me that hoped that they would come for me still. And hoped that they would be proud with what they found.

Most of the time, however, I spent finding my own way, celebrating my successes, learning from my mistakes, and keeping to my mantra of looking forward, not backward. It made me feel strong and empowered, and it kept the hurt away.

* * *

><p>It had been a typical day in the Allison household. The kids were tearing around the backyard, and I was supervisingchasing them.

I usually had as much fun as they did on days like these.

The wind shifted, and I suddenly found myself uneasy. Something felt off.

As it was nearly time for lunch anyhow, I gathered them up and took them inside. I was feeling unusually vulnerable outside.

Almost like someone was watching me.

Inside the house, I felt the tension leaving me. I didn't know what had happened, but my unease seemed to have settled. I cut up carrots and cubes of chicken nuggets, mixed my blood smoothies, and got the kids to eat and drink. I remained on alert – testing my senses at every turn to see if something was amiss.

After lunch, it was nap time, and after a story and a few songs, my two little monsters were out like a light. I sat there watching them for a few minutes, just enjoying the gentle sounds of their rest.

As I stood to leave, I felt the sensation return again.

Again, it felt like someone was watching me.

Without pause, I moved into a defensive, crouching position. I would not allow anyone to harm my children, of that I was certain.

I stood still, waiting, listening. I heard movement outside, near the front of the house.

I didn't have visitors. Other than pre-scheduled delivery men, no one had ever been to the house.

I felt a low growl escape, as I could sense a scent in the air.

It was another vampire.

I was frozen, monitoring. I couldn't see who approached, but I knew instinctively that they were gaining ground on my location.

My mind was in overdrive. I was preparing for attack. I wrapped my shield around the babies, and then slowly, silently made my way towards the living room.

I had just emerged and was scouting out attack positions when it happened.

There was a firm, succinct knock on my door. _Huh? Attackers don't usually knock._

Still wary of a surprise attack, I made my way over to see who it was. I glanced through the peephole, and I couldn't stifle the gasp that escaped from my lips, even as my hand flew to my mouth to prevent it.

With emotions spinning through my head faster than I could process them, my hand moved, almost without my permission, to the knob. In a swift move that my brain objected to, even as my body complied, I opened the door and stared, with one hand over my mouth, at the person before me.

He looked as he always did. Beautiful, god-like, gorgeous. His hair blew in the breeze, and wisps of it fell into his eyes. Those eyes, usually so clear, so calm, so kind, which looked frantic and nearly feral as he returned my stare. He smelled of cinnamon and leather, with a hint of antiseptic wipes.

In a voice thick with emotion that I didn't know how to place, he choked out, "Bella!"

Looking at him standing there, his eyes begging me to speak with him, to acknowledge him, I found I didn't know what to do, or how to feel.

I wanted to run into his arms, cling to him, and never leave.

I wanted to punch him, rip his arm off, and make him know one-tenth of the suffering I had been through in his absence.

I had a million questions.

I wasn't sure I could sit through the answers.

He stood before me, standing on the bottom step of the porch as I loomed above him, and I found that I quite liked looking down at him, instead of the other way around.

The mighty Carlisle had fallen from his pedestal.

It was clear that he knew it as well as I did.

This is what I had wanted, and yet, lording over him as I did, what I really wanted was for him to scoop me up, tell me he loved me and that he was proud of me, and promise he'd never let me be alone again.

Recognizing that in myself made me furious! I was angry at myself for not being as strong as I had planned to be. I wanted to be tough and I wanted to be sure of myself. I didn't want to feel like a little girl seeking her father's approval!

I was angry at myself, but I took it out on him.

Unleashing my full power and letting out a guttural growl that was almost a scream, I scooped him up with my shield and slammed him against a tree on the periphery of the front yard. Holding him up, pinned to the tree with my shield, I all but screamed, "What the _fuck_ are you doing here, Carlisle?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Haven't we all had those moments around our parents when we strive so hard to prove how grown up we are, only to feel like a little kid when actually confronted with them? I know I have. It's maddening!<strong>

**Anyhow, I think you can tell that we're about to hit our upswing, although I would anticipate a bumpy ride for awhile still. Hold on to your hats!**

**Oh, and Curious George is the property of Hans and Margret Rey. They are silly and sweet children's books, about a monkey who gets in all sorts of jams, but is so loveable you can't really be mad about it. I assume everyone knows Curious George, but if not, I suggest you hop to a library and check him out. Adorable. **


	16. Chapter 16 Reflections Carlisle

**Chapter 16 – Reflections (Carlisle)**

Bella's research was impressive. I had always known her to be an intelligent girl, but she really did a wonderful job documenting her discoveries and building her analysis based on her findings. I was incredibly proud of her work, and found I had many questions I hoped one day to ask of her.

Her pregnancy notes were simply fascinating. I found myself horrified at her situation and experience, while devastated on both a personal and professional level that I had missed it all. It sounded nothing short of miraculous, really. I also realized, as I read the pages of her story, that she was very fortunate to have the Quileute by her side. It certainly could have had a different ending without their support.

The impact of our departure was evident on every page. She had needed a doctor who could help her, and someone seasoned with vampire knowledge. She had needed a friend to help her through the emotional turmoil of pregnancy, and someone to share in the delights of preparation and planning. Our family could have been such a support to her.

I could close my eyes and envision Edward and me working alongside one another to keep her healthy, and deliver the baby safely into the world. I could imagine long chats with Esme about pregnancy and fears of motherhood. I could just see Alice going overboard with shopping for the nursery and Emmett building cribs and changing tables. I could even see Jasper, quietly keeping her calm and helping with her hormones from a perch in the corner. And I could almost feel Rosalie softening at the prospect of a baby in the house. It would change everything about her to be a part of that realized dream, I knew.

We had denied Bella so much, it was clear. But it was also clear that we had denied ourselves. I found myself saddened for everyone that we had not been able to be here.

_Don't forget, Carlisle,_ my inner voice chided, _you were able to be here. You chose not to be!_

As I powered on the computer so that I might watch her video, I found myself so furious with Edward that I was shaking. I had ultimately made the decision that would deny us all of this experience, but I couldn't help but feel as though I had been tricked into doing it. _Edward had deceived me! He had deceived us all!_ And all of us, Bella and Edward included, had paid the ultimate price for his betrayal.

_How do I ever reconcile these actions with the boy I loved so completely?_ I still couldn't fathom the truth of it. I didn't want to accept it.

As I inserted the DVD, I wondered, _how will we ever recover from this?_ I knew everyone would be as devastated as I about this turn of events. I knew that it was very possible that we would break under the weight of this, and that both myself and Edward were primarily to blame for our abandonment of Bella – I wasn't entirely sure our family could come out of this unscathed.

And yet, I knew I had to tell them, beginning with Esme.

_Oh, Esme!_ She would be heartbroken! And furious!

Just as I felt myself becoming overwhelmed at the thought of sharing this news with my wife, Bella's image came up to the screen. I found myself barely recognizing the girl before me.

She was so thin. Her cheeks were hollow, her skin pale and sickly, her hair limp and pulled from her face without care, and her eyes – they looked as if they'd lost all of their fire. _Had we done this? Had we broken our little girl like this?_ It was almost more than I could bear, but I knew I needed to know. I needed to know what had happened.

"_Um, so I just found this camera in Emmett and Rosalie's room – I'm trying hard not to think about what they do with it… Um, today is… November 5__th__… I decided to leave you all messages, since I'm, uh, gonna be crashing at your house awhile. You see, I just moved here… I can't stay with Charlie, because, well, because the thing is, I'm pregnant. Uh, Edward, the baby is yours, obviously. I mean, I hope it's obvious. I mean, who else's would it be?"_ She was still fidgety, twisting her hands and glancing any direction other than directly at the camera.

"_Yeah, I know that wasn't supposed to happen, but ah, it did. Clearly. So here I am. I gotta tell you, I'm totally freaked out, Edward. I mean, I get that maybe you had to go or whatever, but I really, really need you guys to come back. I don't know what to do about this, Edward. I mean, it's not… normal. I mean, we only had um, sex, ah, beginning 10 weeks ago, and they are saying I'm more like 20 weeks gone. I mean, look at me,"_ she said as she stood up to show her belly, which definitely had the signs of a pregnancy bump.

"_I'm showing. I had to leave the house because I couldn't hide it from Charlie anymore. That doesn't happen at 10 weeks! And the baby is already kicking me – I mean real kicks, not that butterfly feeling that all the books talk about. It's crazy. And the ultrasound technician said that they can't see through the amniotic sac and the heartbeat is all weird, and basically, I'm freaking out! How am I supposed to know if he's ok? How am I supposed to know what to do? Edward, you have got to help me! Get Carlisle, and come help me! Some of the things I'm learning make it seem not so good for me. I think I'm going to die… I think our baby is going to kill me, and I don't want to die."_

She had been rambling, but her log ended with her in tears, big heavy sobs resonating through the computer to illustrate her pain.

Her abdomen was definitely showing signs of pregnancy, and she was right – it wasn't normal for her to be experiencing such advanced symptoms so early. She looked weak and terrified. My heart was in my throat as I thought about her going through this alone. _Oh Bella! How I wish I could have helped you! _

The screen lit up again.

"_So it's November 19__th__, and I just had a meeting with Billy, Sue, Emily and Jacob downstairs. They are Quileute, in case you didn't know, and they are helping me, because, well, because they are the only ones I can talk to about all this, since you guys are gone. They've been great – I know it's really hard for them to help me, knowing that my baby is probably a vampire, but uh, they've been really nice."_

Still fidgety. Still adorably Bella. Her abdomen was significantly larger than it had been. She was definitely experiencing an advanced pregnancy. She looked uncomfortable.

"_I just told them all the stuff I've found in my research. Um, basically, it looks like the baby won't be able to be born naturally – the legends say it will rip its way out of me before that can happen. So, uh, we're going to try and deliver it by C-section. Emily is a midwife – she knows how to do it. Jake has agreed to phase to help cut the sac, if it turns out to be vampire skin, like the legends suggest. It's not a good plan, but it's all we've got."_

She seemed less fragile, but still terrified. She looked directly at the camera as she addressed us next.

"_Edward, I just don't understand. I found the medical room. I'm guessing you and Carlisle set it up. It's pretty amazing. I also found the venom. I…" she paused, clearly trying not to cry, "I don't understand. If you collected venom, it looks like you were willing, at some point, to change me. If you made a medical room to treat me in, it makes me think that you cared for me, maybe even loved me. I just… I just can't understand how it all went so wrong! What did I do? What did I do to make you stop loving me?"_

She broke off into sobs, and I watched, pain soaking through every bit of me, as she struggled to pull herself together. After a moment, she continued.

"_Anyhow, I guess it doesn't matter. I just… I just am so confused by it all. But I'm glad you did it, even if I don't understand. Your medical room is gonna be a big help, and the venom – Edward, I know you will hate this, but Emily is concerned that I might not survive the C-section, even with everything going really well, and so we might use the venom. I know it's not what you wanted, but I don't think I have another choice. I want to see my baby grow up. I want to be there, and uh, I don't know what would happen to him if I died… the Quileute can't take him, and I don't think Charlie could handle it all… I just.. I need to survive. So, uh, that's the plan. So, uh, thanks, I guess, for leaving the venom… I.. it means so much to have this option. Oh, and tell Rosalie I really respect her for not leaving any. I get it, I really do. But I hope she'll understand why I have to do this. I just have to. Anyhow, that's the plan. I hope you make it back before it happens…"_

Her voice trailed off as tears began again. I almost couldn't take any more. Her heartbreak and fear and misery were evident in every word spoken, and yet, it was also beautiful how she would stroke her belly and had been working to protect and care for her child. She was maturing in leaps and bounds, right in front of my eyes. _We should have been here! We should have been a part of this!_

The screen lit up once more.

Bella was looking a little better, although still incredibly thin. She appeared to be in Emmett & Rosalie's room, sitting on their bed.

"_So, uh, today is December 1__st__, and I don't really have anything to report, but I thought I would check in. Sue came by the other day with some baby stuff that she had collected from the ladies down at the reservation. It's all so amazing. I mean, I didn't know babies needed all this stuff. But I, uh, I don't know, I wanted to share it all with you._"

With that, she picked up the camera and began to pan around the room. There were little outfits and a car set, a lovely wicker bassinette, and lots of diapers and lotions and things. There was a stack of blankets in the corner, folded and looking soft. I could tell she had spent some time organizing everything, and I could hear the pride in her voice as she described what all she had been given.

She summarized with, _"I know you probably don't care about blankets and diapers and all of that, but well, it's just, it's kind of exciting, and I really didn't have anyone else I could share it with. I mean, I'm so scared, but I'm beginning to be excited, too, and I, I don't know, I wish I could talk with someone about it, you know? I mean look at this little tiny onesie," she said, holding up a very small pink outfit. "I can't imagine having a baby small enough to wear this, and yet, I've only got about 6 more weeks until that's exactly what's gonna happen. Well, hopefully. Anyhow, I just wish, I don't know… I wish Alice were here to giggle with me, and shop for all this cute stuff, and I have so many questions about being a mom – I really need to talk with Esme. She would know what to say. I want to be a great mom like she is, and I don't think I know how… I don't know… I was just feeling very girly like I wanted to share all of this stuff, and I don't know, I thought maybe you'd like to share in it, too. Anyhow… nevermind."_

The camera shut off abruptly. She was clearly embarrassed by her sweet display, but it made my heart crack wide open. Every woman should have a mother by her side when she's preparing to become a mother herself! Of course she would want to talk with Esme! Of course she would want to share her joy with Alice. Seeing her giddy and excited for her baby was almost as hard as seeing her hurting and scared.

The camera began again, and this time Bella looked completed wild. Her eyes were wide, her breath was coming in gasps, and she looked flushed. Even still, she looked wonderful! She had color, and her face looked fuller, and she looked healthier somehow. With a great breath, she began.

"_Ok, so it's December 10__th__, and you are never going to believe what just happened. I mean, what I just did. I mean – ugh, whatever! So, I was pretty restless here and Charlie was out of town with Billy, so I called Jake, and he came and rescued me. We went to Port Angeles, got some books, and then went to Babies R Us. Oh, that reminds me – Edward – I found the cutest stuffed lion and lamb – I might have had a meltdown in the store from all these pregnancy hormones, but anyhow, I wanted you to know that our baby is going to have a lion that is in love with a lamb in his crib…. Cute, right? Anyhow, that is NOT the point of this story. The point is,"_ she stopped taking in a big breath, as she had been rambling frantically, _"the point is that on the way home, Jake hit a deer with his car. Wait, wait – don't freak out! I am fine – I can already feel you freaking out, but I'm not hurt. The thing is, well, the most unbelievable thing happened. When the car stopped, it was like I moved in slow motion, and yet I was also super fast at the same time, and I didn't really even know I was doing it, and then all of a sudden Jake was yelling, and the point is, I mean, I guess what happened was,"_ again, she took another breath and then a long pause, _"I drank blood from the deer."_

What? Did I hear that right? Bella drank blood from a deer… as a human? Impossible!

"_I know, I know… gross right? I mean, it's road kill, basically! But I didn't even know I was doing it until it was done, and Jake was hauling my ass back to the car. I mean, what the hell, right? But the thing is, Edward, it tasted soooo good. I mean, I didn't even know I wanted blood, but I think that the baby does, and this is why I've been having trouble keeping food down and not wanting to eat. So yeah…"_

She paused, her eyes unfocusing for a minute, clearly lost in thought.

"_So yeah, it would seem that I'm drinking blood these days. So yeah, I thought you should know."_

The camera stopped again, and I almost screamed in frustration. _Bella! What is going on? That is not enough information! _But clearly that was all I was going to get, because the next segment began again.

"_Damn-it Edward!" _Bella screamed out of nowhere. _"How could you leave me? How could you do this to me? I have been cooped up in this house, with no human interaction and no sunlight, trying to handle being dumped by the love of my life and my entire vampire family, and I'm just so tired of it! This is all your fault! How dare you jaunt off like our entire relationship wasn't a big deal, and leave me to clean up this mess all by myself! You are so selfish! You are such an asshole! I'm weeks away from giving birth to your vampire offspring – I'm lonely and I'm scared, and everything hurts, and that doesn't even include the fact that I'm going to get my stomach sliced open while I'm still conscious, and have a werewolf rip my body open to pull out YOUR baby, and then I'm most likely going to have to turn in a vampire just to be able to see my kid. I hate you for this! I hate you! I can't handle this on my own, you asshole! Get your ass back here and help me, damn-it!"_

Bella was furious, and she was glorious in her fury. I didn't know what triggered it, but she was worked up before the camera even came on. She was screaming, gesturing wildly with one hand, while the other rested on the underside of her growing belly, as if to help support the weight of it.

With a flourish, she flopped onto the bed, and continued her rant.

"_I need a real doctor – you know, one that knows everything about human anatomy but who can also protect my little vampire secret… know anyone like that? Oh right, you do. But you stole him away from me! I need a mother – not Renee, who will find some way to make this all about her, but a real mother – someone to hold me, soothe me, and help me figure this out! Oh but wait – I had one, but you took her away, too! You took away my sisters, who could help me get ready for all of this, you took away my brother who would keep me laughing, and you took away my other brother who could maybe control these god-damned pregnancy hormones! You took away everything! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"_

And then the strong, brave, beautiful woman crumpled, leaving a scared and lonely little girl in her place. Great sobs escaped her as her cries became pleading, _"Please, Edward, please! Please come back and help me with this! I need you! I need you here with me! I can't do this without you! Please! You are supposed to be here, holding my hand, feeling our baby kick, helping me! I need you to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. I need you to be all over-protective and ridiculously worried about silly things. I need you to come home! I need everyone to come home. I miss you so much. I miss you all. So much. So much…"_

The camera shut off as her great sobs filled the screen.

My heart was burning in anger, remorse, and excruciating pain. _How could one girl go through so much? How could she survive such agony? How had I played such a part in her nightmare?_

* * *

><p>The videos continued long into the night, although they slowly became more fact-based, and less emotional.<p>

She told us of finding the safe.

She explained her plans to assume new identities.

She told us of her theory that the babies would need soy milk and blood, and showed us the bottles she had prepared.

She took us on a tour of the medical room, and showed us her plans for a safe delivery and transformation.

She told us of her autobiography, and apologized for stealing some family photos.

She brought the camera outside and showed off her new car. I found myself smiling at the bittersweet expression of her love for Edward, manifested in the form of a Volvo SUV.

I watched the emotional, timid, weak girl transform into a woman who was determined to bring her children into the world, and survive a nightmare herself. In a matter of weeks, she had grown into a tough and confident woman who was impressive to watch. I was incredibly proud of her.

The last video in the series lit up the screen, and it began with Bella wearing nothing but black leggings and a sports bra, lying on the exam table in the treatment room.

_Oh god_, I thought. _This is the delivery. She videotaped it_! I couldn't believe she would do such a thing, and yet I knew that she did it for our benefit. It was a moment we could never get back, but she wanted us to experience it –to know it, as best we could. It was the ultimate in generosity that she would let us share this moment after everything that we had done.

I recognized Sue Clearwater – her husband Harry was a kind man and had been a patient of mine. There was another boy and young woman in the room with Bella. I assumed they were Jacob Black and Emily. I didn't know either of them. Emily injected something into Bella's arm, and Sue moved to take Bella's hand across the table from Emily. Jacob lingered towards the end of the table. Bella was strapped to the table, which I thought was a very practical decision, and Emily prepared her for the incision. She instructed Jacob to leave the room and phase, before taking a moment to whisper in Bella's ear.

Bella then turned to face Sue, and it was clear that Sue would be trying to distract Bella from what was about to happen. And then it began.

Emily's incision was sure and on point. I found myself cringing at the blood that leaked from Bella's body immediately. Bella's scream sent chills up my back, and my nonexistent heart seized in fear for her.

I watched Sue work to control Bella's terror as Emily made quick work of the surgery at her abdomen. Both women were quite strong and capable, and handling their duties with far more fortitude that I was just watching. My heart was aching, my brain twitching, every neuron in my body was firing, desperate to somehow leap into the computer screen and help my baby girl get through this horrific ordeal.

Emily pulled back, revealing a bright white sac lying within the layers of Bella's abdomen. _It was unbelievable! Bella's research had been correct!_ She called for Jacob, and I felt my eyes widen as a great wolf entered the room. He moved cautiously, carefully, towards Emily, and very slowly, he moved to place his paw upon the exam table. Without hesitation, Emily reached for his paw, and I watched in morbid fascination as the wolf curled all but one of his toes downward, leaving a single claw for Emily to maneuver.

With steady hands, she brought the paw to Bella's abdomen, and with the slightest of pressure, I gasped as the claw slid through the thick amniotic sac. Bella's screams renewed, and her frantic cries caused dry tears to form in my eyes. _Oh, baby girl, hang on! You are doing so well! Hang on Bella, hang on!_ I found myself chanting along with Sue, offering prayers for an event that had happened nearly a year prior. It was impossible to watch.

In a flash, it was over, and Emily was attempting to open the sac enough to free the baby. Her arm muscles flexed, yet she did not have the strength on her own to manipulate it. She hollered at the wolf, who phased back into the boy that was Jacob in an instant. With his back to me, I could tell he was naked, but that was not my focus. I watched in awe as Emily placed his hands on either side of the opening and instructed him to hold open Bella's womb. With terror evident in his face, he complied without hesitation.

Bella's screams began anew, and yet my eyes could not leave her abdomen. Emily ably reached both hands into Bella's body, and a moment later, her arms emerged, and then her hands – one of which cradled the head of a small infant by the back of his neck. Carefully, she pulled him free, her other hand clutching at his little thighs.

He was a boy! I had a grandson!

A wave of joy hit me unlike anything I had ever experienced, and it only grew into a great swell as I saw Emily pass the babe over to Jacob, so that he could show Bella her son. Her eyes were aglow with love and joy, even has her body struggled through the pain. Tears ran down her face, as her brow glistened with sweat from her efforts, and she had never looked more beautiful. Her smile was breathtaking – earth shattering. I had never seen such love – it was overwhelming. I found myself heaving great sobs along with Bella as she greeted her son.

There were a few tender moments, while Sue got my grandson breathing on his own, and then I saw movement at the same time Emily did. Bella's abdomen shifted slightly, cause Emily to glance down in alarm.

In a flash, she was back down at Bella's lower half, and the tension in the room could be felt through the camera as Jake resumed his position alongside Emily. Another moment would find yet an even greater joy, as Emily emerged with another child – this one a girl!

Together, the squalls of both infants could be heard clearly through the camera, as Sue and Jacob held them both for Bella to see. Bella's joy was palpable – it was written into ever fiber of her being. It was a truly breathtaking moment to behold.

Just when it seemed that all would be well, Bella's head rolled to the side, and her heart monitor started to beep erratically. She was crashing!

I knew in a moment that it was from blood loss. Her body had not been strong enough to begin with, but there was ample blood spilled during both deliveries.

Sue and Jacob put both babies into the bassinette resting on a small table to the side, as Emily got to work with the vials that I knew contained venom.

She worked quickly, filling three syringes with venom – one from each of the vials. She passed one to both Sue and Jacob, and in tandem, as if it had been discussed before, they went to work. Sue injected the venom right into Bella's carotid artery which ran along side of her neck. Jacob slid the venom into Bella's opposite wrist – his hands shook with this effort.

Emily took the third syringe and hesitating only a moment to find the right spot, she plunged it into Bella's heart. I gasped aloud as I watched – it was a well-conceived plan – the venom would begin circulating from all different areas of her body. She might not bleed out before it began to take effect.

Emily refilled her syringe again, and swapped it with Sue's empty one. Sue moved down to Bella's ankle, and injected her there, as Jacob repeated the action on her other side. Emily's second injection went in the carotid artery again, and then, much to my surprise, she shoved Jacob aside and went to work to free the amniotic sac from Bella's body.

It seemed like such a strange thing to do, until Emily explained in a controlled but stressed tone, "I promised her that she wouldn't be pregnant for eternity." Jacob nodding, grabbing a bucket for Emily to deposit the amniotic sac and placenta into. It was quite amazing to watch, even as panicked as I was.

One the sac was removed, Emily popped the sealed tops off of the vials, and poured the remaining venom directly into the wound at Bella's abdomen, taking care to begin along the edges that were still leaking blood. _It was a very clever way to staunch the blood loss_, I found myself thinking.

Bella remained unconscious for all of this. Her heart monitor was still going wild, and I took it as a good sign that her heart was still beating.

The three of them stood watching her for a moment in silence, with only the erratic beep of the heart monitor and the gentle cries of the babies providing sound.

I was holding my breath, waiting for a sign that the venom had taken.

They waited.

I waited.

And then, with a great gasp, Bella's body arced up, as though something was pulling from her chest, and she slumped back, still as a stone. It was working! Her heart monitor began beeping wildly – and the sound of it set the three witnesses into action.

Quickly, they began working. Emily disposed of all the medical trash, including the sac and placenta, and began cleaning surfaces. Sue and Jacob worked in tandem to wash and clothe the babies.

Amidst all the frenzy, Bella lay, still and silent.

Once the room and babies were pulled together, they moved to work on Bella. They wiped her down, and covered her. They each said soft and sad goodbyes.

And then, with a gentle kiss to Bella's forehead, Sue gathered both children and walked out of the room. Emily followed.

Jacob moved over to the video camera. Looking directly into the lens, he said soberly, "I hope you know the sacrifices she made for you. I hope you know that you owe her your lives. And you owe her the life she might have known had she never met you. No amount of money, no amount of apologies can ever make this right. You will always, always be in her debt. And you will have to live with that for eternity."

With those words, the tape ended. There was no more.

* * *

><p>My thoughts were dark for some time after watching Bella's video. I sat at my desk, and pondered what I had done, and what I needed to do.<p>

For 300 years, I had been so utterly alone that when I finally found a companion in Edward, I found I would do almost anything for him. I put up with his moodiness, I coaxed him through the burden of being a mind-reader, and I trained him in this life. I shared my passions with him, and I took pleasure in watching him become accomplished as a vampire, and as a man.

When he took his leave of us for those troubling years when he went to serve his own vengeance, I thought I would never be whole again, and while I was distraught over what he had done, I knew that his suffering was punishment enough. I welcomed him back with open arms.

Since then, I had been overly patient and accommodating with him – I knew the others sometimes felt frustrated by the way I coddled him, but the fact remained – he was my first son. My first friend. The very first person I trusted with a secret so heinous that it could not be spoken of. For a long while, he was the brightest star in an otherwise dreary world.

You never know anguish until you have been truly alone in the world, and Edward saved me from 300 years of anguish.

Which is why I still struggled to process his betrayal.

It was clear in Bella's letters and videos that she had not wanted us to go. Upon reflection, Edward's behavior seemed suspect. I knew now that he had been dishonest. I knew he had lied to us. It would appear he lied to her as well, for despite his actions, I couldn't imagine that he didn't love her. I had rarely seen any love as strong.

But watching her grief, and fear, and seeing the physical and mental pain played out on the screen, I found myself gasping for breath as pure fury rolled through me. _He used me! His lies hurt everyone I loved. Everyone he loved!_ And what's worse, when he was done leaving Bella, and making sure we all did the same, he left me! Again!

I stood and I paced the study. Back and forth I walked, trying to find a release for my anger. Trying to find reason behind actions so deplorable that I could barely think on them. I came up short every time.

My fury burned hot and fast within me, but I had to control it.

There was much to be done.

Bella.

I had to see her. I had to explain.

I had to let her know that I hadn't known the truth of things.

That I would never just abandon her like that.

_Except that I did._

And so I tried to process how she must feel, and again, found myself furious – only this time with myself.

I knew what it was to walk the world alone and estranged. I would never want that for my sweet, kind, gentle baby girl. I knew she was smart and brave, and could handle herself, but it was so isolating. I shuttered to remember those centuries alone. No arms to embrace you. No kisses to warm your blood. No smiles and memories of time spent together.

It was a terrible thing to be alone.

I felt a familiar panic rise within me.

I needed to go.

I needed to go to her.

Now!

And even in my frenzy, as I paced and paced, I realized: I needed help to find her.

I went to grab my phone, only to realize that it wasn't in my pocket. In my haste to leave Ithaca, I had not taken it. Thankfully, my wallet remained in my pocket.

Using my flawless vampire recall, I remembered a payphone on the outskirts of Forks. It would have to do.

I raced through the woods, avoiding campsites and hunting areas, towards the old gas station that had closed up shop many years ago. It was increasingly hard to find a payphone these days, and yet, there it stood, perched on the edge of the road, calling to me.

With a shaky hand, I put in a few coins, and dialed 411. When the operator greeted me, I found myself slipping back into the persona of the steady and sure Dr. Carlisle Cullen: "Sue and Harold Clearwater, please. La Push Reservation."

It was only a moment before the phone connected, and began to ring.

I held my breath. Would she speak with me? Would she help?

"Hello?" a gentle yet direct voice answered. I knew it was Sue.

"Sue, it's Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen." I said, trying to sound firm and in control. I was suddenly feeling much more like the 23 year-old that I was ever-frozen as, rather than the stately 400 year-old vampire I actually was.

There was a long pause.

I waited.

I heard her clear her throat.

"How can I help you, Dr. Cullen?" she asked. She was forcing a tone of indifference. She wasn't sure if I knew the awful truth.

I cleared my throat, trying to find the words to explain what I wanted. "I, well, I have just spent some time in my house at Forks, Sue, and as I'm sure you can imagine, I had a few surprises waiting for me."

She offered a mirthless laugh. "I'll just bet you did. I'll just bet. You left a fine mess of things here, Carlisle. I'm tempted to send the pack after you right now!" Her tone was hard, unyielding.

"It would be nothing more than I deserve, Sue," I said, feeling every ounce of the remorse I was carrying. "I was shocked, overwhelmed, horrified by what I found. But Sue, you know me. I would never have wished for this outcome – I would have stopped the world to help her if I had been here!"

A long pause, and then, "But you were not here. You left. You all left. You cannot ever know the full impact of those actions. On Bella. On the children. On Charlie. On all of us, Carlisle. We are all forever impacted by what has happened in your absence."

He words were spoken without inflection, but the meaning was clear.

We had done irreparable harm to one we loved beyond measure. _How do you apologize for that?_

I felt the sob welling up in my chest before I could stop it. "I know, Sue. I do. I saw her videos. It was so much, so awful. She was so brave, and yet, it was terrifying. We should have been here. We should have been with her every step of the way. We should have been the ones to handle this, and to help her through," I spoke earnestly, my voice choking on emotion as I continued.

"We will be forever in your debt for helping her as you did. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to see you all there, supporting her. I would have given anything to be there to offer support, comfort, care – but knowing she had you all makes a world of difference. Truly, I know we can never make it right_. I_ can never make it right. But Sue, I need to try. I need to tell her…" my words were broken off by another round of sobs.

My sorrow was threatening to undertake me. _What if Sue wouldn't help me?_

"What, Carlisle? What can you possibly have to say that she would want to hear at this point?" Sue barked at me, unmoved by my upset.

"Just that I love her. That we love her. We didn't know, Sue. I swear we didn't know. Edward was not honest about the reason to leave. He told us that she had become fearful of us, and wished us to leave her be. We thought we were respecting her wishes. We thought… we were doing as she asked. We left… we left because we loved her, and wanted to honor her decision. We didn't know… we didn't know!"

"Bullshit, Carlisle," Sue responded in a menacing tone. "You left because you thought she would be a threat. If her loyalties had shifted, she posed a threat to you and your coven. That's why you left!"

Her words burned through me, because of course, they were true. I could not deny them.

"Yes, that's also true," I replied, trying to pull myself together. "That was my decision- I am programmed to protect the family at all costs. I think the family wanted a different outcome. Clearly, I should have listened to them. I was wrong. So very wrong…"

"Indeed," she offered. Nothing more.

"Let me tell her, Sue. Please. If for no other reason so that she might know, for all eternity, that she was loved beyond measure. Even as we left, it was with our hearts heavy in love for her. We have grieved her every day. We mourn her loss. Our family will never be the same without her. She needs to know, even if she cannot forgive. I want her to know how much she was loved."

Sue let out a heavy sigh. "She is not the same girl you left in Forks, Carlisle. I'm not sure you will find what you are looking for."

"I seek nothing more than an audience with her. That's all I want. You can help me with that. What else would I be looking for, Sue?"

"You are looking for forgiveness, and absolution. I would be very surprised if you found it. She has had a difficult road to travel, and has done so alone. It changes a person, Carlisle. You should know it better than anyone."

I nodded. I did.

"I understand, Sue. I will not ask her to be more than she is. I simply need her to know that it was not our intention to abandon her. I want her to have all the facts. If she then wishes for me to go, I will leave her in peace, I promise."

"And Edward?" she asked. "Will he leave her in peace when he finds out about his children? If she wishes him to leave them alone, will he respect her enough?"

I sighed. A mere 24-hours ago, I felt I knew Edward better than anyone, save Esme. Now, I had no idea what he was capable of. "I cannot be sure what Edward's reaction will be, Sue. It's all rather shocking, and he's certainly not the person I thought he was," I replied honestly.

"Then I cannot tell you where they are," she said determinedly. "If I am not assured of her safety, her protection, and her peace of mind, I will not reveal what I know."

My brain sped up. My thoughts raced. I had to find a way.

One betrayal deserved another.

"What if I went alone? Told no one? What if it was only me who approached her?" I asked, not wanting to hesitate too long.

"Are you telling me, Carlisle, that you would be willing to go to see a hostile vampire on their home turf, with no back-up, no family, and no protection?" Sue sounded incredulous.

"Yes," I said simply. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

"And if Bella sends you away? Will you protect her secret? From Edward? From your wife? From the rest of your coven? What about the ruling vampires in Italy? Will you keep the secret from them?"

I considered.

My only hesitation was Esme. She would be furious. It might be the end of us if she ever discovered the hidden truth. But then, I thought bitterly, she was already probably furious with me. We had struggled for some time. Bella might be the only way to mend our bridge, as well.

With a quiet whisper, I confirmed, "Yes. I will hold her confidence from all, if she demands it."

She considered my words.

"I hope you are being honest, Carlisle," she said finally. "If you betray her, the pack will not rest until you are destroyed."

Relief flooded me. She was going to tell me. _Thank you, dear Lord. Thank you!_

"I know. I would deserve it," I affirmed.

"She has a small property outside Vancouver. It's located along the edge of the North Shore Mountains. I trust you can find her from there?"

"Yes, I can. Thank you, Sue. Thank you so very much. I really appreciate it. Thank you for speaking with me, and giving me this opportunity. Please, give my best to Harry, won't you?"

She took a sharp breath, and then spoke in a whisper, "Harry died a few months ago, Carlisle. His surgeon left town abruptly, and the hospital hadn't found a replacement when he had the second heart attack."

She paused, gathering her voice. "I was not exaggerating earlier when I said that your departure affected everyone."

"Sue," I began, sympathy coating my words, before she cut me off.

"I don't want to hear it, Carlisle. There's nothing more to be said. Good luck with Bella. I hope, for her sake, that you find what you need there. But know that I will be holding you to your promise if you don't."

I nodded. I found it hard to speak, the shame of her confession eating into my very soul. "I know. I'm so sorry, Sue," I choked out.

I was met with a dial tone.

* * *

><p>Sue's sorrow stayed with me for some time after I hung up the phone.<p>

My intention had been to race immediately to Bella's side, and beg for her forgiveness and understanding, but something kept me in place.

Sue's grief at losing Harry hung in the air. It weighed on my heart. It meant more to me than so many other patient losses I had known before. Perhaps it was because she had helped Bella during her struggle, and yet I had not been there to help either of them when they needed me?

Perhaps it was because I was Harry's doctor, and had performed his first bypass surgery? He was a good man. And Sue had been devoted to him.

Perhaps it was because, after everything I had seen, and heard, and felt over the last 18 months, I could no longer stomach the idea of loss, especially the loss of one's mate, one's spouse.

Realizing how heart wrenching it would be to spend eternity without Esme by my side, I knew in that moment that I would have to break my word, at least in part, to Sue. I would have to.

I had made many errors over the course of my 400 years. It seemed the majority of them had been during the past two years. I was bound and determined not to make another mistake if it could be avoided.

There was one final thing I needed to do before I made my trek to Bella.

Pulling my credit card out of my wallet, I dialed for the operator, and asked to make a long distance call. After she took my payment information, I gave her a number I knew by heart.

I found myself anxious as the phone rang.

I would have much to explain, and more to own.

I was in over my head with my wife and my family, and I was desperate the gain back my absent daughter. Following my instincts had not served me well. I decided I would follow my heart, per Esme's advice, and see if that worked out any better.

"Hello?" Esme answered, her voice laced with worry and dread.

"Esme, my love," I spoke with a sigh of relief. Just hearing her voice made everything better.

"Carlisle? Oh, Carlisle, is that you?" She sounded relieved, but frantic.

I realized in that moment that I had simply vanished without a trace. No phone, no destination – I had simply left. It had been nearly three days! No wonder she was panicked!

"Yes, sweetheart, yes, it's me. I'm so sorry for not calling earlier. It's hard to even begin to know where to start…" I was going to explain, but my wife cut me off.

"You're sorry? You're sorry! Carlisle, I have been frantic! I have been wild with worry over here! Where are you? How dare you just take off like that? Do you know what that did to me?"

She was irate, but she was also relieved. I could hear the tears threatening to overtake her.

I was an ass.

"Oh, my love. I'm so sorry. I never meant to worry you. I just, something happened – I don't even know how to explain it, but it was like an epiphany of sorts, only completely ridiculous, of course. And I just found myself moving. I didn't even really process that I had left for days. I know it was thoughtless and irresponsible, and I'm so sorry for troubling you, it's just…"

I was rambling, hoping to get my story in, but again, I was interrupted my wife.

"Troubling me? Carlisle, do you realize what you've done? I've been beside myself in worry! In the last 2 years, I have watched each of my children abandon this family, one by one, and you and I have been fighting and struggling for some time, and then you wander off with not a single word of explanation and are gone for days with no phone call or communication of any kind, and you think you might have troubled me? Troubled me? Damn-it, Carlisle, I thought you had left me!"

She had been screaming, but as she finished, her voice broke, and she began crying. Hard.

I made my wife cry. I reduced the love of my life to this. This was my fault. Yet another error in a growing list of things I didn't know how to make better. I hated myself for causing her this grief. I hated myself for not understanding that she would feel this way.

I was a miserable ass.

"Esme," I soothed, trying to console her over the phone, "please, love. Please, settle yourself. I would never do that. I love you, Esme. You are my world! I could never, would never do that. I am so sorry for being so thoughtless. I never even considered that my actions would be perceived in such a way!"

Her scratchy breaths continued, each one a dagger to my already wounded heart.

"Esme, please. Calm yourself. I did not mean to hurt you, but I can see that I have. I am so very sorry, my darling. Truly. Whatever may happen between us, you will always be at the very center of my universe. Oh, love, I'm sorry that you felt otherwise. I have been making such a mess of things," I said, trailing off as I finished.

"You certainly have!" she agreed through her tears. " Where are you, anyway?"

I looked around me at the deserted road, ramshackle gas station, and lonely pay phone booth. "I'm a bit in the middle of nowhere right now, actually, Esme," I replied with a chuckle.

"Carlisle," she scolded, not seeing the humor in my answer, and still pulling herself together a bit, "I hope that you did not cause me all this worry and grief only to vacation in the middle of nowhere! Now, tell me plainly, what is going on? Where are you, and what are you doing there?"

I could sense her mounting frustration, and I suddenly knew that telling her I was in Forks would not be wise. She would explode. She would never speak to me again. And she would, I realized, be just in her reactions.

She had been begging to return to Forks for a year, and I had denied her at every turn. And yet, here I stood, a few miles from the center of her universe, while she waited for me back in Ithaca.

No, if I had any hope of rectifying our marriage, I could not reveal this latest error over the phone. It must be done in person, and I would probably have to have Bella by my side to get the forgiveness I needed.

"Esme," I began carefully, formulating my approach, "I understand that I have abused your trust, hurt your feelings, and upset you greatly in my hasty departure. I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now," I hedged.

"That is correct, Carlisle," she bit back quickly. "My patience is running out, and I demand to know what's going on!"

"I shall tell you, my love, I promise I will," I tried to mollify her harsh tone, "but I'd like to ask one final favor before I do so. It would make all the difference, I think," I finished.

"All the difference in what? Carlisle, I'm growing extremely weary of these games you are playing."

"The difference between you killing me, and not." I said dryly. " Sweetheart, please. Do me one final courtesy, and then I shall explain everything."

Hesitantly, and with a good deal of ire in her tone, she asked, "What is it you need, Carlisle?"

"Could you please book a flight to Vancouver? Possibly to arrive the day after tomorrow?"

My request was met with silence.

"Esme?" I asked, when she still had not replied.

"Carlisle," she asked carefully, "are you in Vancouver right now?"

"No," I responded truthfully. "I'm not. But I have plans to be there in two days. I would very much like to meet you at the airport and tell you about my adventures in person. I should very much like to see you again, my love."

"And you need me to come there, rather than wait for you to come home?" She sounded like she was trying to put together a puzzle.

I was not ready for her to figure it out on her own.

"Yes, something along those lines. Please, my darling. Please come meet me in Vancouver. After we've spoken in person, you can decide on all future courses of action."

I was met with another long pause.

Finally, she spoke, and her voice was hard and determined. "Fine, Carlisle," she said, "I will meet you in Vancouver. I shall catch the first flight in, the day after tomorrow. And then you will explain yourself. And then," she said with a great pause and breath, "and then, I'm going to take you up on that offer. I'm going have a turn at planning things from now on. Understood?"

I hadn't intended my words the way that she interpreted them, but at this point, I was desperate. I agreed readily.

"Yes, love, I understand. Thank you! Thank you for meeting with me!"

She gave a little snort over the phone. "I'm not sure I had a choice in the matter. But Carlisle, I warn you.. that is about to change!"

"Consider me warned, Esme. Thank you again. I love you. Truly, I do."

She gave a great sigh. "I love you too, Carlisle. See you in two days." With that, she hung up.

* * *

><p>I sped through the forest, yet again.<p>

I was going to need to get some new clothes while in Vancouver. My tuxedo was a bit worse for wear after all this time in the forest.

I hunted along the way, but still managed to make good time.

It was late morning when I caught my first hint of them. I had followed the mountain range at its edge, staying hidden in the tree line, and occasionally in the trees themselves. I had been carefully exploring the area all morning when I sensed them. Two small, heavy, slow heartbeats were ahead of me. Too small to be a wild animal, too heavy to be vermin, and too slow to be human.

I was hearing the heartbeats of my grandchildren.

I pulled myself into the trees, and moved as silently as I could towards the sound.

I wanted to observe them before I made a move.

It wasn't long before I saw the roof line of a little house. As I moved closer still, I could make out the shrill cries and laughter of their tiny voices. And then I could hear Bella, her own voice magical after all of this time, reaching me up at my perch.

I moved closer still. I could see them now. Little legs being chased in circles by the graceful movements of a stunning vampire. Bright smiles, and from the little girl especially, lots of giggles. Bella let out a few giggles of her own. I watched as she swooped in, scooped them both into her arms in once smooth movement, and ran them in circles. The children screamed in delight. She then plopped them back onto the ground, and all three of them stood regaining their balance with big smiles on their faces.

She was happy. She was healthy. She was breathtakingly beautiful, and still so very warm and lovely and just… Bella. She looked free, and she looked confident. I was overwhelmed with joy to see her so happy.

My grandchildren were stunning.

The little boy looked so much like a human Edward, and when he flashed his eyes in my direction, I was so startled by the bright green orbs that I almost fell out of the tree I was perched in. It was so wonderful that it was almost painful to see him like that, young and playful. It made me ache for the Edward I had always known. I wondered if he had ever known innocence like his son.

The smaller version of Bella was a ball of energy. She flitted everywhere, and she was nonstop giggles. Her hair was all Edward, but her eyes were deep and rich like Bella's. Her face was heart-shaped like her mother's as well. She was also a little tomboy – I could see dirt smudges on the knees of her pants and at her elbows. Just like her mother, I found myself thinking wistfully.

Bella gathered them up, and shepherded them inside. From my perch, I could no longer see them, but I could hear their quiet conversations and I could tell when they were done with lunch, and moving towards a nap.

A nap! They sleep!

I listened, with a full heart and a heavy conscience, as Bella softly sang them to sleep.

Once she had finished, I decided it was now or never.

I knew she was alright in this new life – I could see that from the trees.

I just needed to know if there was a chance. Any chance at all. I wanted to know my baby girl again. I wanted to meet my grandchildren.

And I wanted to bring my family back together again, and I was certain Bella was the key to my success.

With bated breath, I knocked on the door, and then moved back to the bottom step, hoping to give her some space.

There was a pause, and then I heard it. A small gasp from the other side of the door.

I watched as the knob turned, and the door pulled back to reveal my beautiful baby girl, hand over her mouth, eyes filled with emotion.

She was so beautiful. She was so good. _She was alive!_

All of my grief and love and worry bubbled up in one moment as I looked at her.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn't form the words. All I could manage was a simple, "Bella."

Even speaking her name seemed irreverent somehow. I knew I had no right to be here.

She looked down at me, emotions flickering over her face at breakneck speed.

Her face remained somewhat impassive, but her eyes told a different story. She was overwhelmed.

I saw a flash of longing. I felt my arms twitch, want to go and hold her.

I saw a flash of grief. I felt mine bubble of up as well.

I saw a flash of distain, and I knew it well. I knew I had disappointed her greatly.

And then, I saw a flash of anger.

Before I even could process it, I found myself lifted up, dangling above, held against a tree by an invisible force, while my once meek, mild, human daughter greeted me in a furious growl.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing here, Carlisle?"

In that moment, she was furious.

She was lethal.

She was vampire.

She was magnificent.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Props to one reader who asked where Harry Clearwater was in all of this. You literally read my mind! <strong>

**Many thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and comments. It's pretty exhilarating to put time into something like this, and to be able to get comments and feedback from you back. It really makes a difference. **

**BTW - I have a few story recs for you, as I've been doing a lot of re-reading lately. If you haven't read _January_ by Owenic or _Unplanned Perfection_ by littlecat358, you really should. They are both ones I always come back to when I need inspiration. Oh, and Torn, by Dooba, which is still in progress, is probably one of the most heart-wrenching stories I've ever read, but I do love it. You will need Kleenex, but if you love Esme, this is a great Esme story. Me, I love me some Esme.**


	17. Chapter 17 Confrontations Bella

**Chapter 17 – Confrontation (Bella)**

As he dangled from his perch smashed up against my tallest tree, the look on Carlisle's face was priceless.

It was clear that he couldn't believe his little human daughter was capable of such violence. Little did he know, I had proven that I was capable of far worse over the past two years.

Amazingly, he didn't look afraid, exactly – rather he looked stunned, and a little impressed. I couldn't decide if that pleased me or pissed me off. He had no right to offer commentary on how I was doing.

After a moment of silence, he seemed to regain some of himself, and attempted to answer my question.

"Bella, sweetheart, I know you must be angry with us, all of us, but I'd like to speak with you about everything. There have been some serious misunderstandings…"

I cut him off before he could continue.

"Misunderstandings? Carlisle, I don't think there have been any misunderstandings!" I bellowed at him.

"Did I misunderstand it when Edward left me in the forest? Did I misunderstand it when the entire family, including you, up and left without so much as goodbye? Did I misunderstand it, Carlisle, when I got to carry and deliver half-vampire twins all by myself? Did I misunderstand it when I broke my father's heart in making him think I ran away? I don't think I misunderstood ANYTHING, Carlisle!" I screamed.

My shield shook with my anger, and as such, Carlisle's form rocked against the tree. I was struggling to retain control, and I needed to calm down. I just didn't know how.

"Oh, and please don't stand there and tell me you know how I'm feeling, Carlisle! You know nothing about what all I've been through! Watching a few videos does not compare to living through something like this. Especially when you're doing it ALONE!"

I was screeching. I began pacing. Carlisle dangled above me, seemingly beginning to be aware of how much danger he was in. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried again.

"Bella, I misspoke. You are correct – I couldn't possibly appreciate all that you've been through. I'm so sorry for implying otherwise. But Bella, there are things you need to know! We didn't have the proper information – we left under a falsehood! We never would have left had the truth been laid plainly before us!" Carlisle's voice was raising – I could feel him getting desperate to reach me.

I was so angry. I didn't know how to calm down enough to listen.

"Whatever you thought, whatever you were told, it couldn't have been enough to leave! You just left me there, Carlisle! I loved you, I loved you all, and you just left me there! I would never have done that to you! Never!"

I was embarrassed by the tiny sob that squeaked out at the end of my rant. _I was angry, damn-it! Angry! Not upset!_! I was not ready to reveal how hurt I was.

"I know you wouldn't, dear girl, I know." With those words, Carlisle's voice caught, and he sounded more broken than I could have possibly imagined. It made me pause in my tracks, and turn and really look at him.

He looked dreadful. His eyes, which had been wild with fear and adrenaline upon our initial encounter, were now dull with regret and sorrow. His posture was slumped. He was no longer pleading for forgiveness, rather resigned to my anger.

It made me sad to look at him. He had been the most noble, most regal man I had ever known. And now, here before me, he looked like little more than boy, tired and beaten, and desperate to find peace.

"Bella, I've questioned many things over the last two years, but nothing more than my decision to take the family and go. Even firmly believing the falsehood presented to us, I didn't feel right about it, but my instinct to protect the family overrode everything else. When I read your letters, when I saw your video, I learned the truth of what had happened, or at least, some of the truth, and I was furious. I was furious for the lies that had been propagated certainly, but more than that, I was furious with myself for ever having believed any of it. Because you are correct, my dear sweet girl – you would never leave us like that."

With that, he closed his eyes and hung his head. It was heartbreaking to see this man who I had revered look so defeated. I wanted to go to him, comfort him, and ease his pain.

And yet, I didn't.

I was still hurting. And now, I was angry that with a few simple words, he was undoing my resolve to be strong and determined, and to remain firmly in control of my path.

_If I couldn't be strong when faced with Carlisle, what hope did I have when Edward came around?_ And he must certainly be on his way, if Carlisle was here. _Oh god,_ I thought. _I am not ready for that. I am not ready for Edward!_ It is impossible to stay angry with him, and yet, I have a right to my anger! I want to own it, and make everyone else acknowledge it! I will not have my feelings, my needs, be trampled upon any further!

Anger surged within me again, and this time, I used that anger to propel Carlisle to the ground. Rather than simply drop him, I used my shield to hurl him towards the driveway. He landed in a cloud of dust, and had he been human, I was quite certain all of the bones in his body would have shattered upon impact.

"You're damn right I wouldn't, Carlisle! My love wasn't conditional. It didn't matter to me if you were vampires or human, a teenager or a centenarian, rich or poor, or wanting to drain me dry every time I came into the room – I loved you! I thought you loved me! Do you know what it's like to be betrayed and abandoned by the very people you've given your life, your trust, and your heart to? Because it sucks, Carlisle! It really sucks!"

He stood slowly, not bothering to brush the dust from his clothing. He moved slowly towards me, even as I felt myself steeling my resolve so that I wouldn't back up as he approached me. I would show no fear!

"Believe it or not, Bella, I do know something about that. I had a friend like that once. I thought of him as a son. He was my very first friend in this vampire life, and I took great pride in watching him excel under my tutelage. I shared everything with him. I trusted him with all that I am, and built my life and family around him. I think I would have called him, in a very platonic sense, my very first vampire love. Just because it's familial love doesn't mean it's any less strong, does it, Bella?"

I shook my head, knowing how strongly I had loved my vampire family. I wasn't sure where he was going with this, but he had me captivated. The good Doctor Cullen was subdued, but no less effective in relaying his tale. I was slightly mesmerized.

"I felt I was his confidant and his best friend, in addition to being his mentor and father-figure. I thought we were close enough that he would confide in me anything. I trusted him with the security of our family, and I thought he was my right-hand man."

Carlisle stopped moving, taking a moment to run his hand through this hair in a very Edward-like gesture. It made me wonder in that moment – did he pick that up from Edward, or was it the other way around?

"Bella, that man betrayed me. He lied to me, and to our entire family, about a matter of the heart, and he relayed a false threat to us in hopes of swaying a very important decision. Once he accomplished his desired outcome, he wounded us once again by abandoning our family, leaving us further heartbroken and fractured. It took months, more than a year actually, for me to learn the truth of his ultimate deception. We are all still suffering from the damage done."

He started moving towards me again, albeit very slowly. I just stood stock still and slightly crouched in a defensive position, watching him come.

"I do know what your betrayal feels like, Bella, I do. Because I have been betrayed just as you have, and somewhat ironically, my own betrayal resulted in our betrayal of you, unbeknownst to us. You see, Bella, Edward betrayed me, and our entire family, on the same day he betrayed you. He lied to us, Bella, and I'm reasonably sure that he lied to you as well, although I cannot figure out for me the life of me why he would do it."

He shook his head sadly. I found myself not knowing what to do or what to say. I wanted to know more, but I found I was not about to ask for anything from anyone with the last name of Cullen.

Carlisle stilled then, pausing nearly 50 feet away to give me some time to process what he was saying. His eyes were still dull, but within them I saw flashes: pain, longing, heartache, grief, and even a small flicker of hope danced in and out of his eyes.

I found myself thinking about what he was telling me. Edward had told him something false to encourage them to leave Forks. I think I needed to know what that lie was. Knowing wouldn't make anything right, but it might help me to understand.

"What did Edward tell you that day, Carlisle?" I finally asked. I hated myself for rising to the bait, but I absolutely needed to know.

He sighed. "He came to see me at the hospital. I would imagine he came directly after leaving you. I still don't know what all he said to you, Bella, and if you would help clarify for me, it might put some of this in better context."

There was a question in his voice. He wanted me to go first. Well, that was not going to happen. This wasn't a quid pro quo situation. I was obligated to share nothing, and I wasn't going to relive my worst day just to appease idle curiosity.

"You first, Carlisle," I responded coldly. "I don't feel up to sharing just yet."

He nodded. "Of course, I apologize."

He began again, talking softly, and speaking gingerly. I could tell he was worried about my reaction.

"He arrived in a great rush, nearly tearing down the door to my office in his panic. He insisted that we needed to leave immediately. He was determined. Focused. I asked him what could have caused his sudden change of heart, and he told me that it was at your request, Bella."

He paused, and then looked at me apologetically. "I should have seen it for the falsehood it was immediately. My heart told me that his words were uncharacteristic of you, but my instinct, well, my instinct was screaming to protect the family."

He gave a bitter smile and a slight shrug. "Esme has been trying to explain to me about the importance of listening to one's heart above all else, but I am a creature of habit, I'm afraid, and have not been a good pupil. She's furious with me," he trailed off.

I shook my head. He was all over the place. I needed details that he was not sharing. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I also registered surprise that Esme would be angry with Carlisle. I had never seen a harsh word or glance between them. I would have to come back to that later.

"Carlisle, please focus. What exactly did Edward tell you?" My voice was cold and hard. I wasn't leaving room for the emotions that pushed at the edges of my mind.

"He told me that you had done some thinking about things, as they related to the incident with Jasper," he said softly. "He told me that you had finally realized the very real danger that you were in when you spent time with our family. He claimed that you had finally found your sense of self-preservation, and as such, you had grown fearful of us and wished us to leave you be. He said that you had changed your mind about changing into a vampire, as you didn't want to turn into a creature like Jasper."

Carlisle had been looking at his feet as he spoke, but on the last line, he looked up, and gazed directly into my eyes. I knew he was looking for any evidence of truth to the statements that Edward had made.

I stared back at him, hard. "And did you believe him, Carlisle? Merely days after you and I spoke as you stitched up my arm and we discussed the goodness I saw within you, within Edward… did you believe him?" I couldn't help the accusatory tone in my voice.

"I didn't want to believe it, Bella," he began, his voice soft and laced with regret. His eyes wandered back to the ground. He would no longer make eye contact with me. "But ultimately, it did seem logical for a human girl in your position to feel that way. Edward seemed distraught, heartbroken even, and I had no reason to believe he would be untruthful. So yes, ultimately, I did believe it."

I felt my rage burn again. I could barely contain it. My hands were balled into fists as I stared down this man I had admired and found flawless in my naïve youth.

"So even though we had _just_ discussed my immortality, and my faith in each of you, moments after _the Jasper incident_," I said, lacing the last three words with heavy sarcasm. I was thinking of the whole thing more as _the Edward incident_ in my own mind. "Even after seeing my calm demeanor and knowing me as well as you did, you chose Edward's word over your knowledge and understanding of me. Does that about sum things up, Carlisle?"

My tone was bitter, dry, and cold. I was not screaming now – I was too enraged for that.

He cleared his throat. He shoved his hands in his pockets. His head hang low as he muttered, "Yes, I suppose it does."

I felt my heart crack under his confession. I felt all the hurt and longing come pouring out of me. I was suddenly not a wronged vampire in a tiff with another coven – I was a daughter who was slighted by her father, who had chosen his favored son over her happiness. I was devastated.

Falling to my knees, I couldn't help the cry that escaped, along with the question of a lifetime, "Did you ever love me at all?"

I clutched my chest, somehow trying to keep my heart from breaking, as sobs tore loud and forcefully from me. Nearly two years of grief and heartache were overwhelming me with his quiet confession. I felt all of my worst fears confirmed in that moment.

I would never be good enough.

I would never fit in, or be normal. Even by vampires.

I would never know the love of a true family.

I would always been on the periphery, never fully involved.

I would never be seen as an equal.

I would never just be loved as a daughter.

My whole life came crumbling down, as I realized that once again, I was just second best.

I was always the caregiver with my parents – more a grownup in many ways than either of them, and never important enough to warrant the normal attentions parents gave their children.

I was always the "other friend". My friends had people they preferred to spend time with, but in their absence, I would receive a phone call as a back up.

I was overlooked in the shine of my mother's new marriage, and I was always second fiddle to Charlie's fishing trips and work commitments.

The first time I felt even remotely accepted or on equal footing was with my vampire family, and the first time I ever just felt like a kid was in the presence of Carlisle and Esme.

It was more than I could bear to know it had meant more to me than them.

I was becoming consumed by my agony, when I saw Carlisle kneel before me. In mere seconds he had come to me, and even as I fought him, he wrapped his arms around me, tucked my head under his chin, and held me close. He was rocking me back and forth, and between my sobs, I could hear the quiet chant, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry."

I fought him with little punches to the chest. He made no move to stop me, but I didn't let me go, either. If anything, his grip tightened. He smelled so good – his scent reminded me of a better time and place. It smelled of home. After a moment or two of half-heartedly fighting him, I succumbed to his comfort.

In my heart of hearts, I knew this is what I had wanted from the moment he showed up on my doorstep.

I cried. He held me. I shook in pain and grief, and he soothed me.

Over and over, his soft apologies slipped into my subconscious, and I felt my soul eagerly take them in. I wanted them to be true. I wanted that so badly.

After some time, my sobs subsided, and I took deep breaths that smelled of Carlisle. Warm leather, cinnamon, and antiseptic. Carlisle. Well, and dust from the gravel on the driveway. But that was my fault.

Once I was still, he began speaking so softly that, even as a vampire, I had to strain to hear him.

"I know I've let you down. I've let everyone down. Our family is in shambles, Bella, and it's all because of you."

I could feel my ire returning, and tried to pull away to begin arguing. He would not let me go.

"Not for the reasons you think, Bella. We fell apart because we needed you. Our family was only complete with you by our sides. We missed you, all of us, so very much, sweetheart. We couldn't bear to be without you. This whole time, we've been thinking that you hated us and feared us, and it destroyed us. You don't know how much it meant to have you love us as you did, Bella. We thrived on it. Your loved changed us all. Without it, without you, we just fell apart."

He paused, and leaned back only slightly to give me a gentle, tender kiss on my forehead. It lingered, and I could feel my heart mending with every second he showed me this unusual display of affection. "We loved you, Bella. We loved you so much that without you, we could not find happiness. Please don't doubt it, my beautiful girl. I know we have wronged you in ways that may never be forgiven, but please don't doubt our love for you. My love for you."

I started crying again.

I had longed for these words my whole life. From my mother, Charlie, and of course, from Carlisle and Esme. It was beyond measure to hear them finally. I just wondered why we had to go through all this heartbreak to get to this point.

"Shh, baby girl, shhh," he soothed. I found that without even thinking about it, my arms moved from in between our chests to his waist, and I clung to him tightly, hoping I could believe everything I was hearing.

It was so good to see him again.

"Bella," he spoke again, softly, timidly. "I have so many things to atone for, and I know that it may still never be enough, but I would very much like to try and find peace with you. I know the family would feel the same. In fact, I've already called Esme, and she is on her way to join us, although she does not know the reason why. I am hopeful that with some time, and hard discussions, we can come back together. I know it's too much to ask, but, well, do you think it might be possible?"

He was a clever man, that Carlisle. Wrapped securely in his embrace with promises of Esme on the horizon, it was hard to deny him anything.

And yet, I had not forgotten how we got here, and I knew it was not going to be that simple. Certainly not for me, but probably not for anyone else, either.

"I don't know, Carlisle," I answered softly into his chest. "I've been carrying around this anger and hurt for a long time. It doesn't just go away," I said truthfully. "And I won't go back to the way things were before, Carlisle. I won't have decisions being made for me or about me. I'm not that little human girl anymore."

"I am very aware of that, my dear," he said with a chuckle. "I'm reasonably sure my human Bella could not launch me 100 feet into the dust as you have!" We were both silent for a minute, remembering. I let out a little giggle as I envisioned the dust cloud in my mind. Then he spoke again, with a tinge of regret in his voice, "I hope you won't mind me saying it, Bella, but as impressed as I am with the vampire version of you, there is a part of me that will miss my little human daughter. She was the only one of her kind."

"I won't miss her," I said bitterly. "She was weak and complacent, and unsure. She let herself be manipulated and bullied. I have not brought that part of myself into this life, Carlisle. I hope you are prepared for that." I pulled back slightly, so I could make eye contact with him. I wanted him to see how serious I was about this.

He nodded at me. "Understood, Bella," he said sincerely.

"But what I will miss was her loving, giving heart, her easy acceptance of things she didn't understand, and her gift for making everyone feel at ease and appreciated in both big and little ways. She truly touched all of our hearts with her kindness, that little human girl. I've never known acceptance from a human like that before. As a vampire, I'd never experienced the gift of human love before you quite literally stumbled into our life, Bella. None of us had. I hope that your capacity for love is something that you did bring into this new life, my dear."

I was desperate for the ability to cry, as Carlisle's words touched something deep within me. Perhaps my perception of things was not entirely accurate, after all.

That man certainly had a way with words.

Damn him.

"She's in there, Carlisle," I answered slowly, as I tucked myself back into his embrace. "But she's bruised and broken, and hesitant to reveal herself these days. I'm afraid you won't find her as generous with her love as she once was."

I could feel him nod against the top of my head. "I would imagine her trust would need to be earned," he said cautiously.

"Yes, I imagine it would," I answered.

"Perhaps the first step in all of this is to clear the air, Bella. Maybe we could speak of our experiences apart, so that we might find a way to come together again? I can't even imagine what you've been through, my dear, and I have news that would probably tear at your memory of our little family as well. There is much to discuss."

I nodded, unwilling to pull back just yet. I knew we needed to talk. I was just concerned that I would get angry again, and I was so tired of being angry.

"Yes, Carlisle, that sounds like a good plan. I think I'd like to place some ground rules, though," I said into his chest.

He pulled back so that he could look me in the eye. "Anything."

I felt myself reluctantly remove myself from his embrace, stand, and begin pacing along the tree line.

What did I want? What did I need? I wanted to make amends, but I wanted it on my terms. Just what exactly were those?

I turned to look at him, and noticed that he had risen from his knees, but was leaning back against the railing of my porch, watching me. I knew I needed to be firm, because I was quite certain that with enough time, this man could talk me into anything.

"Okay… here are some basic guidelines for going forward. I reserve the right to amend or add to my rules at any time. If you can't abide by them, Carlisle, I think our discussions will have to be terminated until you can. Agreed?"

I looked at me for a moment, and I swear I saw a flash of paternal pride dart through his gaze before it was gone, and his eyes were serious once more. "Bella, I'm grateful to be here at all. Let me know what you need, and I will make every effort to accommodate you."

I nodded. I halted my pacing, and turned to face him full on.

"Rule number one: I will not tolerate any future decisions that affect me or my children being made without my direct involvement and full participation. This includes," I continued quickly when I saw him begin to interrupt, "silent conversations through Edward's mind, hiding or mis-communicating Alice's visions, withholding information that relates to myself or my children, and/or making assumptions about what I will and will not be willing to do. Neither you, nor anyone else, has the right to make decisions about the future for myself or my children, and I will not tolerate it should anyone try. My free will is not to be toyed with. Understood?"

He nodded, looking slightly ashamed. As he should.

"Rule number two: I will not tolerate any judgment about decisions that I made after your departure, or decisions that I made that are in some way related to your departure. When you left me, you gave up all rights to offer opinions in hindsight. The decisions I made, whether good, bad, or otherwise, were made in large part because you were not there to offer help or advice. I can guarantee you that if you second-guess my actions now, I am going to lose all patience and our attempts at reconciliation will be over. Fair?"

I shot daggers at him with my eyes, hoping to drive home my point. He nodded, but raised a finger in question.

"Point of clarification on this rule, Bella?" he asked. A little piece of me loved that he was afraid to push. I nodded, and indicated that he should continue.

"May I ask questions about previous actions or decisions, not for the purpose of judgment, but for the purpose of clarity? Would that be alight?"

He looked so concerned. I almost wanted to laugh. I knew Doctor Cullen had to have a billion questions about my untraditional pregnancy and birth, and probably even more about my post-transformation life. Nevermind his thoughts on the children. The poor man would probably lose his mind if he could not investigate thoroughly.

I decided to throw him a bone. "Questions for the sake of understanding are allowed. But I warn you to be careful of your tone, Carlisle. I am, after all, still a newborn vampire, and as you've probably noticed, I'm not entirely in control of my mood swings just yet. Please leave no room for confusion in your reason for asking."

He nodded. "Thank you, Bella. I will be selective and cautious in my questioning."

Again, I hid my smile. He was anxious to begin, I could tell.

"Rule number three: my children are exactly that: my children. When you abandoned me, you abandoned them. The only family they know besides me is a select group of Quileute who sacrificed their principles and personal safety to help bring them into the world. You have no claims on them. At least, until I tell you otherwise. I will be the only one making decisions for them. I will be the only one parenting them. I will decide what information they have access to, and you will follow my lead when it comes to interacting with them. My word is law. Absolutely no negotiations allowed."

I saw a frown grace Carlisle's features at this, and after a moment a reluctant nod. He had something he wanted to say on this point, and I figured I best hear it now.

"You have a question about this, don't you, Carlisle?" I asked.

He looked a little surprised at me, and then gave a little smile, and nodded. "I forgot how perceptive you are, Bella." He said softly, affectionately. "I am perfectly willing to subscribe to this rule, my dear, but I think you should know that you may encounter trouble from others. Most immediately Esme and Rosalie, and I would encourage you to consider what Edward will think of this rule upon his return. Like it or not, he is the father to your children."

I looked at him long and hard, and then answered with a tone that left no room for argument. "If Esme or Rosalie cannot respect my role as mother and head of my family, then they can leave. It's just that simple. As for Edward, I was not under the impression that he would be visiting soon. Have you invited him?"

Carlisle shook his head. He looked apprehensive.

"Good. Because I am not ready to see him, and as far as I am concerned, he is currently not welcomed here. Even if that should change, I will not be sharing my parenting abilities with anyone, Edward included, until I am quite confident that they are a good influence on my children. Currently, I don't feel that Edward is father material. If you anticipate a time when you will, once again, choose Edward's needs over mine, I suggest you leave now, Carlisle."

He gasped at my words. I had hurt him. But he had hurt me first.

I stared at him. He stared back.

After a moment that felt like a lifetime, he lowered his head, and ran his fingers through his hair. Finally, he said, "I will not interfere with any decisions you make about the children, Bella, even if I don't agree with them."

"Are you sure? Because we can end this now, if you aren't." I needed him to be clear in his choice.

He raised his eyes and looked directly at me as he said, "Yes, I am sure. I will never give you cause to question my loyalty again."

I held his look for a moment longer, and then gave a single nod.

"This brings me to the final rule: rule number four: No one meets my children until they have pledged not to abandon my family. I will not have my children fall in love with you all, only to have you walk away without a word and hurt them as you've hurt me. I will not have it. I will need to know that you aren't going to run away again. I will need a solemn commitment from each of you before you enter that house. Because if you hurt my children the way you've hurt me, I will kill you, Carlisle. Don't think I won't – I've already killed one vampire that threatened my family. I will do it again if I need to."

His eyes were wide as he took me in. The air was tense between us.

"You would kill your own family, Bella?" he asked in a whisper.

I looked at him long and hard. "You forget, Carlisle," I answered back calmly. "I am not a Cullen. I have not been accepted into your family, neither as your daughter nor as Edward's wife. I am an Allison, as are my children. And like you, I will choose my family above anyone else's, including yours."

He let out another great gasp. He was clearly rattled by my statement, but I wasn't sure why. He had never made me a Cullen. Edward hadn't either. I didn't understand where the confusion came from.

"Bella," he whispered softly, "surely you don't mean that. Surely,"

I cut him off. I wanted it to be clear. "I do mean it, Carlisle. I do. Let me be blunt. I am not a Cullen, nor are my children. You have never asked, and I have never accepted. As such, I am my own head-of-family, and my children are my family members. I have full autonomy over my actions, and theirs. I will accept nothing less. I will not make promises for the future. I will take reconciliation one day at a time, one person at a time. If, after some healing has occurred, either you or I wish to change the status of our respective families, we can address it then. Until then, I fully expect you, and everyone else, to respect me as the head vampire of the Allison coven. Because that is who I am."

"But Bella," he pled, almost stuttering over my name, "my venom runs in your veins. You are part of us. You always have been!"

"Does it, Carlisle? Are you sure? Can you state with certainty that you are my sire? Because I don't remember you biting me. I authorized the use of three vials of venom. Are you sure yours was one of them? And even if it was, I am not yours alone. I used multiple vials so as not to belong to any one person. I am my own person, Carlisle. I am not yours. At least not until I decide to be."

He looked shocked at my revelation. I saw him searching his brain for a clue as to whose venom I had used, no doubt using his perfect vampire recollection to search the video footage. I knew he would not find the answer. I removed all the labels on purpose. Only I knew the truth of my sires. Sue, Emily, and Jacob didn't even know.

As predicted, his eyes met mine after a moment, and in them, I saw the truth. He did not know who had sired me.

"As I thought." I stated simply. "Now, back to rule #4. You must pledge allegiance to my children before you meet them. They already know of you all, you see. The second you walk through that door, they will recognize you from your photos. There will be no going back. If you commit to them, you can have a relationship with them. If not, you are welcomed to leave now."

I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. I stared at Carlisle and watched as the last few minutes played over and over in his mind.

Finally, he spoke.

"Sue told me that you were not the same girl I once knew. I did not believe her at the time, and in many ways, I was right. There is so much of my human daughter in you, and it warms my heart to have this second chance with you. I admit, however, that I did not anticipate this hard line you've taken towards us – towards the family. I'm a bit stunned by it, I confess."

I never broke eye contact as I replied. "You have no one to blame for the changes you've found but yourself. I have been forever impacted by what has happened. Forgiveness can only go so far. I will never forget, Carlisle. Unfortunately for us all, my memory lasts forever. These are my conditions. Accept them, or leave."

He looked me over, with a sad smile and an air of resignation on his face. "I accept them. I could deny you nothing. But Bella, just so you know, it is my hope that someday, we will get to a place where our two families are reunited into one. I will be working towards that aim every day."

It was my turn to nod. "It sounds lovely, Carlisle. I hope we get there someday as well," I said softly, sadly.

He nodded. Another moment of silence passed between us.

He was waiting for me to make the first move. I took this as an excellent sign that my message had been received, loud and clear. I found myself relaxing, however slightly, and more willing to open up to him.

"Now that the rules are in place, I feel a little more comfortable moving forward. I suspect you have some questions for me?" I asked.

A small smirk found its way onto Carlisle's face. He nodded, trying unsuccessfully to hide his building enthusiasm.

"Why don't we go inside then, and make ourselves comfortable. The kids will be waking up soon, and I'm certain they would be delighted to meet their grandfather." I said with a small smile.

Carlisle looked at me for a beat, and then a huge smile broke out over his face. It was dazzling. Even though the layer of dust that covered him from head to toe, and the grief that still weighed down his shoulders, that grin could blind a girl with its impact. Esme was lucky indeed.

"You need to get cleaned up," I admonished him, "and then we need to go over everything. Including why Esme is so angry with you," I added, remembering his earlier comment.

His grin faded, and he gave me a small smile as he nodded.

"Let's get to it, then," he said, gesturing towards the house. "We have a lot of ground to cover before the children wake up."

I approached him then, hesitantly, and then offered him a small, soft smile as he extended his arm, crooked at the elbow, in invitation. I gently slid my arm through his, and we made our way up the porch stairs together.

We had a long way to go. But we were finally on the path together.

It was a start.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Our two protaganists are reunited once more. Yay! I had hoped to cover more ground with this chapter, but the characters had other ideas. Don't worry - there will be more over the next couple of chapters.<strong>

**Two fun items: **

**1). Many thanks to _lightbabe_ for being my 100th review! You rock! As do all of my reviewers.**

**2). I'm so flattered that _Camilla10_ has nominated this story for an Eclipse Award for Best Carlisle. Voting begins May 5th. I'm still learning about all of this stuff, so I don't know much more than that, but I encourage you all to check it out at www (dot) twilighteclipseawards (dot) blogspot (dot)com. Many thanks to _Camilla10_ for the incredible honor.**


	18. Chapter 18 Confrontations Carlisle

**Chapter 18 – Confrontations (Carlisle)**

Entering her home brought instant comfort. _This_ felt like the girl I once knew. It was warm, comfortable, _homey_. Plush sofas welcomed lazy days, and the honey colored wood bookshelves, with dark wicker baskets that no doubt contained toys for the children, spoke of ease and familiarity. She was not out to win design awards – she was about making a happy home for her family. I saw my Bella in this house.

This brought me no small comfort, as the girl I met on the porch was something else entirely!

I still was a bit unclear as to how she had propelled me into the treetops, and later tossed me downward without lifting a finger. It would appear she had a vampire gift, but as yet, I didn't know what exactly it was… only that it was very powerful, and that she was still working to control it. I hoped, with time, she would let me explore than aspect of her vampirism with her.

I could tell that it wouldn't happen today.

I found myself surprised at how direct and dominant she was. Our Bella had been a lovely, generous girl, but aside from a stubborn streak that could rival Edward's, she was fairly complacent and docile. The stunning vampire before me now was clearly not one to be reckoned with, and I knew we would all struggle to adjust. I attributed her change in demeanor to the circumstances surrounding her change. She had clearly had to fight hard and overcome incredible obstacles in order to see her children, and herself, safely into the world. As such, she would have to have found great strength and certainty within herself to do it.

She really was magnificent. I found myself exhilarated to learn all about her vampire experience to date.

She ushered me to a bathroom, where I was instructed to clean up, and then I was surprised and more than a little amused when she returned with a man's collared shirt for me to exchange for the dusty mess I was wearing. I was amused, because I recognized that shirt. It had belonged to Edward. I raised an eyebrow as she handed it to me.

"Not a word, Carlisle," she said with a warning in her voice, even as she gave me a small smile.

For now, I was going to take her advice very literally. I perceived it would not take much for her to send me away. I hoped that in time, I could tease her again, as I desperately wanted to do now. But now was not the time. Besides, it was no laughing matter, really. Not at all.

After I cleaned up, I re-entered the living room to find her curled up on one end of the sofa, staring out the window. She turned to look at me, and gave me another small smile.

"Come join me," she said simply, glancing down at the other end of the couch. With a warm smile back, I complied.

"I admit that it feels good to have you here, Carlisle. Despite my greeting, it really is wonderful to see you," she said softly. The way her head tilted, and her eyes looked away as she finished reminded me very much of the human girl I once knew. Only that girl would have been blushing, too.

"I'm incredibly relieved to be here with you, Bella. I understand that I will have to work hard to build your faith in me, but I hope you know that my intentions really are very pure. I have missed you, my dear girl."

Her eyes found mine, and she smiled again, this time looking touched, and a little shy. "I missed you too, Carlisle. So much," she answered softly.

There was a long pause between us, each revealing in our confessed feelings. It felt wonderful to know that beneath the hurt and anger was a girl who missed me, for I had desperately missed her.

After a beat, she cleared her throat.

"Maybe we should talk about the children first, before they wake up, so you'll know what to expect. We can always talk about the rest of it after they go to sleep tonight," she suggested.

I nodded. I would have preferred to discuss things chronologically, but I understood her point. And I was clearly not in a position to make any demands. That point remained excruciatingly clear.

"Well, let's see, where should we start?" she asked, looking at me.

"Well, my dear, we could start with their names…" I suggested, my voice rising at the end in a question. I knew I needed to tread lightly.

"Oh! Yes, of course," she replied, seemingly surprised. "I guess I didn't include that in the stuff I left back at the house, huh?"

I shook my head. She had not.

"Sorry about that. I wrote the letters before they were actually born, so… And then, after I was changed, I just got really wrapped up in learning how to be a mom. It didn't occur to me to go back to the letters and add anything. Sorry!"

I chuckled. "Bella, it's fine."

"Right… Um, so their names. Well, as I think I already told you, I contacted your friend Jason Jenks to get new IDs for all us because I didn't want Charlie to be able to find us. I wasn't sure what to do about a last name, but I knew I couldn't keep Swan. That wouldn't work."

"Did you ever consider taking Cullen?" I couldn't help but ask. I had hoped she would.

Her eyes hardened at my question. I realized a moment too late that I was on the precipice already of a question that had an air of judgment.

"No. I didn't. I think we've covered the reasons for that," she said with finality.

I remembered her comments about not being a part of my family, and I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I wanted her to be with us. I felt like she already was. It hurt to know that she did not reciprocate those feelings.

Still, I understood her point. We had been unclear in our motives and intentions. She made a decision based on the information that we had provided. I had no one to blame but myself.

Well, and Edward.

I looked up to see her watching me closely. I'm sure she noticed my inner struggle, but I saw no softness to her features. I realized that this was my first test. If I argued with her, or tried to convince her that she had been wrong, I would be breaking Rule #2.

With a sigh, I nodded. "I understand that we were not clear in our intentions, Bella. I'm sorry that you didn't feel that was an option for you, but I do understand how you might have gotten that impression."

She looked at me for a long minute, and then nodded. Apparently, I had passed the test.

"Right," she said, bringing us back on point. "I chose Allison as our last name. I chose it because, well, because Alice used to say that we were sisters, and I really liked that idea, even if it didn't work out. I mean, to me, we were always going to be sisters, so I wanted to have some connection to that. Even if, even if she didn't." Bella's voice trailed off at the end of her explanation, and her eyes found the window. She looked so lost and sad in that moment.

"Bella," I said gently, hoping not to raise her ire, "I know our feelings have been contradictory to what you have experienced, but I hope you will believe me when I tell you that Alice has missed you desperately. She blames herself for not preventing the incident with Jasper, and has been fighting her grief and guilt over it since before we left. I don't really think she wanted to leave Forks at all. Do you? You know her, Bella. Do you think she wanted to leave?"

Her eyes found me again, and I could see the war going on in them. For a moment, it looked like she was going to jump off the sofa and fly at me, scream at me, or begin sobbing – but then, right before my eyes, she shut down. Her eyes grew hard, and then dull, and she turned away towards the window again.

"I don't know, Carlisle," she said hollowly. "I'm not prepared to talk about that right now, I don't think."

I was shocked to see how completely closed off she had made herself. I would get nothing further from her like this, and it was clear that she was refusing to access that part of her. Maybe it was a survival instinct – handling only one betrayal at a time. I decided not to push, and to be more careful in how I talked about the others.

"Okay, sweetheart, we don't have to talk about that now," I said soothingly, hoping to bring her back to me. "Still, it was a nice gesture to name yourselves after her."

She nodded, still turned away, and said, "I didn't know her last name. So I just borrowed her first."

"She didn't know it either. She does now, though. She's spent the last year or so learning about her past, based on the information James shared back in Phoenix. I'm sure she'd love to tell you all about it when you see her next," I said calmly.

Bella shrugged. "We'll see."

Realizing that staying on this path was getting us nowhere, I tried to move the conversation along. I missed her sweet smiles and her willingness to share herself with me.

I cleared my throat, trying to begin again.

"So your last names are Allison. May I ask about their first names?"

Bella turned and looked at me, and I saw her eyes clear a little. She was refocusing on the present, which I was relieved to see.

"Sure. Well, at first, I was going to name the boy after Charlie and Jacob, but then when I saw him, I couldn't do it. He's Edward's son, and that wouldn't be right. Besides, wait until you see him. He looks just like Edward. It's really startling. So I decided that I wanted to name him after Edward somehow, but I didn't think I could actually call him Edward. It's a little too painful - the wounds are too fresh. I decided to call him Masen. Since Edward clearly hated everything about his vampire nature, I decided to name him after the human part of himself. I uh, I hope that doesn't offend you," she said uncertainly.

I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed at her generosity. Even in light of everything Edward had done to her, and everything we had done, she had named her son after him. I was not offended. I was moved beyond measure.

"Bella," I said softly, lovingly. "I think it's a wonderful name. A beautiful idea. It says as much about you as it does about him. I know Edward would be very honored. I am extremely moved myself." It was my turn to look away, as her kindness warmed me.

In typical human Bella style, she shrugged and looked away.

"Does he carry a middle name?" I asked.

She nodded. She didn't answer.

I waited.

Finally, she stole a glance at me, and said in a whisper, "His middle name is Whitlock."

I felt my mouth fall open. It was incredibly difficult to surprise me, but time and time again, this girl was doing it. I couldn't quite fathom it. Of all the members of our family, aside from Rosalie of course, Bella had the least amount of interaction with Jasper, and of course, there was also everything that happened on his birthday. I couldn't help the incredulous tone in my voice as I asked, "Why?"

Her eyes filled with fire at my question, and she leaned forward, looking directly at me, sure and intense. "Because I wanted it to be clear that I do not hold any ill will towards him. Because unlike everyone else, I do not consider that to be '_the Jasper incident_'," she said with fire, emphasizing my earlier words to her at the end.

"I consider that night to be '_the Edward incident_'. Jasper acted on instinct, nothing more. He meant me no harm – at least not personally. It wasn't really his actions that started this mess. It was Edward's reactions to it all that led us here. I didn't want there to be any confusion about my feelings for Jasper. He fought every day to be around me. He worked so hard to allow you all to get close to me. He sacrificed his comfort every time I was in the room. Jasper was the biggest champion I ever had in your family. I would be proud to have my son grow up to be a man like Jasper."

I was stunned at the power behind her words, as well as the magnitude of her feelings for him. I had just watched her close herself off from even discussing Alice, and yet here she was, passionately expressing her deep admiration for a man I hadn't considered of importance to her.

Her words struck something deep within me. I came to realize that we had all underestimated Jasper. We had simply expected that he would step up to the challenge of being around Bella, never really appreciating how hard it was for him to spend so much time with her. It was clear that Bella was far more aware of the stress she placed on him than even his family. She really was a perceptive little thing – far more perceptive than a house full of vampires, it would seem.

I then began to realize that Jasper wasn't the only one we had underestimated.

I didn't know what to say. I was so moved by her gesture, and in awe of her grace.

Eventually, something along the lines of "Oh, Bella," slipped out. I really didn't know how to process the beautiful soul seated before me.

She leaned back, and watched me. She seemed to know when I had finally realized how shabbily we had treated Jasper.

"He's still carrying around a good bit of guilt, isn't he?" she asked.

I nodded, still not sure I could find my voice.

"I hope you will work to alleviate some that when you have the chance, Carlisle. I would hate for him to hurt over something that is not his fault. And what happened after my birthday – that was not his fault. A lot of hurtful decisions were made, but they were not made by Jasper."

I nodded again. My beautiful girl had clearly taken her human soul into this vampire life. We all stood to gain by spending time in her goodness.

Finally, I cleared my throat. "And your daughter? May I ask her about her name?"

She smiled at me then. "Well, deciding on Masen's name was easy. When it got to my baby girl, things got a little more tricky, and so I ended up getting creative. Her first name is Emmalie, spelled E-M-M-A-L-I-E. It's a combination of Emmett and Rosalie. I call her Emma. I didn't want them to be left out of the fun," she said with a shrug, as if it weren't a big deal. I knew Emmett and Rosalie would feel otherwise.

"And actually, it's proven to be perfect for her. She is silly and boisterous like Emmett, but she's also got the determination of Rosalie, which as you might imagine, means that I have to keep an eye on her every minute." Bella was smiling now. The ease with which she spoke of her children was a relief after the hard conversations from earlier.

"I can't wait to meet her," I offered lightly, with my own smile. "And her middle name?"

At this, Bella's face turned shy. She would be blushing again, were she human, I could tell.

"Well, like I said, I had originally wanted to name the baby Charlie if it was a boy, but that plan got thwarted when I saw Masen and saw so much of Edward in him. So I was thinking about how use Charlie's name for Emma's middle name, and um, I decided it might be nice, if… ah.. if I named her after both of her grandfathers. Her middle name is Carlie."

I had been watching in delighted as Bella squirmed and fidgeted her way through the answer, reflecting on how much of her humanity she brought with her to this new life, when I caught the last bit of her explanation. _Wait, what?_

"Excuse me?" I asked incredulously, my voice barely more than a whisper. I could barely get the words out, shocked as I was.

"It's a combination of Carlisle and Charlie," she said softly. "I hope you don't mind."

I was speechless. I was stunned.

I looked at this tiny girl before me, and wondered how she could move me so. Her every thought was fascinating, but her heart held the real surprises. I felt… I felt so full. My chest felt full of a love I had never really understood until this point. I realized that this moment was the first time I knew, I really knew, what it meant to be loved by a child. Loved enough to be honored so significantly, even in your most cowardly and dark hours. I stood there, just staring at her. I could never love her enough. But I would spend my eternity trying.

"Oh," was the most articulate that I could manage for some time. My thoughts swirled in new emotions, my chest heaved with the great fullness, my eyes burned with the tears they wanted so desperately to shed. I found myself noting how very different it felt to cry from happiness rather than grief. It burned just as hotly in my chest and made my gasps turn to sobs in much the same fashion, but it just felt so good!

Joy was a rarity in our vampire experience. Joy was an exquisite thing.

"Carlisle?" she inquired.

I realized it had been quite a few minutes since her revelation. I quickly moved to thank her.

"Bella, my lovely girl," I said meaningfully, as I reached forward on the sofa to grasp her hand. "I am very touched. Extremely moved. On my best days, I would have not expected such an honor, but certainly not on my worst. Your generosity of heart is truly overwhelming me." I paused, choking back a small sob and offering a shaky smile. "Thank you," I said fervently.

She gave me a small smile, and when I gave her once back, with an additional squeeze to her hand, she leaned forward and embraced me.

It was my turn to cling to her, as the beauty of her gesture over whelmed me again.

We did not deserve this gift of a girl. I did not. But I certainly did cherish having her in my life.

"Thank you, my dear sweet girl," I breathed softly against her. "I'm not sure anything, other than my marriage, has ever meant more to me than this."

She pulled back and said very seriously, "I know, and that's why I was pleased to do it. I'm not particularly happy with you right now, Carlisle, but make no mistake. I do love you, very much. And if Emma inherits even a tiny bit of your wisdom and compassion, she will be a lucky girl indeed. You're a good man, Carlisle. You just, I don't know… you just got a little lost, I think."

I nodded, even as I felt the tears press into my eyelids, and the sobs move into my chest.

"You are far too generous with your praise, my dear," I told her through choked sobs. "But I'll gladly accept it. I have missed you so very much, and been so upset thinking that you lived in fear of us, and then, when the truth was revealed, terrified that our betrayal would be more than you could manage. Your absence has weighed heavily upon me these past many months, and your kindness now does ease that burden somewhat. I know we have a long road ahead, but this, this gesture, it's the glimmer of hope that I have been needing!"

I was a blubbering mess. Bella pulled back and studied me, as I tried to pull myself together.

"I'm sorry, my dear," I apologized after a minute. "My emotions got the better of me. I don't always handle them appropriately. Please forgive my display." I was embarassed.

At my confession, she offered me a warm smile, and another a squeeze with her arms, before pulling away and scooting back to her spot on the sofa.

We looked at each other for a minute, each wearing soft smiles and taking a moment to enjoy the lightness between us.

It was during that moment that I realized that she had given the children names that represented her entire family. All except two. One of those two was extremely important to me.

I didn't know how to ask about Esme. It seemed inconceivable that she would deliberately leave her out, and yet impossible that Bella had merely forgotten her!

I took time to craft my wording. I didn't want to break Rule #2, knowing that at least for now, it was quickly becoming my nemesis.

"Bella?" I inquired gently.

"Hmmm?" was her soft response.

"It would seem you've made an careful effort to name the children after your families," I commented.

"Yes, I decided in the end that it was the best way to go. I mean, who else would be around forever?" she said with a smirk.

"Although you did find room for Charlie in there, too, which is wonderful," I commented again, hoping she would help me out.

"Yes. Poor Charlie," she commented with a sigh.

I hesitated a bit, decided on a new course of action, and then went for it. "It was a shame that you could not include Renee."

Bella raised an eyebrow at me in question. I was rather nervous about her response.

"True," she said thoughtfully. After a moment, she continued. "I considered squeezing her in, but in the end, I found myself deciding that she would probably not approve of many of my choices, and wouldn't understand them, anyhow. She's my mother, and I love her," Bella quickly added, "but she didn't fill the same space in life that everyone else did at the time of my change. Especially knowing, as I do, that my children would never meet her. Never know her." She shrugged.

I couldn't help but wonder - does she feel this way about Esme? _Certainly not_, I was sure. And yet, she had made no mention of her. I decided I would need to be more direct, because Esme would be here tomorrow, and I knew she would be hurt at the slight, even if she never expressed it.

It seemed so atypical of Bella to be so thoughtless.

I plucked up my courage and approached the matter directly. "And Esme? I can't help but notice she is not represented either," I said, trying to sound casual. Bella's eyebrow shot up again, and my fear of Rule #2 caused me to add, somewhat hastily, "which is fine, of course, I just wondered about your reasoning."

I was a coward.

Bella's face, which had been looking at me rather sharply, trying to figure out where I was headed with my comments, suddenly cleared. She gave me a wide smile, and in a teasing manner, asked, "Oh, Carlisle... you are worried that I forgot about Esme, aren't you?"

I offered her a sheepish smile and a shrug. "I suppose so. I'm sure you have your reasoning, my dear, but I couldn't help but be aware of the oversight."

She was grinning at me now. She clearly knew something I didn't.

"I did not give either child Esme's name because I was feeling rather selfish."

I looked at her, puzzled. Her grin grew. After a moment, she took pity on me. "The children were not the only ones in need of names, Carlisle," she said rather patronizingly. "I was concerned about Charlie finding me, so I changed mine as well. Technically speaking, I'm not Bella anymore. I'm Ella. Clever, aren't I?" she finished with a smirk.

Of course! I felt rather foolish for missing the obvious.

"Ahh," I said in understanding. "Does the 'E' from Ella represent Esme?" I asked, remembering her adaptations to Emma's name.

She chuckled. "No, actually. I chose Ella because it was close enough to Bella that I would most likely answer if someone called it, but wouldn't pop up under a search for Bella or Isabella. My full name is Ella Esme Allison."

It was my turn to offer the broad grin. Esme would be pleased at this, I knew.

"That's lovely, Bella. Or should I call you Ella?" I inquired.

She laughed lightly at me, responding "No, no... you can call me Bella. It's just a formality for paperwork."

I nodded, giving her a cheeky grin. "Well, I think it's lovely, Bella. Esme will be touched, I'm sure."

Her smile softened as she responded. "I hope so," she said. "I wanted it to be a reminder of the kind of mother I want to be for my children. I could think of no better example."

With her words, the air in the room shifted, and once again, I found myself incredibly touched by the beautiful soul seated before me.

"Oh Bella," I breathed, "do tell her that when you see her. It will mean so very much to her. She has been beside herself these many months at leaving you, and her grief only grew as each child left and went their own way. I think she feels rather like a shepherd without a flock right now - your praise on her mothering ability will heal a piece of her that is broken right now, I am sure."

Bella frowned at his. "Is this what you meant earlier, when you said Esme was upset with you?"

I nodded. "Yes, to a degree. From the beginning, she has been fighting to keep the family together. She was desperate at the thought of leaving Forks, and so frustrated with me and Edward because she felt that we railroaded the family into making that decision. After we left, it was not long before Edward broke away from us, his grief beyond measure. Shortly after that, Alice and Jasper departed. Emmett and Rosalie stayed for awhile, but they were uphappy, and eventually they left too. We almost went with them, but Esme couldn't bear to be away from 'home base', as she called it, hoping that eventually her children would return. Without you, without them, she has struggled. As such, we have struggled as a couple."

Bella gazed on me for a moment, before asking, "But why is that something that she blames you for? It sounds as if everyone, with the obvious exception of myself, made their own decisions to leave. How is that your fault?"

I sighed. "In part because I agreed with Edward about leaving Forks. To her, it was a rash decision, and not thoroughly discussed. In retrospect, of course, she was right, but with the facts we had on hand at the time, I did what I thought was right. Esme believes we should have approached you ourselves and tried to mend fences with or without Edward. Of course, again in retrospect, that makes sense."

I sighed again, running my hand through my hair as I thought of how to explain. "You see, Bella, in traditional covens, the head vampire dictates the course of action, and the coven members are compelled to comply. The same is true with sires, and in that case, the compulsion to follow is even stronger. It's just how we are made. It's not that we don't have free will, because of course, we do. It's just rare to exercise it unnecessarily. Structuring ourselves as a family has provided some confusion on that. I am not only the head of the coven, but also the sire to everyone but Alice and Jasper, and possibly you. It's instinctive for them to see me as the leader, and allow my decision to rule. As a family, we make an attempt at democracy, but in the end, the instinct to follow the direction of the head vampire or sire still rules out, much of the time. Ultimately, it was my decision to leave, knowing that everyone else would follow, and Esme blames me for that."

Bella was quiet as she took that information in.

After a moment, she looked up at me and asked, "There's more to it than that, isn't there?"

I sighed and nodded. Again, she was perceptive beyond expectation.

"Yes. Esme is frustrated because my decisions are ruled by instinct, whereas she believes that in order for our family to operate as such, we need to be ruled by our heart, rather than our instincts. I find that to be a challenge, and she is frustrated by that. She also believes that I don't value her opinion on the matter, and as such, I am responsible when things go badly, because not only didn't I use my heart, but I didn't ask her to help guide me either. She believes that this is why the family has crumbled around us."

"Is she right?" Bella asked bluntly.

I looked at her and gave her my honest assessment after everything I had learned over the past couple of years. "Yes."

I cleared my throat, and expanded upon my answer, seeing the question lingering in Bella's expression.

"As the sire and head vampire of a coven, I am driven to protect my members as strongly, if not more strongly, than they are driven to follow me. It's an impulse that overrides almost everything, even rational thought. Of course I should have gone to your house and spoken with you directly that day, Bella. Of course I should have. But my impulse was to flee, knowing that your father was the Chief of Police, and his best friend was the Chief of the Quileute. They posed a threat. That knowledge, that potential for exposure and physical harm overrode the logical thing to do. It even overrode my love for you. It's the same reason I let Edward, Jasper and Alice leave the family without delay - they were hurting, and my instinct is the allievate the suffering of members of my coven, even at the expense of my spouse. It's not logical when you think about things as humans do - with their hearts and their heads. However, as a 400 year old vampire, I have more experience relying on instinct than not. It's the one thing that my years of experience actually serves as a detriment towards understanding. It's not particularly conducive towards a family model."

"It's so odd to hear you say that, Carlisle," she replied thoughtfully. "I have always considered you the most compassionate person I know. This instinctive drive seems uncharacteristic of the man I have seen."

I nodded. "I can see why you would think that, my dear, and I do appreciate the sentiment. I do try to be kind to those around me, strive towards bringing good into the world, and I do cherish my family above all else. I have spent the last 100 years building and protecting the family, and I take great pride in the life we have created for ourselves. But if there is one thing I've learned over the past couple of years, it's that my instinctive response rears during times of crisis, and up until recently, the troubles we have found have been external pressures that encouraged us to work together as a unit. It wasn't until the crisis came from within the family that my instinctive response failed. And it failed rather spectacularly."

She studied me as I explained, and for many minutes afterwards, she said nothing. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head.

Eventually, she offered her simple, yet powerful analysis. "I hadn't considered it that way, Carlisle. I do see your point, but I must say, I feel much like Esme about it all."

I smiled. "I would expect nothing less, Bella. You are, and will no doubt always be, the most human of us all. And I mean that as the greatest of compliments."

She gave a concilatory nod, and then commented, "Well, this is something we will no doubt need to consider when we begin discussing bringing out collective families together. Because I will not be comfortable knowing that an internal threat is all it would take to bring us right back to where we currently stand. If we're going to work through everything with the goal of a reunion of sorts, I would need to be assured that an instinctive response isn't going to break my heart all over again. Or my children's."

Her words were not said in malice. She was simply stating facts.

I nodded. "Perhaps we should wait until Esme arrives. I believe she's anxious for a turn at running the show. Perhaps I should let her, for a time, and see if we can't find more common ground that way."

Bella nodded. "I think that might be a good idea."

Just then, we heard a stirring from the other room.

Our somber mood was lifted, as a bright smile rose to Bella's face. I felt my anticipation grow, as I knew what that sound was.

My grandchildren were waking.

"That's enough for now, Carlisle," she said, rising from her place on the sofa. "I think our quiet time has ended for awhile. Wait here, I'll go collect your grandchildren!"

I beamed up at her. She gave me a wide smile in return.

"Are you ready, Papa?" she said with a smirk.

"Papa?" I asked in reply.

"Yup," she said with a giggle, as she exited the room.

I heard some commotion, and then I heard her gentle whisper, "We have a visitor. Can you guess who?"

Tiny voices piped back myriad answers, ranging from "truck" to "unky". I didn't know what an "unky" was.

After moment, Bella returned, and in each arm, she held a small bundle of child. Both of their faces were hidden in her chest, but I could very clearly see the tufts of bronze atop their heads. The little girl, wearing pink overalls and a white long-sleeve teeshirt, had little curls that trickled down to her chin. The boy, wearing jeans and teeshirt with a bulldozer on the front, had straighter wisps that spiked up in the front, and a little in the back. I found my cheeks ached with the force of my grin.

"Can you say hello to Papa Carlisle?" Bella asked her two little munchins.

My eyes flew to her in shock. She was holding back a giggle. I was further shocked when the little girl pulled her face away from her mother's chest, and stared at me incredulously.

She looked like she'd seen a movie star.

She stared at me. I stared right back. It was just as I had seen from my perch in the tree - her face was all Bella's, including the big brown eyes that spoke volumes.

After a moment, she turned to look up at her mother, opened her little mouth, and demanded, "Down, Mama!"

With a giggle, Bella, bent down to ease her to the floor. Masen clung to her arm tighter. He was clearly not ready to meet Papa Carlisle.

The second her feet hit the floor, Emma toddled over to me. She was pretty quick, for being so little. She stopped right in front of me, smiled and in the same tiny little voice, declared, "UP! Up, Papa! Up!"

Surprised, I glanced at Bella to make sure it was alright to proceed, and she gave me a nod and a sweet smile.

Gently, I bent down, and being very careful of my strength, I picked up my granddaughter and placed her in my lap. She looked up at me, eyes wide and hopeful, and simply said, "No travwel?"

I glanced at Bella, looking for interpretation, and Bella walked our way and sat down next to us, Masen still tucked away in the crook of her arm.

"I explained to Emma and Masen about how it's in a vampire's nature to travel around - be nomadic. I explained how you all have been traveling, which is why you haven't been by to visit. She wants to know if you're done traveling for awhile."

Again, I was left speechless at Bella's thoughtfulness. She concocted a story that was not only based in vampire truth, but which also did nothing to paint us in a bad light. She had made it possible for us to come back for her, and the children, with them being none the wiser to our betrayal. I did not know how I would ever repay this kindness.

I turned to look at Emma, who was still fixed on me with her big brown eyes, waiting for her answer. I bent down a little, and could not help it as I raised a hand to run it softly down the side of her face. She was so lovely. "Yes, my little one, I am done traveling for awhile, and I have been so eager to come meet you, and your brother!"

"An Mama?" she asked with her little squeeky voice.

I chuckled at her, and then glanced up at Bella as I replied, "Oh, yes. I have been very eager to see your Mama again, too!"

Bella gave me a gentle smile. I could tell this moment meant a great deal to her. It meant a great deal to me as well.

Emma beamed at my answer, and threw her little arms around my neck. Her grip was surprisingly strong. I felt the warmth of her little body soothe away more of the hurt I had been carrying, and I found my arms curled around her with ease. "It is so nice to meet you, Emma. I love you very much," I murmured softly, as I stroked her hair. I was beyond moved at the openness of her greeting.

She pulled back and smiled shyly at me. "Me too, Papa! Wuv you too!"

My heart felt like it would fly out of my chest, and just when I didn't think I could get happier, she leaned forward, and pulled on Masen's arm. "wook, Masen, Papa's here!"

Cautiously, I saw one green eye peek out of its hiding spot in Bella's chest. It blinked, and then a little more peeked out. I could see a hint of a smile on his face, a miniature version of his father. I couldn't help but gasp, as a smirk I would know anywhere crept up the corner of his mouth.

Quietly, with little more than a whisper, he said, "Papa."

It was everything. It was more than I could imagine to have them both here, knowing me. Loving me.

Looking at them, I knew they would heal our family. I could already feel it happening.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know you all are waiting for Esme. It won't be too long now. Have patience. Healing takes time.<strong>


	19. Chapter 19 Separation Anxiety Bella

**Chapter 19 – Separation Anxiety (Bella)**

It was simply magical to watch Carlisle interact with the kids. He was fascinated by them, and while Emma was just flirting away, demanding his attention, it was Masen who I found most interesting. He was watching Carlisle intently. It's almost as if he were taking measure of him.

As I knew that neither child had much experience with new people, I thought I would ease them into getting to know their grandfather. I asked Emma to grab our family story book, and she happily hopped off of Carlisle's lap, ran over to the bookshelf, plucked it from its ready spot by the sofa, and returned. She handed me the photo book, and demanded that Carlisle pick her up again.

"Up, Papa! Up again!" He complied with a wide grin.

"Up you go, my princess," he said as he swung her onto his lap. He hadn't stopped grinning. She giggled at him, scooting her little behind into the crook of his elbow, and leaning back against his arm and chest.

I moved closer to him with Masen still curled in my lap, peeking out. I handed Carlisle the book, and said softly, "This is a family album I made while I was staying at your house. I thought it would be good for the children to know their family, you know, just in case… " I trailed off, as he took the album with wide eyes.

"Oh, Bella," Carlisle replied softly, as his hand not curled around Emma traced the lettering on the front. "It's a lovely idea."

I nodded. "I've told them all of the kid-friendly stories I could think of, which actually weren't all that many. So we began making up adventures for the family members, and now it's like an interactive story book. We send you all on adventures. It's fun, isn't it?" I said, looking at Emma, but giving Masen a little squeeze. She nodded vigorously, and Masen gave a little giggle.

"Could we all work on a story together?" Carlisle asked, tucking his head a little to look at Emma, and then giving Masen a little glance and smile.

"Ooh, yes! Send Unky Em to wail!" Emma replied enthusiastically, while Masen pulled his head out of my chest, leaned back, and gave a small smile. He was interested in the story.

Carlisle looked amused at Emma's response, but I wasn't sure if he fully understood. "Emma would like to have an adventure where Grampa Charlie ends up hauling Uncle Emmett off to jail," I translated with a smile.

Carlisle gave a big belly laugh. It surprised me, as I had never heard Carlisle laugh like that before. Looking down at Emma, his eyes dancing with mischief, he asked, "Does Uncle Emmett get in lots of trouble in your stories?"

Emma nodded seriously, and even Masen gave a small nod and a little smile.

"Can you tell me about some of the trouble Uncle Emmett gets into?" Carlisle said with a little chuckle.

"He letted da bear loose, and anuffer time he make a big spwash," Emma informed him with a big smile.

"He let a bear on the loose, and also made a big splash?" Carlisle asked, glancing at me for confirmation.

I giggled, and nodded. "Uncle Emmett gets in a lot of trouble in our stories, Papa," I said with a smile. As I was talking, Masen looked up at me and said, "Ball an boo-boo" very softly. I gave him a wide smile, proud that he was already participating. I thought it would be some time before we got Masen talking with Papa Carlisle.

"That's right, Masen. One time, Uncle Emmett stole Uncle Jasper's football, and squeezed it so hard that the ball popped. Remind me who had to stitch up the ball's boo-boo?"

"Papa!" Masen and Emma cheered at the same time. Carlisle was beaming, as he gave another hearty laugh.

"And that's why footballs have laces in them, right?" I asked with a little tickle to Masen's tummy.

"Right!" Emma exclaimed, as Masen giggled at my tickling.

"So, those are some of our stories, Papa," I said with a smile. "Do you want to make up a pretend story for us?" I said sweetly. I loved putting him on the spot.

He gave me a wide smile, and said, "Yes, Bella, I would love to tell a story. Shall we pick a random page, and see who the story will be about?"

Both the children and myself nodded. Carlisle used his free hand to stick his fingers in the book, about half-way, and then pulled the top portion up, so we could see the featured person. He had landed on Alice's page.

It tugged at my heart, seeing her perky smile and boundless energy. I missed her. I missed her so much. I found myself wondering if she could see the four of us telling stories about her. How could she possibly stay away from something as wonderful as this? How could she ignore any of it – the good, the terrible, and even the amazing times? I didn't understand. I didn't think I ever would.

"Who is our story going to be about?" Carlisle said, engaging the kids.

"Awtie Awice," they answered in unison, Emma giving a small cheer as she did.

"That's right, Auntie Alice. Now, as you know, Auntie Alice loves to shop, right?" He said, making sure to make eye contact with each of them, keeping them engaged. They both nodded seriously back at him, but they both had small grins on their little faces, and their eyes danced in delight as he entertained them.

"Well, one day, Auntie Alice wanted to go to the mall to go shopping, but Uncle Jasper was busy. She didn't think it would be fun to go all by herself, so she invited Uncle Emmett to join her," Carlisle said, pausing to acknowledge the cheer that Emma gave when he included Uncle Emmett in the story.

"They got into Auntie Alice's super-fast sports car, and drove off to the mall. The whole way there, Alice was talking about all the dresses and shoes and fun ensembles she wanted to buy, and the more she talked, the more Emmett felt sad. Do you know why he felt sad?" Carlisle asked his audience, both of whom looked so worried about Emmett being sad. They shook their heads, clinging to Carlisle's every word.

"Uncle Emmett was feeling sad because he never had fun going shopping. His clothes were all the same. Just pants and shirts, and maybe a tie every once in awhile. But Emmett doesn't really like ties, so that wasn't even very much fun. He told Alice that it wasn't fair that girls clothes were much more fun than boys clothes. Alice laughed at him, and told him that he was being silly. But Emmett was still thinking about it when they got to the mall."

I wondered where Carlisle was going with this…

"They got to the mall and went to a big department store where they carry both men's and women's clothing. They also carried jewelry, shoes, and purses. Emmett tried on a few shirts, but nothing was very exciting for him. He owned a lot of clothing, so finding something new was hard. He wandered over to where Alice was, and saw her trying on all sorts of pretty things. She was twirling around in front of the mirror in a bright red dress. It was pretty, he thought, and he wanted to shop, too."

"With that in mind, he walked over to where the jewelry, scarves, shoes and purses were. In the case by the register, he saw a big shiny crown called a tiara. He thought it would look really pretty with the dress Alice was trying on. Nearby, he also saw a fluffy white boa, which he thought would be fun to play with, and dress up the outfit even more. But his favorite thing was a pair of really shiny red high heel shoes. They would make Alice's dress so fancy looking! He wanted to make his sister happy, so he decided to show her all three."

Carlisle's voice had a laugh bubbling up in it, and he paused to check his audience. Both kids were totally engrossed in his story. Even I was pretty interested to see what happened next!

"A regular person would simply ask the salesperson to hand them the items, so he could take them over and show them to Alice. But as you know, Emmett is silly. He likes to do silly things, and make a bit scene while he's doing them, doesn't he?" Carlisle asked. He got head nods and giggles from all three of us.

"So instead, he asked the shoe salesman about the largest size shoe they have for the red heels, and sure enough, Emmett could just barely squeeze his foot into the high heels. He grabed the white feather boa from the rack, and asked the jewelry salesperson if he could borrow the tiara for just a minute to show his sister. The salesman wasn't sure at first, but since it's a very expensive tiara, he hoped maybe Emmett would buy it, so he decided to let him. As he pulled the tiara from the case, Emmett bent down, and when he stood up again, he was MUCH taller! The salesman was surprised, but then started laughing when he realized that Emmett was wearing the really tall red high heels. Emmett then wraped the boa around his neck, donned the tiara, and started walking through the store to find Alice and show her all the things she needs to make her dress pretty!"

"Oh Carlisle!" I interrupted, laughing and a little mortified. "I can't believe you are telling my children a story about Emmett in drag!"

"He wasn't in drag, Bella," Carlisle said with a laugh, "It was just a costume! And besides, this is Emmett. He just wanted to make everyone laugh, including Alice," he explained with a big grin.

I nodded, noticing that my little angels were laughing at the image of big Uncle Emmett strolling through the story in high heels, a big boa, and a tiara.

"I'm sorry," I said with a laugh, "please continue."

"So Emmett was strolling through the very fancy store , waving the boa at people and greeting everyone he sees with a 'cheerio!' or a 'hello, darling!', and he was having such a great time, that everyone couldn't help but laugh along with him! He turned the corner to the area where Alice was trying on her dresses, and called out to her – 'Alice, I have some things for you to check out!'"

Carlisle giggled. He actually giggled. This made me and the kids giggle, too. Visions of Emmett were dancing through our heads.

"Alice was in a dressing room, and came out with a big purple ball gown on. She took one look at Emmett, and started laughing so hard that she almost had to sit down. He looked ridiculous, after all! After a moment, she stood up, still chuckling, and with a grand flourish, she said, 'Would you care to dance, kind sir?' Emmett was so excited that she was playing along that he swooped little Alice up in his arms, and twirled her around. Her big purple ball gown flowed behind her, and his white fluffy boa twirled with them as well."

Carlisle stopped then, taking in his captive audience. I could tell he was pretty proud of himself.

"But then, suddenly, Emmett felt a jerking on his neck. He tried to put Alice down when he looked over and realized that both his boa and the base of her purple dress were caught in the escalator which was rising up to the second floor. They were both being pulled up the escalator! He didn't know what to do! He didn't want to get hurt, and he didn't want Alice to get hurt, but he also didn't want to ruin the boa and the dress!"

At this point, the kids eyes were bugging out of their heads. They were so consumed with the story!

"Emmett and Alice looked at each other, and as they continued to get tugged towards the escalator, Alice finally yelled, 'rip my dress!' Emmett felt bad, but he didn't want Alice to get hurt, so he did it! He ripped her dress! Once she was free from the pull of the escalator, Alice tumbled to the floor. Emmett was still being dragged, and he was almost at the base of the escalator. Just as it looked like he was going to get sucked under the metal steps, Alice popped up and hit the red 'STOP' button on the escalator, and it came to a grinding halt. Emmett went flying, and the boa, which was still stuck in the escalator, pulled him to the floor. So then he was lying on the floor, face down, and he couldn't get up because he's tied down by the boa. Alice was trying to help him, but he looked so funny lying like that, in red high heels with the crown still on his head, and the white boa wrapped all around him, that she started to laugh. She was laughing so hard she couldn't help him get free!"

Carlisle laughed then, and we all laughed with him.

"What happened, Papa?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Well, Alice tried to free him, and the salesman tried to free him, but he was stuck! So finally, the salesman called Grampa Charlie, who had to come rescue him by using big pruning shears to cut the boa out of the escalator."

"Grampa mad?" Emma asked, worriedly.

"Well," Carlisle replied, dragging it out a little for effect, "no one was hurt, and Emmett and Alice paid for the dress and the boa, so the salesman wasn't mad, but Grampa Charlie thought that Emmett needed some time to think about being too silly in the store. So you know what he did?"

"What?" Emma and Masen asked at the same time, leaning forward to hear the answer.

"Grampa Charlie put Emmett in the back seat of his police car, turned on all the lights and sirens, and made him go down to the jail for a little while to think about how he was being bad!"

"Was Emmett worweed?" Masen asked quietly, as Emma giggled delightedly.

Carlisle gave him a little smile as he answered. "Maybe a little bit, but he knew that Alice would help him out, and she did. Alice called Nana Esme, and the two of them drove to the jail and rescued Emmett. He learned an important lesson about being too silly, but everyone was all ok in the end!"

"Yay!" Emma cheered. Masen gave a big smile, and a little giggle as well.

I laughed. "Not bad for your first make believe story, Papa!" I congratulated him.

"Who said it was make believe, Bella?" he said with a smile. "Other than Charlie being there, the rest of the story was true!"

We both laughed at that.

* * *

><p>After we told a few more stories, we moved outside to play. Carlisle was a good sport about chasing the kids around the yard, and while I joined them sometimes, I also spent some time on the sidelines, watching my children play with their grandfather.<p>

He was like a different person around them. Light and carefree, simple and innocent. The guilt and grief that I knew he carried seemed to lift in their presence, allowing his gentle kindness to pour out. It was clear he loved them already, but it was also clear that they were both enamored of him as well.

I was especially satisfied to see Masen engage him. As the afternoon wore on, Masen became increasingly bold and confident around his grandfather. Normally so reserved and quiet, I was proud to see him cheer and giggle his way through the afternoon. I couldn't help but wonder if it was something about having a male to relate to that brought it out in him. I wondered if he would ever be able to engage with Edward like that. It seemed unlikely at this point. Still, it was increasingly clear the impact a father-figure could have on Masen.

When dinner time rolled around, Carlisle was nothing but questions as I prepared the children's dinner.

He was impressed at the ingenuity surrounding my invention of the soy milk/blood milkshake – which we called a "smoothie". I didn't want them to be referencing their blood milkshakes in public, so I decided early on that it would simply be called their smoothie, which was more innocuous. No one would think twice about it.

He asked about food they liked and disliked, and the kids very helpfully provided commentary. For example, when we talked about carrots, they would offer little sounds like "Yummmmmy" or "More carrots, Mama," but any mention of cheese was met with a frown, or in Emma's case, a very forceful, "no cheese peas" over and over until I had to ask her to stop.

I supervised Carlisle giving them a bath, not warning him about Masen's interest in splashing, or the fact that Emma would need to have her scalp massaged in order for the bath to be a complete success. It was a very wet and mentally exhausted Papa who brought out my two children in towel burritos a little while later.

Still, his face beamed with satisfaction at the completion of his first real grand-parenting activity.

I tucked Emma and Masen into their little twin beds before lying prone on Emma's and feeling her lean against me. Carlisle stretched out alongside Masen, and my heart swelled as I saw Masen settle against his grandfather comfortably. The three of us a listened as Carlisle read "Where the Wild Things Are", and his voice was so mesmerizing that I think all three of us went on the same journey. I couldn't help but feel a bit like a child myself, listening to him recite the tale.

After a few minutes of quiet humming on my part, Carlisle and I stole out of the room, leaving two very happy, very tired angels to their nighttime dreams.

* * *

><p>We moved back to the sofa, and each curled up in the corners. Well, I curled up. Carlisle lounged, with his long elegant legs crossed casually towards the side.<p>

We went back to the business of hashing through our feelings. It was easier, as a day of playing with the children had provided us common ground, and reminded us of what was at stake. I tried to keep my patience high and my frustration levels low, and for the most part, I succeeded. Carlisle was careful with his questioning, and I could definitely sense that he was trying to absorb information that it would take a lifetime to fully explain.

How do you describe the feeling of utter abandonment and desolation?

How do you verbalize the agony of your true love's heartbreaking decision?

How do you share the terror of willingly undergoing major surgery without anesthesia?

How do you emphasize the daily struggle between anger and longing that I still felt every moment of every day?

And how can you possibly believe promises made by someone who has let you down so egregiously in the past?

And from his part, I knew he struggled with the desire to provide comfort and peace for me, knowing that he did not deserve any himself, but understanding that they went hand in hand.

We were a mess, the two of us.

But we were united in the hope that we could find our way forward.

We talked all night. Sometimes it was so serious and upsetting that we would need to take breaks to run off our anger or grief, lest we say or do something we might regret. Other times, we shared silly stories of our families, as he was still learning about mine, and his earlier story about Emmett and Alice emphasized for me that I still had much to learn about the Cullen clan.

There was a fair amount of laughing and fondness intermixed with all the tension and heartache that night. I knew I would never really understand everything that had happened, and there was a part of me that held Carlisle responsible for that, and always would.

But I also recognized the genuine remorse and effort he was exhibiting, and I took comfort in the sincerity I saw in his every action and word.

He was trying. Trying to mend fences, trying to right the wrong, and most of all, trying to respect the boundaries which I had established. I really appreciated how much he was trying to make things better.

We also talked about how things ended with the family.

In despair, Carlisle confessed that he wasn't entirely sure they were still a family unit, as such.

Edward was completely off the grid, and Alice and Jasper checked in only rarely. Emmett and Rosalie called regularly, but they seemed emotionally removed from everything that had happened. Carlisle said that it didn't feel the same pull as head of the family that he did a year ago, and he was worried that bonds that had been so wounded might have broken. He would still always be their sire, but without contact and proximity, it didn't mean the same as it would under normal circumstances.

He expressed his grief over Edward's betrayal, and for both of us, it was hardest of conversations. As much as I felt hurt and betrayed by Edward, I knew that Carlisle felt it tenfold. It was different, of course, as I was Edward's mate, but Carlisle had been his mentor and friend, and had known him so much longer.

Edward was a tender subject for us both. We didn't understand his actions, and when acknowledged, our grief threatened to consume us both. As such, we pushed past thoughts of Edward rather quickly, as it hurt us both to dwell on him.

We also talked about Esme, and his concern over her hurt feelings. He was not certain where he stood with her, and it was painful to watch him worry. He was going to pick her up at the airport in the morning, and bring her to me. We both thought it would be fun to surprise her with the children, and I know that Carlisle was secretly hoping they would prevent me from flying off the handle at her.

I didn't tell him that while I wished she would have fought harder for me, I didn't hold her to the same level of responsibility as some of the others. I understood her compulsion to heed Carlisle's directives. It wasn't so long ago that I would have followed Edward to the ends of the earth myself.

* * *

><p>Carlisle made plans to leave early the next morning. He was going to borrow my car, head out to Vancouver and pick up Esme, and then he hoped to find a remote location for them to talk through some of their issues before he brought her to me.<p>

I had been fully on board with this plan, but as the time approached for him to leave, I found myself growing anxious.

I knew the plan. I knew his promise. I knew of his commitment to my children – to my family.

And yet, as the seconds ticked down, I found myself increasingly panicked that he would leave and never return.

It burned in my chest. I watched him step into the bathroom to change back into his tuxedo shirt, and I grew anxious that he didn't want to leave it here because he wasn't coming back.

My brain knew I was being silly.

My heart was terrified.

When he explained about going to get Nana Esme to the kids, and kissed each of their foreheads, my brain knew this was the way family members said goodbye, even for a short time.

My heart saw a permanent goodbye.

He approached me next, and placed both hands on my shoulders, hunching slightly so that he could maintain eye contact with me.

"I hope I won't be long, Bella," he said. "It will, in part, depend on how willing Esme is to forgive me, as I wish to clear the air with her first, before bringing her back. I don't want to taint her meeting the children, and her reunion with you, because she's upset with me. So it may be some time later this afternoon before we see you again."

His eyes spoke nothing but sincerity.

My brain believed him.

My heart was screaming not to let him go, certain he wouldn't come back.

Without even realizing I was doing it, I lunged at him, and wrapped my arms around him tightly. I could feel the surprise in his body, before he relaxed and gently wrapped his arms around my back.

"Bella, my dear, I promise it won't be long. We'll be back before dark, one way or another, alright?" he asked softly. I wondered if he could sense my panic.

I nodded. I was afraid to speak. I didn't trust myself not to either give off the great sobs bubbling up in my chest, or scream rude things about him abandoning me again. I didn't want to do either.

I fought to control my emotions, striving to be the strong woman that I wanted him to see me as.

Finally, he gently pulled away, and my arms wrapped around my chest as I tried to comfort myself.

He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, much like he had done with the children, and said again, "I will be back soon, I promise."

I nodded, still warring with myself over whether I believed him.

He gave me a firm nod, and then moved towards the car. With a concerned look on his face, he slowly climbed in, and pulled down the driveway.

I watched the car until he turned onto the main road, and then, unable to control myself, I dropped to my knees in the driveway, letting out the great sobs that had been pushing their way up for the past several hours.

It hurt all over again, watching him drive away. My brain knew I was being ridiculous, but my heart felt the separation all over again. I felt like the little human girl, alone in the woods, far from the family who promised to love her forever.

I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I didn't want my children to see me like this – it would terrify them. But the longer he was gone, the more I felt my fear build. I closed my eyes and tried to remember – tried to focus on the proof that he would be back.

His desperation for me to accept his apologies. His delight at meeting the children. His genuine concern over my hurt feelings, and his pride at all I had accomplished on my own.

My brain took these images, and told me that he would be back.

My heart saw nothing but the taillights of the car as it drove away.

My sobs returned in full force. I needed to break out of this, but I couldn't. I didn't know how. I let out a great wail, as I desperately wished for the power of tears to help relieve the pressure that had built up in my chest. My heart felt like it was on fire.

It might have been only a moment that I remained kneeling and inconsolable, or several. Just when I thought my grief would consume me, I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, and my eyes flew to the face before me.

Carlisle.

He had come back. He had come back for me.

I scrambled into his arms, clinging to him as I sobbed my apologies. I knew I was acting like a child, but I didn't know how to stop the terror. I needed him here. I needed to know he wouldn't leave me again.

He held me, also on his knees, and slowly swayed back and forth, soothing me. He offered whispered words of comfort, as his hands moved to rub away the hurt – up and down my back, down my hair, and sometimes just resting still on my head or shoulder blades.

It took way longer than it should have for me to calm down.

After awhile my sobs quieted, and my panic settled. I was safe here in Carlisle's arms, I knew.

He pulled back a bit, and the look on his face was heartbreaking. His concern was evident, but so was his despair.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry," he said softly. "I didn't see this coming, but of course, I should have."

I shook my head at him. "I didn't know it would happen until just a few minutes ago myself, Carlisle," I offered back. "There's no way you could have predicted it. I'm so sorry – I know it's a ridiculous reaction, but I just couldn't get a handle on it."

I paused then, realizing that he had actually turned around to come back.

"How did you know to come back?" I couldn't help but ask, even as I let out a small lingering sob.

He ran his hand down my hair at the side of my face, no doubt trying to soothe away the misery he saw there. "I was a few miles away, and I heard you cry, my dear. I simple could not leave, knowing you were hurting like that."

He frowned. "I feel foolish for not thinking of it earlier."

"What do you mean, Carlisle? How could you have known?"

He sighed, and took a hand from my shoulder to run it through his hair. "Sweetheart, it's not unusual for strong emotions or reactions present at the time of our transformation to carry over into our vampire lives," he said softly. "You were obviously still hurt and grieving your lost family at the time of your change. It only makes sense that a fear of abandonment would follow you over into this new life," he said with a sigh. "Yet another result of our cruel actions that day, I fear."

I looked at him, wide-eyed and shocked. "Wait – you mean I'm going to react like this every time anyone leaves, even for something simple, like what happened today?" I was horrified.

He grimaced, and attempted to soothe me again by pulling me back into his chest.

"I hope not, my dear. I sincerely do. I suspect that for awhile, you will struggle with it much like you have done today. In time, however, I think we can work to lessen your concerns. Manage your panic. Especially after we prove that we are around for good. I think we can ease your concerns, although I suspect they will always be there."

He paused, and then added in a whisper, "I'm so sorry."

I nodded, and tried to process this new information.

"Carlisle, I have to figure out a way to manage this," I said quietly. "What if the children had been out here with me? I don't want them to see me like that!"

He nodded. After a moment, he offered, "When Esme comes, we'll work on retraining your reactions. It will be easier if there is someone else remaining, and we can talk through some things to help you think it through… I'm sure we can make it better with practice."

"Okay," I offered sadly.

We stayed there, kneeling in a comforting embrace, for another minute before he whispered, "Bella, I do need to go, and you should probably check on the children."

I nodded. He was right.

I didn't let go of him.

Another minute passed. He offered a small chuckle, and tried again. "Really, sweetheart, I do need to go. I don't think my attempts at making up with Esme are going to go well if I show up late."

I nodded. He was definitely right about that.

I didn't let go of him.

Another minute passed. Gently, he said, "Is there anything I can do, anything you can think of that would ease your mind while I'm gone?"

I thought about it. I considered asking him to change out of his tuxedo shirt, remembering my concern earlier that he didn't want to leave it behind, but realized that was stupid. That would not be motivation enough.

I shook my head, and sighed. I knew he had to go. I knew I had to find my big girl panties and put them on, so to speak.

I pulled away from his embrace, determined to do it on my terms. I stood and took a few steps back from him, as he rose to his feet and dusted himself off.

"I'll be fine," I whispered unsurely. I was fooling no one.

He ran his hand through his hair, and down over his face again. His expression was heavy with thought.

Finally, he pulled his hands back, and stared down at his left one for a minute.

He looked up at me, and stared at me for a long moment, before looking back at his hand.

I couldn't figure out what was going on with him.

Finally, he spoke.

"Bella, do you know what the most important thing to me in the whole universe is? What I value above everything else?"

I shook my head. I wasn't sure where he was going with this.

"My marriage," he said softly. "I never thought I would get married, especially after my change. I never thought that I could have that kind of happiness. And then one day, I was presented with the greatest opportunity a man could imagine – a woman, whom I had known feelings for when she was a human, who could now be my equal as a vampire. I had to work to gain her trust. I had to work to overcome her fears of men that came with her from her human experience. But it was worth it. She is my everything. Even when I do a terrible job of telling her, there is nothing in this world I can't live without except for Esme."

I nodded. I knew this. She really was his everything.

"My marriage has been on the rocks for some time now, Bella. I really must tend to it," he said. I understood now – he was preparing me for his departure once again.

"I cannot stay here right now with you. I must see to my bride. She has been waiting for nearly two years to have her say, and I have promised to give it to her today. I cannot break that promise."

I nodded. My brain understood. My heart was beginning to ache. I took deep breaths to try and reign in the building panic.

"That being said, I know you are hurting, and I know that it is my fault. I love you very much, and I want to offer you comfort and reassurance that I will be back for you and your beautiful children," he went on.

I nodded. I wanted to believe him.

I didn't, but I wanted to.

"I can tell by the look on your face that you can't quite believe me when I say that I will return for you, to you, before the day is out. You don't really believe me, do you?" he asked with a sad frown on his face.

I paused, and then shook my head. I wanted to believe him. But I didn't.

He took a breath, and then took a step towards me. "You acknowledge that the most important thing in my universe is my marriage to Esme?" he asked. I nodded.

He held up his left hand for me to see. "This ring," he continued, pointing with his right index finger towards the wedding ring on his left hand, "has never left my hand. Not for any reason. Not in almost 90 years."

I watched him. He was moving slowly, deliberately.

With his right hand, he pulled his wedding ring free from his left ring finger. He took another step towards me.

Slowly, gently, he reached for my right hand. Carefully, maintaining eye contact with me the whole time, he slid his wedding band over my thumb, which was the only finger that was thick enough to hold it.

"I must go to Esme now, Bella," he said slowly, firmly. "But I will be back. And now you know I will, because you know that I would never leave my wedding ring, my commitment to Esme, anywhere that I didn't intend to return. I am trusting you with the very symbol of my marriage. I will come back for it. Just as I will come back for you. Do you believe me?" he asked.

I looked at the ring on my thumb, and I looked at the man standing before me.

I was nervous about it, but I did feel a little bit better about it. I felt the pressure in my chest lessen somewhat.

I nodded, albeit hesitantly.

Carlisle nodded back. "You'll take care of it for me?"

I nodded.

"Okay then," he said softly, moving back towards the car. Just before he got in, he said calmly but clearly, "Bella, just so you know, that ring is important to me. But you and Emma and Masen are more important. When I come back, I will be coming back for you and them, not just for the ring. Are we clear?"

I looked at him for a long moment. I tried to process what he was saying, but my heart wasn't sure. I did believe he would come back for the ring, but I was less sure about the rest of it. I looked up at him and shrugged, letting out a little sob that had bubbled up.

"Well, I want you to think about it then," he said. "No material possession can ever compare to the love of a daughter. Or a granddaughter. Or a grandson. Just think about it. We can talk about it more when Esme and I return, and you give me my ring back, alright?"

I nodded. Another sob bubbled up. I found that I was subconsciously rubbing his ring with my index finger to avoid a full meltdown.

"I love you, Bella," he said. "I'll see you this evening."

I nodded, and choked out a weak and garbled, "I love you too, Carlisle."

He gave me a small smile, and then got in the car and sped away.

I stood there again, watching the taillights fade into the distance, before he once again turned onto the main road. I few sobs bubbled out, and I found myself rubbing the ring to remind myself.

_He's coming back. He's coming back. He will not leave me this time._

I chanted it for a few minutes, and then decided I should wander back in and check on the kids. They had been watching Spongebob during our exchange, but I knew better than to leave them alone for too long.

_He'll be back_, I told myself.

_This isn't like last time!_

With a final sob, I turned and went inside. I was just going to have to have a little faith.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! <strong>

**So here's a discussion point - if you were Esme, would you be pissed that Carlisle lent her the ring, or understanding of the special circumstances... Cause I think it could go either way. :)**


	20. Chapter 20 Separation Anxiety Carlisle

**Chapter 20 – Separation Anxiety (Carlisle)**

Driving away from my youngest daughter's new life was difficult the first time I attempted it.

It was heartbreaking the second time.

Seeing her crumbled on the front stoop, sobs wracking her tiny frame, I saw no trace of the fierce vampire leader I had been dealing with. She was just a girl, a girl who was hurting. And as I peeled out of the driveway and towards the airport, I found myself wondering if the damage we had inflicted on her tender soul was irreparable. Her moods swung violently from cold and fiercely independent to clingy and desperate. Finding the soft, gentle mother within her was a challenge at times.

I strived to make it my mission to work with her to find a balance, if she would allow it.

Heading towards my bride offered the sweet anticipation of reunion, coupled with a very tangible apprehension of our overdue conversation. I was desperate to see her, to hold her, and to share with her everything that had happened in the six days I had been away. However, I was admittedly a bit worried that we would have a hard road to travel before we could relax in each other's company.

I was even more aware of my faults and mistakes after spending time with Bella and the children. So much grief could have been avoided if I had made different choices. I was also acutely aware that my wife and Bella had a similar philosophy on life and family, and that in this instance, my reasoning and instinctive nature were burdens rather than gifts. I would be owning up to a good deal over the next few hours, I suspected.

Still, my body and soul ached for my wife. It was rare for mated couples to spend significant amounts of time apart, and while six days might be negligible under normal circumstances, six days without your mate was a trial. I found myself antsy to get to her.

* * *

><p>My senses were keenly aware of Esme's scent, and I found myself grinning in anticipation as I picked up her presence even before my eyes found her. As she glided down the escalator towards baggage claim, my soul drank her in. She looked stunning – polished and lovely, with a gentle light emanating from her essence. She sang to me, like a siren, and I saw nothing else as my wife approached.<p>

Her expression seemed to flicker between relief and frustration. No doubt, the relief was the manifestation of the very physical as well as emotional ease that came with being reunited. Even as we fought, there was comfort in being near to one another.

I had no doubt where the frustration stemmed from. I suspected it would morph into anger rather quickly as she learned about my dealings over the past several days.

At this moment, I would welcome it all.

I took a step towards her as she neared, and I knew I was not showing the appropriate level of remorse as I released a great grin, a huge sigh, and pulled her fiercely into my arms. I just needed to hold her close to me for a minute.

She let me. Even after everything I had done, she let me.

She needed it, too.

We stood there, wrapped around each other for quite some time. Just letting our bodies and souls reacquaint with one another. We were very still, barely breathing – just bringing the two halves of our whole self back together. It was a balm to my wounded heart that was desperately needed.

How could I forget, even for a moment, how very much this woman meant to me?

After a few moments, I pulled back, and took in her lovely face, which was swimming with questions, irritation, and unease. Underneath it, I swore I saw a tiny glimmer of hope. I could only pray that it would not be dimmed in the coming hours.

My hand rose to smooth down her hair, and found rest as it cupped the side of her face. I just wanted to keep touching her. My thumb traced a gentle pattern over her cheek, and unable to resist, I leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. Gently, tenderly.

I pulled back slowly to see her reaction. She looked surprised, and possibly a little hurt at the platonic nature of my gesture. I thought I best explain.

"I could not resist kissing you, my love, but I did not know how it would be received, so I took a safer route," I explained. "Please don't misunderstand – I am desperate to kiss you properly, but I'm not sure I've earned that privilege."

My tone was pleading. _Please kiss me, Esme!_

Her eyes danced as she took in my words. She moved her opposite hand up to cup my cheek, and whispered, "I'm quite certain you have not earned that privilege, as you well know. However, at this exact moment, I can't find it in myself to care."

For a flash my shame engulfed me, but when I realized she was receptive to my ministrations, it moved quickly into desire. Without hesitation, I brought my lips to hers.

A gentle nip – just to test the waters. They were so sweet.

A lingering taste – I wanted her to feel every ounce of my respect and devotion in that kiss.

And then, finally, when I thought my heart would explode, I traced my tongue over her bottom lip, and feeling her respond, I kissed her deeply, passionately. I cupped the back of her head and held her to me, as I kissed her with all the love and lust and joy and grief, and sorrow I held within me. I shared it all with her in that kiss.

She responded in kind, and for another long moment, there was nothing in this world other than my wife's embrace, and her mouth on mine. I felt her forgiveness in her touch, and I knew every moment was easing her worries as well. We healed each other in our passion.

I could have stayed like that forever, I was certain – however, a catcall from a passerby reminded me where we were, and I somewhat sheepishly pulled back. I couldn't quite wipe the smug smile off of my face. I felt rather like I was flying with the exhilaration of that moment.

Esme tucked her head, showing her embarrassment as well. She gave a soft chuckle, and whispered, "Goodness! You should go away more often," while she tried to pull herself together.

I knew she was teasing me, but her words struck a cord.

I gently moved her from me, and leaned down so she could see my eyes. I replied seriously, "Never again. I will never be able to be apart from you that long again. I am only just now realizing how very much I needed to have you here. I won't go away again unless you send me."

I paused, thinking of all that needed to be shared, and then added morosely, "Which you very well may before this day is over, but I certainly hope not."

She studied my face for a long while before responding.

"You have much to explain," she said firmly.

"Yes," I replied. I knew it to be true.

"And I'm going to insist on a few changes, I think, Carlisle. We cannot continue the way we've been," she informed me seriously.

"I suspected as much, and if I've learned anything in the last six days, it's that when it comes to matters of the heart, decisions should really be left in your hands. I have not made wise choices."

At this, she nodded. There was a moment between us, as we each reflected on the difficult times over the past couple of years. Finally, Esme's eyes focused, and she said somewhat determinedly, "So you've brought me all the way to Vancouver. Care to share the reason why?"

I nodded. "All in good time. I thought we best get out of here, go somewhere a little more private, and I then I will tell you everything. I have lots of news to share, and I fear you will be most frustrated with me. It would be better not to be in public, I think."

Her eyes widened at my assessment, and her face grew hard. With a glare, she inquired, "What have you done, Carlisle?"

I sighed, and grabbed her hand, pulling us both towards the baggage carousel. "In some cases, not nearly enough. In others, I've acted rashly and without thought. I will share it all with you, my love, and pray for your guidance and forgiveness. Let's get your things, and we'll go from there."

She shot me a worried look, and then was silent as we waited for the bags. She did, however, let me continue to hold her hand.

Thank goodness for that.

* * *

><p>After we retrieved her bags, we made our way back to Bella's car. I put her luggage in the trunk, and opened the passenger door for her. As the door opened, she shot me a look of concern which I didn't understand, but she did get into the car. I joined her, and we proceeded to wind our way back to Bella's house.<p>

We were nearing a clearing I had noticed on the way in, when Esme gave a small huff, the first sound she'd made since baggage claim. My eyes darted in her direction to see what was on her mind.

She said nothing, but her lips were pursed, and her eyes were hard and angry.

I didn't know what was going on with her.

We pulled into the clearing, and as soon as the car was stopped, she flew out of it, and into the woods. With little thought, I followed immediately.

She slowed after a few paces, and turned on me, eyes blazing. With a hard tone and an air of cool indifference, she asked, "So, who is she, Carlisle?"

I stopped, trying to figure out what she meant. I ran through our interactions so far, and couldn't come up with whatever she might be talking about. "I'm sorry, my love, I'm afraid I don't follow?"

She gave a bitter chuckle as she replied. "Whose car are we in? It's obviously not a rental, and I can smell a vampire, _a female vampire_, all over the car. And all over you, I might add. Normally, I would brush off such things, but you did leave rather unexpectedly with no notice, and I couldn't help but see that you're no longer wearing your wedding ring. Is there something you'd like to tell me, Carlisle? Was that display in the airport just for show?"

I stared at her, mouth hanging wide. _What? Did she think I was cheating on her?_

"Are you out of your mind?" I could help reveal my shock and horror of what she was implying. Had we really gotten so far from ourselves that this was even a possibility?

She stood there glaring at me, not saying a word. Her eyes studied me, cold and emotionless.

"That's an outrageous accusation, Esme! I can't believe it of you! I can't believe that you'd believe it of me! I am certainly NOT having an affair!"

I was livid. I had wronged her in many ways, to be sure, but this was beyond comprehension. My wife of ninety years had so little faith in me that she thought I would betray her with another!

And then it hit me like a wrecking ball – _my wife had so little faith in me_. The realization that she did not trust me, did not respect me, and did not know me well enough to be certain of my fidelity spoke volumes. I found myself gasping at the hurt that filled me as I realized the truth of things.

My eyes filled with hurt, and my voice was little more than a whisper as I voiced my realization aloud for her to confirm. "You've lost your faith in me. I never thought I would see the day. But I guess it's no more than I deserve. Still, I am not having an affair, Esme. My sins are long and terrible, but that is not amongst them."

With a heavy heart, I moved to sit on a fallen tree at the edge of the clearing. I felt so weary all of a sudden. The hope I carried on my way to the airport seemed foolish and misplaced now. It would seem that I could add my marriage to the long list of things I had to grieve for.

I put my head in my hands, and tried to imagine how things could get worse, and what I would do if they did. I felt completely out of options at this point. Hopeless. My hope, my happiness rested with Esme, and she didn't seem available to me all of a sudden.

There was silence in the clearing for a long time. I couldn't bear to raise my eyes to find Esme, but I knew she was still there. I could feel her with every fiber of my being.

After a time, I heard her move towards me and take a seat on the log next to me.

It was another minute before she spoke.

"I love you Carlisle," she began. "I do. But it's been some time since I've really understood everything going on in that head of yours. I am doubtful of the past several days, because not only wasn't I here with you, but I seemed an afterthought. Whatever you've been doing, it seemed important to do without me. Just like all the decisions back in Forks and Ithaca were made around me, but not with me. I don't feel like I know my place with you all of a sudden."

"You were never an afterthought to me," I whispered, my head still in my hands. "And I will always consider your place to be by my side. If you decide otherwise, I suppose I will have to fight for _my_ place by _your _side, because I don't want to be anywhere else."

She sighed.

A moment passed.

"Tell me about these past several days, then, so that I might understand. Because right now, I feel abandoned and passed over. I feel very alone in the world right now, Carlisle, even with you sitting right here beside me," she said sadly.

I nodded, and took a breath. My story was a hard one, even without the pressure of my entire marriage riding on it.

"In Ithaca, the day I left… I was getting ready for the gala, reflecting on years past when we used to do those kinds of things together. I remembered how proud I was to have you on my arm, and how much I enjoyed those evenings between us. I loved being the man at your side, Esme. Your grace and beauty awed those around you, and yet you held back so much, giving all of yourself only to me. I felt like I held some great secret, a great treasure, when I took you out on the town. I am not usually a vain man, as I hope you will agree, but I did get enormous pleasure knowing that I was able to win your heart when others could only stand aside and stare."

"Thank you, Carlisle," she said softly. "I'm pleased to know you feel that way." I could almost feel the emotion in her voice. It was no less that what was in mine.

I nodded, and let out a very soft "always" in reply.

I took a breath, and continued. "I was feeling melancholy that you would not come with me, assuming that you planned to work that evening so as to avoid the event. Am I wrong?" I asked, stealing a glance at her.

She paused, then shook her head. "No," she said sadly, "I did not want to go. I just didn't feel up to it. I'm sorry for that now, knowing how important it was to you."

"Please don't apologize," I begged softly. "I'm not sure I realized how I felt about it until that moment, getting ready alone. I felt like you should be beside me, puttering over your make-up, rather than downstairs cooking alone. It just made feel reflective."

She nodded.

"I'm not even sure how to explain what happened next. It didn't make any sense then, and it still doesn't – not really. I went to get my cufflinks – the ones with the Cullen crest on them, because I was feeling lonely and sentimental. I couldn't find them. I traced them back in my head, and realized I left them back in the house at Forks."

Esme inhaled sharply. She knew, even without any more details, where I had gone.

"You went to Forks?" she asked with an edge in her voice.

I nodded. "I don't even remember leaving the house, Esme. I was like a compulsion. I had to get them. I couldn't be without them a single moment longer. It makes no sense, I know! One minute I was standing at my bureau in our bedroom, and the next I was already in Michigan. I don't know how it happened, or why something so small and trivial was the catalyst for such a move. I just know that in a blink, I found myself propelling towards Forks and unable to stop myself."

"Not even to call me. Not even to tell me. After a year of my begging to go to Forks, to find our daughter, you left to get her without including me. Is that what you are telling me right now, Carlisle?"

Esme was on her feet. She was furious. Her arms gestured wildly to accentuate her point, and her eyes burned with a fury that I had rarely seen in her. She was glorious, but in this instance, I was very afraid of her.

Fearing her reaction, I whispered, "Yes. I went to Forks. Without you."

"Damn you!" she screamed at me, stalking over and forcefully kicking the tree that I sat upon. It moved back 10 feet, and I was thrown to the ground with the force of the movement. "How could you do that?" she bellowed.

"Esme, I…." I sputtered, trying to explain while pulling myself to my feet, only to be interrupted as she stalked over and shoved me back to the ground. Standing above me, radiant in her fury, she screamed her objections.

"Be quiet, Carlisle! I can't believe you would do this! It would have taken no effort whatsoever to grab me from the kitchen and take me with you – you know I would have dropped everything, _everything_, to go with you! You knew how important this was to me, and you still went without me! How could you do that? What kind of man are you? What kind of husband are you?"

She was wild with fury. I was terrified. And exhilarated.

I made no effort to move from my spot below her, but instead propped myself up on my hands to make eye contact with her. There was no logical explanation for my actions. I knew this.

"I know, Esme, I know. I cannot explain it. It happened in a blink, and by the time I realized what I was doing, I was already half-way across the country. I swear – as unbelievable as it sounds, it's almost as though my brain short circuited – I really think I lost all awareness. I would never deliberately hurt you, my love. I simply moved into action without thinking. I know it wasn't the correct way to handle things – with some thought, I would certainly have handled it all much differently."

I was pleading. I was not in a position of power, and very well aware of the fact that I really had no excuse to offer her.

She stared at me for a long moment, and the stepped away, taking a few steps before turning to face away. Her shoulders hunched, and I could almost see the anger seep out of her right before my eyes. I watched her back as she processed everything. After a moment, she whispered, "I'm not sure how to handle this, Carlisle. It's really so very hurtful. I can't believe you just left me there."

She let out a little sob, and I found myself at her side in a flash. I couldn't stand to see her cry. I simply couldn't.

I reached out and placed my hand on her shoulder. In the blink of an eye, she rounded on me, and, with great gasps, she shoved me away, only to immediately step towards me and fall into my arms.

"How could you just leave me there, Carlisle?" she cried through her sobs. "Everyone else had left, but I counted on you to be by my side always! Always! And then I turned around, and you were gone. I didn't know where you were! I didn't know how to reach you! I didn't know what had happened to make you want to leave! You cannot imagine what that felt like! I hate that you left me all alone! I don't want to be alone in this life! I can't bear the idea of it!"

Great sobs wracked her body, as her hands made tiny fists around my shirt and she clung to me.

"I'm so sorry, my love. So very sorry," I whispered, over and over again, as I held her close and kissed the top of her head, again and again in between my words. "I will never do it again. I promise. I promise, my love!" I was desperate for her to believe me.

"I've learned so much, Esme, over the course of the past several days. I understand it better now. I am very comfortable being a vampire who masquerades as a human. As it turns out, I am neither very comfortable, nor very proficient, being a vampire with human emotions, and human needs. Needs like family, needs like togetherness, needs like love above all. I've spent a good deal of time trying to understand how I made such a mess of things, and I think what it boils down to is that I'm very well suited to lead a coven, but perhaps I'm less well-suited to lead a family. Knowing that, I think we can move forward. I really do want to make this right. Or at least better. I don't want to spend eternity alone either, my love."

She cried into my arms for some time after that. She clung to me, and I clung right back. I hated that I had caused this latest round of grief. And I hated that I knew there was so much more to share.

After a time, her cries slowed, and our embrace relaxed, although we still held each other in the clearing.

I gave her some time to pull herself together before I interrupted the silence to open the conversation that I had actually meant to have out here.

"Esme, my love. We have a lot to get to, and someplace to be before nightfall, so I'd like to continue with my story, knowing that we will have a long road of healing ahead of us. I'm really not trying to brush past the hurt I've caused, but there is so much you need to know, and time is really not on our side, I'm afraid. May I continue?"

She nodded into my chest.

"Where was I?" I asked as I tried to find my way back to where we left off.

"In Forks. Without me." Esme said quietly, traces of bitterness still lingering in her voice.

Truly, I was an idiot. Then, and now.

"Of course," I conceded softly, as I gave her a gentle squeeze. "I much prefer being here, now, with you in my arms. I'll try to stay on point. The story is about to get intense, my love. It might be best if you try to let me get it all out, and then go for questions, if you can stand it."

She nodded again, not lifting her head from my chest.

* * *

><p>So I told her.<p>

I told her of the scent of blood, and the realization that Bella had been living in our house, and the discovery of her letters.

I carefully pulled out each letter for her to read, and then watched as horror, fascination, joy, and outrage played out on her face. Within moments, she knew of Edward's unbelievable act, and the ramifications of our departure.

She was livid. In horror, I watched as my mild-mannered wife slammed a tree to the ground with the force of her anger. I shuttered to think of Edward's fate should Esme come across him anytime soon.

She screamed a wild cry, and annihilated another tree in her path before rounding on me. Her face told of heartbreak and pain unlike anything we had previously experienced, and in it I saw my own feelings as I read Bella's letters only days prior.

Esme collapsed to the ground then, and I raced to her side. She curled into my lap and cried, cursing Edward and myself for allowing this to happen.

"We were her family, Carlisle!" she wailed. "It was our job to protect her and help her through this difficult time! We should have been there for her!"

I rocked her slowly, arms cradling her to me as she sat curled in my lap on the ground.

"I know it, Esme, I know," I replied sadly. "She needed us so much, and it would have been a joy to experience it all with her."

Another great cry escaped her, as she realized that she had missed the opportunity of a lifetime. "I would have loved that! I would have been so thrilled to be by her side, Carlisle." Her voice shook as she spoke of the missed chance. "She must have been so lovely pregnant. I wish I could have seen her. I wish I could have been there for her. No girl should go through that alone," she added wistfully.

"She was," I commented. "She really was lovely."

At my words, Esme's head rose, and her eyes, watery from unshed tears, met mine.

"How do you know? Did you see her pregnant?" I heard the hope in her voice. I hated to disappoint her.

"No, my love, I did not. She left a videotape for Edward. For all of us, really. There were some journal entries, and then she taped the birth for us, so that we might experience it whenever we came back to Forks. It's really rather extraordinary. Terribly difficult to watch, of course, but she is majestic in her strength and determination."

Her eyes alive with interest, Esme asked, "Where is the video now? I would love to see it."

I ran a gentle hand down the side of her face, stopping to cup her head along the side. I offered her a small kiss as I answered, "I know, and you shall see it. It awaits you at our final destination. I thought you might want to watch it together."

She gave me a sad smile, and then tucked back into my chest. "I would love to share that experience with you, Carlisle," she said softly.

I chuckled. "Of course I will be there, Esme, but that is not precisely what I meant. I rather thought you like to watch it with Bella."

At my words, her head flew up, and her eyes danced with the hope that could only come at the promise of reunion.

"You've seen her?" she asked in astonishment.

I nodded. "It's yet another thing I should have waited for you to do, I know," I said remorsefully. "But I was beside myself watching the video. It left me without a full resolution, and I was desperate to know what happened. I ran to a payphone on the edge of town, and called Sue Clearwater. After some convincing, she gave me Bella's information. I called you from the same payphone."

"I wanted to wait for you, love, I did," I continued, when I saw her preparing to interrupt. "But I needed to be sure she was alright. I needed to know that her change had been successful. And I was so afraid that Bella would not want to see us. I wasn't sure if you would be able to handle her rejection after everything else we've been through, and I thought maybe I could scout it out, and try and talk reason to her, if that was the case. I didn't want you to be disappointed," I finished quietly, and somewhat lamely. I knew it was a weak excuse.

She looked at me for a minute, gazing on my face as if searching for the truth. Finally, she gave a bitter chuckle. "I agree you should have waited for me, Carlisle," she said forcefully. I ducked my head in shame, and after a moment, she added softly, "But I wouldn't have been able to resist the urge to see her either, so I suppose I do understand."

My eyes flew to hers, and I found myself speechless. I had thought that this would be the source of yet another round of conflict between us, but instead, I found gentle understanding. I was so very confused.

Esme saw my confusion, and gave another chuckle, only this time, it was genuine. "Carlisle, I think you were right about your inability to deal with human emotions. This is a time when I think you acted very appropriately, and yet you seem certain I would disapprove."

Taking a hand from around my waist, she raised it to cup the side of my face and offer me a soft smile. "We really are going to have to work on your interpretation of handling human feelings and relationships, aren't we?"

I smiled sheepishly, and nodded. "I suppose so, as I still don't understand why you aren't furious with me," I confessed.

It was her turn to offer me a gentle kiss as she replied. "Nothing should keep us from getting to family when they are in need, Carlisle. _Nothing_. THAT is the lesson that we all failed back in Forks, but which you got correct this time around. Perhaps you are learning, even if you don't know it."

I gave her words some thought. It was all very confusing still, but I understood her point.

We stood there looking at each other for a moment, and eventually soft, loving, smiles found their way onto both of our faces. When I could help myself no more, I leaned forward, and offered her a kiss.

It told of endless love, extreme gratefulness, and a promise to be open to the changes that were afoot already. She accepted the kiss readily.

She pulled back when things began to get heated, and with a gentle laugh said, "Oh no, mister! We're not going there now! I have a daughter to get to, and you still have some explaining to do! Beginning with the obvious – do I have a granddaughter or grandson!"

A wide grin made its way onto my face. Esme was teasing me! It was such a wonderful feeling.

I held her close as I replied, "You have both, my love. Bella had twins – one of each!"

Esme gave a startled laugh, and then gave me a warm, hearty hug, as she once again laughed in delight.

"Twins – oh my! That's wonderful! I can't wait to meet them! What are their names?"

I shook my head at her. "Oh no, I can't answer that. You'll get me in trouble with their mother. Bella will want to introduce you to them herself, I am sure," I said with a smile.

Esme grinned back at me. We stood there, entwined, grinning like fools. Fools who were grandparents.

"Wait!" Esme suddenly exclaimed. "Is that who you smell like? Bella? Was it her car you borrowed?"

Her reminder of our earlier conversation was enough to wipe the smile off of my face, and I found myself moving out of her embrace. The hurt I felt at realizing Esme thought me capable of cheating on her resurfaced, and I found myself needing some distance. I turned my back on her, as I answered, not wanting to expose my hurt at her assumption.

"Yes, it was Bella's scent you picked up. Her car. She also has my wedding ring on loan. It would seem that one of the downsides of being changed into a vampire right after being betrayed by your entire family is that one develops a fear of abandonment. She was hysterical at the prospect of me leaving, even though she knew intellectually that I would be coming back. I lent her my ring as a form of insurance that I would return. We both recognized it as my most precious possession."

I heard Esme approach from my right, and I felt her place a gentle hand on my back.

"That's terrible," she whispered. I nodded.

"She's not the same girl we knew, Esme. You should prepare yourself."

"What does that mean, Carlisle?" she asked with worry in her voice.

"She is fiercely independent, and protective of her children. She wouldn't let me in the house before I agreed to a few conditions. She reserves the right to revoke visiting privileges if I don't respect her rules, and she is very strict in her enforcement. She's quite magnificent in her power and strength, but she is definitely not our quiet little human daughter." I answered.

Esme was quiet behind me. I knew she was processing it all.

"How is she with the children, Carlisle?" she asked.

I smiled, despite myself. Esme would always be a caregiver first.

"Wonderful," I replied. "Warm and maternal, and both patient and firm. She's a joy to be around when she's with the children. She reminds me of another beautiful mother I know," I said softly, shooting my wife a glance over my shoulder.

Esme gave my shoulder a little squeeze in thanks. I still was not ready to face her.

"Was she happy to see you?" Esme asked softly.

"Not at first," I answered with a chuckle. "She nearly killed me before I ever got a word out. It took quite some convincing to get in her good graces. Even now, I think we all have a ways to go before we're fully trusted."

It was quiet for some time after that, as we both processed what that meant. Nothing was firm. We could still lose it all. We both understood that we had to tread carefully.

"Carlisle," Esme said after a time, "I apologize for my earlier assumptions about the scent and the ring. It was cruel of me to have doubted you."

Her words were soft, and haltingly spoken, and yet they hit me with the force of a blow.

"I would never do that, Esme," I replied in a whisper, unable to keep the hurt and pain out of my words. "Never."

"I know," she replied softly.

When I said nothing, she repeated it for emphasis. "I know. I do. I just was so hurt at being left behind, and honestly, a bit terrified at the prospect of eternity without you. I couldn't bear it, Carlisle. I need you with me always, and it felt like I had lost you. I was just feeling vulnerable and paranoid. I'm so very sorry."

"I understand the feeling, Esme. I was alone for over 300 years. My first friend and confidant betrayed and abandoned me, and our family. I have spent the better part of two years fighting with and feeling isolated from my wife. My children have left, one by one, as I stood powerless to prevent it. My baby girl, my only real human tie, was broken, possibly beyond repair, because of my actions. There have been so many moments where I have felt utterly alone. It is the worst feeling I know, and the possibility of an eternity of that is beyond terrifying. I do understand. I'm sorry for causing you to feel even a taste of the loneliness and fear I've known."

"Oh Carlisle," she said, moving around to take me in her arms. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't apologize to me again. Rather, I beg you to accept my apologies. I can tell my words hurt you more than you are sharing now. Please know that in my heart, I did not mean them. Not really. I love you, and I am confident in your love for me. I am! We are alright, my darling. Or at least we will be. We will work to make certain of it."

Her words eased my wounded heart a bit, and the gentle feel of her hands running up and down my back and through my hair, brought me great comfort. I missed being held by her. I nodded into her shoulder, and held her closer. Once I could be certain that my voice would not waiver, I whispered softly, "I love you so much, Esme. So much."

I felt her lips brush the edge of my ear as she returned the sentiment. "I love you too, my beautiful husband. I really do."

My lips found hers then, and they were hungry for her taste. We kissed fiercely, trying to heal the wounds we had suffered, and inflicted, through our love and our need. I could tell this time we would not be distracted.

Her small hands found the buttons on my tuxedo shirt, and my larger ones made quick work of her blouse. Our need had us hurrying to disrobe, but even through our lustful frenzy, we were gentle and loving with one another.

Each touch felt like a hot flame upon my skin. Every kiss stole right into my soul. And when we finally reconnected, when she was finally surrounding me in every sense, I felt the world turn on its axis. I felt my spirit re-stitch to hers, and I knew I would surrender myself to her. She owned me, body and soul, and I would spend my eternity following in her footsteps from hence forward.

A path led by Esme could only end up somewhere good.

I would follow her lead, and together, we would rebuild our family.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry this was a little late! I had an unexpected guest in for the weekend... Also, you should be warned that I am going on travel out of the country for work next weekend for a few days. I will bring my laptop and hope to continue to write, but I cannot promise anything, as my schedule is not going to be my own. But I will do my best to stay on top of it for you, as we have much more to our story!<strong>

**Thanks to all the readers out there, especially _Harry Albus Potter Dumbledore_, for the thoughtful reviews and suggestions/questions. It only makes the story better!**


	21. Chapter 21 Family Dynamics Bella

**Chapter 21 – Family Dynamics (Bella)**

I tried to go about my day like I always had, before Carlisle remerged in my life.

It was impossible.

Emma and Masen wanted to know when Papa was returning, and asked frequently. I had no answer for them, as I didn't want to give them false hope. I simply said that he had an errand to run, and would hopefully return soon. I wasn't sure enough in his promise to tell them the truth. I didn't want them to be hurt as I had, should we never see him again.

We didn't play outdoors. We stayed in the house, so that I would hear his return the second he turned onto the driveway. I found myself glancing that way every few minutes, desperate for a sign that he was coming back for me.

There was nothing to see.

I knew I was being foolish, and yet, I could not stop the anxiety that bubbled up every few minutes. I ran my index finger up and down my thumb, focusing on the cool metal of Carlisle's ring, telling myself that he would not leave it behind – that he would not leave us behind.

I wasn't convinced.

It wasn't long before the children picked up on my sour mood, and became sullen and downhearted themselves. Our day was quiet, and the tension that hung over us put a damper on everything. They didn't know what was wrong, but they knew I was unhappy, and that made them unhappy.

I felt like a terrible mother.

During their afternoon nap, I moved to the front stoop, sat on a step, and stared at the driveway. I hoped the force of my gaze would bring his return.

It didn't.

As the day wore on, I felt myself losing faith. I put in a movie for the kids, and curled up with them on the sofa. I hoped to distract them from my anguish, and I hoped to distract myself. While I was no longer checking the driveway every two minutes, my entire being was on edge, alert for the faintest sound that would indicate that someone was coming.

I heard nothing.

Nightfall came. Softly, reverently, I sang my children to sleep, lingering much longer than usual in their bedroom. I was trying to remind myself that even if Carlisle never returned, I was not alone. I had two wonderful children who would share eternity with me, and that was enough.

It seemed it would have to be.

* * *

><p>Sometime later, I found myself staring at Masen's long eyelashes, thinking again of how much he looked like his father. It was almost cruel how similar they were in appearance. However, watching his little chest rise and fall as he slept was the reminder that while he may have come from Edward, he came from me as well. I took comfort in that.<p>

As I went to gently stroke his soft, tiny cheek, I heard it.

A crunching sound. It was unmistakable.

A car had turned onto our driveway.

In a flash, I was up and out the front door. I saw the car tearing down the driveway, and recognized it as my own. Which could only mean one thing.

Carlisle had come back for us!

As joy and relief bubbled over, I found myself racing to greet the car. It screeched to a stop, and Carlisle emerged without hesitation, and moved quickly towards me. In the blink of an eye, I found myself cradled in his warm embrace.

He was soothing me, holding me tight and stroking my hair. I clung to him, sobbing into his chest.

"You came back. You came back. Oh god, you came back," was all I could muster. The relief of seeing him, being held by him, and knowing that he cared enough to return was overwhelming. I couldn't think of anything else – just that Carlisle had come back for me. It was more than I could have hoped for. It was everything.

I felt tender kisses on the top of my head as soft soothing words began to penetrate my consciousness. "…of course, of course, Bella. Of course I came back. I kept my promise, dear girl. I came back. I am here, and I am not going anywhere. You can count on me. I promise. I promise."

I felt myself nodding into his chest. I knew it was true.

Carlisle was a good man. I knew he wouldn't purposefully deceive me. He had been deceived himself. He had promised to return for me, and he had. I knew to have faith in him. My heart and my brain knew it was all true. He could be trusted.

My instinct told a different story, but for now, I was willing to listen to my heart and mind once more. With him by my side, I had that luxury.

"I missed you," I choked out, as my sobs began to subside. I hadn't lessened my grip any, but I was beginning to get my breathing under control.

He chuckled. "So I see, my dear."

I sighed into his chest. It was always so hard to be upset with Carlisle. I wanted to scream at him for being late, for scaring me, and for leaving me in a situation where I might feel this way in the first place, but I couldn't. I was so happy to have him back.

We were quiet for a moment as I pulled myself together. He held me close, and I let him.

After a time, he gently asked, "Bella, do you remember why I left today?"

I nodded. He had gone to pick up Esme at the airport.

_Oh, Esme!_

As the realization that she might be here hit me, I found myself pulling back and looking up at Carlisle. His expression was soft, with a hint of amusement.

"Is she here?" I asked in a whisper, not brave enough to look for myself, in case it wasn't true.

Carlisle studied me for a minute, and then gave a small grin. "She is."

He turned his head, and continued. "She's waiting for you right over there."

My eyes followed Carlisle's gaze, and my breath caught as I saw her.

_Esme._

She was exquisite.

In my human memories, and in the pictures I had taken for the children, Esme was lovely. Elegant. Ageless.

In person, she was extraordinary! She was stunningly beautiful, and from her radiated a warmth and kindness that I could almost touch, it seemed so real. Her entire being screamed "love". I stared at her, my mouth hanging open in disbelief, as I took in the sight of my vampire mother. I found myself unable to look away.

After a few seconds, I became aware of her expression. She was looking at me with longing, but also with sorrow. She seemed so sad. And standing alone, apart from Carlisle and myself, she also seemed smaller somehow, vulnerable. I didn't know what was going on with her.

We stared at each other. We said nothing.

After a moment of watching her, seeing that heartbroken expression on her face, I couldn't take it anymore. I turned back to Carlisle and whispered, "Is she upset with me?"

His gentle hand moved to stroke my cheek. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. My eyes closed, taking in his gentle comfort. "No Bella, of course not. She could never be angry at you."

"Then why is she looking at me like that?" I asked. "She looks so miserable, Carlisle," I said in little more than a whisper. Though I was speaking quietly, Esme must have heard me, because she let out a soft sob from her place by the car.

"Sweetheart, she's upset because you're upset. She's upset because of our actions which caused you all this anxiety. She's upset because she loves you, Bella, and she's missed you. She wants to come to you, but doesn't know how she'll be received."

I saw nothing but sincerity in Carlisle's face, and his words made me brave enough to look at Esme again. She had one hand over her mouth, seemingly to hold in her sobs, and the other clutched the door of the car. She looked like she was holding on for dear life. Her face flashed with emotion: sorrow, grief, joy, hesitation, love, longing.

The last two gave me the courage to address her. "Esme?" I whispered in a small voice laced with hope.

A great sob erupted from her, and she cried out in return, "Oh, Bella!"

Her cry let something loose within me, and in a flash I was out of Carlisle's arms and barreling straight towards Esme. She caught me with arms that were deceptively strong, and her embrace was tight and powerful. She held me to her with everything that she had, and I clung to her just as fiercely.

"Oh Esme, I missed you!" I cried. "I needed you so much! I wanted you to be there. I didn't know what I was doing, and I needed you to help me! I missed you! I missed you!" I was babbling, hysterical in my need to reconnect with her.

"My brave, beautiful girl," she whispered back, "Oh, Bella, my brave beautiful girl." She said little else for a time, as we rocked back and forth.

I could feel her warm breath on my neck, and my senses were overwhelmed with her scent, which was so familiar and yet so new to me. She smelled of baked bread and lilies. Warm, light, and good. I felt immediately at home in her embrace, and was surprised to realize that I didn't harbor the same hostilities towards her that I felt towards everyone else.

I wasn't angry with her. I was just sad.

"I love you, Esme," I whispered into her neck. I needed her to know it.

Another great sob escaped her, and her grip, which I had found tight before, seemed impossibly tighter after my confession.

"Oh baby girl, my beautiful baby girl, I love you, too! I love you so much! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Bella! I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go," she cried back as she held me against her.

I nodded. I knew it. Carlisle had told me how angry, how frustrated she had been, and how it almost cost him his marriage. I knew she didn't want to go. I believed her.

"I will never let anyone take away my family again, Bella. I won't! I've already spoken with Carlisle about it. From now on, things are going to change, and I'm going to be making those kinds of decisions. I will not allow this to happen again. I promise it. It's not fair for you, but it's also not fair for us. We missed so much! We missed everything! You needed us, and we weren't there! You needed us, and we needed you. We fell apart without you, Bella. We can't be away from you any more than you can be away from us!"

I was shocked at Esme's pronouncement. I pulled back to look at her, and saw fierce determination in her face, and wild passion dancing in her eyes.

"What?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"We needed you, Bella. Just as much as you needed us. Our family fell apart because you were not with us. We lost our sense of self. In tossing aside one member of the family, we tossed away the entire concept. You are so important to making it all work, Bella. Please don't ever think differently," Esme declared, imploring me with her eyes to believe her.

"I… I don't know what to say," I stuttered. "I'm not sure how to feel about that, Esme," I finished softly. I wasn't angry with Esme, but I also wasn't sure I was ready to wear the Cullen crest that had been denied me for so long. Somehow, it seemed tainted to me now.

She offered me a sad smile, and answered quietly. "I know. We've lost your trust, and I know it will take some time to build it back. That's only fair. But Bella, I truly believe that if we are to rebuild this family, you will be the vital piece of it. Because it will take your understanding, and your forgiveness, to help bring us all back together again. It's very clear that you are the heart of this family, my beautiful girl."

I closed my eyes and pulled away from her embrace. I suddenly felt overwhelmed, and not in a good way.

How could they just walk away, and then come back when there was trouble and expect me to rebuild their family? It wasn't fair, and I found myself frustrated that there was any expectation of me at all. I loved them, but I owed them nothing.

I realized that even while I didn't hold Esme to the same level of blame and responsibility that I held Carlisle and certainly Edward, I was still unwilling to compromise my independence and sense of self for her. It would be my choice if and how I chose to help the Cullen family. And if and when I decided to become one of them. She assumed too much.

"Esme," I said firmly, turning to look at her from a few paces away, "I think we need to take a step back. I think you are making assumptions that are not accurate."

She looked at me with concern, and then shot a glance over to Carlisle, who was standing in the same place I had left him moments earlier. His expression of concern indicated that he understood where I was going with this. At Esme's glance, Carlisle moved into action, coming to stand by her side, and place an arm around her shoulder.

He knew my words would be difficult for her to hear.

"What do you mean, Bella?" Esme asked in confusion, stealing another glance at Carlisle.

"The fact is, Esme, that while I may have missed you desperately, and love you beyond measure, I think we need to be clear on a few points that I've already discussed with Carlisle. I assume you didn't go over the rules?" I asked, glancing at Carlisle.

"Not in any detail," Carlisle responded. "I felt it would be best if Esme heard it all from you, just as I did."

I nodded. I knew that there was more to it than that. I suspected that Carlisle had wanted to see if I would be as firm with Esme as I had been with him. He was testing me.

"Hmmm… Esme, I'm sorry Carlisle didn't feel it necessary to give you the complete picture of how things stand, but I suspect he was hoping that I would relax my position around you. Unfortunately, my emotional response to you is all the more reason for me to be cautious and clear about my expectations and needs moving forward. I wouldn't want there to be any misunderstanding that might cause a problem. Don't you agree?"

Esme studied me, and then Carlisle, before responding. "Please say whatever you need to, Bella. I admit I'm a little perplexed about what's going on, but I want us to find a way to come together, and so whatever concerns you have, I certainly want to address them," she said graciously.

I sighed. It was hard being tough with Esme. She was just so lovely, and I really just wanted to curl up in her arms.

"Well, the most important point, which you've already touched upon, is that, as of this moment, I do not consider myself a Cullen," I stated plainly. Esme gave a loud gasp and her eyes shot to Carlisle. He was looking determinedly at the ground.

"What? That's ridiculous, Bella! You are most assuredly a Cullen. We all think so!" She replied passionately.

"No, I'm not. As I understand, there are two ways for me to become a Cullen. One involves a Carlisle, the head of the family, inviting me to join the family, and the other involves Edward marrying me, and making me a Cullen that way. Neither of those things happened prior to my change, and as it stands now, I consider myself the head of my own family – the Allison family."

Esme sputtered. Then she turned and cast a steely eye at Carlisle, and said with a harsh whisper, "Did you not indicate our wishes, our feelings when you were here without me? What did the two of you talk about, if not this?"

Carlisle answered softly, "We discussed it. She is not open to joining our family at this time."

Esme's head swiveled to cast her angry gaze onto me. "Is that true?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Why not?" she asked, her voice somewhere between a whisper and a cry.

"Believe me when I tell you, Esme, that a year ago, there is nothing I would have wanted more than to be a member of the Cullen family. But much as happened since then. You all abandoned me. That hurt isn't something that just goes away. Why would I be eager to join the people who left me when I needed them the most – whatever the reasoning?"

"Besides," I continued, as I saw Esme attempt to interrupt, "I had to stand on my own two feet and figure out how to handle my pregnancy and motherhood alone. I had to be strong and tough, and I am! I learned most of what I know on my own, and I am proud of my accomplishments and independence. I am not willing to have anyone make my decisions for me anymore – and I'm certainly not willing to place the fate of my children into the hands of another. As such, I'm afraid that for now, at least, I am unable to accept membership into your family. I have my own family to run. My own children to look after. My own secrets to protect."

Esme stood still, her eyes taking in my words, and my determination.

After a moment, I continued, "As such, I think you and Carlisle will need to figure out how to rebuild your family without me. Although I'm happy to help as I can from the periphery."

I heard a low groan, and realized that it came from Carlisle. It seemed he knew what would happen a split-second before I did.

Esme's face shifted, moving from questioning to a look of blind fury in a flash. She turned on Carlisle, and shoved him harshly away from her. He stumbled back, but managed to keep on his feet. He backed away slowly, as she began circling around him.

"Did you hear that, Carlisle?" she asked coldly. "Did you?"

"I heard her, Esme," he answered softly, his eyes guarded and keenly aware of her movements.

"You heard. You heard. Well, then, I guess you heard that we are NO BETTER OFF than where we were a week ago. Our baby girl wants nothing to do with us, Carlisle. Why? Because Edward is too much of a coward to face his own feelings, and you are too detached to properly reign him in! We have lost everything. Everything! I can't believe this! Is there no end to this misery! What will it take to make this end!" Esme was screaming at Carlisle, who was watching her with a close eye.

I didn't know if I should say something, or let them work it out. I had never seen Esme like this before. She looked wild in her fury. My vampire sense of preservation had me backing towards the house. I hoped she would not hurt Carlisle, but I was damned sure I wasn't going to let her anywhere near my children like this. As a precaution, I placed my shield over the house, assuring that Esme couldn't get to them even if she was able to get past me.

"Esme," Carlisle said in a calm tone, his eyes still watching her intently, "Bella's reasoning is sound, but she's not saying that she wants nothing to do with us. I think if you listen to all that she has to say, you will find that she very much wants to get to know us again. We simply will need to abide by her terms. It's not as drastic as it may appear."

"Not as drastic… not as drastic," Esme muttered under her breath. She turned to me, then, and demanded, "Do I even want to know what these terms are? Or will they break my heart all over again?"

Her words infuriated me. In a flash of anger, I moved to stand between her and Carlisle, mindful that my shield still protected the house.

"Break your heart? You are worried about _me _breaking _your_ heart, Esme?" I was enraged.

"Need I remind you – I did nothing wrong! I didn't leave you heartbroken in the woods under the cover of night. I didn't saddle you with a mythical pregnancy that you could share with no one but a pack of wolves, half of whom would prefer to see you dead that give birth to your monstrous child. I didn't make you suffer though the terror of a cesarean section at the hands of a werewolf without anesthesia! I didn't leave you to figure out motherhood and vampirism all by yourself with no friends or family for support!" I was spitting mad, and as I approached Esme, she wisely took a step back.

"Your heart may be broken, Esme, but mine was broken first! All of my reservations about sharing myself, my life, and my children with you are a direct result of your actions, or inactions. Don't you dare blame me for any of this! I won't tolerate it! If you can't find it within yourself to respect me as the head of my family, then you have proven how very much you 'love' me, and you can get on the next flight out of Vancouver. I have survived without you before. I may not like it, but I'm certain I can do it again!"

Esme gasped at my words, and I saw the grief as it overtook her face.

I turned away, both so that I could control my anger, and also to hide my shame at hurting her with my words. They might have been the truth, but I knew they were hurtful. I didn't want to be this person.

A moment passed, and then Esme collapsed to her knees and buried her head in her hands. Carlisle immediately moved to her side, attempting to comfort her. She shook him off. "Get away from me, Carlisle. I can't bear to be near you right now," she said through her tears.

The look on his face was agony. I found myself frustrated. I had every right to blame Carlisle, and I did, but I didn't think it was entirely fair that everyone else did. They all had free will, and chose not to use it.

"Be careful, Esme," I said coldly from my position a few steps away. "Carlisle is certainly not without blame in this situation, but you are not completely innocent here yourself. It would be a shame to alienate your strongest supporter, and closest family member."

Her eyes found mine, and I could see the surprise in them. I responded to her unasked question.

"Edward told the lie, and Carlisle believed it and ordered the family's departure. However, no one, including you, chose to come see me before you left. Not one of you even considered disobeying his directive to hear the truth for yourself, even if it only gave you the chance to say goodbye. No one is blameless here. Not even you."

Another sob escaped before Esme put her head back into her hands and continued crying. I found myself unable to watch her agony. I needed to be strong, I knew, but I hated that it cause so much misery.

After a moment, she whispered faintly, "Bella's right. I'm sorry, Carlisle."

In a flash, he was by her side, and she was in his arms. He held her close, and soothed her in words and with gentle, loving touches. Hearing those soft murmurs and seeing his tender care of her made my heart ache for another time. There had been a time when Edward held me that way, and loved me that genuinely. Despite everything else that had happened, I knew it was true.

I closed my eyes and let the memories wash over me. Edward's embrace, cool and hard, and perfect – it made me feel so safe in a world that otherwise felt so out of control. His eyes – there were times I could actually see his love blazing through those dark orbs, and other times when I could feel his want for me burning brightly through them as well. I felt like a princess when Edward looked at me that way.

I shuttered involuntarily as I remembered the last time I saw Edward's eyes. Cold and hard, as he split my heart into pieces. I still didn't understand. I wasn't certain I ever would.

I was brought out of my reverie as I heard Carlisle speak softly to Esme, who had calmed down considerably.

"Listen to her, Esme. She has some conditions, but under the circumstances, they aren't anything that we can't live with. The only way to get back what we had is to work together. She wants us here, she just doesn't trust us. We need to earn that back, and to do so, we need to play by her rules. She's not the same little girl we knew back in Forks, Esme, but she's still our beautiful baby girl, and with time, I think we can get back into her heart. I think we can earn back her faith. Please, Esme."

His words were whispered, and yet I felt each one of them. He had already pledged his support an allegiance to my rules and my family. He was concerned that Esme might not do the same, and that would certainly create a problem for us all. He was trying. I found myself feeling a new kinship towards Carlisle, seeing him work so hard to rectify his previous actions.

Esme nodded against his chest, and raise her watery eyes to mine. "I'm sorry, Bella," she said softly, and I could see the anguish in her eyes and hear it in her voice. "I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't this. I was taken off guard. You are justified in your feelings, and I do respect all that you've accomplished on your own."

I nodded, and found myself responding in a voice that was calmer, but still with a coldness to it that I was having trouble shaking, "Thank you, Esme. I'm sorry to be so direct, but please understand, I will not allow my children to experience what I've been through. I will not subject them to the hurt that comes with abandonment. It's unfair to ask it of anyone, actually."

Esme nodded. "I know, sweetheart. I do. I was terrified and furious with Carlisle for leaving me for six days without communicating his plan. I can't imagine how much all this time alone has impacted you. I will try to be more understanding of that going forward."

"Thank you," I whispered, feeling some of the edge leave my voice. "I would appreciate that very much. I don't enjoy having to take a hard line with anyone, least of all you, Esme."

She nodded, and her eyes grew watery again. "I know. I don't want to fight either, my beautiful girl."

I found myself getting emotional and her words, and choked out, "Maybe we could start again?"

I lifted my arms, indicating that I would accept her embrace if she offered it. In a split second, she was out of Carlisle's arms and into mine. We held each other tightly, quietly, as we let our embrace heal the previous few minutes.

After a time, I moved back some, and stated gently, "I love you, Esme. You too, Carlisle." She smiled warmly at me, and Carlisle grinned as well, giving me a little wink of encouragement. "Why don't I go over the rules as I explained them to Carlisle, and then we can get you inside to meet your grandbabies? They've been missing Papa Carlisle, and I expect them to wake up soon. It would be fun to have this day end on a high note, don't you think?"

Carlisle beamed in delight, knowing that he had been missed. He looked every bit the proud grandfather. Esme smiled widely, and clasped my hands in hers.

"Tell me what you need, and I promise to make every effort. At the end of the day, as long as we're together, everything else is just details, right?"

I nodded. I knew she was struggling, but she was trying to make it easier for me to say what I needed to say. I loved her for that. I gave her hands a little squeeze, and then I began to go over the rules.

* * *

><p>As expected, going over the rules was hard. But after our initial screaming match, we managed to get through it with little extra fanfare.<p>

I knew that I had hurt Esme's feelings with the mere implication that either she or Rosalie wouldn't respect my role as the children's mother, but I was determined to make that point clear. Especially since there was no way to know what Edward might do. If he returned, I wanted us all to be on the same playing field. _My_ playing field.

Once everything was out in the open, Esme seemed to need a few minutes to process everything. I could hear the kids stirring the background, just as the sun began to rise over the mountainside. I suggested to Carlisle that perhaps the two of them go for a quick hunt, which would give Esme a few minutes to process everything and get her emotions under control, while I got the kids up and ready for the day.

As they sprinted off towards the forest behind my house, I felt a familiar tug of anxiety. Would they come back? I instinctively looked down, and realized that I still wore Carlisle's ring. I would have to give it back to him when they returned, but it did bring me some comfort to know I still wore it in his absence.

My two sleepyheads eased into the morning with their usual responses. Emma was up and hopping around like a little bunny, while Masen was content to watch in amusement from bed as I attempted to get her dressed. He let me stuff his limbs into a tee-shirt and jeans before demanding that I scoop him up in my arms and carry him into the kitchen. Masen definitely got his morning routine from me.

Over their breakfast smoothie of soy milk and blood and a few chunks of fruit, I got my first question of the day, which surprisingly was from Masen.

"Papa home?" he asked hopefully. I made my heart melt a little bit.

I smiled and gave him a small kiss on the forehead. "Yes, baby, he is. He is just out hunting right now. He'll be home soon," I said reassuringly.

I found that I believed it. Carlisle would be home soon. Esme, too. They were coming back.

I got a beaming smile from Masen, and a round of cheers from Emma.

"Papa pway swide wiff us?" she asked in her little munchkin voice.

I giggled. I loved her enthusiasm. "Well, you'll have to ask him yourself when he returns, baby, but I bet he would love to play on the slide with you," I responded. I was greeted with another round of cheers from her, and a cheeky grin from Masen.

I sat at the table decided that I felt comfortable enough to tell them about Esme.

"Papa went to pick up someone special from the airport yesterday," I said. "Can you guess who it is?"

"Memmet!" Emma screamed. I laughed. She always mangled his name. Sometimes it was "Emt" – one syllable. Sometimes it was "Em". When she was tired, it was often "Emmy", which I suspected he would love if he ever heard it. When she was excited, it was always "Memmet".

"No baby, it's not Emmett. Guess again!" I was enjoying goading her.

Disappointment flashed over her face for a brief second before concentration took over. She looked like she was solving world peace as she considered her options.

"Is it Daddy?" Masen asked softly.

My heart broke a little inside. I ached to be able to tell him yes, if only so that he would have the chance to know his father. Even though I wasn't sure I could bear to be in the same room as Edward, I knew my children were desperate to know him.

I suddenly felt like my little game was cruel.

I placed a gently hand on Masen's head, and gave him a soft shake of my head. "No, little man, it's not Daddy. I'm sorry about that," I said softly.

He nodded, and looked down. After a minute, he looked up and reaffirmed, "Papa, yes. Papa coming?"

I smiled sadly at him, realizing that maybe one of the reasons he didn't talk much was because he needed a strong male influence to relate to. I found myself glad for yet another reason to have Carlisle and Esme back in my life.

"Yes, baby, Papa is still coming, and he's bringing Nana Esme with him," I added, deciding to put an end to my guessing game. It didn't seem fun anymore.

"Reawy?" Emma offered excitedly. "Nana coming to pway wiff us?"

I giggled softly at her. "Really! Nana and Papa will be back from hunting very soon, and they will very much want to play with you, I'm sure."

More cheers from Emma. Masen gave me a small smile as well.

I heard the front door open, and peeked my head around the corner to see a very excited Carlisle and Esme headed my way.

I waved them in, and turned to the kids. "In fact…" I drew out the words, building suspense, "they are here now! Can you say hello?"

I was not at all surprised when Emma hopped down and toddled her way over to Esme, who scooped her up with eyes shining. I was, however, floored to see Masen move quickly to Carlisle, and lift his little arms to be gathered up as well. I felt my eyes water, as I saw the emotion fill Carlisle's features. He was touched at Masen's enthusiasm for him, and eagerly swept him up.

Emma babbled delightedly to Esme, who was beaming with joy and the little girl in her arms. Masen leaned into Carlisle's chest, and watched his sister and grandmother interact with a small smile on his face.

Carlisle's eyes caught mine, and we shared a moment, both realizing how very significant Masen's response was. I found myself moving over and accepting Carlisle's embrace from his arm not holding Masen. He gave me a little squeeze, and unable to stop myself, I leaned up on my tiptoes and gave him a little kiss on his cheek. His responding smile was brilliant.

"Are you happy to see Papa, Masen?" I asked him softly. He nodded in response, with a sweet smile on his face. "Can you say hello to Nana?"

At the sound of her nickname, Esme's eyes found mine, and they practically spilled over with love and joy. I offered her a warm smile, and then my eyes found Masen's again, who was watching us interact. Per usual, Masen missed nothing, and saw the warm exchange between Esme and me. I knew it gave him the comfort to softly say, "Hello, Nana," before tucking his face into Carlisle's chest.

Esme gave a hearty chuckle, and leaned forward, shifting Emma to her far side so that she could reach Masen. She whispered in his ear, "Hello, my little man. I'm so happy to meet you." She then gave him a little kiss on the temple before stepping back.

I heard a little giggle from Masen, even as he was still hiding his face in Carlisle's chest. Carlisle shared a beaming smile with Esme, before whispering his own words of encouragement to Masen. "Nana sure is a charmer, isn't she, Masen?"

Another little giggle escaped him, and he nodded without removing his face.

Carlisle chuckled again, and then said at a normal volume, "And what about me, Miss Emma? Do I not get a hug this morning? Are you saving them all for Nana today?"

Emma gave him a big toothy smile, and reached her little arms for him. Esme took a step towards Carlisle, allowing Emma to give him a big hug around the neck before tucking back in Esme's arms. "Hi, Papa! I missed you!"

He chuckled. "I missed you too, my little princess!"

Esme turned to me then, and in a soft voice asked, "Her name is Emma?"

I nodded, and then realized I hadn't properly introduced her. "Oh Esme, I'm so sorry! Please, let me introduce you!"

Esme laughed warmly at me. "Let me guess. This here," she said, indicating Emma with her chin, as both hands were filled with my bubbly girl, "is Emma!"

I laughed with her. "Yes, that's Emma. Emmalie Carlie Allison. She is named for Emmett and Rose, as well as Carlisle and Charlie. I chose Allison as our last name in tribute to Alice."

The bright smile that had graced Esme's face morphed into a sad one, as she took in my words. "Oh, Bella, that's lovely. What a beautiful gesture!"

I smiled softly at her. "Thank you." There was a pause, and then I turned to Masen, who was peeking out of Carlisle's chest and watching us interact. "And this little man over here is Masen. Masen Whitlock Allison. I suspect you can guess the origins of his name," I finished quietly.

Esme nodded her head, and smiled sweetly at him. "It's so nice to meet you, Masen. You are named after two very important men," she finished softly.

I nodded. "He is. And just to be clear, I purposefully named him after Jasper so that there would be no confusion on my feelings towards him. I love Jasper just as much as I ever did – perhaps even more, now that I fully understand the sacrifice he made daily just in having me around."

Esme nodded, her eyes welling with tears that could never fall. "It's true. He was so determined, every day, to be safe around you, Bella. He struggled so much, and yet he was always glad to see you."

I nodded. "I know, Esme. I know. I hope some day to have the opportunity to offer him my thanks in person."

She smiled weakly, and whispered, "It would mean the world to him to hear you say that."

I gave her a steely look and then said, "Well, perhaps once we get a little more settled here, we can see about making that happen, then."

She gave me a big smile then, and a watery laugh. "I think that would be wonderful, my dear."

We both looked back at Masen, who was watching our interaction intently. I could see that he was concerned that we were upset, and my suspicion was confirmed when he whispered, "Mama?" in question.

I gave him a big smile and a kiss on the forehead. "Don't worry, little man, everything is ok. We are all just so happy to be together. Aren't you?" I gave him a cheeky grin, and he responded with one in kind.

"Yes, glad for Nana and Papa," he agreed softly, as he leaned his head back on Carlisle's chest.

"Me too, baby. Me too."

I found myself grinning from ear to ear as I watched the grandparents interact with Emma and Masen. We moved to the sofa, and gave Esme a chance to tell a story from the family album. We then moved outside, and true to her wishes, Emma got all of us on the slide and chasing around the yard in no time.

Esme and Carlisle seemed so young as they engaged the kids. I found myself watching them in glee, as they were silly and sweet and playful with my children. Ever since I had known them, I had thought of them as the parents – my vampire mother and father. Watching them with my children, I found myself overwhelmed at how young at heart they really were. I wished this could have been their reality – having their own little ones to chase around on a playground.

I hoped that my kids would bring them the joy that they couldn't experience otherwise.

From the delighted giggles, shrieks, and chuckles, I imagined they did.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to everyone for resisting the urge to send me hate mail while I was on vacationtravel. I had great plans to update, but RL got in the way… that, and international technology. **

**Also, I'd like to give a shout-out to **_**Vivietta**_** who was my 200****th**** review – many thanks to her, and everyone who takes the time to give me their thoughts. It makes such a difference. Also, while I'm thanking people, I wanted to thank **_**Camilla10**_** who has nominated **_**My Forever Family**_** for an iSparkle Award for Fresh Talent. Thank you for believing in me!**


	22. Chapter 22 Family Dynamics Carlisle

**Chapter 22 – Family Dynamics (Carlisle)**

Even though it was physically impossible for us to exhaust ourselves, I felt a weary satisfaction descend as twilight approached.

We had spent a wonderful day entertaining Emma and Masen, and even in the stillness of night, I could hear the echoes of their delighted cries and laughter run through my memories. I couldn't remember a day as wonderful as the one we had shared today.

I was overwhelmed at the sight of my wife enjoying her grandchildren. In our early days together, it had been so difficult for us to come together as a couple, knowing that we could never have a family of our own. It had been especially difficult for Esme, who had already experienced a taste of motherhood in her human life, and longed for it. Our ruse of an untraditional family had not been just for show – it was also to ease the ache of knowing we could never have it for real.

Today, with our spirited twins running wild, and Bella willingly turning over the reigns of playground playmate to us, we got to experience a taste of what it would be like to have little ones of our own. It was beyond magical.

I knew all of Esme's smiles. I knew the ones that she saved just for me. I knew the ones that graced her face when our makeshift children did something of delight or great humor. I knew of her false smiles that were often offered to strangers seeking information about our lives. She had a million smiles, and they were all beautiful.

However, nothing was as exquisite as the smile she flashed towards her grandchildren. The love and joy, hope and relief that was embodied within that smile said more than words ever could. I spent as much of today watching for that smile as I did chasing my grandchildren. I knew I would never tire of seeing it, and that she would never tire of giving it.

We wore out the children with our games, and I found myself moved beyond measure when Bella gave us permission to put them to bed while she went to hunt. With Esme curled around Emma, and Masen tucked gently into my side, we told them tales from our past, and Esme sang them gentle lullabies.

I found a peace of mind and soul I never knew existed in that tiny room.

In the quiet that was only broken by the rasping sounds of two little chests breathing in measured hums, Esme and I shared a moment that we had hoped for since we met. Our eyes locked from across the room, and even though we were separated by two tiny bodies, and several feet in between their twin beds, I felt us reconnect as we both gained a new perspective of what we had nearly lost, and what we stood to gain.

The time for blame between us seemed over – at least for now. There was determination in my wife's eyes, and I felt my own spine straighten at the idea of helping her reclaim her dream of a united family.

We needed to talk strategy, and we needed to know how involved Bella was willing to get. We had both learned from today's experience that nothing could heal the wounds of heartbreak like two tiny toddlers anxious to love you and be loved in return.

Sometimes, it seemed, even the most complex problem could be solved with just a little human kindness. And that was one thing that Emma and Masen carried with them in abundance.

They had inherited it from their mother, after all.

* * *

><p>Back in the living room some time later, Esme and I began what would be a defining conversation for our family.<p>

We discussed how to coax Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett to join us in Vancouver. We felt they would need to witness the news of Bella's experience and the joy of the children firsthand, in order to understand the full impact of everything that had happened, and the harsh reality of where our family stood.

We also knew that each of them needed to have their own reunions with Bella, so that they could come to terms with their individual role in her abandonment. Without such efforts, forgiveness could never really be earned, and even with careful apologies and renewed vows of devotion, we suspected it would be slow-going. But we had to start somewhere, and an in-person meeting seemed like the best way.

We mutually agreed that until we figured out everything, we would not make any outreach to Edward, nor accept any communication from him should he extend an olive branch. Neither of us had properly processed the extent of his betrayal, and we were in agreement that any invitation to rejoin the family would have to be earned at this point.

Besides, we were quite certain that Bella did not wish to see him.

Currently, we were also not of the mindset to offer forgiveness so readily. Even as my mind brushed along the mere thought of Edward, I felt a heavy grief descend over me as I once again realized how terribly he had acted, and the lasting implications of his deeds.

Despite the feelings of betrayal and heartbreak over his actions, Esme and I both knew it would be hard to enforce a tough stance in person. For everything that he had done, and all the damage that his lies had cost, we had both loved him for nearly 100 years. How do you turn your back on that kind of love? Is there anything that one wouldn't ultimately forgive their child for?

I was furious with him, but I wondered if I would be able to forgive him. I knew the reason it hurt so terribly was because of the depth of our love for him. Was that something that could be written off for an eternity? I wasn't sure.

And yet, we knew that in order to have any hope of rebuilding the family, we would have to be tough when it came to Edward. Bella would tolerate nothing less, and we suspected that once the truth was out, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie would have their own difficulties accepting him back into the fold.

For now, we would deal with Edward later. And when the time came, we would deal with him together.

As our discussions continued, Esme mentioned that she suspected each of the children had their own personal needs and possible grievances that would need to be aired before a proper union could take place. I was surprised to learn this.

"Carlisle," she said with a great sigh, "a healthy family doesn't just crumble under pressure like ours did. We need to resolve the current problem, of course, but I think if we're already going to be delving into highly emotional territory, we might as well get it all out there. I'm certain that there is more going on than what we think," she said.

I was once again confused. I had felt that things were well amongst us prior to the birthday debacle. I expressed my thoughts to Esme, and she rolled her eyes at me in response.

"Explain it to me, then, Esme," I said, trying not to let frustration color my tone. "I clearly don't comprehend what you are talking about."

"Well, I don't know exactly what I mean, Carlisle. I just believe that there are underlying problems, concerns, or issues that maybe the others will want to get out so that we can move forward," she said with a sigh.

"For example, I'm not really sure I fully understood my frustration over you and Edward making all the decisions for our family until that night in Forks when it all came to a head. If I had thought my feelings through a little, been able to verbalize them to you in advance of that night, who knows what might be different? Maybe I would have fought harder to have my voice heard? Maybe you all would have slowed down enough to really hear me out? Maybe I would have been brave enough to confront Bella on my own regardless? But because those feelings were just an underlying tension that I never really addressed, it was too late when I finally realized how I felt. Maybe there are things, like that, that the others are holding in, whether consciously or subconsciously, that we need to explore. I don't want another crisis to once again destroy our family because we haven't built it back on solid ground."

I looked at her for a long time, to the point that she grew uncomfortable and rose from the sofa, moving to stand by the window.

"Do you think I'm foolish?" she asked softly.

I shook my head. "No darling, I was thinking quite the opposite, actually."

My words surprised her, and she turned to look at me.

I didn't really know how to explain what I was feeling, but I felt like something was shifting within me. I wanted to explain it, but I was having trouble putting it into words.

"I just… You understand human nature in a way that I don't. I feel such compassion and empathy for humankind, but I don't always understand it, Esme. I never would have considered latent feelings being relevant in what's happened to us here, but I see your point. I just, well, I don't know how to think along those lines. It's been a long time since I was truly human, my love. It's very disorienting to be so unsure," I said with a sigh.

She offered me a small smile. "It's been eye opening for me as well, Carlisle. Because you are so kind and compassionate, it never occurred to me that you might not actually be perceptive to emotions. It always seemed well within your comfort zone."

I chuckled. "I understand the basics. I understand pain. I understand happiness. I understand grief and loneliness and concern. I feel the weight of these emotions myself from time to time. Much more often, recently, I admit," I offered with a harsh chuckle.

"I don't think it was until that feisty human girl entered our family and started really reminding us of what it felt to be a human, and to be in a human family, that it began to get confusing for me. She has always surprised and challenged me – all of us. Her depth of emotion and thoughtfulness was startling, especially given her age and life experience. I think we all began to think and feel and act like a human family because of her influence, and I struggled with that. I obviously still struggle with it," I said with a sigh.

Esme offered me a soft chuckle in response. "Perhaps that's part of the catalyst for all of this then. Maybe that's one of your underlying concerns. You are comfortable leading a coven, but not a family. We talked about this the other day, but I think it bears more discussion, Carlisle. Because I wonder how the family can come together under your leadership if you are not actually comfortable leading."

Her tone was soft and gentle, but her words stung.

They stung because of the truth within them.

I had led our family for 100 years – ever since we existed as such. I was the founder, and the sire to the bulk of the family on top of it all. And yet, Esme had touched on an uncomfortable truth. I didn't know how to lead when it came to matters of the heart. I looked to Esme for guidance. Esme and Bella. They understood the dynamics of family in a way I suspected I never would.

I looked up at Esme, and I knew she would see the panic and fear in my face. She did. In a flash, she was by my side.

"It's true. Things have shifted, and I'm not sure I know how to lead a family. In matters of the heart, I would do well to follow your example. I'm not suited towards understanding the intricacies of human emotion. These nuances you speak of are foreign to me. Even as I feel them myself, I require you to explain them to me! How am I to identify them in others? What does this mean, Esme?"

Would our family cease to exist because I was an emotionally stunted vampire? Who knew one human girl could have such an impact upon us all? Yet, it had already happened – she had changed us all.

Esme offered me a sweet smile, and leaned forward to grasp my hand. I accepted her comfort gratefully.

"Let me ask you something, Carlisle," she said gently, cautiously. "Knowing what we know now, and given all that we've been through, is it safe to assume that you would trust my judgment implicitly? Would you be comfortable letting me serve as decision maker going forward? I would obviously consult you along the way, knowing first hand how it feels to have decisions made for you, but if we disagreed, would you be willing to concede to my leadership?"

I stared at her, stunned. My mind began to wrap itself around what she was implying – what she was asking. I found myself not knowing how I felt about it.

"Esme?" I asked, the silent question lingering out there for her to confirm or deny.

She slowly raised her free hand and cupped my face, rubbing her thumb along my cheekbone. She was trying to soothe the impact of her words.

"I'm suggesting that since our family dynamic has changed, and our family is in crisis, perhaps you would be willing to relinquish the leadership of the Cullen family to me. At least until we sort ourselves out and get organized again."

I just stared at her. Her eyes were warm with love and tenderness as such watched me process her suggestion. She knew the importance of what she asked.

She did not seem afraid. She did not seem concerned. She definitely did not seem defensive or anxious or passionate in her ask. She was not trying to convince me. She was merely asking.

She was leaving this decision up to me.

So I considered it. Comforted by her gentle touch, her small hand clasped in mine, and the absolute faith in me that I saw within her steady gaze, I felt safe enough to consider what she asked.

Could I relinquish my leadership to her? Could I release the ties that bound the others to me, and give them permission to align with her? Could I, in all honesty, step aside and bend to her will?

At first, it seemed impossible. _I_ was the head of the Cullen clan. They were _my_ sires. They were _my_ children. They were _my_ family. I had the history and knowledge of this world we shared. I had the experience, and I had built this family from nothing but my 300 years of solitude.

But even as I considered, I knew my answer. If Esme led the family, I would still be within it. I would not lose my family. Those I had sired would still be loyal to me – that also would not change. I would still be the father-figure to them, even if I was no longer the leader – I was, after all, Esme's husband and mate. The main difference was that for all of my experience in the vampire world, I was ill-prepared for the challenge that currently faced us. My experience meant nothing. If anything, my age put me at a disadvantage, because I was significantly more removed from my own humanity.

Several moments passed as I continued to consider what she was requesting. I would not lose anything other than the incredible pride, as well as substantial burden, associated with being the head of the family. Could I stand that blow to my pride?

I thought about the children, and what this might mean for them. Rosalie had never warmed to me, although she had found peace with Esme decades ago. She would probably be proud to align herself with Esme's family. Jasper might struggle with the transition from a security standpoint, but I thought in many ways, he would be the most understanding, considering his direct link to our emotions. I didn't anticipate a problem from Alice, either. And Emmett was usually content to go with the flow, as along as everyone else was happy. I sighed.

The children might actually relish the change.

I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

Then I wondered about Bella. We had certainly had our rough times, but I wondered what her thoughts on this would be? I felt a certain kinship with her now, and I hesitated to do anything to challenge that. But she clearly loved Esme, and seemed to hold her less responsible for the past than myself. Perhaps it would make it easier for her to join our family if she wasn't joining _my_ family. That thought made me sad.

And then there was Edward.

Edward. I felt myself flinching at the agony that his name inspired. He had been my first friend – my companion through it all. Even before Esme. In many ways, I was closer to him than anyone else, including Esme. Would he accept her leadership?

Did I actually care?

I realized that in many ways it might be better for Edward, and our entire family, if Esme was in charge when we finally faced him. I knew I would eventually relent to him – I loved him despite my fury. I knew Esme loved him, too – but once again, her understanding of the emotional aspect of our separation would be helpful here. She would make the best decision for the family, whereas I might make the best decision for me. Or Edward. I wasn't sure I could be trusted to do the right thing when it came to Edward.

That alone was probably reason enough to relinquish my leadership.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I felt Esme's warm lips graze my forehead.

With a tender smile, she asked softly, "Are you in there, Carlisle? Or have I blown your mind to pieces?"

My eyes focused on hers, and still I saw nothing but patience and tenderness.

She was waiting for my decision. She wasn't telling me what she wanted. She wanted to know what I thought.

I thought my wife was the most amazing woman on the planet.

"I'm here, my love," I said quietly, looking into her amber eyes and finding everything I actually needed within. "I'm right here, with you, for eternity. Correct?"

Her smile grew, and she nodded. "Always."

I leaned forward and placed my forehead against hers. Her hand moved from my face to the side of my neck, and her thumb kept up tempo, rubbing soft circles to soothe the moment.

"I trust you, Esme, with everything I am, and all that I have. And that includes our family. If you are comfortable leading it, I would be proud to follow you," I said softly.

She was quiet for a time, but her thumb kept up its gentle pattern on my neck.

"You won't resent me for it?" she finally asked softly.

I leaned down, and placed a tender kiss on her lips. "No, I will not."

"And you understand why I think this might be best?" she asked again.

A small smile broke across my face. "Yes, love, I do. I am not defensive about my struggles in this area. The challenge we face now is not an invading army, tensions with the Volturi, or a security threat to our family. The challenges we face are definitely more along the lines of your area of expertise."

She offered me a soft giggle. "I didn't know I had an area of expertise, exactly. Pray tell, Carlisle, what is my area of expertise?"

I pulled back so I could look in her eyes. "Love. You are an expert in love. No one loves like you do, Esme. We are all better for having experienced it. And I think we're going to need a whole lot of love to bring us back to where we want to be."

She looked at me for a long moment, and then scooted over to sit on my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I used my hands to grab her waist and pull her close to my body. She kissed me once, twice, a third time. Then she leaned down and nibbled on my ear. I couldn't help the groan that escaped. She knew what she was doing.

"I love you, Carlisle," she whispered in my ear. "You first. Always. And I will always be proud to be your wife. And your mate. Our children are lucky to have you there to guide them and support them, and that won't ever change. I don't want you to think that you would not be integral to our success in rebuilding, Carlisle, because you would be. We will all need you to be beside us every step of the way. If I have any chance at success, it will be because of you."

I nodded. "I know, my love. We all must give our everything if we want to be successful. I am willing to do that. And I will be proud to watch you lead us forward, my beautiful, beautiful wife."

I kissed down the side of her jaw, and then trailed my kisses down her neck. I found her scar, the one I left when I changed her, and ran my tongue over it softly before peppering it with soft kisses.

"I know who I am, Esme, and I am very comfortable watching you work. I will tell you if that changes, but I fully expect to stand in awe of you for the rest of eternity."

Her body shuddered as my tongue made another pass at her scar. "Good," she whispered breathlessly, "because I would never want anything to come between us. Between this."

I nodded, and leaned back, pulling her with me so that we were lying on the sofa, with her on top of me.

"Me either, my love. Me either." I took her face soundly between my hands, and brought it to me. I kissed her passionately, reveling in her affections and slowly feeling myself come to peace with our decision.

I would not be the head of the family anymore.

But that was alright with me.

The road ahead of us was rocky. It would be my job to support Esme as we navigated through it. I was confident I could do that.

"Carlisle," she said breathlessly with a little giggle, pulling my mind back to the present, "we are behaving like teenage babysitters, lying here making out on the couch while the kids sleep in the other room."

I laughed at her analogy, because essentially, that's what we were. Well, that, and grandparents making out on the couch. Somehow, that sounded wrong, even in my head.

I gave her bottom a little squeeze, and chuckled at the resulting gasp she offered. "Tonight, Esme, let's embrace those teenagers. Tomorrow, we can go back to being grandparents and parents, and the serious work of putting our family back together again. I think we are going to need a little make-out session to prepare for all that, don't you?"

She giggled, and kissed me hungrily in response. "You are being very cheeky, Carlisle," she said in between kisses.

I chuckled right back. "I no longer have to be the perpetual grown up, my dear," I said with a smirk. "I'm suddenly feeling very much like my 23 year old persona, especially when you," I paused, trying to control my responses to her movements above me, "when you move like that."

My wife offered me a wide grin, and whispered, "Well then, I think you're really going to like what I have in mind next," she said, as her hands moved down towards my chest.

I groaned.

I had a feeling she was right.

* * *

><p>When Bella returned from her hunt, she found us curled up on the sofa talking quietly about what the next few days might hold.<p>

After a quick shower, and a kiss for each of the sleeping children, she came and joined us.

"You two look cozy," she said with a little grin.

I rolled my eyes at her, as Esme smiled, and tucked further into my side. "We've had a nice night," she said softly.

Bella's grin grew wider. "I'm so glad," she said with a smirk.

I laughed at her then. "Alright, missy, that's enough of that!"

Esme and Bella both laughed in response.

"Besides," I said, "Esme and I came to some important decisions about our family that we wanted to discuss with you, and had some ideas for moving forward, which would obviously need your participation and agreement. Care to discuss that for a few minutes?"

Bella's smile dimmed slightly, and she said softly, "Sure, I'm all ears."

I looked down at Esme, tucked into my side, as she looked up at me. "Why don't you explain, my dear," I said softly. Esme nodded in return.

"Bella, Carlisle and I spent quite some time trying to figure out a game plan for reuniting our family. There are a few components to the plan, and since they do involve you, we thought we'd better run them by you first."

Bella nodded. "I appreciate that. I'm glad some understanding of my rules was present during your discussion."

Esme nodded. "Indeed. In planning, it never left our minds that anything involving you or the children would need to be approved by you first."

"Glad to hear it," Bella said softly, with just a faint trace of an edge to her words.

"Before we get into all of that, however, I think you should know of a decision that we've made tonight," Esme continued. Bella raised her eyebrows in question, but said nothing.

"I am assuming the role of head of the Cullen family. Carlisle has willingly passed the leadership over to my trust."

Bella's mouth dropped open, and her eyes flew to mine. I offered her a warm smile, so she would know that I was on board with this change. After a beat or two, her eyes flew back to Esme's, and she studied her closely.

"Wow."

I chuckled. Our Bella was still very much our Bella.

"I know it's quite a change, but given the challenges facing us, and some of the actions or inactions that got us to this point, we felt it might be an important first step towards moving forward." Esme offered calmly.

Bella continued to study her for a moment, and then her eyes found mine again. "And you are ok with this?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Yes, my dear. We've discussed it at length. There are some very good reasons for the change, and after all, I'll still be a participating member in the family – I'm not going anywhere. I'm just relinquishing control to Esme in the hopes that she can clean up this mess I've made."

Bella frowned. "Carlisle," she said in a scolding tone, "I don't think this mess was entirely of your making."

I gave her a soft smile. "I'm very pleased to hear you say that, my dear," I responded quietly. "But it certainly happened under my watch, and I was complicit, knowingly or not, in events that transpired to break us apart. Furthermore, I'm not as in touch with either my emotions, or those around me, to appreciate the intricacies of putting this all back together again. We both feel that the family might be more receptive if Esme is leading the way."

Bella's gaze lingered on mine for another moment, and then once again, her eyes shifted to Esme.

"You're sure you want to do this?" Bella asked.

Esme offered her a small smile and responded firmly, "Yes. Like you, I'm unwilling to turn my family's happiness over to someone else's leadership, and I feel like I have some good ideas on how to bring us all back together again. I know it will be a challenge, but I feel confident I can do it. Especially with Carlisle's support," she added, giving me a little squeeze around the waist, "and hopefully yours as well," she finished, her eyes fixed on Bella.

Bella eyed her coolly for a minute, and then rose and walked to the window. She gazed outward into the night, with her back to us.

"What do you need from me?" she asked.

Esme took a deep breath, and answered. "I think in order for us to being talking about coming back together, everyone is going to have to find a level of peace in their relationship with you. I respect that you are not ready to join our family, Bella, I really do. But I think each of my children is carrying a good deal of guilt, grief, and shame over how things went back in Forks, and I don't think we can really move forward until they deal with that. I thought if we could bring them here, and ask you to spend some time with each of them, it might be a catalyst towards a greater reconciliation."

"So you want me to forgive them all, just like that." Bella said bitterly.

Esme stood, and moved over to where Bella stood. Without touching her, she moved to stand beside her.

"No, sweetheart, that is not what I'm asking," she responded. "I know that will take some time, and for some of us, it may never fully happen." Bella turned her head slightly, peeking at Esme out of her peripheral vision.

"I just believe," Esme continued, "that they need to understand the depth of Edward's betrayal, and the enormity of the fallout from it, and their role in causing you such heartbreak. As you so rightfully pointed out yesterday, none of us are innocent in this mess, and I believe we all need to acknowledge the truth of the situation and our role in making in worse before we can hope to make it better."

Bella was still for a time as she processed Esme's words.

Finally, she said, "I don't think I can handle seeing them all at once. And I'm definitely not ready to deal with Edward." Her voice was shaky.

Esme sighed, a reached a hand out to gently rub Bella's back. Bella didn't move.

"Alright, sweetheart," Esme responded gently, giving her words some consideration. "Maybe we could bring them here one couple at a time, so as not to overwhelm you. Would that make it more manageable?"

Bella was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I wish I could talk with Emmett and Jasper, without having to deal with Alice and Rosalie, but I guess that's not really possible, is it?"

Esme was still a moment, considering her request. Finally, she sighed, and shook her head. "I can't think of a scenario in which the boys would leave the girls behind without a pretty detailed explanation. And if you were involved in the explanation, there is no way Alice, at least, would stay behind. I think we need to pick a couple and start there."

Bella sighed, and rubbed a hand up and down her face in frustration.

Esme pushed her gently, asking, "Can you talk to me about your concerns?"

Bella's answer was soft, but powerful. "I'm so angry at Alice that I almost can't breathe when I think of her. But I'm also terrified of Rosalie's reaction to all of this, especially to the children. I don't know what I'll do if she's horrible to them, or disparaging to me as a mother. I'm honestly worried I might injure both of them in a fit of fury."

"Oh sweetie," Esme responded, "I understand why you feel that way, of course, but I can't imagine you actually hurting them. I think it will be alright."

I found myself thinking of my initial interaction with Bella, and agreeing more with Bella than Esme in this case. But then, I remembered that Esme didn't know about the shield. Or any of Bella's mysterious past.

Bella sighed in frustration, probably thinking the same thing I was.

"Bella," I said gently, causing her to turn and look at me, "we haven't had the opportunity to share with Esme your talent, and quite frankly, I had a few questions about it myself. Maybe we should do that so that she understands your concern."

Esme's eyebrows shot up when I mentioned Bella's talent.

"Bella?" she questioned.

Bella sighed, and then moved back to her chair. Esme followed, joining me on the sofa.

"There is much to tell, Esme. I'm sorry I've left it out for so long – we just had other things going on. But I do think Carlisle's right. I have my own secrets – perhaps its time I told you some of them," she said wearily.

"Only if you are comfortable, Bella," Esme responded.

"Well, there's really no time like the present," Bella answered. "And I promise to give some consideration to inviting the others to join us here, but I'd like to request a few more days to get used to the idea, while also getting more comfortable with the two of you. So much has happened so quickly – I'll admit to being emotionally exhausted from it all. It might be nice to have some time to catch up before the others descend."

Esme nodded. "All of that is more than reasonable, my dear girl. We'll come back to that discussion in a few days."

"Thank you," Bella replied gratefully.

Bella then proceeded to explain our initial meeting to Esme, and how she had virtually no control over her shield due to her fury and instinctive need to protect her children. She also admitted to using the shield again when we were fighting with each other, worried that the children might be harmed in our fury. She was concerned that a strong emotional reaction might cause her to harm Alice or Rosalie, and she was quite concerned about killing Edward entirely should he ever show up on her doorstep.

There was silence for a few minutes, as we processed her news.

Finally, Esme asked, "How did you discover the shield in the first place? It sounds as though you've rarely had a chance to use it."

Bella's eyes got a faraway look, as though she were reflecting on another time.

"When Emma and Masen were very little, I had to take them hunting with me – I couldn't just leave them alone in the house. I had them strapped to my body using slings that the Quileute showed me."

"One night I was hunting not too far from the Canadian border, and I encountered another vampire. I knew, instinctively, that she wanted to hurt me. She wanted to hurt my babies. I was cornered, and unable to properly defend myself without injuring the babies. I was panicked. I was frantic. Without even realizing what I was doing, I unleashed my shield and used it to pin her to the ground. It made it possible for me to tear her to pieces without injuring the babies. I burned her. I killed her."

Bella let out a small sob. "She deserved it, but still, I killed her. I killed her! I didn't know I was capable of that. I have a new appreciation for why Edward always called himself a monster. That's absolutely what I felt like when it was all over."

I watched my little girl grieve for a rouge vampire out to hurt her. I almost couldn't believe she was capable. She was so kind, so good, so gentle.

And then my mind flashed with another memory. Bella, wild with fury, dangling me from a tree trunk, and then tossing me 100 feet into the driveway dust. Suddenly, it didn't seem so hard to imagine.

She may have been human first, but she was definitely vampire now.

Esme looked stunned at this revelation. Finally, she said softly, "Bella, sweetie, you did what you had to do. I would do anything to protect my children, and they aren't even born of my body. I can only imagine the panic and fury you felt. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing!"

Bella raised her eyes to look at Esme. I saw the sorrow within them, and wished I could ease her pain. "I know that intellectually, Esme," she said softly. "But my heart still grieves. I'm definitely not the same girl I once was. There's just something so final about it. It's something I will carry with me always."

Esme and I both nodded. "Of course, dear girl," I offered. "You would not be the girl we love if you were able to kill another being so cavalierly. It does take a toll, and you should take comfort in the fact that it matters that much to you."

Bella seemed to think on my words for a time, and then she offered me a small smile. "Thank you, Carlisle," she said softly.

"Always, my dear," I replied. I wished I could do more.

I felt the force of Esme's gaze, and I looked down to find her watching me intently. "What is it, my love?" I asked.

She leaned up, and offered me a small kiss. "For a self-proclaimed emotionally stunted vampire, you offered up some very good advice there, darling."

I smiled down at her. "I do try. I don't always get it right, but I do try."

"I know you do, Carlisle," she replied softly, "and I love you for it."

I bent down and kissed her again. It felt so good to be at peace with her once again. Her gentle, loving kisses were always welcomed.

I heard a gentle clearing of the throat, and looked up to find Bella grinning at us again. "Ok, you two – that's enough. Not in front of the children," she said teasingly.

Esme pulled away, but tucked herself into my side. "Sorry, sweetheart," she said with her own grin. I offered Bella a wink, and she replied by rolling her eyes at me.

Esme looked up after a minute, and asked Bella, "Honey, how did you know that you had a shield? I mean, how did you piece what had happened together? I think I would have been overwhelmed and clueless about what had happened…"

Bella's grin faded, and she nodded. "I was. I was terrified, and very confused. It wasn't until sometime later than I ran into a vampire couple, and they explained. Apparently, the male vampire can identify gifts or talents, and he explained what it was. He offered to help train me, but I wasn't comfortable with letting a stranger into our lives, so I declined. I sometimes wonder if I should have taken him up on his offer, so I could control this thing better… but I don't trust strangers around my children, so…" her voice trailed off.

My interest was peaked at her description of the couple, however. "Bella, did you catch their names? I have an old friend who has a gift of knowing talents – I wonder if you crossed paths with Eleazar and Carmen?"

Bella frowned. "No, I didn't ask their names, and they didn't offer. The only reason I let them approach was because they had yellow eyes, though."

"Oh, Carlisle, it has to be them!" Esme cried.

I nodded. "Bella, I suspect it was. There are very few vampires who share our diet, and Eleazar has the gift of which you speak. They reside in Denali, Alaska, but often take extended vacations from the family for some, ah, alone time," I said, feeling rather embarrassed as I finished.

Bella laughed at me. "Alone time, aye? Well, regardless, they were nice enough, but I just wasn't sure. Perhaps when the kids are a little older we can reconnect with them. I did appreciate his help, even if I wasn't very friendly," she said.

I nodded. "I'm sure that would be lovely, although I agree that it's probably wise to keep the news of the children contained as much as possible. I think the Volturi would find them far too interesting, and we certainly don't want that."

Esme and Bella nodded. "Agreed."

A few minutes of silence followed, as we each were lost in our own thoughts. I was imaging Eleazar and Carmen's reactions to the children – they would be thrilled and astonished. It didn't surprise me that Bella had run across someone we knew – vampire circles really weren't that big, especially in North America. Our numbers were much fewer here, despite the ample land and northern climates.

Realizing this made me wonder aloud, "Bella, did you ever catch the name of the vampire you defended yourself against?"

Bella's eyes found mine, and she looked fearful. She turned her head away, and shrugged her shoulders as she responded, "I didn't need to ask. I knew her already. It was Victoria that came after me that day."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: An Easter surprise, even if Easter only lasts another hour! Happy Easter  Passover / Sunday. Hope you had a good day!**

**Two shout-outs today: _katmom_ did some important research for me. Thank you! Also, _missrebecca_ made me TWO banners for My Forever Family. You can find the links on my profile page. They are awesome. I feel pretty fancy to finally have my own banners. Woo hoo! Thank you so much for your hard work!**


	23. Chapter 23 Dwelling in the Past Bella

**Chapter 23 – Dwelling in the Past (Bella)**

Esme and I were enjoying a comfortable silence as we sat on my back steps, watching Carlisle build a fort with the children from some branches he had brought into the yard from the forest. They were so industrious when it came to helping him get the makeshift roof covered, and they both delighted in pleasing their grandfather.

I wished I could get them as excited about brushing their teeth.

Carlisle and Esme had been at the house close to a week, and we were slowly navigating our way through the treacherous waters of reunion. Most of the time, things went well, but every once in awhile, we'd move too closely towards a sensitive subject (such as Edward), and tension and awkward silences would descend. The children were often the ones to pull us out of these difficult moments.

Carlisle and Esme were also spending a good bit of their evenings trying to determine out how their new role reversal would work. In order to do so, they spent time talking about hot-button issues that would affect the family down the road – things like the Volturi, the Denali's, and of course, where to take up residence next. They both agreed that Ithaca had not suited anyone, and neither really had any desire to return to the difficult climate and sad memories.

I watched them in awe.

Truly, I had never seen such a unified pair. Even when they disagreed, they were loving and gentle with each other in their disagreements. Carlisle was also doing a pretty admirable job of letting Esme have her way the bulk of the time.

I had never considered Carlisle an arrogant man, of course, but I had detected a strong sense of pride in his accomplishments and his family. Yet here he was, working with Esme to help her take the reins of the family, with neither a harsh nor defensive word expressed. In some ways, he almost looked relieved. When I considered the personalities that needed to be managed within the Cullen family, I realized that it was quite an undertaking, and he might very well be pleased to relinquish it.

Esme was certainly keen to assume the helm. She asked endless questions, often about the logic associated with various decisions over the decades, and tirelessly sought information that would help her navigate the vampire world as the family head. I was so impressed with her fierce determination, and I couldn't help but wonder – did I come across as strong and capable as she? Some days I felt certain I did – but others, especially ones when I felt clingy or needy towards my vampire parents – I couldn't help but feel a little bit like human Bella, just looking to be loved and fit in.

I was beginning to accept that perhaps I would always have to juggle my dual role of mother and family matron to my children as well as daughter to the great Cullen clan. Even if I was not ready to accept them, they continued to speak as though my eventual participation in their family was a certainty.

I couldn't decide if I hated their persistence, or craved it.

I had wanted some alone time with Esme for awhile – it just was so hard to leave the children during the day, as they were delighting in the new-found attention from their grandparents, and vice versa. And I was delighting in their delight.

However, I felt that maybe this moment was as good a time as any.

"Esme," I began, only to have my computer interrupt with its tell-tale beeping. I had a Skype call trying to come in. I knew exactly who it was.

Offering Esme a sheepish smile, I stood, and made my way inside, offering, "I'll be back in a few minutes" as my only explanation. She smiled in understanding, and her gaze returned to her husband and her grandchildren.

Entering the house, I quickly made my way to my bedroom, where the laptop was perched on the end of my bed. Pulling it open, I smiled widely at the familiar face that greeted me.

"Jake," I said warmly, "I'm so glad you called!"

"Hey there, Bells," he replied with a big goofy grin. "Everything going ok up there?" His tone was playful, but I caught the undercurrent of concern that was hidden in the question. He clearly knew about my visitors.

I giggled at him. "Yes, Jacob, things are fine. I take it you know about my visitors?"

He nodded, looking concerned. "Yeah, Sue told us. She wasn't really sure if she did the right thing, but according to Sue, Carlisle is very persuasive. She seemed kind of annoyed that he talked her into it, actually," Jacob finished with a chuckle.

I laughed. "I can totally see that. But it's true. It's pretty hard to argue with Carlisle," I said fondly, thinking of my vampire Dad who I could hear instructing Masen on why fort-building was an important skill for a growing boy.

"So you are ok with him being there?" Jacob pressed.

"Yeah, now I am. We had a few ugly minutes when he first showed up, and I've definitely laid down some ground rules to avoid a repeat of what happened in Forks, but yeah. I'm glad he's here. Oh, and he actually brought Esme out a few days ago, too. We're all working together to sort everything out. It's been… an experience."

"Hmmm, well, it sounds like you are a lot more forgiving than I would ever be, Bells. I mean, they just left you there, and honestly we had no idea what we were doing! I mean, I basically sliced you open, Bells. That was NOT COOL. I'm not feeling very charitable towards the doc and his bride just yet," Jacob offered.

I smiled at him, loving his protective nature. "I know, Jake, but we did pretty good on our own, all the same. And one thing I will say – I'm making it very clear that as far as myself, Emma and Masen go, the only one calling the shots from now on is me. It's been tough for them to understand, I think, but they can't really argue, can they? So if I get two healthy babies and some autonomy out of it all, I think it all probably worked out for the best. Don't you?"

"I guess," he replied. "All I know is that you better get Carlisle's phone number next time around. I am NOT doing that again!"

I laughed loudly at that. "Fair enough, Jake, fair enough. Although I think I can state with certainty that it won't be happening again."

"Yeah, I guess you are right about that!" He said with enthusiasm. I found myself smiling, but my smile faded as I considered it more closely. I would never have children again. I could never, physically. And I would never, anyhow, because I no longer had Edward in my life to help me make them.

I sighed. It was involuntary.

"Oh, hey, Bells – I'm sorry. That was probably rude or something, huh?" Jacob said apologetically, picking up on my emotional shift.

I chuckled at him softly. He was a good guy. An oaf, but a good oaf.

"Nah, Jake, don't worry about it. Most of the time, I don't think anything of it, but I'll admit, now that I know what I'm missing, it does make me a little sad. I mean, they grow up so fast, and I can only do it this once. And I know you are going to hate this – I hate myself for saying it – but I'm sorry that Edward is missing it. I mean, I wouldn't trade all of this for anything, and even if I think he's a little shit," I paused, whispering the expletive so that little ears would not be able it pick it up, "it makes me sad for him to know what he's giving up. What he has already given up. That's all."

Jacob sighed, and a pained expression flashed across his face. "I hear you, Bells. I do. I really, really hate that guy, but if it were me, I would be devastated to miss out on seeing my kids grow up. So I get that."

There was a long pause, as we both reflected on the unfortunate circumstances, and then Jake tried to break it with, "Speaking of which, where are my little M&Ms?"

I chuckled at his nickname for them. It got morphed from Lil'M to M&M after they were born twins, and it was only solidified when I chose their names. "M" was for Masen, but "M" was also for "EM"ma. Jake thought he was hysterical. He even bought them little onesies with red and green M&Ms all over them to drive the point home.

"They are out building a fort with their grandfather. I would call them in to talk with you, Jake, but honestly, they are both filthy, and I don't want them in the house until it's time for a bath. I was just contemplating grilling outside tonight so that they wouldn't have to come in the house."

Jake barked a laugh at that. "Jeez, Bells – you sound like such a mom."

I laughed right back, because, well, I did. "Yeah, yeah… It's true, though…"

"Alrighty, then, Bells, well, I'm gonna go, if you're not going to let me talk to my M&Ms."

"Wait, Jake," I rushed, before he could hang up. He knew what I wanted to know, and he clearly didn't want to talk about it. But I did.

"How is Charlie doing?" I asked.

Jake sighed. "He's ok, Bella. Not great, but hanging in there. He's finally given up harassing the school, and that poor friend of Sue's, for information. We were definitely right to get her to reimburse him before he discovered you were gone. I can only imagine how relentless he would have been if he suspected that you had ever set foot on that campus."

I sighed. After the twins were born, we decided to send some of the Cullen funds to Sue's friend at the school I was supposedly attending, and have her send it back to Charlie, with a note indicating that since I never showed up, she didn't feel right about keeping his tuition money. This was the first sign of my disappearance. Charlie had been on the warpath ever since. I felt terrible about it.

"Ugh," I replied. "I hate this, Jake."

He nodded solemnly. After a minute, he suggested, "Maybe you should ask Carlisle about the best way to handle this. I'm not sure if we're going about this right. I mean, I feel like we're giving him false hope. He's wearing himself out looking for you, and we both know that he'll never find you. It doesn't seem right, Bells."

I sighed. I didn't want to admit I needed help, but I understood what Jacob was saying. The whole time I had been pregnant, I had cried for Carlisle and Esme to help me, and now here they were, in my house. I should suck it up and ask for the help and advice I knew I needed. I just didn't want to appear weak.

"I'll think about it, Jake. You just keep an eye on him, and let me know if anything changes, ok?"

He nodded again. "Sure thing, Bells. Sure thing."

"And Billy and Sue – they are both ok?" I asked.

Jake chuckled. "Yeah, they are both good. It's funny – if I didn't know better, I would think that Sue had a thing for your Dad. She's always over there, Bells. Every time Billy needs her for anything, he always finds her at Charlie's house. It's pretty comical. She's with Charlie more than Billy is at this point," he said with another laugh.

I smiled at this. Sue had been around a good bit before Harry died, and I always detected a complicated relationship with Charlie lurked just below the surface. I wondered if they were dating now that Harry had passed. Hmmm… That was something to consider.

"Well, I hope you will give them my love, all of them. Oh, and Emily and Sam – everything ok with them?"

"Yeah, they are great. In fact, I have it on good authority that Emily is pregnant again. They aren't telling people yet, because well, you know… it hasn't ended happily for them yet, but she's got a good feeling about this one, so here's hoping!"

"Aww, that's great news, Jake! Please give them my love. She will make an excellent mom, I just know it!"

"Yeah, we're all really happy for them. Keep your fingers crossed."

"Will do, Jake. Take care, and call again when you can. You know me, I'm always around!"

"Yeah yeah… Will do. Love you Bells!"

"Love you too, Jake. "

And with that, I hung up.

My calls with Jake were a strange combination of heartwarming and heartbreaking. I missed home and I hated what I was putting poor Charlie through, but I was grateful every single day to have these amazing people in my corner.

* * *

><p>After we put the kids to bed, Esme and I sat on the couch facing each other.<p>

I had requested some time just with her. I had so much on my mind, and I really wanted her perspective. Carlisle had agreed that a little "girl time" was in order, and he had decided to go hunting.

"I overheard parts of your call today with Jacob, Bella," Esme offered as an introduction. "I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but you know…. Vampire hearing," she said with a shrug.

I chuckled. I did know.

"It's fine, Esme, really. It's probably a good place to start from, anyhow, isn't it?"

She nodded.

"I love talking to Jake, I really do. He's wonderful to me, and great with the kids, and I feel like I can never properly thank him for everything he's done, and all that he continues to do with Charlie. It's just…" I trailed off with a sigh.

"Sometimes it makes you sad, too?" Esme guessed.

My eyes moved to hers, and I found myself nodding.

"I'm not that same girl, and I know that. I do. But sometimes, when I talk to Jake, I simultaneously feel like I'm just little ol' Bella from Forks, Washington, and also like I'm 100 years removed from my life there. It's very confusing. I hate that my actions are causing my dad to hurt, even now. And I miss Jake. And Billy, and Sue, and Emily. I sometimes even feel a little nostalgic for Mike Newton," I added with a smirk. Seeing her confused expression, I realized that Esme didn't get that inside joke.

"Nevermind. He's a kid from school who had a crush on me. Very annoying. Drove Edward crazy."

Esme chuckled, and then her eyes got a sad, faraway look in them, which I had seen before and internally dubbed "the Edward look". She missed him. She was grief stricken over him. She was furious with him.

I knew the feeling.

"And then there is the whole thing about the Quileute, and how close I feel to them. I mean, I can't set foot on their lands, and my entire nature bristles whenever I'm around any of them, and yet, I can't help feeling like they are my family. Everything we went through together – it changes things. I feel very close to them now. Which is strange, because there is so much animosity between them and us, and it only accentuates my confusion over how I feel about you and your family, too. UGH! I'm a mess, Esme!"

"Which is why Jacob calls you, and not the other way around?" she asked, choosing not to comment on my confession.

I nodded. "Yes," I added softly. After a moment, I added, "I sometimes wonder – if he didn't call to check in, would I ever speak to him again? I'm so happy to hear from him, but I also dread hearing from him, because it's so confusing. You know?"

Esme sighed, and smiled gently at me. "I do understand what you're saying, Bella, but I'll admit I've never been in this exact situation." With a little chuckle, she added, "In fact, I don't think _anyone_ has been in this exact situation."

"You aren't human, and as such, it's natural to want to pull away from the human world. We interact with humans, but it's usually done at a distance. You are the obvious exception to that rule, my dear," she added fondly.

"Yeah, and look how that turned out," I replied bitterly, thoughtlessly.

I saw the hurt skirt across her face before I had even processed my words.

"Oh, Esme, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that," I said apologetically.

She offered me a sad smile. "It's fine. In some ways, it's very true. We didn't know what to do with you, Bella. You offered up something so tempting, a taste of humanity, of human love and relationships, which we had all missed and been in awe of. But I think that we weren't prepared for the complexities of human emotion and I'm quite certain that we didn't realize the permanence of our decision when we chose to bring you into our world. Either for you, or for us."

"I'm not sure I understand?" I asked.

"Even without the pregnancy, I think you would have been forever changed by your relationship with Edward, and with all of us. I think somewhere along the way, you began acting and feeling like a mate, and a coven member, in a way that was no longer simply human. Your response to our departure was too strong, too significant, to be a normal human reaction. And I don't think it had as much to do with your pregnancy as others might. I think you were already bound to us long before that happened," she offered thoughtfully.

I stared at her, listening intently.

"Likewise, Bella, when you came into our world, and we let you get to know is as an friend, a peer, an equal of sorts – we were forever changed. We began to acknowledge our human emotions more significantly. We began to focus on our human dreams and goals in a way we hadn't in the past. We were sampling our lost humanity through you, and I think that is why we all responded so terribly when Edward told us that you were afraid of us and wanted us to leave. Before you came along, it was expected that a human would be afraid of us. After you entered our world, and our hearts, it was heartbreaking to think that we could scare you away. We changed, too."

"Wow. That's a lot to consider," I offered somewhat lamely. I just didn't really know what to say.

Esme chuckled at me, and offered me one of her warm smiles that felt like a hug.

"Well, it's just a hypothesis, but I think it has merit. But," she said, taking a deep breath, "we got off track. We were talking about you and Jacob."

"Yeah, and how I love him, and I miss him, and how I feel forever bound to him and to the Quileute, but how I don't feel any pressing need to seek him out as such," I added.

"Right. Well, again. You are, in essence, a vampire. It goes against our very nature to consort with werewolves, Bella. I would find it nothing short of astonishing if you did find it comfortable to be around him for any length of time!"

I smiled at her. She had a way of making this all feel perfectly normal. Like there was nothing… weird… about the conversation we were sharing.

"But you aren't just a vampire, my dear girl, as you prove time and again. You brought your human emotions into this life as well, and they are still ruling your judgment and actions. Only time will tell if that will remain the case. However, it's those emotions that make you enjoy your time with Jake, feel concern for Charlie's wellbeing, and seek for a happy ending for Emily and her family. They are very admirable emotions, my sweet girl, and I think you should be very proud to care so deeply for the ones you love."

"Even when my instinct is trying to push them away?" I asked incredulously.

"Especially then. Just look at Carlisle. He is a very good, honorable man. They best man I know. But he's so reliant upon his instincts that his heart often suffers for it. You, my dear, have almost the opposite problem. I personally believe you are in a better place than he is, when it comes to juggling the two."

I smiled at her. "Maybe," was all I could offer. I had much to think about.

She smiled back. "I know it's a lot to consider. Take some time. I'm here when you are ready."

"Thank you, Esme," I said genuinely, and leaned forward across the sofa to give her a hug, which she returned warmly.

"While we are still on the subject of today's call, did you want to talk about Charlie?" she asked.

I found myself scooting across the sofa, away from her kindness.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about him yet. I hate hurting him, and I hate not knowing what to do about it, but I'll admit I'm not sure I'm ready to accept advice from you just yet. Saying it aloud makes me feel, and sound, like a petulant child, but it's the truth."

Esme sighed sadly. "I hate this distance between us, Bella. I'm trying very hard to be the kind of leader you can respect and link your allegiance to."

I stared at her for a moment. She looked like she was almost pleading. It reminded me of a little girl who just wanted everyone to play with her on the playground. It was sweet, if a little sad.

Finally, I let out a great sigh. "You know I'm not ready to promise that, Esme. Things are still being worked through with you and Carlisle. How am I supposed to deal with Alice and Jasper, or Rosalie and Emmett? Or, god forbid, Edward? I'm not prepared to embrace them, and you can't promise me that I won't have to under your leadership. Besides," I added softly, "I've never really been independent before. I find that I'm quite liking it."

Esme offered me a slow nod, and another sad smile. "I know. I see your point. I just… In my heart, you are ours, dear girl, just as we are yours. I hate to know that you see it otherwise. I hate this lack of faith between us, even as I know why it exists."

"I hate it too, Esme," I offered softly. "But broken trust is often like a broken heart. You can mend it only with time, and even then, it's never the same. We can't go back to where we were. You know that. We can only move forward."

She nodded. "Ok, I'll leave it for now. But I'm here when you're ready, and I hope someday you will be. Until then, I'm going to work every day to be the family head that you can be proud of – that everyone can be proud of. And I want you to know, I'm aspiring to follow in your footsteps. You are a beautiful mother, and a wonderful family leader. I'm very proud of you, my girl."

I felt myself getting choked up, as I thought about what she was saying. She emulated me, even as I was reflecting on how I hoped to be like her. All I really wanted in that moment was to curl up in her arms.

Would she let me do that?

"Thank you, Esme," I whispered.

After a beat, I found my courage, and asked, "Do you think that we could table the discussion about family leadership for a few minutes, and maybe, just for awhile, pretend it all never happened. Could I just, I don't know, curl up in your lap and spend a few minutes being mothered? I miss my mom – both my human mom, and my vampire one."

My voice broke on the word "vampire" but it was hard to hear it over the great sob Esme let out.

"Yes, baby girl. Yes. Come here," she said, softly, lovingly, extending her arms towards me. In a single move, I slid forward along the sofa, and my head came to rest in her lap, with my arms wrapped gently around her waist. Her gently hands began circling – one moving slowly around my back, and the other fingering wisps of hair around my face.

For a long time, we said nothing. She comforted me with her hands, and occasional kisses to the top of my head. I held onto her, and indulged in a few minutes of being exactly where I wanted to be.

"I love you, Esme," I whispered softly. "I really am glad you're here. Even when I don't act like it."

"I love you right back, my beautiful girl. And there is nowhere else I would rather be than right here. I know it's all so confusing, but we'll work through it all. Sometimes alone, sometimes together… We'll figure it out. We have an eternity to get it right, after all," she said softly, calmly.

I believed her.

Somehow, some way, we would get this right.

After a time, I pulled away, and curled up at the end of the sofa. I had needed a little cuddle desperately, and I felt my soul heal a little for her kindness to me.

"Bella," she began a little cautiously, "your conversation with Jacob reminded me of something that Carlisle had mentioned before we came here to see you."

"What's that?" I asked curiously.

"Well, he mentioned that you had videotaped the birth of the twins, and suggested we might watch that together. It seems like a rather personal thing to ask, but I wondered if you would ever like to do that?" She looked unsure, as though I might deny her.

I sighed, and tried to figure out the best way to respond.

"I would love for you to see it, as it was pretty remarkable that it all worked out," I began. "But you need to consider this, Esme. It's very emotional, and graphic. It will be hard to watch. My understanding is that Carlisle nearly punched out the library wall after he watched it. Are you sure you're ready for that?"

Her eyes widened as she took in my words. She took a moment to consider. Finally, she raised her head to make eye contact with me, and the look on her face was nothing but steel determination.

"I think I have to see it, Bella. It's obviously something very important to you, and to the vampire that you've become. I think it will help me understand you better, and besides… I wish I had been there. I wish I could have experienced it with you. I wish I could have supported you. You don't know how my heart broke when Carlisle told me you had struggled through a pregnancy without us there to help. No one should have to do that alone, regardless of the circumstances."

I sighed.

She didn't know what she was in for.

"Ok, Esme."

I retrieved the DVD from my bedroom, and placed it into the player. Before I pressed play, I felt I should offer her another warning.

"There are going to be hurtful things in here, Esme. I'm not sorry for saying them or feeling them, because they are the truth of that moment, but I am sorry for the hurt I know they will cause. I was alone, scared, and in pain much of my pregnancy. The threat of death loomed over me every day. I had no idea if my child would make it into the world alive. It was the most challenging thing I have ever done, and probably will ever do. I hope you will remember that."

She nodded.

We sat side by side on the sofa, my right hand clasped in her left. I pushed play.

It wasn't long before the horror began.

* * *

><p>Thank god that Carlisle returned when he did.<p>

Esme was a sobbing, hysterical mess when he walked through the door, and I was no better, really. We clung to each other, apologizing and grieving for different things, but ultimately trying to make sense of a senseless time.

After assessing the room and realizing what we had done in his absence, Carlisle offered me a warm hug, a gentle kiss on the forehead, and then swept up Esme in his arms, and took her out to hunt. She clung to him, still sobbing something to the effect of "we never should have left, I can't believe we left."

She had been quiet, except for the occasional sob, through the first part of the video. However, when we got to the part where I completely freaked out at the camera, demanding that Edward come help me with this pregnancy, and blaming him for everything under the sun, Esme started crying outright, and between her uncontrolled emotions, and my recollections from that day, I wasn't far behind her.

When it came time for the twins to be born, Esme actually buried her face in my chest, clinging to me in reassurance that I had somehow survived the ordeal displayed on the screen. She peeked through her fingers to watch the surgery, and I didn't miss her face break into a brilliant smile when Masen made his little debut into the world. Her teary smile only got wider when Emma joined him.

However, she was practically screaming at the television when I began coding, and was chanting to Jacob, Sue, and Emily to "get the venom in, get the venom in" as they worked. Her hands squeezed mine frantically, and if I hadn't actually lived through this experience, I would have found her reaction comical.

As it was, I couldn't decide if it was a good thing she hadn't been there, or not. She was a mess.

Reliving their birth was an emotional roller-coaster for me as well. At first, I was slightly embarrassed by my dramatics and how absolutely terrible I looked on screen. Pregnancy had not suited me.

However, as I watched it through Esme's eyes, I realized that I had really accomplished something pretty spectacular. Yes, I had a been an emotional mess, but I was ready for those babies, I was ready for being a vampire, and I had everything in place to begin my new world. For an 18-year old who had never really lived in the world, I had done a good job.

I found that I was pretty proud of myself.

I had done a good job preparing for this new life, and I was, so far, doing a pretty good job of living it too. It was one thing to convince everyone else that I was independent and didn't need their help. It was something else altogether to realize I believed it. I had proven it.

It some ways, the realization gave me the freedom to open myself up a little more.

I sat for some time, thinking about what this might mean for me. And my family.

While Carlisle and Esme hunted, I wandered into the kids' room and gave them both kisses as they slept.

They truly were little miracles. I had just seen the evidence of that once more displayed on that television screen.

I thought a lot about my chat with Esme today, and our mother/daughter moment on the couch. I realized with a start that even as I fought joining the Cullen family, I had never stopped thinking of Carlisle and Esme as my vampire parents. I looked to them as a child would to her parents: I respected them as such, and I loved them as such. I needed their approval, guidance, and love, even as I fought it.

I might not be ready to take their name yet, but I decided that it was time for me to face a reality that I had been avoiding.

I loved the Cullens. All of them. Even the ones I didn't want to speak with.

Perhaps it was time I used those human emotions that Esme prized so much, and started trying to find the resolution in all this.

For myself and my children.

For my vampire parents who just wanted their family reunited.

And for my eternity. Esme was right. We had all of eternity to fix our situation. But wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to spend all of eternity trying?

I wanted to travel. I wanted to experience new things. I wanted to give my children the world, and take some it for myself as well.

And as I stood hovering over Emma and Masen in the darkness of night, I realized: whenever I thought about my future adventures, I saw my vampire family right there with me.

I saw Esme and Rosalie helping me to make birthday cakes for the twins.

I saw Alice and me fighting over what was considered "sight-seeing" in Paris. For me, it would be art galleries and monuments. For her, it would be shopping.

I saw Emmett playing with the children on sandy beaches and through the forest, being scolded by myself and Rosalie even more than we would Emma and Masen.

I saw thoughtful conversations, chess games, and exploring the famous libraries of the world with Jasper and Carlisle.

And I saw Esme and myself sharing memories and the knowledge that can only be shared from one mother to the next. The knowledge of an indescribable, incredible love. A love you would do anything for, including forgive, if forgiveness was the path towards happiness.

And I saw, someday, long from now, when the children were adults and hidden from discovery, Carlisle taking me to Italy and showing me his history – his past, which had been so integral to our present.

I could see it all, and I realized I wanted it all.

I wanted it all, but I would make them earn it.

Because I would not have my heart broken again.

With my new resolve guiding me, I vowed to ask Esme to contact Alice and Jasper and invite them to join us. I was not ready to deal with Alice, but I knew I never would be. I just had to be brave, be strong, and know that I was worthy of the work they would have to put in to win me back.

* * *

><p>Esme and Carlisle arrived just before daybreak.<p>

Esme seemed to have a much better handle on her emotions, but her first words were, "I'm so sorry, and so proud of you," which were uttered as she held me in a tight embrace.

"Thank you," I responded softly, letting her warm words fill me. They meant so much.

I pulled back from her, and said calmly, "Watching that was eye-opening for me as well. I'm one tough little cookie," I said somewhat cheekily.

Carlisle and Esme grinned, and Carlisle offered a little chuckle. "That, my dear, has never been in dispute," he offered warmly.

I smiled back at him. Then I turned to Esme, who was tucked into Carlisle's side, and said, "I've decided that I'm tough enough to take on Alice and Jasper. When you are ready, I would be willing to invite them into my home."

Esme's mouth fell open, and Carlisle raised an eyebrow in surprise. After a moment, Esme's face moved into a wide grin, and she leaned forward to hug me again. Pulling back, she looked me over once more.

"You're certain this will be alright with you? I don't want to rush you, my dear," she asked.

I nodded. "I am certain. I was thinking about our talk earlier, and how we have all eternity to fix this. Well, quite frankly, I have other plans for my eternity – I don't want to spend it in a prolonged family battle. So I decided that since I'm confident in myself, and tough enough to handle anything that comes my way, we might as well face this all head on, and see if we can't deal with it, and move past it. I don't want to still be talking about this 50 years from now."

"Or one thousand," Carlisle offered wryly.

I giggled. I was still getting used to the concept of eternity. "Or one thousand. Thank you, Carlisle," I said sarcastically back to him. He winked at me, with a grin on his face.

"Great! Then I will give Alice a call, and invite them down. We'll try and work with them a bit, and then give Emmett a head's up. I don't know how regularly they are talking, so that will probably impact how long we have before we need to include them. Does that all sound alright, my dear?" Esme asked. Her mind was going a mile a minute – I could practically see the gears turning.

"Yes," I said with a chuckle, still feeling brave and even a little excited. "I know we can't keep it from Emmett for too long, and once he hears, I'm sure there will be no stopping him from coming here. I do understand what we're up against."

"Wonderful. We'll try to keep our family planning to the evenings, and if things are tense or you wish for us to take the discussion elsewhere, Carlisle and I found a little clearing not too far from here. We could go out there if we're crowding you or making you uncomfortable," Esme added.

I nodded, "Sounds good. I'm not sure how much of a problem it will be, but we can play it by ear. Thanks, Esme."

"Of course, my dear," she said happily, leaning forward to kiss me on the cheek. We each stood there for a minute, imagining the next few days. I heard Esme suck in her breath, and raised my eyes to see her expression.

I knew that look. I felt myself go rigid. She was about to ask about Edward.

"Bella, darling," she began softly, "at some point, we'll need to talk about Edward, and our strategy with him."

I nodded, saying nothing. After a long moment, I finally squeaked out, "I know. I'm not feeling quite brave enough for that just yet, though, Esme. Let's handle the others first."

She nodded, and the pulled away from Carlisle entirely to offer me a warm Esme hug. I accepted it gratefully. A moment pass, and then I felt Carlisle step up to us, and wrap his long arms around the two of us as well. I sighed in contentment.

"My brave girls," he said softly. "I admire you both so much. We will find our way through this, I am certain. And it will be easier now that we are working together."

I nodded, my head still resting on Esme's shoulder, and rubbing up against Carlisle's chest.

Here, with the two of them surrounding me, supporting me, I felt like anything was possible.

And I could only imagine that I wasn't the only one who wanted to kick a little Edward ass.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Since some have asked, I'm going to try to update weekly, posting on Sunday nights or Monday mornings, depending on my schedule. I've been trying out different days to see what works best for me, and Sunday is my best writing day. So that's the plan. I might sneak in one mid-week from time to time, depending on my work schedule. Consider those bonus days. <strong>


	24. Chapter 24  Dwelling in the Past Carlis

**Chapter 24 – Dwelling in the Past (Carlisle)**

I stood on the front porch with my beautiful wife wrapped snugly in my arms. While things were not perfect between us, every day brought new understanding, opportunities for growth, and healing. We were getting there.

Currently, she was preparing to leave to gather Alice and Jasper from the airport. We had decided that as the new head of family, it would only be prudent for her to greet them, and explain about our leadership exchange as best as possible. I knew they would have questions for me as well, but it was important to have Esme exert her authority right from the start.

While never one to back down from a challenge, my lovely wife was admittedly a bit apprehensive about breaking the news. Both of us were concerned primarily about Jasper's reaction. His strategic thinking and military background might very well balk at the idea of a female head of family, and beyond that, we were not entirely sure that any amount of coaxing would remove the layers of guilt and self-loathing that seemed to surround him.

However, we were determined to try. Because if there is one thing I had learned over the past few days, it was the power of kindness and understanding with respects to healing guilt and anger. Esme, Bella, and I were all better for our attempts to ease the hurt we caused one another, and find the goodness within.

A gentle clearing of the throat alerted me to a visitor on the landing. I pulled back from Esme, although I did keep her loosely within my arms, and turned to find a sheepish looking Bella facing us.

"Yes, my dear?" I asked with a chuckle. Our new, assertive Bella was not often in the habit of showing signs of uncertainty, and I found myself amused at her rather childlike expression now.

Her eyes glanced downward and away, as though trying to work out what she wanted to say. After a moment, they lifted to make contact first with me, then with Esme.

"While I'm sorry to have you leave us for any amount of time, Esme, I must say, I feel better knowing that Carlisle is staying behind. I don't feel nearly as anxious as I did during the last trip to the airport," she said with a grimace followed by a sheepish smile.

I gave her a sympathetic smile. She had certainly been a mess, that was for sure.

"Along those lines, I, uh, well, I thought I should probably return this," she said, reaching her hand out, and gently placing my wedding ring into my outstretched hand. While I hadn't wanted to push her for it, I admitted, if only to myself, that I was greatly relieved to have it back. "I'm sorry it took me so long – I kind of got used to feeling it there," she offered with a shrug.

"Not to worry, my dear," I said gently. "I had not forgotten you had it, and would have asked for it back at some point. I was hoping you'd be comfortable enough to give it back voluntarily. It tells me that you've developed some confidence that we'll remain around awhile."

She nodded, and then looked down again.

"I'm so glad to hear it, Bella," Esme offered softly.

I turned to Esme, and placed the ring into her hand. "Esme, my love, will you do me the honor of placing this back where it belongs?"

Her beaming smile was the only reply for a moment, as she took the ring, brought it to her face, and gave it a thorough inspection. She then brought it to her lips and offered a tiny kiss to the edge of the ring. Stepping away from my embrace just slightly, she grabbed my left hand with her right, and moved to slide the ring onto my finger with her other hand.

"Carlisle, my darling, will you accept this ring as an unending symbol of our love and devotion, now and for all eternity?" Her eyes blazed as they looked into mine, and I felt my own chest expand with love and pride as I gazed on my wife. It was a simple moment, a simple gesture, and yet in some ways, it felt like a much-needed moment of renewal.

"Esme, my only love, it would be my honor to wear this ring which ties me to you for all of our days, and I am filled with joy in knowing that you share this life, this commitment, this love with me." I replied quietly, sincerely.

Without any further ado, she slid my ring back into place. I took her hand then, and offered my own kiss to the ring that adorned her left hand. Bending down slightly, I kissed her again, this time on the mouth. It was a soft kiss, yet lingering and fierce, and it told of my burning and passionate love for her. I could feel her response down to my toes. We broke apart smiling, and our eyes danced with delight in our moment together.

We silently gazed at each other for another few seconds, before the gently throat clearing could be heard again from the sidelines. Bella had a wide grin on her face, combined with a look that told me that were she human, she would be blushing.

"Something else, my dear?" I said with a laugh.

She nodded. "Well, when you first came back, you were talking about missing your Cullen crest cufflinks, and I had forgotten at the time, but I thought that since I was returning things, I should probably give these back to you as well," she said sheepishly.

Her hand stretched out again, and into my palm fell my two silver cufflinks that had been the source of all of my ire just mere days ago. I found myself looking at her in astonishment.

"What? How did you happen to have these?" I asked in disbelief.

"Well, I saw them in your room when I first explored the house, and they broke my heart, Carlisle, because they reminded me so much of you. I couldn't imagine you leaving them, and figured you all must have been in a real hurry if you were leaving those behind. I didn't think much of it afterwards, but after the children were born, when I was preparing to leave, I did a final sweep of the house, and saw them still sitting there alone on your bedside table. I decided that they would make a good heirloom of sorts for the children – I could use one for each of them, and give them a token from their father's family. I was thinking about making a ring for Masen and a pendant for Emma out of them… Anyhow, that was my plan until you showed up, and I realized that perhaps you would like them back," she finished with a shrug.

I exhaled sharply at her words, and the sentiment behind them. Even as she was so heartbroken and angry with us, she was looking for ties, tangible evidence of our family. More than any of us, it would seem, Bella appreciated the value of our family.

I looked over the cufflinks, so small in my hand, and considered her words. How might I feel to see one dangling from a teenage Emma's neck, or shake the hand of Masen as a young man only to find a ring with my crest upon it? As I imagined it, I felt myself filling with pride.

Raising my eyes to Bella's, I said, "Please keep them, Bella. Your idea is a lovely one, and I would be just as proud to see Emma and Masen adorned with my crest as I am to see it upon Esme and the rest of my children. I hope one day you'll do me the honor of wearing it as well." I reached for her hand, and cupping her open palm, I placed the cufflinks back into it. I curled her fingers around them, and then gave her hand a little squeeze before letting go.

"Are you sure, Carlisle?" she asked with a whisper.

"Absolutely, my dear," I replied. "It's a beautiful thought."

She offered me a warm, soft smile, and then nodded. She didn't' comment on my remark about her rejoining the family, but she didn't dismiss it either.

"Thank you," she said instead. "I'll go put these away. Esme, please travel safely, and come home soon."

Esme moved from my arms, and offered Bella a warm embrace. "I'll be back before you know it, my dear girl," she said kindly. Bella nodded as she pulled away. Her eyes glanced in my direction as she moved to the door. Knowing immediately her concern, I offered, "I'll join you in a minute, Bella."

She gave me a small smile and went inside.

I turned to Esme, and asked, "Are you sure you are comfortable handling this alone?"

She nodded. "Yes, I am. I'll explain it as it is, and if they don't like it, we shall go from there. But there is no sense dragging it out or making it more complicated than it needs to be."

"Will you tell them that you are bringing them to Bella, or surprise them, as I surprised you?"

"I've spoken with Bella about this, and the plan is to hash out some of the family business first, and then tell them about Bella just before we pull in. Bella will join us outside, and we'll cover preliminary greetings. We both are concerned it may be difficult, so at some point, Bella will leave, taking the children with her to go hunting and possibly swim in the creek. I thought I would try to sort out some of the emotions that may be running rampant at that time, and also show them the video. I think it's much easier to appreciate Bella's perspective – her anger, her feelings of abandonment, and her unwillingness to sacrifice her autonomy – once you see all that she went through. I don't think Alice and Jasper will even being to understand until then. I know I couldn't."

I nodded. It seemed like a well-constructed approach. "Very well, love. Shall I assume you will direct me on where you want me when the time comes?" I was not sure of my role in all of this, and that made me feel rather uneasy.

She smiled at me, and raised her hand to my cheek, using her thumb to gently graze my hairline. "This is hard for you, Carlisle, isn't it? Letting go, I mean?"

I considered her question. "In some ways, yes, of course. I am used to being the planner, and often the executor of the plans. I think it's only natural that I would struggle with relinquishing control of that, especially with consequences so dire hanging in the balance."

She nodded, and her eyes showed only understanding and love, allowing me to continue. "I admit, however, that there is a part of me that is relieved, extraordinarily relieved, that you are handling this one, my love. I admit that I'm terrified of all that may happen, and I'm not sure I trust myself to know the right way to proceed."

She smiled again, and leaned forward to offer me a warm kiss. "I'm happy to help, and I'm certain that I will look to you for guidance as we move forward. Which means that I hope you will remain right by my side, unless it looks like Bella needs you for some reason. Then, by all means, I will want you to support her. Today is going to be hard for her, and it's an opportunity for us to show her our support. Let her see us fighting for her, understanding and respecting her. I think if we can stick together, and keep Bella's concerns in mind, we'll do well today, Carlisle."

I nodded, and leaned my head into her hand, which was still resting against the side of my head. "I will follow your lead, Esme."

She smiled. "Well, let's get to it, then!" And with another kiss, she stepped out of my arms, and moved to the car. In a flash, she was gone.

As I moved into the house, I was not surprised to see Bella leaning against the wall, watching our exchange from the window, with her arms wrapped around her midsection. Her face was anxious, and she nibbled at her bottom lip as she did so often when she was human. Understanding her concern, I moved to her side, and pulled her into my embrace. Her arms moved to wrap around me, and she clung to me for some minutes.

"She will return, Bella, and until then, I will be right here," I offered softly, leaning down to press a gentle kiss onto the top of her head.

Bella nodded. "I know, Carlisle. Well, my brain knows. The rest of me is a little less certain."

I gave her a little squeeze and suggested, "Give it time. It will take a little while, and we all understand."

"Okay, Carlisle," she said softly. She lingered in my arms another minute, and then stepped back.

Flipping her long hair behind her shoulders, I watched as she inwardly composed herself, and moved towards the sofa, where the twins were absorbing all things SpongeBob.

Painting on a brave face and a cheery voice, Bella addressed Emma and Masen. "Anyone want to go on the swings?"

"Svings! Svings!" Emma cheered hopping off of the sofa, and toddling towards her mother with outstretched arms. Bella scooped her up, and gave her a big kiss on the cheek. "And you, Mr. Masen?" she asked him.

"Papa coming?" he replied. I rounded the couch corner so he could see me, and the beaming smile I got when he saw me filled my soul to the brim. "Absolutely, buddy! Do you want to swing with me?"

He looked at me for a minute, offered me a small smirk, and nodded. "Me first!" he said, as he hopped up from the sofa and took my outstretched hand.

* * *

><p>Bella's nerves ebbed and flowed throughout the day, as did mine. After we put the kids down for their afternoon naps, she curled up on the sofa, and I joined her on the other end. I never understood how wrapping your body up tight like that was comfortable, but all of my girls had done it at one point or another, so I assumed it was. Still, I enjoyed having my legs extended.<p>

We talked about trivial nonsense, insights into the vegetarian vampire movement (such as it was) the world over, and the right age to let the children attempt to hunt on their own. We were both distracted by the passing traffic on the highway, waiting for sounds of the car that would turn down her gravel driveway and once again throw our family into chaos.

There were long bouts of silence, but they were not uncomfortable. Bella and I had reached common ground, I felt. It was after one such passage of time that she got a nervous expression on her face, and ended her silence.

"Carlisle, why do you think that Alice couldn't see me? She told you that she couldn't see my future, and I just can't help wonder why that might be?"

I sighed. I had wondered the same thing, time and again.

"I don't know, Bella. At first, I thought it might have something to do with your decision to separate from us, but of course, you never actually made that decision, did you?" She shook her head, a scowl finding its way onto her face.

"No, I most certainly did not."

I sighed, realizing it might be best to leave that alone and just continue moving forward. "After learning about your time away from us, I thought perhaps it had something to do with the Quileute – Alice can't pick up their futures at all. But that doesn't fit either, of course, because you've been here in Vancouver for at least a year, and Alice still hasn't seen anything that I know of."

She sighed, and nodded. "I wish I could understand it. I kept thinking that she could see me, see what I was going through, and still chose to leave me alone. It was so painful to think that, Carlisle," she said, pain lacing her words.

"I know, sweet girl, I know," I offered softly. "Pain is pain, even when felt unnecessarily. I would not want to diminish what you've suffered, but do try to remember that what you perceived as reality, at least in this case, is not the truth of it. Alice didn't know, dear girl."

She nodded.

"She still abandoned me, though. Without even a good-bye."

And it was hard to argue with that, because it was true. Another silence descended, although this one was less comfortable than before.

* * *

><p>The kids were still napping when the familiar crunching of gravel indicated that our visitors had arrived. Bella's eyes flew to mine, and we both shot up from the sofa. Her face was drawn in apprehension and nervousness, and her shoulders were rigid with tension. I suspected I mirrored her expression.<p>

I reached my hand out to her, and she grasped it anxiously. We made our way to the door, and before opening it, I turned and embraced her once again.

"Remember, dear girl, that you all loved each other once, and underneath it all, probably do still. I know you are angry and need to own those feelings, but try not to forget that only loving someone so deeply can result in anger and hurt like you are feeling. Try not to say something you will regret."

She nodded, taking deep breaths as her cheek pressed against my chest, but said nothing.

I pulled her back, and simply asked, "Ready?"

She shook her shoulders back, raised her head high, and her eyes took on an eerie coldness which I was only too familiar with. "Yes," she answered shortly.

We opened the door and caught our first glimpse of Alice and Jasper.

Physically, they looked much the same. As vampires, it was hard to make any adjustments in that way.

However, they were both utterly transformed in appearance, all the same.

Alice had lost her perpetual sunny attitude and buoyant presence, in favor of a somber demeanor and subdued expression. She stood stock still, which until this moment, I wasn't even sure she was capable of doing. Her attire was also noticeably different. In place of designer couture and bright and shimmery patterns, Alice arrived in simple jeans and a black long-sleeve tee-shirt. She was stunningly beautiful, of course, but little more than a shell of the girl I remembered.

Jasper was changed in his own way as well. His posture, always stiff and alert, assessing threats and fighting the lingering bloodlust, was hunched. He looked weathered – almost defeated. His shoulders sagged and his hands hung loosely at his side.

Their eyes were what bothered me most. While they were both still a reassuring amber tone, Alice's eyes conveyed anxiety and fear, and Jasper's conveyed guilt and shame. Both screamed of the same pain I remember seeing so clearly in Ithaca on those final days. I wanted to run to them and offer them relief, but I remembered Esme's words.

This was our time to show Bella that we understood, and that we would stand by her. Alice and Jasper each had things they needed to own up to, and Bella needed to be heard. Only after that could any healing begin.

I watched in silence as Bella gazed down on her lost siblings. I watched her face for any emotions, but she just appraised them from beside me on the porch, her eyes taking in every nuance. She could see, as I could, that the years had not been kind to them. She could see their suffering.

But looking at the lack of expression on her face, I could tell that while she might see it, she was focused inward. Her fury was building behind that stony exterior.

Silence reigned. Esme and I made eye contact, and I could see my concern reflected back in her eyes. Neither of us moved to intercede, however, as Bella processed the scene, and Alice and Jasper stood as though waiting for their execution.

Finally, after some time, Bella spoke, "Alice. Jasper."

Both of their eyes flew to her, and after making contact for a split second, the both flew back to the ground. Her coldness was startling and uncomfortable.

Silence lingered.

No one said anything. No one moved.

After some time, Bella seemed to make a decision, and took a deep breath.

"I understand from Esme and Carlisle that your family is going to attempt to rebuild, which it would appear is why you are here. I don't wish to hold up your progress. Esme found a lovely clearing where you can work out the details. Please let me know if you need anything, otherwise I'll leave you to it."

Bella turned, and moved back towards the door to head inside. I was so shocked by her statement that it took me a minute to react. I moved forward and grabbed her arm gently.

"Bella, I'm sure you're not leaving yet? There is much to say." I spoke gently, but firmly. I would not let her walk away from this, if I could help it.

Her eyes met mine, and I was faced again with the coldness that I had seen upon my arrival, and only minutes before as she prepared to come out.

"Is there? Because it would seem like there isn't. From what I can tell, they have nothing to offer, and I certainly don't owe them anything. Now please release me, Carlisle," she said, as she shrugged her arm, attempting to shake my grip.

I let her go, and turned to Alice and Jasper.

I shot them a pleading look, as Esme spoke, "Alice, Jasper. I know you have much to say to Bella. Won't you share your thoughts with her? I know this isn't easy, but it's very difficult for her as well."

Quietly, without looking up, Alice whispered, "I'm so sorry, Bella. We didn't know. We just didn't know." Her eyes peeked up to see Bella's response, and then widened as Bella rounded on her and moved in her direction.

Something in Alice's voice had lit the flame of fury in Bella, and the coldness in her eyes was gone, replaced with fire and passion.

"You didn't know. You didn't know! What kind of bullshit is that, Alice! You know EVERYTHING! You know what I'm having for breakfast before I do! You know when I need to pack extra shoes because I'm going to step in a puddle. You know when Edward and I are going to have a fight, and give me the tools to get through it. How could you POSSIBLY NOT KNOW?"

Bella circled her, screaming wildly. Alice stood, turning only to keep her eyes on the wild vampire before her. "I'm so sick of all these lies and excuses. You know things when it's easy and convenient for you, but when I actually need you to know something – oops! No, I didn't see that, Bella! So sorry! What is the good in having all these special bullshit talents if all they do is irritate the people around you! You use your talent to dress up human Bella and make her bend to your will, but when you can actually prevent something important, like, oh, I don't know – my boyfriend leaving me pregnant or my death – suddenly the gift just isn't there anymore!"

Bella continued her rant, stopping only take in another deep breath. "Edward uses his gift to peek into people's minds to benefit the family and track down things and people he wants, but when he can't see into my brain, he just makes shit up and assumes he knows what I'm thinking and feeling! What kind of bullshit is that? Is that honestly how you treat people you love?"

"And YOU –" Bella screamed, turning to Jasper, who looked like he would melt into the ground if he could – "you manipulate everyone's emotions into getting them to think and feel whatever you want, or the family wants, or whatever draws the least amount of attention to your precious secret, but when it's time for you to read my emotions on something that really matters, like, oh, I don't know, whether or not I'd like you all to up and abandon me in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye, well then, suddenly, the whole 'understanding-emotions' meter isn't working so hot. Or perhaps you couldn't be bothered to try!"

Jasper's eyes widened at her accusation, looked stunned, and then fell to the ground in despair.

Bella turned again, facing them both.

"And if that weren't enough, you all abandon Carlisle and Esme when they really need you and are trying so hard to keep the family together, and then you show up here, and don't even have the decency to try and explain yourselves or apologize or anything! I just don't get it! You were my best friend, Alice! My sister! Those were your words – you declared us sisters before I even knew you! Well, let me tell you something, Alice – sisters don't treat each other that way! Sisters are family, and family DOES NOT LEAVE! You aren't my sister! I don't even know you!"

With that last declaration, a great sob escaped Bella, and she turned moving back towards the house, towards the door. My eyes flew to Esme's and she gave me a small nod in Bella's direction. I moved in front of Bella, and pulled her into my arms. It would do no good for her to leave – but I could not let her stand alone and suffer, either. I held her close, and she clung to me, sobbing.

My eyes found Alice's, and with them I once again pleaded with her to say something. _Say anything, Alice!_

Finally, she did.

"Oh, Bella," she began, her voice trembling with emotion, "We are so sorry. So very sorry. We had no reason to think that Edward would lie – why would he? He had never lied to us before! I still don't understand what all happened out there, but I'm so sorry we believed him. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to go, Bella. I didn't want to go! You have to believe me – I saw the vision of us all in Ithaca, so I knew it would happen, but I didn't want to go! I love you, Bella, I do. As much as I've loved anyone!"

Bella made a disbelieving "Hhrrmp!" sound between her sobs, and I gave her a little squeeze. I leaned down and whispered, "I know it hurts, dear girl, but try to hear her out. She's trying to explain, and I know you want to understand. Please listen to her." I offered a small kiss on the top of her head to soothe my directive.

"I don't know how to believe you, Alice!" Bella cried aloud, after a minute. Her face was planted firmly against my chest, but her words were understandable. "You'll never know how much it hurt to know that you left me too! Edward left me, and you all left me too! You left me all alone, and I didn't know what to do! I needed you, Alice! _I needed you!"_

The sobs began again, and this time, I looked up to see that Alice had joined her in choking back her grief. Esme had moved to Alice's side, and Alice was clinging to her as she tried to explain. Jasper was now on his knees, pain pouring out from every inch of him.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Alice cried. "My vision showed us leaving, and I just did what it said I would do. I didn't like it, but I'm so used to just working around it. I should have disregarded it. I should have gone to you. I wish I had. I really wish I had. I missed you so much!"

Bella's sobs were turning into stuttering breaths as she replied, "I don't understand. Why didn't you see what happened? Why didn't you see the babies? The whole time I was struggling, all I could think was, '_why isn't Alice helping me?_' Did you really not see what was going on?"

"I don't know," Alice cried plaintively. "I've asked myself the same question a million times. How could I have not seen? How could I have missed it? I don't know, Bella! But I promise – I wasn't ignoring you! I just didn't know. I didn't see! Normally I see everything, and it's so confusing when I can't see!"

Bella's tears were subsiding, as Alice's grew. I could feel Alice's panic over not being able to use her gift, and I didn't think that Bella understood how paralyzing that must feel. Honestly, I wasn't sure I could understand either, truth be told.

Just as I was thinking it, Esme's soft voice piped in. "Alice, sweetie, calm down. That's right," she said, running her hand up and down Alice's back as she clung to her. "It must be pretty scary to be so dependent upon your gift and then have it fail at a time when you really need it," Esme soothed, trying to gently make the point so that Bella would hear it.

Alice nodded against Esme's shoulder, quiet sobs still wracking her tiny body. "It is! Everyone counts on me to know everything, and sometimes, I really like that, but I feel so responsible when I get it wrong, or when I don't see. It lets everyone down, and I hate that! But sometimes, I just can't control it. I can't make it see everything. Sometimes, it just won't! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Bella slowly pulled herself together, her sobs transitioning to deep breaths against my chest, as Alice tried to do the same over in Esme's arms. Eventually, Bella pulled back from me, and whispered a soft, "thank you, Carlisle" without making eye contact. She turned and faced Alice.

"You still shouldn't have left. You should have come directly to me."

Alice nodded from the safety of Esme's embrace. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she replied in a whisper.

Bella sighed, closing her eyes and processing. After a moment, she opened them, and addressed Alice again, her voice cold and distant. "I'm having trouble accepting your apology, Alice. I'm going to need some time. You've never had much patience before, but I suggest you acquire some now, as I won't be rushed. Understood?"

Alice nodded through a small sob. Bella nodded once, and then turned to Jasper.

His eyes widened as her gaze fell on him. "Bella," he began in a pleading tone. She held up a hand to stop him.

"Jasper, stop. I owe you an apology. I'm frustrated and angry and hurt, but I should not have taken that out on you. As far as I'm concerned, you and I are fine. I have no hard feelings towards you, Jasper, and while I've missed you, I certainly don't hold you responsible for any of this. Please forgive me for shouting at you."

Jasper and Alice stood there, staring at Bella with their mouths hanging wide. I found that I could not resist a small chuckle at their expressions.

Finally, Jasper broke the silence. "Um, well, sure, darlin', I'm not upset about your lettin' off some steam – lord knows you've earned that right. But I don't quite understand how you hold me blameless in all of this. I mean, the way I see it, twas me that started this whole ruckas in the first place, going at you like I did. I'm so sorry about that Bella, truly. I still can't believe I snapped that way."

Jasper hung his head in shame after that. Bella looked at him for a minute, and to the side, Alice let out a little sob, no doubt in response to the pain her partner was in. Slowly, Bella moved towards him, and when she was in range, she lifted her hand and rested it gently on Jasper's shoulder.

"Jasper," she said softly, "you listen to me. This is not your fault. I've already told Carlisle and Esme this, but I think you should hear it from me directly. Of everyone in the entire family, I hold you least responsible. Do you know why?"

Jasper's eyes found hers then, confusion written all over them, with just a trace of hope lying underneath. It was slight, but I could see it and feel it from where I was.

"No, darlin', I certainly cannot imagine why you would feel that way," he said in wonder.

"Jasper, for months, Edward pushed me away, and Alice overwhelmed me, and Emmett toyed with me. You and Rosalie kept your distance, and at first, I'll admit, my feelings were rather bruised. After the truth of who you are and what you all are came out, and the family embraced me, I really struggled with feelings of acceptance, of inclusion, of being wanted. It seemed people liked me, apart from Rosalie, I guess, but it was so confusing to have people like me, but be reluctant to want me to join the family forever. It was hurtful to see Edward fighting me day after day and having no one really come to my defense. But as I watched this all play out, and tried to figure out where I stood, one thing became exceptionally clear to me: you were fighting for me, even when no one else was."

Jasper looked at Bella, shocked. "I was?"

She smiled, and I felt myself chuckle. Bella's eyes moved in my direction to acknowledge my ill-timed outburst, before moving back to Jasper. "Yes, you were. Every day, you fought for me. It was so hard for you, wasn't it, being around me. Your bloodlust was almost unbearable, wasn't it?"

Jasper nodded, remorse filling his features.

"I thought so," she said quietly. "And yet, even as hard as it was, you fought to resist. You struggled every day because you knew how much I meant to the family, and how much they meant to me. You fought your base need, your instinct, and probably even your own better judgment, because it was important to the family that I be included. You spent every day fighting for me Jasper. I will never forget it, and I will always be grateful. I hope now that I'm not such a temptation to you, we can become friends in earnest."

Jasper was staring at her, hard. He considered her words for some time. Bella stood patiently before him, watching him take in her words.

"You are not angry that I attacked you? Tried to kill you? Set into motion the events that would lead to all this heartache and despair?" Jasper asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not. I consider Edward's reaction to your slip in judgment to be the launching point for where we find ourselves now. Edward freaked out. Edward lied to all of us. Edward insisted on separating us from each other. Jasper, you had a moment of weakness that was the result of my accident. Do you blame me for cutting my finger?"

He looked at her like she was crazy. "Of course not. You can't help that you are so clumsy! Besides, a paper cut shouldn't be a big deal!"

She nodded. "That's right. Just like you can't help that you are drawn to blood. And drinking from a living breathing thing, by normal vampire rules, should also not be a big thing."

"Bella," he whined, "I don't think the two are comparable."

She turned to me then, and directed her next question my way. "Carlisle, do you remember our conversation that night as you stitched me up?"

I nodded. Of course I remembered.

"Was I upset? Was I pointing blame?"

I shook my head. "No, Bella. You were very calm, and showed only concern for Jasper's emotional welfare, and Edward's. You knew they both would take it very badly."

She turned back to Jasper. "It's never been an issue of blame with you, Jasper. Carlisle and Esme have told me that you feel guilt and shame over that night, but I would implore you to let it go. You are hurting yourself, Alice, and everyone else around you unnecessarily. It was not your fault."

Jasper shook his head. "Bella, it's not that simple."

Bella reached out for his hand, and when he supplied it, she pulled him up, and moved to embrace him. Her small arms wrapped around his waist, and she tucked her head beneath his chin as she had done with me many times in the past few days. Hesitantly, Jasper's arms found their way around her shoulders in response. "It is that simple, Jasper. It's simply not your fault," Bella spoke quietly into his embrace.

They stood still for many minutes, and slowly I could see the tension and grief melt away from Jasper. She was healing him with her touch and her love. After a few minutes, she broke the silence when she whispered, "It's so nice to finally be able to hug you, brother."

I loud sob ripped from Alice's chest, as she watched her sister and husband finally come together. I knew she was happy for them both, even as she was distraught that her reunion with Bella had not gone as smoothly. Jasper gave Bella a tight squeeze, and I found myself gasping as the most breathtaking smile overtook his face.

For the first time in many years, Jasper was projecting joy. I could feel it filling him up, and it in turn, shooting my way. I felt myself laugh with abandon, and saw the Esme and Alice both had wide grins on their faces as well. Jasper gave a startled laugh, and pulled back to look at Bella, and all of us.

"Thank you, Bella! I can't tell you how great it feels to be relieved of this burden. I have wanted to get close to you as the others have – I've seen every day how wonderful you are, and I'm fixin' to spend some time makin' sure that we have some tight bonds between us, too! I can't tell you what it means to me to have your love and forgiveness."

Bella beamed, as did Esme, Alice, and myself. Esme giggled, and said, "I don't think you need to tell her, Jasper. We can all feel it from here!"

I laughed, as did Alice and Jasper. Bella gave us a puzzled look, before her eyes widened in shock.

"Wait – you are projecting out? Now?" she demanded to Jasper.

He looked at her like she was insane, and nodded. ""Of course, darlin'! Can't you feel the good vibes coming your way?"

She looked at him for a long minute, and then whispered, "Actually, no. I can't. I can't feel them at all!"

Her eyes found mine, and I realized in a flash that whatever prevented Alice from seeing her future must also be effecting how Jasper's emotions got to her.

"Carlisle," she said breathlessly, "what is going on? First, Alice can't see me, and now Jasper can't break through either… what is happening?"

I studied her for a second and thought through everything we knew. Everything that had changed. With a flash, it came to me!

"Bella," I declared with a shout, "I think I have it. I think it must have something to do with your shield!"

Her eyes widened, as she took in my words. Then a wide grin came over her face, and she giggled as she said, "You mean to tell me that my vampire talent trumps Alice's and Jasper's? That is AWESOME."

I laughed at the little girl still lurking within her.

"So it would seem. And if your human life is any indication, it would also be impervious to Edward's skills, too."

A wide smile crossed her face. "Oooh, I'm going to have fun with this!"

There was another round of giggling, everyone still buoyed by Jasper's joy. Esme gave Alice a squeeze, and then released to her go give Bella a hug, which she gladly accepted.

Stepping back, Esme addressed the group. "I know the Jasper and Alice have questions for us, Carlisle, and with your permission, Bella, I think they probably need to see the video you left for us, but I wondered if before we did all that, if we might wait for the children to wake up so they can meet their Aunt and Uncle?"

Esme's eyes were wide with delight. Alice and Jasper nodded in anticipation. My eyes moved to Bella, and I realized it wasn't going to be that easy.

With a frown, Bella replied, "Just a minute, Esme. I don't think we're ready for that yet."

Startled by Bella abrupt shift in mood, Esme cautiously asked, "Oh? What would you propose, dear?"

Bella trained a cool stare on Alice and Jasper, and said firmly, "I believe we need to go over the rules before anyone meets my children. I've not changed my opinion on anything previously stated. Before anyone meets my children, we need to agree on the guidelines. That is true for grandparents, brothers, and even _dear sisters_," Bella stated with a slightly sarcastic emphasis on her 'dear sister'.

I stifled an internal groan as I realized we still had a long way to go.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I have some shout-outs, news, and an apology to offer all of you.<strong>

**1). I'd like to offer a shout-out to DerFlash for being the 300th review. Thank you so much for reading. And many thanks to everyone else out there, too!**

**2). I'd like to thank Camilla10 for nominating My Forever Family for The Wordsmith Awards under the category of Best Bella. You have been my champion all along, and I thank you kindly. Voting begins May 17th – May 26th at www (dot) wordsmithawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**

**3). I'd like to thank BridieMar for her gentle (and not so gentle) reminder that I need to keep up with my story, as I requested in my profile. I love that you are holding me to my word, and that you care enough to harass me about it. Thank you!**

**4). That brings me to the last thing I wanted to say, which is that I'm so sorry for my 2.5 week absence from FF. I really am. I've missed writing, and I've missed hearing from all of you!**

**As some of you may know, I'm running a really cool fundraiser where we are auctioning off custom playhouses with the proceeds benefiting a local housing nonprofit. It's been awesome, but crazy time consuming. It runs for the entire month of May, but the installation of the playhouses has been over the last couple of weeks, and I've honestly been working 16-hour days. I just didn't have any time or energy to write when I got home, and I didn't want to submit crap just to post something, you know? If you want to learn more, you can go to www (dot) rebuilding-hope (dot) org. There is also an opportunity to make a donation in support of buying one of the playhouses for the grounds of Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, which is where injured veterans are treated when they return from overseas. They have a playground for the families of these veterans and we hope to give them a playhouse for their grounds. You can make a donation on that website in support of this amazing cause if you wish.**

**Is it tacky that I apologize and then ask you to donate to my organization? Probably. So let me say: sorry for being tacky! :)**


	25. Chapter 25  Finding Patience Bella

**Finding Patience – Bella**

Carlisle and Esme went inside to check on the children, and leave us to get reacquainted.

So I started to go over the rules.

Again.

Every time I had to go through my list of expectations and demands on how my supposed family needed to treat me and my children, I found myself getting worked up all over again. It should be understood, these things I was expecting, and yet each time I laid out the rules, I got incredulous looks, questions, and so much push back it made me wonder all over again how I ever put up with this back in Forks.

"Rule #1 – No private conversations or decisions being made or considered that impact the wellbeing of myself, or my children, including," I said with emphasis as I stared Alice down, "keeping visions from me, lying about visions, trying to force me to do something because of a vision that you haven't revealed, or anything else that in any way takes the decision-making out of my hands. This is _my_ life, and those babies in there are _my_ children, and I will be making _all _decisions about their future. Do you understand?"

Jasper nodded. Alice scowled.

"Alice?" I pushed. I needed her to comply, as this rule was made especially for her and Edward.

She answered me with a huff. "You act like we are out to get you, Bella. I never had anything but your best interests at heart," she replied petulantly.

Apparently, Alice was very sorry about Edward's treatment of me, but less concerned about her own. That simply wouldn't do!

I felt my rage bloom as I stalked towards her. "If that were true, Alice, you would have consulted me every time there was information that I needed to know. My best interests are for me to be an active participant in my life! My best interests are to be treated like the intelligent, competent person that I am!"

She nodded, but wasn't backing down. "I know you think that, Bella, but there is so much that you don't know – even still! So much that you can't possibly appreciate! And before, well… before you were just so fragile!"

I started to interrupt her, but she held out her hand, halting me, and continuing in her rapid speech.

"I mean, I know that when you are 18, you feel like a grown-up, and technically, I guess you are, but Bella, you have barely even begun! You've been on this earth 18 years – we just have so much more experience than you! And besides, so much of what I see is gruesome and painful and scary – my interpreting visions and making small corrections in behavior avoids so much hurt and pain – you simply have no idea!"

I almost couldn't breathe through my fury. I moved so that I was standing toe to toe with Alice, and even though he couldn't feel my emotions, Jasper sensed my anger, and took a step towards Alice in protection. She, however, was cluelessly watching me with a self- satisfied look on her face, smug in all the things she thought I couldn't understand.

"OH, REALLY, Alice?" I declared, my tone cold and strong as I stared her down.

"Do you have ANY IDEA what I've been through in the past couple of years? No, of course not, as your perfect visions aren't actually so perfect, are they? Let me ask you this, Alice – in all your years of experience," I threw out, with sarcasm dripping from my words, "have you ever had your mate tell you he doesn't love you and walk away without any explanation – any word of where he was going or when you'd see him again – if you'd see him again?"

Alice shot a look at Jasper. "No, but we've been separated, and while it wasn't good, we got through it."

"Separated?" My tone was rising, as her blasé attitude towards my pain began to get under my skin.

"I wasn't separated from Edward, Alice. He walked me into the woods, told me he didn't love me, told me I wasn't good enough for him, and told me that he was moving on to other distractions. He told me, and I quote, 'it will be like I never existed.' Can you imagine Jasper saying anything like that to you? Can you imagine him turning, walking away, and then skipping town with his family, with no cell phone, no email, and no forwarding address? Can you honestly tell me that you understand what that feels like? What that does to your self-esteem? How that makes you feel like the family pet that the Cullens enjoyed while they were in town, but who got sent back to the pound when they'd had enough? Can you really relate to that, Alice?"

"He didn't really say it like that. You're exaggerating!" She declared, eyes narrowing at me in disbelief.

"Alice," Jasper began, placing a hand on her shoulder with a scolding tone. He was trying to stop her, but it was too late.

"You know what, Alice? Forget it. Go home. Go back to Mississippi or wherever the hell you have been hiding. I don't need to justify myself to you or anyone else, and I'm done trying to make you understand. You don't respect me. You don't love me. You are no sister to me. And as such, you are not welcomed here. We are done!"

I turned my back to her, and moved towards the door. I was absolutely done.

"Bella," Jasper said quietly, "please don't go. Don't do this."

I rounded on him, furious. "Do this? Me! I'm not the one standing here, accusing my _sister_," I nearly bit the word out, "of lying, while being completely unwilling to treat her with a modicum of respect. I am not the one 'doing' anything, Jasper!"

He sighed. "Please understand, Bella. We heard something entirely different from Edward. We're trying to make sense of it all, and meanwhile, our family is in upheaval and we are dealing with guilt and frustration and just want to make things right and move on. I don't think Alice was trying to be disrespectful – I think it's just a lot to take in."

I looked at him for a long time without saying anything, my anger building. Alice watched us silently. Jasper gazed back at me, with an expression of patience mixed with concern on his face. I knew in their own warped and twisted way, they thought they understood and that it wasn't a big deal.

Well, it was a big deal to me.

"You know what's a lot to take in Jasper? Being abandoned by your mate. Being left without a word by your family. Having your self- esteem crushed into oblivion by the one person you never really felt good enough for, thus proving your low worth. Realizing that your pain is causing pain to your father and friends, and is impacting their lives. Learning that you are _pregnant_ with a _vampire baby_ and having absolutely no one to talk to about it, except of course, the friendly pack of werewolves that are split between killing you to prevent the birth of their nemesis offspring, and trying to help you by delivering your child through some medieval caesarean section."

I stopped to take a breath, not because I needed it, but for emphasis. Jasper's eyes were still fixated on mine, but I could tell he was really listening, perhaps even absorbing what I was saying. Alice's eyes were wide and nearly popping out of her head, but I still wondered if she really processed the complexity of what I've been through.

"It's also a lot to deal with when your body is growing with the vampire child at an abnormal rate, so you have to lie, leave home, and hurt those same friends and family all over again, only to live in the home of the very people who abandoned you, simply because you have no other choice. It's a lot to walk those halls, surrounded in memories of happier times, and plan for a child that you can in no way plan for. It's a lot to feel kicks come from within that are strong enough to crack your ribs, and leave bruises on your skin. It's a lot to have to figure out how to survive, knowing that if you don't, your werewolf friends will probably have no choice but to kill your vampire offspring. It's a lot to make the decision to change into a vampire, knowing that you will spend that eternity without your mate, and utterly alone, apart from your children."

"It's a lot to plan your own autobiography so that you will have memories of your human life, and arrange the circumstances of your change, and to then be conscious and in agonizing pain, as you undergo the most atypical birth ever. I watched my best friend _slice_ into my belly in the form of a giant werewolf, and then use his big hands to pull open my insides so that the babies could be retrieved. I felt myself nearly bleed to death, and what's more – _I remember it!_ I changed all alone, with no one there when I woke up, and with no guide as I learned to hunt and avoid humans, and make my way as a parent and a vampire. I have been raising two children on my own, while working, without any support, _and you want to talk to me about what is a lot for you to take in?_"

"Fuck you, Jasper! You can head out with Alice. I don't owe you anything, and I've already given you more than you deserve by way of an explanation. If you don't want me to completely lose my cool, you will walk away right now!"

I was livid, and I could actually feel my shield fluttering against the side of my mind. It seemed almost anxious to reach out and help me end them.

Jasper pulled Alice away from me with the hand still on her shoulder. With eyes still fixed on mine, they both took several steps back from where I was, still fuming and trying to control my anger.

"Bella," Jasper beseeched, trying again to make amends.

I was too angry.

"Get out of here, Jasper. For your own good. Take Alice with you. I'll send Carlisle or Esme along after you. If you press me right now, I cannot promise I won't hurt you. And as much as I might want to tear your limbs off, I'd like to have nothing to regret. I certainly wouldn't want to carry the guilt of knowing I hurt my own family around on my shoulders. I bet it's a pretty heavy load to bear." I said pointedly.

Jasper nodded, and tugging at Alice's arm, moved towards the side of the property until he felt safe enough to turn and run. Once they were out of sight, I let my shield release, and a tree on the far edge of the driveway met with a great boom, and then toppled into the yard.

I felt better. Marginally.

* * *

><p>I stayed outside until I had calmed down a bit, and then wandered in to ask Esme about going to speak with Jasper and Alice.<p>

They were, after all, her family, and as the leader of that family, her responsibility.

With a sad smile, and a brief but heartfelt hug, Esme obliged, taking a laptop with the birth video in it with her. I think she thought that they needed to see first-hand what I had been through.

Carlisle watched me with his compassionate eyes, and when the door shut behind Esme, he moved over to me, and wrapped me in his embrace, sensing that I was about to have a meltdown.

He wasn't wrong.

My anger morphed into a sadness and despair that felt very much like physical pain. Though I could not literally, cry, the sobs wracked my body, as I clung to him and he attempted to hold me together. His strong arms and soft whispers and consolation were my life raft, as I rode out my first attempt at reasoning with the very unreasonable Alice.

Knowing it would not be long before the children awoke and I had to plaster on a smile, I tried to pull it together, and found that Carlisle was quickly becoming the balm to my heartache. In mere minutes, I found myself pulling away, with a small but grateful smile.

He smiled warmly back at me, and I felt a little flare of the dazzling that both he and Edward were so good at. It had been a long time since I'd allowed myself to be dazzled. I must have stared a beat too long, because he got a wide grin on his face, and he let out a chuckle as he asked, "I got you, didn't I?"

Knowing that he was teasing me made me laugh away my embarrassment , and it felt so good to release some of the anger and tension with that little bout of silliness. "Jerk," was all I replied, as I swatted his chest playfully with the back of my hand, and moved to sit on the sofa.

He joined me on the other end, watching to see if I wanted to talk.

I didn't. Not really.

After a moment or two of silence, he gently asked, "Will you try again with them?"

I sighed.

It was such a loaded question. They didn't deserve it, and yet… you love who you love. And I loved Alice and Jasper, even as I loathed them. Seeing them had confirmed that.

I nodded with another sigh. "Yes, but only on my terms. I won't back down, Carlisle. I'm not the fragile family pet that they remember, and I'm certainly not naïve or sheltered in the ways of the world. I know how brave I am, and feel like I can face anything – except the hurt that this family brings on me. The truth I can face. The Volturi I can face. What I cannot face is having my heart treated like an insignificant footnote on their eternity. Until I'm respected as an equal, they are not going to be a part of this new life. I won't have it."

"Fair enough," he said with a gentle smile.

And that was all we spoke about that.

* * *

><p>It was three days before we would try again.<p>

Esme gave them both a pretty good tongue-lashing, followed by a viewing of my DVD. After that, it was apparently rather chaotic over in the clearing where they were hashing things out.

Jasper had been overwhelmed by both the video, and both Alice and Esme's response to it. Guilt, anger, a renewed sense of betrayal by Edward, and lots of angst had been stirred up, and when Jasper is around, apparently it can take some time for emotions like that to calm down.

Which was good, actually, because it gave me some time to think things through as well.

The shock of seeing them had worn off, and I was more determined than ever to prove my independence and expectations when we met next.

Even if we only made it to the second rule before another fight broke out.

Which was possible.

So with Carlisle minding the children, I made my way out to the clearing, where Esme had agreed to moderate another attempt at reconciliation.

Stepping into the clearing, I found Alice and Jasper sitting on a log, while Esme moved to greet me. Alice and Jasper stayed seated, and Jasper's arm tightened around Alice's shoulders. Her eyes had not left the ground.

"Thank you, Bella, sweetie, for coming out here. We are all so pleased you've agreed to open up the line of communication again," Esme began, as she offered me a warm hug.

I had missed her hugs.

"Nice to see you, Esme," I replied, nodding in response to her greeting. Breaking away from her, I glanced at the quiet couple on the log, and offered, "Alice. Jasper."

It was as much of a greeting as I was prepared to give.

"Hey darlin'," Jasper replied quietly, making eye contact from the corner of his eye, even as he was fixated on watching Alice. After a pause, during which it was clear to everyone that Alice was supposed to say something, Jasper gave her shoulders another squeeze, and she whispered, "Hi, Bella," as her eyes darted up briefly, never making contact, before finding the forest floor again.

I sighed. Glancing at Esme, I moved over in their direction. I didn't want to sit with them – I liked lording over them. I gave her another glance, indicating that she might need to start us out.

With a small sigh, Esme stated, "So, I believe that when you last spoke, Bella was explaining her rules for engaging with her and her family. Does that sound right?"

I nodded.

Jasper nodded.

Alice's eyes moved up from the ground, glanced at me, and then swung to Esme. In a very soft, but strong voice, she asked, "Her family?"

Esme offered me a sad smile, and then addressed Alice in response. "We never offered Bella a place in our family prior to our departure, and she has had nearly two years alone to make her own family, both biologically and emotionally. As of right now, Bella considers herself to be the head of her own family, just as I am the head of ours."

Alice's eyes shot to mine at that news. "What? But you know you are one of us! Of course you are!"

My voice was cold and emotionless as I responded.

"How would I know that? Because you told me? Invited me to join you, either as a human or a vampire? Because you kept me in the loop for all family decisions? Because you took me with you when you left? Because you helped me when I was in trouble? Because I always knew how to reach you? Because I always knew you loved me?"

I shook my head and crossed my arms across my chest.

"No Alice, I have never felt like part of your family. You all love each other. Respect each other. Embrace each other's differences. Protect and care for each other. Communicate with each other. I was never involved in any of that. No, I have my own family. My human family with Charlie, and my vampire family with my twins."

Her face bubbled up, looking like she wanted to argue with what I was saying, but wisely, she chose to hold her thoughts, and instead slumped back into Jasper's embrace.

Esme cleared her throat. "So, Rule #1 – no manipulating Bella, or the truth, with visions, withholding visions, internal communication with Edward or Jasper, or practicing any deceit which in any way diminishes her control on her life or the lives of her children. Is that right, Bella?"

I nodded. "In a nutshell."

Esme turned to Alice and Jasper. "I understand how this rule might have shocked you, because it seems specifically directed at you both, and to some degree it is. Although I believe that Edward played a huge role in the necessity of making this rule, and as a family, none of us operated with full disclosure in the past. So while it's perhaps the most important rule for you two, it's not expressly about you, Alice and Jasper. Correct, Bella?"

Esme turned slightly in my direction, although her eyes were still on Alice and Jasper.

I nodded again. I couldn't help adding, "I did have you specifically in mind, Alice, when I designed the rule, but it applies equally to all. And I'm sure that Edward might have an even stronger reaction than you, should he ever had the opportunity to discuss it with me."

Esme gave me a small frown, and I understood – I was not making her job easy.

Too bad, Esme.

She sighed, and began again. "We've discussed Bella's reasoning for needing and deserving control over her own destiny at length, and you've now had an opportunity to see first-hand how much adversity Bella has overcome, and how quickly she has been forced to grow up, and I think we are in agreement that regardless of whether or not past decisions were justified, the Bella before us now does not need the same coddling. Is that correct, Alice? Jasper?"

I stared them down.

Jasper nodded. Raising his head to make eye contact with me, he offered quietly, "I agree to Rule #1, Bella. Without going into the past, I must say that I underestimated all that you've had to face, and am very impressed with how well you've done. I'm sorry for making you feel otherwise."

I held his gaze for a long minute, and then nodded once. "Thank you, Jasper. I appreciate that."

Moving my eyes over to Alice, I waited.

I waited for an acceptance that she was clearly struggling to give me.

Without raising her eyes, she quietly commented, "I can't believe all that you've had to do, Bella, and I'm so sorry that I didn't see it, and couldn't help. I hate that we weren't there for you. Really – I would have loved to have been there for everything, and I'm so sorry that I wasn't. I should have gone back for you. I should never have left. I just… I'm really sorry for all the hurt that we've caused."

I nodded, but pushed her. "Thank you, Alice," I said impassively, thinking about how she was singing a different tune only days ago. "I appreciate your recognition that my pain and suffering warrant your concern, and have made me into the woman I am now. But that's not what this discussion is about. This discussion is about Rule #1 – leaving me out of decision-making that I have every right to be at the forefront of. Can you abide by Rule #1?"

Alice shrugged. She shrugged!

"Alice," I said with a low growl. I felt my frustration mounting.

"I do not want to turn you away, but if you cannot compromise on my ability to make my own decisions – to lead my own life – then that leaves us nowhere! Why can't you grant me the independence that I seek after _forcing _it upon me years ago when I could have really used your insight! Are you _trying_ to hurt me?"

Her eyes flew to mine at my last declaration, and she exclaimed, "No, of course not! I want to help you! Protect you! Keep you safe! That's all I've ever wanted! I love you, Bella!"

"If you love me, then you will respect my wishes!" I fired back. "You don't bully the ones you love, Alice!"

"It's my job, Bella," she cried, almost pleading with me, "my role in this family is to use my visions to help protect us, keep our secret, plan our future. It's what I do! I don't know how to do anything else! And I don't honestly know if I can stop it just because you don't like it!"

"I get that, Alice, and you do your job very well. But here's the thing – I'm not _in_ your family, and I'm not asking you to prevent visions. I'm asking you to _share_ the visions that are about me or my kids with me, instead of hiding or manipulating things. I don't see any reason why you can't do that! Especially since you're not currently having visions of me anyhow!"

Alice sagged back into Jasper's arms. With a shaky breath, she stared at me, and then whispered, "Fine."

I stared right back at her.

I had secured her agreement, which is what I wanted, but it didn't feel right. And it didn't feel real.

I turned to Esme, who was watching in concern from the sidelines. Addressing her, but waiving an arm in Alice's direction, I asked vehemently, "What am I missing here? Why is this so hard?"

Esme moved over to the log, and gently sat by Alice, putting a hand on Alice's arm. Alice's eyes closed in response, and Esme leaned forward to kiss her temple.

"Alice," she said softly, gently, "can you please try to explain why this is so hard for you? We want to understand. As Bella says, you can't actually see her much because of her shield, so we're a bit confused as to why you are so resistant to this request of hers."

Alice's eyes remained closed as she replied in a mere whisper. "It's not a request. It's a rule. A demand. I don't like demands. And…," she choked back a sob, "and if I'm not bringing my visions to the table, I can't help the family, and if I'm not helping, I just… I just don't know if it's okay for Jasper and me to stay. I mean, Carlisle didn't sire us. We're like the ugly adopted step-children."

Her words were spoken with barely a sound, and yet they seemed to suck all the air out of the clearing.

I felt my anger crumble as I realized that I was not the only one bringing issues from before my change, and possibly after, to the table. I wanted to say something, but as I opened my mouth to speak, the look I got from Esme shut me right up.

"Now you listen here, Alice," Esme began in soft but adamant tone, "Carlisle feels an incredible kinship towards all of the members of this family – those who are his sires, and those who are not. Did he not feel your pain in the forest when you and Jasper left in Ithaca? I know he did, for he came home in such despair. He only let you go in hopes of easing your suffering. And I sired no one in this family, and I love each of my family members the same – including the one who is refusing to accept her membership!" Esme added, sending me a cheeky smile and trying to lighten the mood.

Because I understood what she was trying to do, I let it slide.

"My darling, Alice, you are so beloved by us, all of us, not for your visions or Jasper for his emotions, but because of the very good and true people you are. Alice, you brighten everyone's day, every day. You are playful and inventive, both of which are so important in an eternity that can feel monotonous. You have such warmth, and you love so effortlessly. You have been a wonderful addition to our family – with or without your visions. We've placed a high burden on you by becoming reliant on them. Perhaps that's a discussion that we can have as a family on how to make you feel value beyond your gift. Please don't doubt how much you are loved by each of us, Carlisle and myself especially. You will always have a place in our hearts, and our family, my darling, beautiful girl!"

Alice let out a great sob, and moved her arms to wrap around Esme's waist. Esme held her close, and rocked her gently. Jasper looked on, with grief painted on his face, as well as determination. Though I could not feel it, I was certain he was sending her calming waves.

I stood quietly, taking it all in, and letting them have their moment.

I was reminded that this family broke long before Carlisle showed up on my doorstep, and I was just one piece of the puzzle that needed to be put back together again. Understanding that this was bigger than just my issues, I realized that maybe I was not being as thoughtful of Alice as I expected her to be of me.

She was, after all, a girl who lost her humanity, her family, and worse still, her memories, and was now feeling somewhat lost and alone in the world. I could understand that. In some ways, I felt very lucky when I thought about what all Alice had been through – although I would never admit it.

With a sigh, I conceded that I might need to amend my approach.

I would stick by my rules, but I would try to find some patience in explaining them.

And work on my tone.

If possible.

I decided it was time for an olive branch, if for no other reason than I didn't want to be standing out in this clearing for the next two weeks.

"Alice," I said gently, "I'm very frustrated with you, but I do agree with Esme. From an outsider's perspective, you have always been the driving force in the family. Your enthusiasm, acceptance, curiosity, and eagerness all delight your family and bring outsiders in. You are definitely the most approachable, the friendliest, and the most generous in your family, both to them, and to everyone around you. You bring a lot to the table, Alice, and the family would not be the same without you."

Another – louder – sob ripped from the muffled confines of Esme's chest, and then Alice launched herself at me. Even as a vampire, I was caught off guard.

With her arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and her head pressed so tightly against my breast that I was certain she would eventually collapse my sternum, she squeezed me tight. "I love you, Bella! I love you! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I don't want to fight with you anymore! I'll do whatever you want! Don't be mad at me! I'm so sorry!"

I sighed, and wrapped my arms around her tiny frame. I gave her a squeeze back. Resting my head on top of hers, I quietly replied.

"I love you, too, Alice. I am beyond frustrated with you, but make no mistake. It is because I love you that I am so frustrated."

I felt more than heard her sigh. "I know," she squeaked, still pressed firmly against me. "I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass. I'll try to respect your wishes, I will. You'll help keep me in line, yes?"

I nodded, and pulled her back from my body so that she could see the seriousness in my eyes.

"I will hold you to your promise. If you start interfering or withholding, I will call you out, and I may not be able to control myself. I nearly tore your arms off three days ago, Alice. Please don't mess with me on this."

She nodded sheepishly. "Ok, Bella. I'll be on my best behavior."

I offered her a small smile. "I'll be very curious to see what that looks like," I answered with a chuckle.

* * *

><p>We moved through the other rules much more quickly. Alice didn't really have as much of a problem conceding my independence as I expected. She just didn't like to have demands placed on her.<p>

We were going to work on that.

Jasper was straddling the line between understanding my perspective and supporting his mate, and was handling it all pretty well. I could tell there were times when he wanted to snap at one of us over something, but he held it together nicely.

I think he was also trying to be on his best behavior around Esme.

And that fact, coupled with Alice's self-worth concerns, indicated to me that Esme had her hands full in repairing her family. I didn't envy her the task, but I knew that if anyone could do it, it would be her.

As the night fell, we reached an uneasy detente and made our way back towards the house. I could hear Carlisle talking to the children about dinner, and briefly considered waiting outside to see what he came up with for them to eat.

It seemed a little cruel, mainly to the kids, but it could be hilarious. However, Esme gave me a playful frown and insisted that I stop making fun of her man.

I couldn't help the wide smile that broke out on my face when I heard her defend him so vehemently over something as simple as using the blender. A week ago, I thought for sure she was going to literally tear his head off!

Things were changing, and change was hard.

But we were all – even Alice – curious about the future that lay before us.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, you may have noticed that I've been gone about 5 weeks? I'm pretty sure that you have, based on the messages I've been getting. I really appreciate the encouragement, well-wishes, and even the scolding, because it tells me you care – thank you so much. There is a long story, but in short, real life can be a real bitch.<strong>

**I'm going to try and get back on a regular schedule – although I'm not sure what exactly that will look like, so bear with me while I figure it out. I will finish this story for sure though, and for those that have been with me from the beginning, you know – when I have the time, the writing comes fast. There was a period when I was updating 3x per week. I know I can't maintain that pace now, but I'm hopeful to get back to once a week. So stay tuned! And thank you – thank you – for not giving up on me!**


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